Spidey

Thou shall regret lending money

2009-09-10T22:20:00.004+03:00

Money and relatives don't mix like some certain meat-pies from a common franchise and the morning after!

With expereince there is that fact where you learn to lend as much as you can afford to lose. And if a friendship should be lost you should lend the equivalent that you are willing to lose that friend over. I have a few pals I would gladly take a loan to lose. Yup no longer in captivity of your negativity you self-centered S.O.B. But i digress.

So what happens when that moment arrives. Wine and Dine is over! Foreplay over! Right down to the penetresh! (stolen from classic comedy 30 Rock )

You know better!
There are promises of:
>By next week Thursday, you will have it back.
>I've got this great deal i'll even return it with interest.
>This time, I won't play you...two weeks and you'll have it back!

Pregnant Pause!
Elephant in the Room!

What do you say..and it's even worse when the person knows that you have the cash.

You can already see how it's going to end up! You know each scenario!

>Oh! your cash...just chill ...you don't even need it, just relax...i'll sort you out!
>I wish i had soe cash to sort you out, btu i don't! What do i do!
>I think its better for me if i return it to you next month!

Please remember you want your FUCKING money back!

Relatives are the worst to deal with. Pals are not that much better!
SO what do you do!
Sometimes..the said person is in genuine need...what do you do?

Do you say NO?!

Do you lend a quarter of what was asked or even a tenth...that way its win win situation...you don't lose much but you help a little!?

Do you lend knowing that's cash you have lost?!

and on the said day of the said cash being returned? How the hell do you hide your anger and disappointment. Or rather how do you hide the fact that you are not that much surprised?!
Is there a place of sarcasm and name calling.
>Now you see why i was hesitant to lend you cash?
>Which cash will you hopefully return the one of last week or the one of last month?
>Bitch! It's my money and if i wanted it next month we would have agreed on next month!
>I wonder why you are all arrogant now when it's my money and considering you were paractically in tears when borrowing!

SOLUTION!?
1. Do not lend! Lie through your yellowing teeth (which id you had extra cash to lend you'd rather spend on bleaching)
2. If you lend you lose...cash or a friend or both...is it worth it?
3. Hide your money...whatever peanuts you have accumulated somewhere. HIDE THEM...in a sacco...in a scheme...in assets...somewhere...anywhere. So that in that moment of weakness a.k.a idiocy you cannot access ready cash. Hence when you say you don't have cash you seriously mean it!
4. There are those serial borrowers who serially return. Identify them and if you no longer want to be inconvenienced create a story days before there usual habit.
''...yeah remember last week when i told you ...damn im so broke...''
5.Borrow before you get borrowed from.
6.sometime you need to lend...to appease your soul..and so that you can live to blog this tale!

SO shame on you that borrow and repaying is such a hustle! Damn you for making it my problem when it should be your problem. But remember when and if tomorrow comes...you will come back ...and you can only bite the hand that feeds you so many times.

How long will this return last?

2009-09-10T21:55:00.005+03:00

It's been eons since I last blogged. Clearly that cut on that early cold morning by the riverside (or like daud el raud by river road) didn't quite cut through and through. Make up your mind already! There is the ritual of quitting and there is the ritual of blog revivals but you can't repeat each like 20 some odd times.

Damaged goods as I am after a rough three years in school. I return to find that all my old favorites also packed up their hernias and jiggered feet and also called it quits! Who rules in this blog land? Have the blogging games changed? Are the rules different?

Well lets see how long Spidey does this! Doing it different doing it a new way! Though I do miss the old crew...

Metarmorphosis

2008-12-18T18:39:00.003+03:00

It's been over a year and I thought this would make a great title. Plus I can't go a whole year without a post.

By definition it means a development into something new and different. Out with the old and in with the new. Except the old really isn't gone in fact it's older...and seriously how can it be really new anyway ?

What happens when we watch our own changes happening? What happens when you observe that the caterpillar changes not quite into the butterfly you had envisioned. It's more of a caterpillar with wings! Like Michael in Thriller, a hideous monster emerges that could kill. What if you could become a serial killer? It's become apparent there are people in this world that I may have on a "to kill" list right after brushing my teeth and washing my face in the morning. I totally get "Dexter" now. He goes beyond just being a vigilante righting wrong but a vigilante with a personal agenda...and with each kill a piece of mind...like a thirst quenched temporariliy...like by doing evil it might retard his metarmorphosis.

So metarmorphosis isn't exactly bad. It's good to mature. Become older and wiser. To emerge anew with the foundation and base of the old. But what if with this metarmorphosis comes evil? Then what? What if indifference and apathy is what one is geared to. Not giving a rat's ass about anything and leaving each day as it comes. Total disregard for society. Selfishness. Survival. Metamorphosis.

Right now I'm in a stage where I'm tired of people. And those people know it, should know it and better know it. I'm everyone's big brother and best friend...yet at the end of the day I'm all alone, for apparently such relations don't run both ways. I am Spiderman after all your friendly neigbourhood hero...but what lies beneath is a contempt for humans that runs deep.

Tried and tested. Used and abused. A metarmorphosis is happening. And I love it! Serenity comes with a realization ...that to become good you have to become bad.And to become good you have to have been good. For no one will ever realise that you were once good. No one remembers. How can one keep score when your memory is selectively blinded. So a new spidey is emerging. Evil and blunt!

So as this change overcomes me...becomes me...be warned it is just METARMORPHOSIS!

A Spidey Short Story 2

2007-06-24T20:06:00.000+03:00

She never calls again. The enthusiasm that we once shared is gone. She never writes as well. Come to think even the sms’s are usually replies not induced from her own free will. She is slipping away…and the harder I try to cling on the further I push her. She hates walking down memory lane. Likes when we hang out with my pals or hers…but never alone. She no longer picks me up from work. Never gets me my favorite novels or favorite DVD’s. She no longer lives and breathes for me like she used to…or like I live and breathe for her. I was her earth and she the moon that revolved around me. But she was and is my sun- I revolve and rotate around her and for her.

Funny how all this started. It was her who did the flirting, she practically did the chasing as well. She was more interested way before I was. Once we clicked nothing could have pulled as apart. Finished each other’s sentences. Felt each other’s presence like the time I was upstairs and you were running late and I felt it when you entered the building. Soulmates. She fell in love and I quickly tripped after.We were happy, she knew it I knew it. A match made in heaven that no man or woman could ever divide…but there was one mortal enemy that defeats any form of adultery-TIME!

With time she grew used to me. I don’t know when but the signs were there. I stopped being funny-you no longer laugh at my jokes. I stopped being interesting. I remember you not wanting to sit with me in class. You did not want endless phone call conversations. I was getting plain to you. You even had legitimate excuses to cancel dates which before it’s the excuses you would have cancelled on. As in you woke up one morning and everything had changed?

The power of rejection is quite shattering. It’s never an ego thing nor the humiliation. But the realization that for starters your love is actually greater than hers. You love her more and its not fair! Secondly for you to feel rejected means that at once you were accepted. At one point in time all was well and you were happy-but not anymore. Rejection is a blow to the heart and self-worth. It’s an outward show of disregard, lack of interest and worst of all change of heart. Having loved and been loved and then having lost somewhere along the way!

I think getting dumped is even better. I know being cheated on is acceptable. But being there when a person has metarmorphosised completely towards you, yet claiming nothing has changed-that right there-is what causes a deep pit full of sadness. When you realise a smile is forced. When you get hints of boredom. When even meeting seems like such a strained effort. And when you enquire she makes you feel like such an insecure adolescent. In the end you feel like a child that’s lost his way. You used to be so confident and sure. You were near arrogant but have been reduced to humiliating levels that are below begging. You fret and whine about the distance…you complain when she doesn’t return your calls…you can’t understand why she is not thinking of you 24/7…you have become a bitch…a sissy…cannot function…gone past being whooped...to the point even you know it’s not healthy.

So why don’t you put me out of misery! Be done with me-say it’s over! Call it quits. Break my heart completely not partially. I was never one to be a defeatist, but I have given up. There is nothing more I can do. What you fell in love with way back then is still here. I have never changed. You loved me then and it’s unfortunate that that is now not enough. It’s even more unfortunate that you were all I will ever want. Letting you go won’t be as heart breaking as how I have watched you letting me go! Perhaps I’m reading you wrong…perhaps nothing has changed…but it’s these kind of doubts and debates I will no longer continue having for I’m getting weak. I can’t be the only one analyzing us. So if it’s what you really want, if it’s over, it was not my fault- I hope. I will do the manly thing now…and stop caring!

(A series of Spidey Short Stories. This however perhaps is not a work of fiction like the last. Any similiarity to actual events and persons...time and place...is not entitely coinicdental)

A Spidey short story

2007-06-20T20:27:00.000+03:00

The wind blowing ever so gently as you sat there by the beach. The sun creeping up from its hiding place full of promise. Mesmerising rays reflecting off the still quite waters. No one else awake, just you and the whispering palm trees...perhaps the falling coconuts or the occasional crabs walking along the beach. Your thoughts running wild. Your hopes and dreams. Your accomplishments and failures. You look into the yonder looking for salvation. You even pray. You plan and strategise how to be a better man...a better being...how to move on. You have made these promises before but somehow this air... this ambience... this solitude you experience...the right here and right now- makes a difference.

You clutch yourself not from cold but the need to feel pressed. You feel alone. Yet again, pangs of loneliness hit you. Just when you thought you were doing well a wave of depression rolls in with the tide. You succumb to inept feelings, become overwhelmed by emotion. All the while, as the sun rises your heart is setting. As it radiates its beams of light, your veins feel constricted and restrained. A tear gently builds up, there have been plenty of those. Depressing as it is, the tear reflects light like a prism, making the sun magnificently glorious. But as it streams down...the harsh reality returns.

Your mind drifts back to that night you sat outside the waiting room in casualty. The day your life changed. You had been driving as she made plans for the future. As usual she was always a step ahead...always optimistic...always with back-up plans. At that moment she was picking out colors for the baby who was due in 2 months. She had a liking for royal blue...and you fought her hard on it...but knowing deep inside you liked royal blue. Her laughter filled the air. Love was so obvious, you were practically one being, in sync with each other heart, body and soul. She stroked your leg. You turned to stroke her cheek and brush the hair of her face...

They had later said that a lorry had been parked on the roadside. They had insinuated it was your fault and perhaps it was. You had lost consciousness but came to, but she was doing badly and had to be rushed to the mini-operating room.They could not say what the prognosis was. She was in critical condition.

The hospital walls were caving in. The floor was hard, your legs were completely numb. The smell of dried blood was nauseating. The anxiety was too much and you could have vomited twice were it not for the fact there was nothing left. The nurses zooming in and out of the minor theatre said nothing...but spoke volumes in the way they avoided his eyes. You did not want to imagine living without her. You did not want to imagine losing your unborn child. It was not a good sign when a nurse run in carrying pints of blood. It was not good when you heard the bleep of that heart monitor. And when the doors opened and the operating surgeon walked towards you...you knew!

Somehow you knew. Somehow you knew this was the end. You felt your soul detach. Deep inside you died a thousand times. Your earth shattered. You lost ground. You would never live or love again.

So here you are a year after. At the same spot you cuddled in under a blanket to watch the sun rise. Same spot you had made plans. Outside the same cottage she had conceived earlier that year. Unfortunately that morning there were clouds and she had missed the sunrise. You had promised that the following day you would wake her up early...It was never meant to be. She wasn't meant to catch the sunrise...not then...not in her lifetime.

A year later you vow to yourself not to let the memories kill you. Not let the pain destroy you. They had said time heals all wounds, but that wound was still fresh. The time was 6:43 am...you snap back to reality. Having resolved nothing you decide to move on. You turn the wheelchair around and wheel yourself back inside to check on your little son who's birthday it is today.

(Dedicated to my English Teacher Mrs Ojara, who was a sucker for mushy story's....and I figured if thats what it takes to get atleast a 28/40 in compo...just call me Daniel Steele.)

Whats the whole fuss about spidey3?

2007-05-03T20:01:00.000+03:00

So will you be out there watching Spiderman 3? Have you already got your tickets like Tato has?

Those aerial shots of him turning up and down...twist and turn...wah that last 30 seconds of Spiderman...visual effects at its best. Nothing but showing off of C-G Effects. Not to mention that whole walking on walls thing...

Ok why lie that Black Spidey costume....

Have always loved superheroes with costumes...where there is an obvious change from norm. Superman...Batman...He-Man...She-Ra...Superwoman...a little of Fantastic Four though their identities are not secret. That whole secrecy thing rocks! That quiet creepy character appeals to all of us. The weakling being the stronger!

That Black Costume...if you can get it in extra-large ship it and send it!!!

The geek's superhero...Peter Parker is the ultimate geek/nerd that represents the rest of all of us! Yeah you too! Everyone loved Spiderman...sure he may not have natural superpowers like Superman but he rocks!

Ok it's been overhyped...its been too long...its about time. Let summer movies begin! There is nothing better than overyhyped movies...sure they usually disappoint but there are some you could care less...some you know you are following the crowd like some suicidal Jim Jones Sect...

Will he tell MJ his little secret? Just like Lois who loved both Clark and Superman...will she finally know?

Tato and I will be having a blast on this one!

Childhood Trauma 2-Lunch Time

2007-03-09T21:08:00.000+03:00

Ok so Spidey moved onto Beta Blogger and some posts got republished and one in particular made me laugh. Childhood trauma 1

Truth about returning is that I actually enjoy writing and a good laugh...and walking down the memory lane. So here's to doing this thing again amidst talks of literary influence

A highlight of a long morning's timetable. yup be it double maths, double GHC...at the end of those long classes came lunch time.

1. Hot Lunch.

Now in St. George's there was pick-up van that would bring hot-lunch.Had good food.Chips and sausage were the hot favorites. Then Stew and chapo the second hot favorite.
Problem was the lack of speed and hustle. Poor little porky wasn't fast enough...nor was he sleek enough. Yaani, I'd end up with a chapo and a potato with a watery stew that was left behind by the better meatier stew that used to inhabit that sufuria. Your best pal, who was munchin on chips would offer a kind promise that he'd buy for you the following day. Same crap promise he'd made yesterday. So there you are when a hawk swoops down and takes your chapo...you're left not only with a soggy stew but an empty promise of tomorrow.

Solution: Your mum organises with your teacher so that they pick food fro you.
Trauma: Other kids are now resenting you for this.
Therapy: Being alienated from the food camps that were so popular
Solution: Start carrying packed lunch so that you can belong.

2.Packed Lunch.

Damn right you don't eat Rice and fillet steak every other night. You eat food. If you have behaved you're lucky to even carry chips to school...if you have been good a sausage maybe thrown in.

So there you are with your thermos...that keeps hots hot and colds cold.
Now assuming that your thermos has made it safe and you haven't broken it.
Lunch time was a moment of quiet shame, solitude and meditation. There was the slow opening of the cover...so that the gases would escape without scaring the birds or the std 1 children. Insult would be your pal thinking you have opened a canned coke. PSssssss! Was the sound and a pal would dash over only to be disappointed.

There was the inner white compartment that carried rice...and sometimes would refuse to budge. As in that plastic punk was keeping you away from the stew awaiting. Trauma! A time I just fed rice alone as it refused to completely open. No amount of twist and shout was separating that evil white thing! You go home with a thermos full of nice stew...

Sometimes there was no need for a compartment cause it was Githeri! Yes Githeri had its own thermos taste and Lord have mercy on his children you would eat it and be full. Of course the spoon would remain sticky forever..but that was not the point.

Ugali sukuma was the worst.

Ugali sukuma was the worst when your best pal was all...here you can have some of my chicken and chips...what are you having?

3. Lunch Room.

So at Consolata. We had a lunch room that was run with the utmost efficiency. Heck lower school would first feed followed by upper school. A nice change…there is equality so no need for shame. There was enough food and better yet there was seconds. So Monday and Tuesday was Rice and Stew. Tuesday and Thursday was the best Bread and stew of beef cubes or hotdog cubes or sausage cubes. Friday was fish …

Now for some reason unknown to me then was I’d always get food poisoning over the weekend. In the words of a primary school kid…I’d have a stomach ache and stomach problems…loosely translated I’d have cramps and diarrhea. Saturdays were a drag.

After abstaining from all things chili: chevra, chevda, sauce…the loose phenomenon was still a problem. A carton of Imodium later…some packets of Bisodol later…some sand dunes of Eno later…it was discovered that fish was the main culprit. So Friday it was back to packed lunch!

4. Small mercies.

-Carrying sandwiches to school. Height of advancement. This happened once in a life time.

-A pal of ours named Charles used to have his house help prepare buckets of Chips. Those nice, yellow, oily chips that you swallowed without chewing. She’d bring them at lunch time-hot. And our dear friend, Charles, didn’t just share the chips he made us earn those chips. Place them a good distance and may the fastest make merry. (Cue ‘best things in life are free now that I’ve discovered what you mean to me!”) Off we’d dash …cheap amusement-he’d laugh at us for we had no pride…some of had no pride nor speed...I think that’s where the phrase came from of real fun for real good food. We’d fine tune our rugby skills pushing and shoving for that box of chips. We’d get all ghetto, ending victoriously if you had yourself a handful of greasy chips. Afterward you’d returned to your disowned thermos was abandoned and emptying its putrid contents in a nearby dustbin. Later at home you would lie how you cleared all your food.

-Occasionally lunch would be brought for you from town. Yup cholesterol laden samosas, sausages, burger and chips. Note I did not use the word “or”. Yaani nothing spells over-fed like an only-child! Gulp! Gulp!...choke! choke!…Lord help me please… pass me some water...Glug! Glug!…munch! munch! … There is this one time I choked…and not cause food entered the windpipe, but because food was in the food pipe and not going down. (Perhaps more food was going in than going down.)You needed a wheelbarrow to take you to class. You needed Jesus to digest. Those afternoons would take a week to pass by.

-Sneaking in a ‘cool’ was a height of truancy. You’d have a ‘cool’ hidden in your sweater as you silently sipped at it during triple math. And the teacher was more impressed at your lips turning green than at your L.C.M/BODMAS skills.

-Asians used to have some interesting goodies. Perhaps cause your tongue only knew of githeri and rice. But if an Asian pal offered you food…you took it...you maybe unable to pronounce it but it was a given it tasted good. That’s when I discovered cauliflower goes with anything: pizza, samosas, bread...I think cauliflower was the answer to everything. Asians were also the masters of deceit. You feed on that food, it tastes like a beef, smells like beef…but there is no trace of beef. Yaani Ndengu pekee! Ndengu solo. Ndengu could be so well disguised…and to think at home you kick and fuss.

5.White lies-that I used.

There was nothing as bad as going home with a thermos that was rattling. Note the rattling was not from chicken bones that you had left inside. Because trust me if you carried chicken those bones were displayed well or all to see you had chicken for lunch. No the sound was from the glass flask that was now just glass.

Woe unto you if it was the large thermos…which you had been bought for because you were now a big boy, and a responsible one!

-Er you see… another boy was running by like a madman and knocked over my bag and hence the thermos broke.

-A hawk was coming at me since I was carrying chapo(again_…I panicked and dropped the bag, running for cover…and hence the thermos broke.

-It’s broke? Let me see! I didn’t break it!

-Bryan pushed me and I fell on top of the bag…hence the thermos broke.

6. Juice moments.

Before quencher there was Tree-top. Before those unbreakable juice bottles that had star wars on them...damn those thing were cute, sturdy and jisty with a straw. Anyway before those were those Dog-like juice bottles that came in all colors. And dont forget the magic use of a polythene paper to prevent leakage.

Sometimes you carried milk. Sometimes you carried water with a drop of juice a.k.a squash. So dilute the confusion quenched your thirst!

I'm Bringing Spidey Back

2007-02-21T19:59:00.000+03:00

"in the heat of the moment, bloggers I lost my mind lost my head, didn't know what to do!"

"I'm bringin spidey back..yeah! Them other bloggers don't know how to act yeah! Dirty blog!
You see them shackles Baby I’m your slave. I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave. It’s just that no one makes me feel this way...yeah...Take 'em to the chorus...come here girl...go head be gone with it..."

"...back to life... back to reality... back to the here and now and then..."

I must be under some heavy stress to think I can get away with this...where does one start? It's like starting a fresh. One step at a time. Move over couch tato...mover over...er cough cough...then again I may just wake up tomorrow regretful. So lets see how this goes! I could always say I was heavily sedated or had y spidey suit on backwards and had no idea what I was doing. Hopefully I'm still young enough to remember how this was done...let the fun begin!!!

Oh and for those out there that have made fun at Fat-Spidey be very afraid!

2 YEARS: Start to End

2006-10-09T21:00:00.000+03:00

A whole two years has passed, come and gone! A blogging phenomenon that I was entirely indifferent to and clueless about came to be a part of my life. It consumed, engulfed me and gave me a place to retreat to at the end of the day. My life outside my real life. A blog that started in a cyber cafe at a place I covered on saturdays! Politely I grew an audience and the blog changed and evolved...it grew and metamorphosised. I even dared to start a second blog.

Last year I launched a new blog- COUCH TATO...2 years back started NG(dumbest move to paste my real name out there) ...which moved to Nick/Spidey...and it's sad thinking that I am calling it quits after such a nice time out here on Blog Land..however Couch Tato will still be around...actually so will I...am not entirely dead or gone forever...but this blog will be on hibernation... I figured am moving on right now with life and this is something I am sad to leave behind. It's a bitter sweet ending...just when blog-block was disappearing and was ready to return with a bang I decide it's best to hang my coat!

So it all started way back when, S! started his own blog and I thought to myself..." I can do this to!" and so I did.

My first comment was from LifeMoments. My first emails were from Mshairi and MJY...at the time I did not know they were related and had their ages swapped...Mental whom I later baptised as the Godfather invited me to join the ring and there I was at number 15... so I have been around and when they say I'm an oldie they know what they are saying- watched y'all come and stay...come and go...come and go and return again. I was later to join the Admin of KBW. I had always joked about Mental being Don Mental and was itching to be a consigilieri out there and perhaps given my own enclave to run.

Back Then

Back when Thinker's Avatar was Jerry Mouse.
Back when almost everybody operated Blogspot with the original templates before everyone went all URL on us.
When Virtual Insanity was alive and kicking and the first form of aggregator was Daily Nchi Yetu.
Back when not doing a tag was a great crime!
Back when the younguns were the likes of Kipepeo and Kymmbr who was also the blog badboy.
I watched the Ms KMutsaurus squad form-the kinky ones that even a freezing Antarctic Waterfall couldnt cool down! yup thats Ms K, KM, Mutumia and Guess
Watched Milo and Blue Poe t become celebs over night. Like Mutumia and KM overnight sensational celebs-took blogs by storm!
Akiey was pictorally there, Msanii Musically there!
Daud El Raud who some thought was my alter ego run wild on my comments section!
Poi was our baby poet.
Back when Mjy was a comment-ho.
When Magaidi and Itina Rasa were active...and Sonny

I watched KBW grow to what it has become today...and boy there have been some fun along the way and trust me I did not miss out on any.

Interactive History

1. For a fun blog you have to interact with people and that is what I had set out to do. Got myself adopted by three sisters; Mshairi, Nyakehu and Uaridi. MJY didn't want none of that-spoilt child she was. Ms K on the other hand was stealing my thunder at the time. Later the likes of Poi and Milo managed to claw themselves in.

2. In my highly adulterous days there was Wifey, Concubine and Mistress

3. Then there was the Looney family members of a mental institute that needed serious help and I think the help was even worsened by the night nurse at the time. Other recruitees were Mutumia, Aco , Farmgal and Akiey.

4.The sibling family. akiey was Bro #1. Milo Bro #2, I was Bro #3 and lil Sis Nakeel #4

5. The Meetups which we started wit Ms K and then came Guess...Blue Poet...and the Official first meetup which I was choked into not posting and soon Meetups became the norm...the last being the one with Farmgal...I shoulda posted on that one i tell you a babe has the original National ID from 1900...it's the size of a tray!

6. The Blog wars...oh how I miss those. Blue and Mama Jacinta...uuuu she hated that name! But the best was the war with Blue! That old man fought as good as it gets.

7. Racing to blogs to comment. We started that with Guess...we'd comment on Milo's blog...and each day one of us would win. But mostly it was guess who would be beat me to it as I was typing up the comment. It was I who statrted the comment "First here let me go read and come back"

A habit I regret cause i once got like & comments of "first here...." and soon we took comments off context and comments section became a chat room whereby the original post was ignored.

8.The plain teasing...trying to up the camaraderie

KBW Ball and Dance
KBW Rumor Meal Roundup 2
KBW Revolving Soap
KBW Next Top Model
KBW Rumor Meal Roundup

9. My alter egos...I like Couch Tato the best but will always have an affinity for the Sleeze Crew...Oh dear Lord Lequitta rest in Peace.

10. The Conference Chatting into the wee hours of the night...various combinations of Farmgal, Poi, Milo, Kipepeo, Mental, Spicebear, Mshairi, Mjy, Guess , Akiey and Adrian...even Sandman
and Mutumia and Dangerously Shy...and off late on Gmail Aco, Devious and Movie Buff

11. The Collabos and Guest Blogging spots...actually that's what I'll be doing now...so y'all holla at me I cant wait to do guest appearances

12. Patron Saint of everything Download who is also a Couch Tato on the Downlow...it all started with an old post, a simple email and the rest as they say is history.

13. All the dudes and babes....and the nick names. Lard-Boy. Gich-boy. Nichgich. Babyface. Couch T.

It been fun without any regrets. Boy oh Boy the behind the scenes were worth every minute of it all!

So as I write my own blog eulogy...I hope that atleast I tried to bring bloggers together with cheap fun and humor. A time has come and I wish to take a bow. Like Spice girls singing Goodbye I too are weeping at my demise! It's not the end...i gotta keep it strong before my pain turns into fear..so glad i made time... will never change it no no...look for the rainbow in every storm...

KBW BALL and DANCE

2006-09-18T20:55:00.000+03:00

So there I am thinking what can I do to rile things up... to add salt and pepa( and spinderella too) up in Blogland? Way back when I had started KBW's NEXT TOP MODEL, I thought it would go places ha ha...but I rubbed them ladies the wrong way like velvet being stroked the opposite direction... So, here I am proposing a BALL and DANCE. Just like the Kaybees last year I'm totally clueless on logistics so we will require ADMIN to help in.

All will be invited to participate...

Round 1:

-will include dudes asking out their intended dates out on their blogs. There should be wooing and begging. Poetry and Floetry. Kissing ass and typing sweet nothings. In every dude's post they should state who they are asking out? Who they are seeking ...especially plan's B-G...you player players you!

Chick's too can ask dudes out...that's whats gonna make this interesting. So the asking out will be done in comments section and in blog-posts! In a duration of like a week.

Invites must be official...y'all must lay your hearts out on the line!

Round 2:

Then replies: acceptances and rejections as well as "we'll see(holding out till a better offer comes along or accepts)" replies will ensue. Let's see the heartbreak and slicing, the cut and chase ...lets see who get the ROSE or gets voted out...oops is this the makings of a reality blog drama? Wait Tato cross posts this. Doubt he will after Movie Buff has declared her intentions! There'll be sad songs to make him cry-Billie Ocean style!

So ladies here's your chance to play hard to get or easy to get.

Rejections must be brutal!
Acceptances must be sweet!

Round 3:

The actual day! There will be other prizes as well and competitions

1.Who will walk away Ball King and Queen...each blogger willing to compete must submit there reasons....C.V's must be published
2.Best Couple...same thing sell yourselves
3.We can have talent competitions

Of course all this is subject to change but it's a chance for all you Blog Geeks to finally attend the Ball and Dance y'all were ostracised from...or was it just me?! Its your turn to star and shine..and work your virtual MOJO guys! Devious for a change a "date" won't be a calendar referennce but a time for you to go out on the prowl, leave the jiko behind and the woollen undies and get your Devious on!And Acolyte a camera will not be entertained as a date.

Rules:

Flexible
-costumes are allowed but spidey costume is mine..and i think Instigator has taken Hunchback of Notre Dame..so all others are up for grabs
-you can have more than one date
-you can attend solo....and why not it's not your first time is it?

So if you are game-let's get this started. And if you have ideas on logistics comment away...MI COMMENT SECTION SU COMMENT SECTION!

Random Flashbacks-the King is Back

2006-08-30T22:50:00.000+03:00

Before the inspired tag-team of Milo and Nick…before the Soul Mate induced posts of M.Buff and Tato…before the Sleeze Crew and the Meet up posts that had you all squirming and thanking the heavens it wasn’t you. There was a Dynamic Devastatingly Daring Duo of Memoire and Nick. Oh, we rocked them memories…Gaddamn we did! So this is for you Memoire wherever you are and for Aco who has dared challenged my flashback and posting capabilities! (You have made me post successively on Nick and Tato and double on Tato)

Dare to Remember:

Sarit Centre:

I think this was such a big deal. You could be asked “what did you do for Christmas?” and if your answer was “… I passed by Sarit!” that was deemed cool. Manze that place would jazz me. There were video games-we all attempted the arm wrestling dude didn’t we??? Hotdogs! There was a machine that if you insert some coins it lays an egg and you’d wish something really valuable was inside and all you would get is a rubber spider insect! On some Saturday’s John Rodrigues the Kiini Macho dude…would be there and he’d have these balloons that I swore were made out of magic and he’d make a dog or a butterfly or flowers out of them. I kept the stick that held the balloons and used it as my magic wand!

Then there was Yaya Centre and its funny dodgy video games there was a boring tennis game that you’d be forced to play when broke.

Std 2.

I was an ok student…peaked to number 1 end of first term…rode her during second term was number 1 again mid term exams and end of term exams…and plummeted in third term faster than Newtons’s apple. Prize giving day was such a jagged little bitter pill!

Living La Vida Chubby ( Haki Kipepeo and Thinker I was the fat kid that could)

>Leant how to swim the hard way…when shops don’t have floaters your size the art of improv is called the art of learning! Yaani, shops were recommending I use a car’s tyre tube! As in nothing could pass by my generous roundness.

>Do you know how painful it was to go to School Outfitters to place an order for shorts?

Swimming

Before I was self conscious I enjoyed Swimming. Gone are the days when you could go to Boulevard, Silver Springs and Safari Park Hotels with a 50 bob and swim you heart out!

I suffer from Allergic Rhinitis and the pool chlorine has never been kind…but not till I discovered in ‘90 that Divers have those diver’s goggles that block the nose…I bought them off a Beach-Boy/Diver in coast…washed them clean and started diving away for ten-cent coins!

Bullies

>I had one in Std one called Nicholas Munene (may prospective employers Google and find your name trashed here!) So there I am standing outside the boy’s loos…and he comes by and leaves some other kid’s shoes outside and tells me to watch them as he goes in and does his thing. A guy disappears inside like for more than …er…4-6 minutes…so chubby here walks away…following day a kid is threatening me to pay up for the lost shoes or else?! Or else what? Nigga, I so told on him. “Mr’s Were that kid over there been bullying me…saying he will beat me up!” Didn’t hear anything from him again.

>what was the obsession with closing day? As in fight was kept postponed till closing day-which would be the apparent day of reckoning!

Chicks

>there was one e used to beat up in std 6. She was made of raw-hide wah wah wah she took every punch and kick better than guy being mob justiced by the public.

>Another one called Nelly could beat you down like you were Robin Givens and she was Tyson

>Another ka-fly one we’d call POISON just cause we could!

Being Spoiled Rotten

My mum had this thing of taking me to lunch on most Friday’s when in Primary. So while at St George’s it was this hot join in Adams Arcade that served meat on a long toothpick…oh my! While at Conso it was either Burger Hut or Pizza Garden…mmm mmm mmm Friday afte’s were to long for!

Movies

-Bless my cousins for introducing me to Police Academy movies! I think I was still watching Breakdance2…Breakin’… Herbie goes to Monte Carlo? James Bond movies-I remember Diamonds are forever being the cleanest Bond movie at the time.

Those were days you watch a movie during the weekend and then on Monday before Assembly you re-tell the whole story…without losing any detail! So Superman/Supergirl then flew and you’d add sound effects…and then the car swerverd and then…..Then James Bond remover the Golden Gun…

-Then came Chevy Chase and Steve Martin Comedies

-The likes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…BMX Bandits…

(No let Tato do justice to this, in a later post.)

TV Adverts

-Gosh I loved the BP visco 2000 ad. That car was cool.

-And who else remembers Kilometric adverts?

-Knorr soup ad?

-Remember Pepsodent Toothpaste being launched sometime in 89 and we were giving free paste at school and boy we wasted it all… open the cap and jump up and land on your heel smack on the waiting-ready-to-burst- tube!

-Coke ads: there was coca cola is it and you can’t beat the real thing…I saw wanted to be cool like that!

-Palmolive Ad: the one with the dry leaf that doesn’t crumble with palmolive lotion or was it Vaseline intensive care?

TV Progs

Between URTNA bringing Tshala Muana, Sam Fan Thomas and Kanda Bongoman like they were on vogue. There was Family Affairs that had Riziki and Mambo as siblings. Fred Obachi and Music Time…Sam Madoka and Coke Is It. Sunday afternoon they would bring Tele-Match and Mix 'Em Gather 'Em-a coast production that had the female host lisping like whoa!

Then come KTN and it introduced us to the likes of ALF, Baby Talk...KBC had Arsenio Hall Show…legal drama was at its peak with L.A Law. And remember music charts never seen before on European Braun and MTV with Ms Down Town Julie Brown?

If your video lib had game you watched the likes of Doogie Howser M.D, Cosby, Golden Girls…or some tired Indian Movie

Music

-Anna Mwale and Jermaine Jackson coming for the Inter Africa something something championship at Kasarani. Remember Excuse-y me anna mwale…

-92’s Joe Public “ this one’s for u and only u…hello ms mrs if I blew kisses would u catch them or would u dismiss them and leave me hanging …I don’t see a ring so I assume that you are single…” T.L.C and I ain’t to proud to beg. En Vogue.

-93 Snow: hits like “lonely lonely lonely Monday morning” “Informer” “Girl I’ve been hurt.”

89-91: When New Edition successively split into Bobby Brown. Johnny Gill, BBD, and Ralph Tresvante. When Rap had the likes of MC Lyte and Queen Latifa and U.N.I.T.Y…”im goin back to cali” from L.L.Cool J…KRS One and Public Enemy

Heavy D and the Boyz. MC Hammer and Fresh Prince of Bel Air…Salt N Pepa..

-Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat with Opposites attract and she wasn’t doing badly herself with the likes of Straight Up

Archer’s ABBA. Devious’s Atlantic Star.

91 with Crystal Waters’ Gypsy Woman-she wakes up early in the morning just to do her hair now..lada dee ladidau

British Stars akina Kylie Minogue…Rick Astley

Cheap ass jollies

-Tapes that you would buy that were dubbed straight from clubs e.g. bubbles

-MTV on KTN with that special dance show hosted by Down Town Julie Brown

-Going to Pop in and International Sports House to play video games

-Nintendo and Game and Watch

Remember

-weddings used to have pre-wedding parties and to some extent Pre-pre-wedding parties!

-Clad: dash tracksuits and asaki shoes…Reebok High-tops

-Kids would be given forms to collect and the tag phrase “please sponsor me” or “ni-sponse?!”

-walkmans; that only played, but rewinding and forwarding would either clear your batteries or chew your tape.

-Comics books…Archie series

A random 10 thoughts

2006-08-14T22:21:00.000+03:00

I have actually missed blogging. I was reading my earlier posts…and discovered that I stopped blogging some time back and started entertaining.(LONG LIVE the SLEEZE CREW) Sure, there is that underlying self-consciousness that you have an audience but when I looked at my March and April posts last year I noted the difference.

So, here’s to blogging.

Right now am currently on leave…bumming as I only know why! So here is a random ten thoughts on my mind right now

1.) I went on leave last week and didn’t tell ¾’s of my workmates that I am on leave…didn’t even say goodbye… just upped and left! And from certain sms’s I may have hurt some people’s feelings! Tough! Actually the reason I went on leave is the more important point that ties in with #3…so to hell with them and their so-called feelings.

2.) I am currently so depressed that I wake up at 2 am wide awake…and no longer derive pleasure from waking people up at that time. So depressed that I even stopped self prescribing sedatives…it’s like I don’t care anymore if I wake up at 2 or 1 am

I’ve lost the will to prank and that’s a bad sign!

3.) Out of three choices I had for my Master’s degree…I struggled and decided on number 2…and by mutha-luck it just happens I’m the only one who qualified out of 3 applicants…the other 2 were less experienced…and I’m doomed to sweat, suffer and bleed all through Chiromo, Med and Dental School… again.. .but guess what? I will suffer alone! FURK! Y’all have no idea what mental/emotional/personal torment is…It’s not that I’m scared, if only that was the problem…it’s just that I know what kind of HELL I am chauffeuring myself to and even doing the valet parking as I concierge myself up to Le Grand Hell and Bell-Hop my self to an exquisite penthouse suite in the depths of hell!

4.) However #3 above depends on other factors beyond my control-and I hate being helpless. Which if they fail I remain doomed for another one year at the above mentioned workplace that I kinda detest! As in either way I am furkin furked! So many factors tied in I can see my life changing and I sure as hell hate CHANGE!

If #3 works out-FURKED!

If it doesn’t work out=FURKED!

5.) Have you ever entangled yourself in a web! No spidey pun intended! But I am in one and by golly what a tangled web I have woven and don’t wanna get out off. There I am with my knitting needles and Crotchet (pronounced croshet) well aware of the web being spun! As in, being in such a mess that it is actually a good thing for it can distract you from all the other messes out there. Only time can unweave…only time can show what web material them strings are made of! It will unweave and things will be back to normal…until then weaved webs strangulate the hell out of me!

6.) I have a surgical condition that should need attention. Its not life threatening or urgent. It’s not haemorrhoids or an undescended testicle…but its there and needs attention and funny thing is I will never present!

7.) I’m at a stage of just hating people. Ok maybe I just threw that in…but I find making new friends so tedious! I get socially strained and easily irritated by small talk…I say stick to the old friends. Enough of the new! And even those old ones seem to be pushing it especially relatives! I hate being relied upon because I never learned to rely on someone.

8.) I’m at a freaking stage of feeling lonely and empty. As in solo…as in I’m not even there for myself. As an only child I was great company but not anymore…I was my best friend…but I am so stressed worrying about myself I don’t even care for me. I have left myself to my own defenses. Not to mention stopped making sense…maybe all I’m saying is even my own voices have left me!

9.) Did I mention a tad suicidal? Not the kind of slitting own wrists… but the indirect kind of may that crane just snap and drop on me right now. Yes a sign of depression…where is that prescription again.

10.) I’m usually the happy-go-lucky happy as lark type but wallowing in self pity has become a habit…and at the moment in a pessimistic/mood drenching spirit! Usually this happens in the month of August…

But hope this is therapeutic when I read over it again…It’s just one of them days!

SLEEZE CREW: Rumor Meals Roundup

2006-08-02T13:00:00.000+03:00

(and yes i know how to spell rumor mills and sleaze)

(Deep VOICE) Welcome to The Sleeze Crew. Live on Air for a fifth successive successful feed. Bringing you trash like you like it served…directly to your ears! You will hear it here, first and fast and furious…may the sleaze contaminate you and set you free!

Lequitta: Hey y’all it’s me again, the ghettoesque bad-ass mama...been knocked up, knocked down and around but my nappy self still stronger than ever. Like Roberta Flack I will survive oh as long as I know how to run, duck, tuck and roll I know I’ll stay alive! A sista’s been pimped slapped…name called…popped MORE morning-after pills than Aco’s posts, or Thinker’s thoughts, or Admin interference accusations.

Tyrone: Sup peeps! This is your home-boy keeping it real. Hardcore gangster…smooth and suave…breaking hearts left, right and centre…letting them keep coming back for more! More! They want nothing but! Coz they know with Tyrone …it’s on!

Lequitta: That’s right! And you know it’s true!

Tyrone: And you know we know you know!

Lequitta: Coming up next in this roundup the downright skinny on where the KBW’s are at! The 411 brought to you one on one. It’s been too quiet especially with the old timers being on pension as we speak…damn BLOG menopause seems to have hit them all…denture wearing…memory lapsing…eye-sight failing…osteoporosis setting in and bones crumbling getting lamer and lamer like Nick’s blog-mojo!

Tyrone: That’s right…we gonna tell you the truth behind the sudden deletion of MS K’s blog and Dshy’s blog…and finally reveal if they were one and the same?

Lequitta: Why MILO threw in the towel and wants nothing more of his unmentionabos after a botched reverse vasectomy! The truth behind his new business venture with KM . His sudden return to South Africa.

Tyrone: The escapades of the BLUE POET…which blogger he got entangled with and the catastrophic results that could be the reason SHIROH lost her job...if in fact she lost it! Why he failed to attend the last meetup?

Tyrone: In addition the financial revelations of a female blogger that has pulled a Left Eye of T.L.C! Nope she hasn’t burnt her beausroom...for creeping with that other mzalendo KP...but has gone bankrupt-asaurus!! After bad advice from Bankelele and Riba Capital

Lequita: Oh, yes none other than GUESS...she has had to sell her 2 KAYBEES like Toni B's Grammy's to sustain her frequent flier miles and hIPODetical expenses ( MILO u would be so proud of me) has been hawking “Blogging 101” on the streets! Y'all know I'm just hating right?

Tyrone: Also… we shall reveal to you how some bloggers are blogging with duel identities? Not like the TATO…but incognito. If I were you I’d closely monitor the styles of DOBVIOUS, AMKENI WAKENYA, KAGGZ, KELITU….think about it they sound pretty familiar…look carefully don’t let the new templates fool you...these are old bloggers in new skin! Don’t also let the sex fool you!

Lequita: And we shall expose to you who has been running around Anonymously, almost doing a better job than I am in trashing posts…I mean tearing bloggers down…criticizing…ridiculing…and they are not anonymous cause their I.P address be all up in my databank screaming (64.185.140.134 (user-10bj346.cable.mindspring.com) everywhere...come here mama lequita gives you a hug cause you been an avid reader you!

Tyrone: Personally, to hell with Anon, I want the truth behind that Smack it, Flip it, Rub it…Buff and Polish it post of KM! Not to mention can we discuss what people were saying behind the scenes and on the comment section…y’all back-stabbers you!

Lequita: Oh and don’t you forget the three sisters and a niece…and you know the don’t approve of us! But they have been missed!

Tyrone: Yes the truth shall be revealed about all those missing in action.

Lequita: Yes missing in action or expecting after action…Yes the much talked about BILAS TRAIN-an old passenger has returned aboard…and aboard that passenger is another passenger currently embedded in amnion. You may harbour a guess( no that is not a hint)…someone in the MS KMutsaurus squad is due soon…and they have stopped screaming “THEKETE MA!” Or is it “Mutiuke Pris!” Suddenly…life has new meaning to me…

Tyrone: What happened to the defunct LOONEY BIN? AKIEY? MSANII? FARMGAL?

Lequitta: All that comin up next stay tuned! Like Aerosmith you don’t want to miss a thing…ok perhaps some lip reduction won't hurt either!

Tyrone: Plus let's welcome some newbies up in here as well,cause blessed are the newbies they wil make great posts in the future. Makanga...YKM

While I was away

2006-07-18T19:58:00.000+03:00

Yes, I have been away for far too long. Being behind the scenes was interesting. There have been some anonymous commenters out there. Mara they are announcing Guess is in Kenya…others are saying I’m stale and a has-been…others accused KM of being a lady of ill-repute. (I love such terms when one is trying to downplay insults) Others accused Milo that his jokes are running stale as well…well that turned out to be KM after all.

Where possible ADMIN was blamed for everything…and it’s funny how everyone in admin has been so busy with their own personal matters…I actually laughed when Admin was accused somewhere...cammon you guys better find better scapegoats out there. In fact Admin had signed in and commented:LOL!!

While I was away I managed to get me a blog-fan and stalker…actually both. Kaggz and Amkeni Wakenya. Show the some love!

And yesterday I managed to get myself nothing but a COLD/FLU! Shaite! Yaani I’m always the sickling! I think a cold is the only thing that can kill THE DEVIL! May he catch one. Right now I think I could use a nail-gun to shoot knitting needles into my ears for relief from the severe irritation. I’m suffering. Haki I am one unhappy spidey! It's like I have perfected the art of getting sick! Prolly the makings of my next post!

Throat: …if only it was just sore…it’s like it has a new life of its own. It has a pulse of it’s own. It has secretions that on examination don’t look cute. Swallowing is done via molly-coddling and prayers; so stuff goes down with the most ease possible. It feels like a chimney in which Santa had miscalculated and thought he was gonna fit in…and has asked Rudolph to stump on him to help him go down! So there is a bulky Santa squeezing down with Rudolphs antler scratching the sides of the chimney leaving trails on his way down!

Nose: I’m having that kind of runny nose that is annoying…you know it…that has you sniffling back because drops just fall…and there is no time to reach for a handkerchief! Out of nowhere drip drop! So, nearby people look at you in disgust-you present a visual and audio form of disgust! You keep sniffling as soon as you put your handkerchief BACK in the pocket! It’s like you have no idea what it is for!

Wet moments: ever had a situation where your hanky was full to the brim? As in cannot absorb more…cannot wipe more!

REMINDS me of a school play where 2 lead actors both had colds. Ha, I was one of them. Besides the pampering we received behind the stage…on stage we made dripping fools of ourselves and our Hollywood status. I, remember wiping myself with my hand and some wrist since my hanky was wet to the brim. And ended up smearing it more so had to now like kinda use the back of my hand to wipe what wasn’t wiped before…torture on stage! And the other guy used his tiny hanky (the kind you carry in Nursery) and literally picked the dangling drop and returned it into his nose and tilted his head back for the drop to slide back down. YAANI no room at the INN!

Palate: …I know something must be crawling up there (it could be a tapeworm for all I know remember I can’t smell what I’m eating anyway!)…a gun shot may provide relief but I’m afraid the gun-smoke would flare up my allergies. It’s that bad.

Voice: Who cares what I sound like…at the moment better than a husky Ms K…but if you listen carefully Spidey may be whimpering in pain!

Mood Swings: Now I know why chicks pull them. It’s such a plot to just snap back…as in the victim totally doesn’t see it coming. Ask today’s patients…ask today’s “oops I’m not quite numb but I think its ok…good Gawd help me please” patients

But all in all I am subdued!!!

I always say to handle a cold-u must submit yourself as it’s BITCH! Then and only then will it be Gentle. Screw Garlic/ginger mix! Screw Chicken Soup! Screw Fluids and Relaxing…Screw antihistamines and antibiotics to fight the proceeding bacterial superinfection…Screw keeping warm…submit! SUBMIT and you will be spared!!!!

So that is my rant for the day…Anon you can call it substandard…you can call it crap…but the fact that you are reading makes me happy. The fact that you are complaining means you have gotten better and hence your high expectaions from this blog-so your insults are a compliment by themselves.

LOOK out for the latest SLEEZE CREW POST!

A night via K-street!

2006-06-18T09:11:00.000+03:00

Nick had actually gone on retirement and as Bankelele was saying living off my pension. Seriously, only Tato was remaining,. I am going through some stuff right now, and my blogging addiction has been affected…but so help you Shiroh I am not undergoing Blogging Atrophy or Blogal Menopause or Blog Impotence.LMAO…Shiroh has in lack of a better word, begged me for a beat down…she has served me papers summoning me to SORT HER out fair and square….NGOJA tu…As Saitoti would say…WATCH MY STEPS! There come a time!

So my dear old pal S! and Aco tagged me some time back…manze you guys don’t know the meaning of Pax. As in I’m not playing! Sijiskii…sijifeel...sitaki...usually that was always a result of it being your “he” or rather u being “IT” all the time and was too fat to chase the other kids so come break time… come lunch time… come home time… come August holidays you always went home being “it!” Not fun I tell you!

Fulfiling a sixth of the tag, here is one weird fact that happened yesterday and may it not be used against me in a court of law. Remember I am Nick the Freak …that rhymes and also fits in with geek!

So my cousin came over to visit. He is uni outside Nbi… he is 25 yrs old and I had mentioned him earlier in an early post and had refered to him as “the idiot!”

There we are looking for cheap thrills of amusement…and my definition of cheap is no cash needed...remember I’m the asocial type-kinda like parallel to the norm. As always I get my TATO on we watch Omen at 9 pm (damn it has some scary split second moments-GADDAMN!)

On our way home we decide to pass by K-street. Yes, it happens to be enroute if you take a couple of detours, deviations and roundabouts off your main course! Anyway…usually we always do them driveby’s and giggle with glee…pointing and clapping like seals screaming “ Oui! Oui! oui! oui! oui!” But this time he wanted to stop and ask about the rates. Now it was easy for him to suggest this-it wasn’t his car that would be spotted on those KTN features and he wasn’t the one driving … "he was just sitting there by the passenger’s side trying to holla at them…”

I was apprehensive about the whole idea, but I’m always game for a good prank. (Is that what I’m calling it?) We spot one and I coolly, calmly make a slow stop the way I have seen it done in the movies, and you know I've watched plenty. She wasn’t impressed by this so-called act of suave! I stop the car; he rolls down the window and propositions her to come a lil bit closer. She doesn’t take the bait she is seated on those half-posts…probably it’s been a long night for her...she wasn’t budging. (Probably she was numb from the post-who know's. Have you ever tried sitting on those concrete posts and even try look comfy?) All this time I’m pretending I ain’t even in the car…not to mention looking at the rear view mirror, side mirror…sides…windshield…I knew I was getting busted by cops for soliciting on my way to hell! “I’m too pretty to go to hell! Too young to go to jail" ...or is it the other way round?

So there she was all nonchalant, actually a better word is unmoved…evidently she had done this before. “Sema?” she threw back!

Idiot looks at me, I cough, fidget and adjust the rear view mirror, blushing internally, externally and inferiorly.

He mans up and says “How much is it for the whole night?” (What the hell?) Evidently he had done this before. (HA!) She thinks out loud “5 thou!”

We both swallow hard! Obvious we hadn't thought things through! “Ok buh-bye…” is all she must have heard as I drove off like a lil biatch…We were laughing so hard and all of a sudden I stopped getting scared…we devised a tag team way of questioning /harassment so as to avoid future awkward moments. Game plan fixed-we were ready to go, we drove round the likes Moi Avenue, Mama Ngina Street etc etc and had a few revelations of our own.

It’s funny how I had stereotyped them before…but I came to discover that they are on the street simply for the money-to them it’s not a game, it never was. They have self respect-even if you may doubt that! There were things they were not willing to do.

Now, if this was a Ms KMutsaurus squad collabo...you’d have gotten to know what they were adamant on not doing...the mountains that were too high or the oceans too deep... One said even for a Maissonette she wouldn’t kubali. “She would do anything for cash…but she won’t do that!” It sure was a contradiction…but interesting to know they had boundaries.

All-nighters were ranging from 30000 to the aforementioned 5000. But, most were not willing to “retire early” One shot was going for 500/= and for a 100/= you could take a quick peek at the ‘good girl’ (Don't believe i stole a line from Grey's Anatomy!) I think two guys in a car would scare most chicks...cause they insisted they don’t do threesomes and would suggest calling a friend of theirs. “Ala huyo mwingine ata kuwa wapi?” “Ebu nikuambie…” this one was kind hearted and was schooling us on the tricks of the trade “...hakuna dame ata kubali mmkiwa wawili, itisha tu manzi mwingine kila mtu awe na wake”

Now that is a revelation right there! Hmm. Yaani, if this was a research I had my info right there and then…I’m telling you all that was missing was pen and paper…she was gonna tell us her life story.

Funniest moments:

-my ka-moti has a tint so whenever one would come to the window at the passenger's side they’d keep peeping suspiciously at the back seat to make sure the back seat was empty, losing concentration. Heck in the first few stages I was so well hidden UNDER the chair they’d wonder who the hell was driving!

-Some ghetto ones kept yelling that their one shots are the best. Then when we declined over cash… they were like “ok, basi, tupatie lift mpaka hapo juu tumechoka!” Trying to open the locked back door…Have you ever driven off a parked car starting with gear two???????

-we inadvertently approached the same group of chicks twice. They were hustling a car with foreigh plates, then when it dorve off they came running towards us…when they reached near, they recalled us and they dismissed us! Damn it! Not the other way round! “Hawa wako na upuzi!”

-there was a japanese cutie...who was running helter skelter

-another one had the legs of a roomate of mine "mwangi is that you?"

Verdict:

-there was a lecturer of ours who did a study on something to do with oral sex prevalence among sex workers. She had dressed up as one of them and she had discovered that that is a very sad world…I agree! Most of them don’t like being there yet they are. It’s all about survival the best way how! Which begs the question why on earth would you be doing something you hate doing? Something you think is demeaning?

-some were well mannered and polite. Perhaps their mama raised them right perhaps they were good in PR and Customer Care? What is that line form City High "...what's a girl gonna do when she has a kid at home who's crying all alone and the only way to fed him is to sleep around for a lil bit of money and the daddy's gone...."

-As much as we laugh at them or think they are just plain easy and skanky and nasty…deep down they are lost and I took pity on them. They may act lewd showing off their “supermarket” (yup that’s a new word) but it takes a person of low-self respect/esteem/worth to put themselves out there like that subject to pranksters like us…cops…clients who beat them up and run off without paying ..Diseases…

There was nothing glorifying about what they do! Sure, there is a need or is it demand for their services –but what actually puts them out there on the streets, scantily clad, waiting for something they are dreading to do…defeats me.

-On the other hand it’s not only good to blame the suppliers but the consumers. (You can tell economics is not my forte) Each party is to blame. How on earth you would pick one up is beyond me as well. No excuse can justify it…not "one-night stands bila commitment…not even a dare…not even the devil made me do it...it takes 2 losers to tango in such a pathetic dancefloor.

So if you happen to drive by K-street this weekend…LOL…look out for the light chick in green…kidding…look at them different! Look at the whole scenario different!

Haiya when did this post turn into a post with a message? Anyway, bottom line is that was a cheap thrill we had that proved to have a teaching behind it!

1996

2006-05-18T21:47:00.000+03:00

Yup, every year I have done a retrospective post of ten years back. The fact that this is my third one doesn’t go down well with me because it shows I’ve been around for a really long time. There was 1995 and 1994.

Of course the most outstanding thing of that was clearing with K.C.S.E. Talk about the beginning of a long road to hell…but that’s another post altogether.

This time we'll do a very quick run through…bringing to serious competition to MEMOIRE my fellow flashbacking competitor!( Oh this post was done earlier in the year when she had returned!)

Music

Enter Metro FM which in fact initially was called Capital…then enter Capital FM-with the Likes of Feel My-Toes(Phil Mathews), BAB KEY-Oh-Koh(Bob Kioko)...Zain Verjee,Jo Theones, etc etc etc. Bye Bye KBC we now had new stations to dub our music from. And what was the music that graced us at that period. I remember Walt Baby Love quite well cause I had dubbed his voice in my own home copy of 'if your girl only knew' Aaliyah and 'Last Night' Az Yet. Do you remember 'Who do you love' Deborah Cox?

Of course spilling onto this year from the previous, was BROWNSTONE, 3T (can anyone remember the song Tease Me…we can do it nice and slow bring your body close to mine...)
Also spilling over were MJ’s album-HiStory and Mariah’s Daydream Album-which to me is her best-with songs like Underneath the stars, Melt Away, Open Arms, Always be my baby-shururup dow shrururuturutu dow…Janet Jackson’s Design of a Decade Album with ‘Runaway’ that had a line about … ‘... African skies with a Nairobi mood’

Celine Dion broke out with her ‘Falling into you’ album wow ‘if that’s what it takes’still my fav song with that 10min long song ‘all coming back to me now’ A song also featured in “Up Close and Personal” Pfeiffer and Redford.

Waiting to Exhale Soundtrack was also spilling into this year…and so was 'Kiss from a Rose'. Can you remember Tony Rich Project….' nights are lonely the days are so sad'. Toni Braxton Sophomore album…'I always think of you inside of my private thoughts…the very thought of you makes me wanna get undressed I wanna be with you in spite of what my heart says…." NGAI FAFA...and then there was a Ragga re-mix of the same song that’s my all time fav re-mix ever! Notable Soundtracks “Nutty Proff” with Montel's killer 'I Like' obviously Az Yet, and there was a song there by Ill NANA…oh yeah! I think even Set It Off was from that era. The likes of Notorious B.I.G and idiots arguing Notorious Big. Tupac died-or did he in that year! 'Changes' what a song! Babyface and 'The Day' Fugees made an appearance 'Killing me softly' Wasn't 'Macarena' also form this year? Space Jam soundtrack!

Television

I think the best thing to happen to me TV wise was Beverly Hills 90210-unleash that Theme music with the serious trumpet…and the 2 hour long pilot episode that debuted the week we opened school, first term. There was the usual Living Single/Fresh Prince/Perfect Strangers /Family Matters/ Sisters / Lois and Clark / E.R / Neighbours / Hangin' with Mr. Cooper/ Commish / Family Matters / Murphy Brown / cheap comedy On Our Own/ Step by Step
Knots Landing…

Club Kiboko…with its funny cartoons like ‘Count Duckula’ the blood-fearing, vegetarian Count also known as ‘Ducky-Boo’ (LOL -Kipepeo you must have loved it!)

Movies

I think all through, I didn’t watch a lot till I cleared then I let it rip. Beginning with Richard Gere's Final Analysis...to Basic Instinct to Fatal Attraction...that was a Genre of movies I got acquainted to. Sliver to Fair Game to Indecent Proposal. Who needs to sneak in porn when you could rent it out legit! Talk about Porn with a great stotyline=Basic Instinct! Went for those New Years back to back movies at Fox Drive-In 7pm-4am and watched Jumanji Twister Mission Impossible, Nutty Professor…Other movies to note: Dante’s Peak/ Devil’s Own / Primal Fear/ Braveheart/ Independence Day/ Set it Off/Jerry Maguire/Space Jam/Phenomenon/Broken Arrow (Travolta was making as many movies as he could lest his fame plummeted again) /Sleepers (all star cast!) Courage Under Fire (Meg Ryan still had it!) ….and many many more cause there was a night that MNET-movie magic didn’t disconnect and I watched from 7pm till 12pm the following day...yes the birth of the Couch Potato. M-Net was like a forbidden fruit only for the privileged lucky and for you to get it free-well Santa wasn’t coming your way for the next few years or so.

School

-Besides the whole Final year pressure, and notable set books of Government Inspector, Concubine, Shamba La Wanyama-puke! Yawn!
-Our Bio Prac involved some cow intestines, and instructions involved, squeezing out the contents and testing for presence of lipids, carbs bi-products, fats…and for obvious reasons that section was done last. Funny thing is guys were handling them intestines like you do your privates with the utmost delicate and fine precision…careful not to stink yourself. Until time was of the essence and people grabbed them intestines and squeezed them chap chap…jist aside, graceless under pressure…it was do or die/squeeze or else
-Took part in M.U.N. Did not get selected to become a Junior chair in M.U.N-no I was not bitter having spent numerous sessions on Friday at I.S.K training only not get picked at the end! It's not like I wasn't smart or the Koffi Annan type or anything-DAMNIT! Adding salt to insulted injury I got stuck as Ecuador Ambassador in Nuclear Disarmament. Now you know the juiciest sessions were in Human Rights! Funny thing, I had co-signed a document for France and in the session voted against it. JACK-ASS! France was not amused. France represented by a pit-bull in a skirt, stared at me threateningly across the aisles… Oh and there was this babe called Anushka that had long flowing hair and she was from Malaysia( as in she was not representing it she was from that country) and she kept stealing glances or so I thought…oooh I still have her signature…God Bless the United Nations and NO PLACE else!
-Became a School Prefect…OH the power of the RED TIE! And the prefects room where we’d play Strip Poker with none other than Stunnuh Jay…that’s when we became buddies with Ms Stunnuh especially since we got picked from school real late…the prefects room was also a den for playing marbles and darts and table tennis and hanky panky hahahahahaha. There was this chick Sheila that was always eager to play strip poker but always lost…so off would go her shoes…socks…tie…hanky…shirt…and she’d remain in a t-shirt clutching her arms in front of her looking like she had been violated in a very, very naughty way!
-Oh those numerous dates to Slush ati and mature romantic walks to and fro school.
And the lunch dates were after or before swapping letters. Yaani I’m still yet to fathom why those letters meant so much at the time-but boy oh boy there was hell to pay if you had not replied a letter.
-A buddy of mine, Sam and I were busted tuning this chick-Faith in Physics class. The idiots that we were, were passing her letters…I don’t remember well but I had written something to the effect “Michelangelo knew art I know not…Picasso knew beauty I know not…But when I look at you…I know…I know….” (Give me a second as I regain my composure…is that a master piece or what!?!?!?!?!?) So, the Physics class teacher curious as to what this 3 buffoons were giggling at came running and managed to get hold of the paper…10 years today she’s probably stopped laughing!

Social

-14/02 got a lovely Val’s card signed J.A.F…didn’t take me long to figure what that meant and to think I had given her an Original Poster of GoldenEye. Unbreak my heart say you love me again…Undo the tears…Cut the crap and give me back my POSTER!
-Sofi, Sofi, Sofi…if there was a year we really bonded this was it! Hope you are reading.
-My friend’s sis would hide out at our place when I was reading during the holidays. She’d appear at 10 and stick till around 4…Poor thing was lying to her family she was in college all day…and then when my buddy once appeared without prior notice and found her there…there was an awkward moment! I mean all parties involved were innocent but wow that awkwardness…mmm mm mmm
-Discovered the value of relatives…or the lack of. It’s such an awakening when you realize that no one actually cares about you, no one is there for you as they pretend to be. You are alone in this world…and the better you realize this the faster you grow up!
(Cue M.J’s they don’t really care about us!)
-Couldn’t wait till Dec hols…to live the wild side. Cut my hair! Go partying till the break of dawn. Hung out with my cousins…er…uhmm…that fro lingered on a few more years and partying till the break of dusk is what most likely happened.
-Missed one of my favorite cousin’s wedding...at that time I was feel-anga nothing but in retrospect I do wish I kinda attended!
-We kosanad with an entire family over some stolen goods at our place. Our immediate cousins…things never returned to normal…but as much as you realize family counts you also discover-tough love!

I think that is all I chose to remember for now. It seems like yesterday.

KBW ADMIN

2006-05-16T19:17:00.000+03:00

Introduction

The Kenyan Blogs Webring (KBW) has grown steadily over the past two years and rate of growth increases month on month. We have come to recognise that many of our new members and some of our older members are not aware of the admin team and the role it plays in the running of KBW. This post aims to answer some of those questions and provide an opportunity for you to ask more.

The admin team is made of six bloggers including myself.

My colleagues on this team are :

-Afromusing
-Daudi
-Kui
-Maitha
-Mshairi

We are spread over three continents and 9 time zones reflecting the wide geographical base of the KBW members. In addition, we have a 50/50 gender split on our admin team which again reflects the nature of KBW. This team has been together for almost a year now.

What do we do?

So what do we do? First and foremost, we are the support mechanism for KBW. Either directly though our interaction with bloggers or indirectly through the services we provide on our website KenyaUnlimited. This support ranges from html issues to general blogging advice.

The admin team is also a decision making body. All decisions regarding matters to do with the webring are debated honestly and vigorously amongst us until we come to a decision. An example of some the recent decisions we have taken are the composition, timing, and running of the Kaybees, the Kenyan Blogs Awards.

Apart from these two roles we do general administrative work for the webring, for example,

* building the information database and actively keeping our site bilingual;
* actively seek out positive PR for the webring and its members;
* investigating the role we can play as a socially responsible organisation;

All of these centred around building a community of and for Kenyan and Kenyan friendly bloggers and raising the level of blogging debate amongst that community.

Admin blog

We have also set up an admin blog [url] where important and appropriate decisions and actions taken by admin regarding KBW will be posted as and when necessary.

Contact us

Each member of the admin team now has a personal email address at KenyaUnlimited. Please feel free to contact me on any KBW matter at my email address which is nick [@] kenyaunlimited.com. I have sole access to this email address, although I may raise any issues that relate to KBW with my fellow admin members. Our main email address admin [@] kenyaunlimited.com remains the main point of contact for the admin team. Please note that this email address is accessed by all six admin members.

Finally

We want to emphasis that we are here as a support mechanism and not as a controlling body. Our focus is to build on the stable foundations we have laid together with you to turn the Kenyan Blogs Webring into a positive force wherever we and you are. Your suggestions, comments and interaction is not only welcome but highly appreciated.

Fear!

2006-05-09T22:30:00.000+03:00

Diagnosis

Chronic Fear! A deep seated emotion as a result of anticipated danger/harm or pain be it physical, emotional or social!

Clinical Manifestation
8 months of absence...M.I.A....A.W.O.L...hibernation...with an excuse that he was working building up KENYAMOTO...y'all have seen its excellence...and we know excellence is not an adjective associated with a denture wearing, prosthetic hip dancing, dyed toupee stickin, cataract obscuring, hunchback of Machakos, David Mwenje look-alike, Mayor Dick Waweru sound-a'R'ike UNCLE BLUE!

reason for his disappearance:
-humiliation? do u remember this

-defeat? do u remeber this

-Age induced fatigue?

-rejection/dejection as Aunt Mshairi who called the wedding off and opted instead for solitary life in a Convent that allows cigarettes. She donated the 2carat ring to the salvation army and his engagement gourd that they drunk some traditional brew from to the museum!
Dedicated her life to prayers, to give thanks for escaping the mistake that was to be and threat to her gene-pool.

(another one who should be in fear is KELITU...sweetie sijasahau that funny character assasination...I thought I was the only one allowed to do that...boy was I wrong! You will be part of the Next Top Model...just kidding I can't shamubulia you like that...or can I?)

Plan of Treatment:
Remind him that fighting with a younger, taller, smarter breed will lead to complete annihilation..again!

Treatment Plan:
First welcome him back!

So... LET'S WELCOME PAPA BLUE back...the origianal BLUE POET of the famous mugumo tree where he told his post adolescent tales. Let them poems rip BLUE! and let's see you woo the new KBW ladies as you did with the older ones. Let's see you in action, kwanza, ebu start with KenyanMusings!

Check out KENYAMOTO as well...you'd think I have an endorsment cheque...hint hint...

Blue my BLOG NEMESIS...lets show them battle as it was done back in the day!

This time let blood be shed! EBU y'all scream for WAR WAR WAR WAR WAR!!!!!!!

The loss of meaning!

2006-05-02T19:06:00.000+03:00

Stolen from Selwyn Hughes. It just hit me, I have never done a 'food for thought' post in a long time so here goes...

The loss of meaning is perhaps the most devastating crisis we can experience. Without meaning life becomes drained of its colour and bleached of all interest.

"He/She who has a "why" to live for can bear with almost any "how." Woe unto you who sees no more sense in his/her life, no purpose, no aim and therefore no point in carrying on. They are soon lost.

One of the components lying beneath non-organic depression is a sense of meaninglessness. Such despair often leads to suicidal tendencies. Today as you read these lines, many will bring their life to an end simply because they do not have a "why" for living.

On the other hand the loss of meaning can be less dramatic than above as characterised with "Sunday Depression." Where people who have been active all week in their work (or TV) find themselves with nothing to do or no one to impress or please, whereupon the inner emptiness that is inside them becomes more apparent! Earthly pleasures seem useless from booze...partying...you name it...all become replaced fully and wholly by emptiness.

The Christian whose heart is filled with AGAPE LOVE will sense a meaning of purpose in everything he/she is called to face. They can endure the "how" because they have a "why"-the "why" of eternal purpose and eternal meaning. "

My questions to you:
-how many feel they lack a "why" to get thru the "how" in life?
-do u lack meaning in your life even though for a second...do you suffer from emptiness that leads to depression that may manifest however it does?

Award Speech

2006-04-21T20:29:00.000+03:00

The Sleeze crew is out on the red carpet interviewing the Blog celebrities on this auspicious occasion that is the Kaybee Night. It has been a crazy two weeks of voting and finally the night arrived. Finally the Academy of voters cast there votes, the People stated their choice and now the awaited results were out in a Golden Globe fashion. Awards were handed out by an array of KBW presenters. Winners were elated beyond words.

Everyone was dressed in obviously rented designer outfits and borrowed jewelry. Even the skeptics attended the show. Definitely, a first in KBW where bloggers united in anticipation, waiting to see who the winners were. Such solidarity! Such Loyalty! What a show!

A quick recap of the winners…here is the acceptance speech from Nick the winner of "Coolest Blogger."Unconfirmed sources say he broke down like an uncouth Halle Berry and undignified Gwenyth Paltrow. Somersaulted his porky proportions onto the stage like Cuba Gooding Jnr. kissing and groping a pleasantly surprised Kipepeo who presented the award to him. (Remember Adrian Brody?)

“Wow! I totally didn’t see that coming! It warms my heart and rekindles my spirits. Resets my thong and refreshes my loins! WoW! The word coolest has never been used on me. Humorous yes…but not Coolest. DAMN YOU MILO, BURN IN HELL! Entertaining yes…but not Coolest. DAMN YOU MSANII XL SCORCH IN HELL! But coolest wow! This brings back so many painful, repressed memories. Back to when I was a bi-spectacled, knock-kneed, roly-poly fat with acne kid dying to fit in… into the P.E shorts and swimming trunks…into swimming floaters…school play costumes. Wishing to be picked in the football team…Hoping to get invited to the best parties. Hoping to get love letters with scented perfumes and lovey dovey hearts…with a flirtatious R.S.V.P A.S.A.P. Instead of “Please give me your math homework NOW and don’t expect anything in RETURN!” (Breaking down) And now look at me now holding this Kaybee! (Holding back tears and raising one hand in the air like a swearing in ceremony.) I feel I have come of age… (Volley of tears!) I feel accepted. (Booing and Hooing.) This here is my party invite! (Sniff!) This here is my…sniff…scented love letter! (Sniff!) My fraternity Jacket! (Waving Kaybee in the air frantically!) This here is my contact lens and zit remover! My R.S.V.P! I am accepted…I am Loved…Appreciated…I exist and I’m noticed…and yes finally can say I am c…ccc…cool! I am part of the team…I fit in…sniff…I belong!

(Regaining composure…blood shot eyes…runny eyes...subtle make-up no longer subtle!)

Finally I would like to thank:
>The Academy.
>S! For introducing me to the world of blogging…thanks to you, you showed me the blogger. (Yelling!) Show me the blogger! Show me the blogger!
>Blogspot, my URL…you were the VESSEL through which this was possible.
>The dudes and babes that comprise KBW. The blog relations, yahoo chat rooms, meet ups, sms’s, emails…you know yourselves.
>G-Papa: For inviting the freaky geek into your ring. He knew this tadpole could turn into a fully fledged Frog.
>Sleeze crew: Lequita for being quiet!
>To Princess Leia and Yoda (wink) a.k.a Wifey and Onty…for being there right from the start always with a helping hand…never too far away. May the force be with you!
>To the Vote-Recounters from Dade, Florida. Thank you for ensuring each pregnant, dimpled, dented chad voted my way!

Thank you all. Mariah Carey Rules. MJ will have a BIG comeback next year! 24 rocks!..."

Yes that was Nick’s speech at the award ceremony. We will have an exclusive on the Post Award Party…after we get through some legal technicalities sorted out for Lequita-once her withstanding restraining orders are lifted she will report live from Party.

We here at Sleeze News would like to congratulate each and every winner: Thinker, Mental, Mshairi, MJY, Milo, Guess, Msanii, Ms K, Kenyan Pundit, Maitha and Ndesanjo. Big ups to all of you!!!!!!

It only takes one idiot!

2006-04-19T19:39:00.000+03:00

In the past one week i have managed to delete my template twice. MJY showed me how to use the google cache to reclaim it...and now somehow its disappeared again...so I run to my desktop where I had "saved" my template...only to find the same deleted template on my desktop. The gods are against me.

So I have stolen the COUCH POTATO template and will fix things by tomorrow.

1.Keep hope alive
2.Show the sleeze crew some love
3.Show couch potato some love
4.Heck show me some love...wink wink KM and Shiroh

RE-EDIT.

I think my template is being hijaked all was well. Poi and I had commented and then the bloody thing disappears out on me...This is getting spooky..at first I though I was the idiot...now I'm having second doubts!

Sleeze Crew: KBW's NEXT TOP MODEL!

2006-04-11T23:06:00.000+03:00

Tyrone: Sup people, it's been too long! Just when we thought our show had been cancelled it’s been picked up for a third season after a successfull first and second season. We’re glad to be back! As usual we have Lequita here with us. Our Project Princess. And I am Tyrone, supreme King that has you asking for more and does everything just right!

Lequita: Project Princess? Oh you are so kind, I thought I was just Ghetto-fabulous. First I’d like to start off with a rare deed of saying thanks to all the guys that have been writing letters asking for mama Lequita’s return to the Silver Screen. I knew all y’all loves lil Lequita…so no more cheap shots from me to all the guys out there. No more Acolyttle jokes or Msanii X Little…Even Milo’s unmentionable conjoined twins will be spared. But girls take out your horse-hair weaves, acrylic nails, fake gold accessories and let’s get ready to rumble.

Tyrone: Hey! Hey! Hey! Today we are not fighting but discussing the fine ladies that are in KBW. The exquisite and sumptuous sista’s that need to be praised and exalted. We need to celebrate them and their beauty

Lequita: Yeah Whatever! Cammon we have to spice things up. You know this has been inspired by Guess putting all the guys in the limelight it's now a turn for the ladies to be under the limelight-running mascara and all…out of your high heels divas, lets see them nappy toe nails and YODA like feet-Oh yes this is the Phantom Menace ready to get Darth Vader on all them ladies in the house!!!!!

Tyrone: No we are gonna give them ladies all the respect they need. You know this KBW pageant has been going through many preliminary rounds and finally we have our 3 of 6 semi-finalists contenders ready to strut their stuff.

Lequita: Hmm, so how is this playing out. Today we highlight three of them and tomorrow the other three right?

Tyrone: Right! We shall feature each dame and finally a vote shall be cast…we shall try to be unbiased in our criticism and civil!

Lequita: We shall?

Tyrone: We will! Save your bitchy comments to yourself. Get out off your ‘my momma didn’t love me so I hate all women’ slogan and be decent, ya heard!

Lequita: You know my momma didn’t raise me right!

Tyrone: Yup she didn’t raise no lady but that not the point of discussion right here…there’s a time and a place…and we know damn well you are very well familiar with that phrase.

Lequita:At least I get some.. considerin' the last time u had some it was still called ‘nookie.’ Speakin of which who calls it 'some' anyway Mr Macho?

Tyrone: Your Mama! That's who and Oh, I’m doing fine for myself, thank you very much...'some'...'nookie'...'poke-fest'...it don't matter, I'm doing just fine!

Lequita: No, I think you are doing it by yourself! But anyhu...on to the main show!

Model # 89: GUESS

Strutting herself on the runway with the song “More than a Woman” by Aaliyah.
Hobbies include: Sky diving. Hitch hiking! Pranking the Jehova's Witness at her door step!
Self-analysis: Self proclaimed that she became a woman at 4. If won a million she would get Marvin a clone…and spend some cash to figure out what the child in her would think of the adult she is now and the rest spend in healing the world making it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race!
Secret: Could Lip sync all of ABBA’s songs and secretly wanted to be the 5th member to GABBA!
Dress: MiloWear’s Chiffon Polka-Dot motif with a little red riding hood theme!
Theme: Naughty and nice with lots of spice!

Tyrone: Ah the woman with dumps like a truck. Single, in UK. Got’s it going on. Kind hearted, generous and very very giving-your regular Santa clause. Her bootilicious bootie leaves many mouths open and drooling. Sexy, fair and lovely, long flowing hair with Michelle Pfeifer like lips!

Lequita: You forgot to mention in her mid 30’s, and we’re talking after the peak in the curve. We’re talking about a biological clock that broke down and stopped ticking a long time ago… but at least tells the correct time two times a day.

Tyrone: Liar, she doesn’t look a day over 29! HA! Look at how she embraces the cat-walk. Look at her. Grace and Charm. Sailing flawlessly in her chiffon polka-dot dress and pig tails. Look at the crowd cheering. Whistling. Cheering. Asking for more... more...more as she shakes what her mama gave her and swaggers those long legs that reach her armpit! Those mahogany stumps that would have you wood-chucking even during the winter without a winter coat! Look at her pull a 180 without dislocating her neck. Attitude! Elegance!

Lequita: Oh yeah? How about them shoulder pads?! Damn I failed to get the memo that shoulder pads are back with a vengeance and that she is their cover girl spokeman! Very eighties! NOT to mention she coulda at least shaved…We can tell she has never heard of Veet…or worse a Bic Razor!!!! Surely she shoulda known that TV camera’s ZOOM in!

Tyrone: I shall totally disregard that and just enjoy a piece of art.

Lequita: I do not see this one winning, that’s all I’m gonna add. I just hope heiffersaurus returns my borrowed Gucci bag…cause I have two more days to get my money back and she be saying how she needs it just for one more date!

Model #17: Shiroh

Taking over the stage with “Independent Woman” by Destiny’s Child
Hobbies: Blogging. Jogging. Hogging. Secret trips to downtown Bed and Lodging!
Self-analysis:Survivor! Stronger than most people give her credit for. Was never vaccinated for any childhood diseases but triumphantly survived mumps, measles and chicken pox without a scar. Believes in kindness and looking for the greater good in people in a society that is full of evil. Her role model include her nursery school teacher who at a very early stage taught her 6 from 9 and b from d!
Secret: Has six toes! Not that one foot has six toes…she has five on one and just the big toe on the other foot…did I mention was never vaccinated?
Attire: Tight leather skirt. Knee high boots. A tight Kimbo t-shirt with the original slogan!
Theme: Tight is right, tighter even better!

Lequita: Oh that’s my gal right there. Go Shiroh! No color coordination. No direction. No cat-walk skill but oozes confidence and esteem as she is sweating under them lights. That hair needs to be conditioned, a mud bath wouldn’t hurt her skin and cucumbers would do wonders on them eye-bags…but I want this woman to win. She represents a DIVA! A BABE! She clearly don’t want no trifling broke ass punk! That there is a winner. She has high eye on the prize and its price tag! Just like my momma darn always told me. She used to say to me when I was just 9 “Quita, you best make sure that all those boys you keep bringing home are filthy rich! Forget personality ..forget a sense of humor…forget a tiger in bed…forget if they shower or not… the only smell that matters is that from a fat wad of cash- that’s all that counts! Your hear! Now go finish you spelling practice!”

Tyrone: Could we talk about the models? No, this is a fine chick right here. Fit as a fiddle. Ripe like a fruit nourished with T.L.C! Look at her poise. Look at that long neck. The sinuous curves. The ample dashboard that she carries with exuberance! It’s bursting at the seams, under that T-shirt! Could someone turn on the sprinklers lets get her wet! Sure, she is a gold digger but she sure is worth all that gold. A lawyer by proffesion she comes with her own pre-nup! Can’t compete with beauty and brains-what a HOT combination. Not to mention those BATA shoes…the Brown ones are doing wonders to that tight skirt!

Lequita: She sure has come a long way and that is why she is an inspiration to many and to me. She used to herd cows in the slopes..whislting away with her brothers and now plays the flute and drives a Mercedes Benz! Of course it a'int hers but that is not the point. She represents all the village girls that have risen above tribulations. She’s my fav and I want her to win

Model #379: KENYANMUSINGS

Doing her thing to the song “IF” by Janet Jackson
Hobbies: BadBoys. Toys. Badboy Joys! Toy Joys!
Selfanalysis: Loves the process of thinking. Thinking about a prospective upcoming (UP-COMING) roll in the proverbial hay. She wants to strike while there is still an iron somewhere in the metal shop. What has kept her strong are those early morning exercises, 200 push ups/press ups/squats/bench presses and using her stockings as skipping ropes after a night of them serving as a headscarf!
Secret: Allergic to deodorant and her first indicative evidence has never cleared from her armpits, but hides it well with her bushy hair.
Dress: A free flowing sari by Mizrahi
Theme: Complex-a cross between surrealism and confusicsm,the dawn of a new era!

Tyrone: You know I had never seen her but she is the epitome of beauty! She brings to the stage what many can’t achieve-STYLE! Look at that tall threatening frame, an outstanding and overwhelming 6 foot 5 height that would leave any insecure man running-but not this Tyrone. I am enamored by her stature. Captured by her presence. I have been tangled in her fishnet and I a'int struggling for air just waiting to be reeled in!

Lequita: To me she looks like Grace Jones and Kim Wayans…

Tyrone: Oh! Shut up! Look at those augmented cheek bones, wrinkle free face with a little help from botox. Her eyes are the next best thing after Vanessa Williams. She has this gaze that undresses you leaving your vulnerable…piercing right through your soul making you want to confess you wanna steal some cookies from her cookie jar…

Lequita: Boy, you better relax, if you ask me she is a little too butch for my liking!

Tyrone: No one is asking you, Ms was rejected in the first round! Look at her swagger. Look at those hips. Look at that smile. Look at that twinkle in her eye!

Lequita: No what you mean is. Look at those mechanical bony hips! Look at that chipped stained tooth. Look at that twinkle in her GOOD eye! Boy you are so blind...she looks like a stunt man from a boxing Movie.

Tyrone: Oh that’s cold. You know that eye-patch is costume! Are you gonna sit there and actually say that KM doesn’t have a chance?

Lequita: The dress she’s wearing is gorgeous and yes it looks good on her...but she looks out of place. Perhaps if the stage was a war zone and she was in army fatigues…camouflage painted on her face…army boots…hair disheveled… bombs in her belt…mobile telephone on top of her rack-sack as she screams “May-Day May-Day, enemy fire right ahead” in her Pavarotti tenor…then…perhaps then… maybe then...only then... would she have a chance especially if a mine blew off right there and then!

Tyrone: OH! OH! OH! You child are cold. Damn!

Lequita: That’s right that's Lequita here showing no love for them ladies.

Tyrone: They don’t need you. Not when Tyrone with a sunrise smile, rainbow eyes has their back! And I won't even mention the heavy plumbing this brick layer can lay. Or the heavy artillery this farmer can plough...Be gone witch!

Lequita: Nah I’ll be right here with you! Like my yeast infection I a’int going nowhere!

Tyrone: Stay tuned guys we’ll be back with the remaining contestants.

BLOGGING GAMES

2006-04-01T09:26:00.000+03:00

I’ve been around this social scene for quite a while and I almost thought I was burnt out. Boy oh Boy there is a new crowd and they are moving in and taking over our old place. We have become proverbial has-beens and we can’t do anything about it. There’s a new generation blooming-time to create room and diversify! I’m quite impressed with the new lot totally interactive unlike our old generation that clung in droves…and by them droves we are drowning. So here I am to revitalize ourselves and reclaim our blog-land. OLD KBW’s unite! Let’s show them how this was done back in the day!

So instead of an April fool’s Post Lets talk about the blogging game…also inspired by a recent post by KenyanGal..(could you come take a walk with me...eeeee)

1. Blog-Ho’ing: The art of visiting most bloggers and commenting.

Remember the likes of MJY and GUESS who had been so around they were a circle! The kind neighbours welcoming new neighbours with a warm cup of tea and a basket of fruity gossip!

2.Blog-Stalking: The art of commenting even before the blogger is through editing.

Yaani the blogger is more persistant than your avatar! e.g Msanii…was always there even, before u edit your post a second time that punk was all up your comment section! Speed dial? Jobless? Sure racing to a post raises tension and gives sike to the blogger. Of course there is that annoying race Guess and I started, which I perfected by first commenting “1st here” and reading the post later. It just happened that Guess and I would be reading Milo’s post the same time and the one with the shorter comment would land at #1. Another blog we’d run to quickly was Mutumia’s…it was Fast and Furious and First and hence the coining of FFF!

3.Blog-Wars: Declaring nuclear war in the hope of annihilation and humiliation of your opponent blogger.

OH, how I miss them! Pick on anyone and let them have it!

4. Blog-Romance: The on-page romance between two consenting bloggers!

Beauty was in the eyes of the bloggers. Remember the Loves of last year? What happened to on-going chemistry between bloggers: Acolyte and Haidhuru? Ms K and Thinker and a certain slice of “cake?” Sandman and Stunnuh? Poi and Kymmbr? Guess and Milo? Akiey and Kidada? Cammon revive them flames! Bend over like in an up country jiko and blow…fan them fires and revive them dying embers.

Back then I had a wife and a mistress and a concubine…despite inadequacies and shortcomings I was doing alright but talk about not keeping up with the young lot nowadays!

5. Comment Commandments:Rules of engagement a.k.a etiquette

-If you do/did not read the post, at least let it not show in your comment. Don’t pick the first or last paragraph and ride on that...thou shall comment in totality
- A smiley or an LOL...unacceptable!!!
-Commenting is like Dating: Thou shall go around and come around! Thou shall not just accept comments and not have the decency to go over and comment…and comment again and again. Be a decent date! If taken out return the favor as well! Thou is not a one-night stand…one comment constitutes the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
-Comments are like love and thou shall grow with love. More importantly thou shall love one another as u wish to be loved.

6. Know your blogger. To avoid misconceptions and to avoid humiliation.

-Afromusing is not a dude but a fair maiden…but remember those hands back then?
-Mshairi may be as energetic as a two-year old. Hip and with it like the rest of us…but she is Aunty Mshairi to you thank you very much.
-Thinker thinks…ebu try a blog war with him and thou shall get it worse than a proctologist could ever give it to you! Thinker will rally his orange blog movement crowd and skin u alive and burn u at the alter.
-Nakeel is not an Asian chick!

--Remember when some guy was chatting up Sandman cause ati his eyes were feminine?
-Know your difference between AfroM/AfroFem…A-musing/K-Musings…WM/WMK…tafsiri/maarifa…nick/tato…

7) Oh my Gawd Blogs! These are those blogs that have total anonymity and hence the bloggers have nothing to lose by giving you a peg to hang their dirty laundry.

Nothing brought in ratings like these. Ms K was kinky in her Pretty in Pink blog. Sunflower was your Kenyan Terry Macmillan getting her groove back in Jamaica. Guess was at volcano lava temperature at times…and the funny thing is on KBW the gents are more reserved and some Ladies little…er…cough...little less reserved with a splash of nymphomania salad served with an all you can eat buffet with a glass of carnivorous wine!

8)Stereotype blogs:
(We shall use movie titles to define)

-The sweet damsels with girlie posts as Aco would say. Blogging while Sleepless in Blogland…or the Shakespeare’s in Lust
-Those with Logs of a mad, black, woman waiting to exhale
-The macho ones, Chronicles of Naniii(stolen from KM) / Return of the Lion King/King Kong with a delta force attack mode. Experienced/Authoritative with more mojo than Austin Powers!
-The ladies with License to thrill, with Boomerang love stories and bitter sad endings even after two playing that game. They know that there is a thin red line between basic instinct and fatal attraction…
-The personal Bridget Jone’s Like entries that will not entertain outside criticisms or ridicule.
-Those with Artificial Intelligence or Jurassic Experience ( I miss BluePoet) or like mine Much Ado about nothing

Love them or hate them we read them!

9) Silent Bloggers. Always there without a word.

The ones you think never read your blog but know it inside out e.g. Maitha and Torments…tihihihi and the happen to be the nicest guys who are the easiest to bully…mtado???

10) Bloggers Addiction. The undeniable secret pleasure derived from this activity.

Funny thing none of us are in denial…we love it love it. And these are the following signs of Addicts

Blog Block: A moment where one is uninspired by surroundings to blog or post. The truth is it should never matter what you post.
Blog Rivalry: Competition with like bloggers.
Blog Collabo: Ways of having two posts out there at the same time, also a form of rivalry.
Blog Hiatus: Going to rehab to come back reloaded.
Blog Families/Couples: People not in denial embracing their addiction….
Blog and another Blog: Need I say more?

27

2006-03-17T00:01:00.000+03:00

Dear Nick,

Wassup, how you doing?

I write this letter to wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wow, I have known you for 27 whole years. We have had some good times and bad…but most of all we have kept each other company ever since we realized we were all that we had! WE have been best friends/companions/confidants…heck even lovers...a relationship we have have finely perfected.

I know sometimes you feel disappointed in me. I see how you look at me in the mirror; I can see your face there looking at me. With your beautiful big brown eyes, with streaks of red, and splashes of jaundiced yellow! You never see what I see, and I just realized I never see what you see. I look at you and you look at me-and we see different things. You have to realize that even when I feel like u dislike/loathe me- I must admit- I on the other hand think you have come pretty far with outstanding achievements. Then again, pity does become me, when I also see the failure that you see. But remember you were right there and you cannot cast judgment or criticism for any failure or success.

However, I am not writing to dampen your spirits. No weight jokes! I am here to celebrate with you as we celebrate YOU! Wow 27…did you ever see it coming? Think of all those old-jokes you cracked! They were funny too! And now you are so close to 30, all of a sudden those jokes are no longer funny.

Think of when you turned 8 and started collecting birthday cards.How about at 5, how I'd try to sneak up on you in the mirror to see if you'd appear same time as I did. Oh, and when we turned 18 and got adulthood all wrong. Ha, not forgetting 13 when you cracked your voice in a period of a week-nothing like not quite cracking it completely! Sounding like James Earl Carey in a syllable! Your first slow dance at late 14-arms outward stretched, only contact was my hands her hips, her hands my shoulders…oh the endless jokes on that…we might as well have been in two rooms! The flu at 16! Remember just the other day when we turned 1? Yeah, neither do I!

From friends to family we have pretty much been lucky. The bad times have been there and together we have triumphed and managed to make it through the rain. Been able to stand up once again! As for those cherished hallmark moments…the volleys of laughter...the priceless friendships...cheap jokes…silly side-splitting pranks! Wonderful memories vividly emblazoned in my mind that I’d give my all just to hold them once again. (Enough with the Mariah Quotes) Life has been at its best, even when the future seems foggy and gloom, you should never complain! Never!

So 27 it is. 9x3! 30-3! TSK! TSK! You know better than I am it only means that I am getting to know you better as you are getting to know me too! Remember that naïve goal of having a million shillings in our account by the time we were 30. Well, can’t wait to hear your excuse in 30 years! But 27 is a nice number let it be filled with good luck and good times! So what if we are still clueless on where we are headed to? So what if we aren’t married with twins on the way! So what if life has become a series of monotony! We are at a point where we know what we want and what crap we are gonna put up with. At the end of the day when the sun goes down, it boils down to just the two of us…perhaps the occasional zit! Just you and me! Let me strive to make you happy with what you see in the mirror and let me rejoice at what I see in turn.

So, happy birthday once again. Enough with the suicidal/depression jokes. Keep on smiling and spreading laughter. Live life! Focus some more like you always did. Don’t give up for it’s always the easy way out. Patience…tolerance…Sense of humor and we will get thru to 28…LORD it just hit me after today I am now next turning 28! Ok panic mode!

Yours Sincerely,
Nick.

Childhood Trauma a.k.a Memories

2006-02-25T18:15:00.000+03:00

This blog has been about cheap humor, entertainment and retro-flashbacks…well it certainly won’t stop now! Ha.

So let’s stroll along memory lane…

Bed Wetting: Now how many succumbed to those trite tricks of not drinking water in the evening? Peeing before going to sleep? Delaying urination during the day to strengthen them sphincters? Each new night with renewed zeal and confidence…into a clean pair of Spiderman pyjamas I’d hop into…snuggle up…off to lalaland. Hours later…by reflex one ka-eyeball opens up stat! Darts about frantically and suspiciously in the dark. Ear finely tuned like on a Mission Impossible set. Heart palpates and thumps ferociously. You slowly check for moistness on the bed near your crotch like you would check a baby’s temperature with the back of your hand….now if you are dry as the Sahara at noon-you breathe easy, vitals return to normal, you can even afford a sigh of relief and a coy smile... and off to lalaland again

Now, woe unto you if you are as wet as your neighbour's culinary mishap also known as lunch time stew. In a puddle you float in noisily in-cause trust me that macintosh under your sheets doesn’t absorb and its plastic properties are not silent!!! So, depending on how the-waiting to exhale-bladder incorporated with your multi-directional pee-pee misbehaved, you could be wet from your armpit to your knee. Note, it was usually one sided. (Remember the song ‘I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes-the pee is all around me…’) It was like a conspiracy by your own body to bring you down. Such back-stabbing betrayal!

Thumb Sucking: For some reason cartoons were the much entire better when your thumb was shoved up your mouth! I was a left hand thumb suckling kid from the west and still got the scar to prove it.(adjusting belt and crotch!) For some reason the event was more enjoyable if my right middle and ring finger were lodged in a folded sweater. I can’t even describe that…I’d fold up my sweater then peg it with those fingers. My cousin on the other hand sucked her left thumb and with her right index finger fiddled with her belly button! Go figure!

Cousins: Boy didn’t I grow up with many of those. From first cousins to third cousins...you know the kind you say “oh yeah that’s my cousin twice removed!” Yup! I think my mum discovered the beauty of free baby sitters. We’d drive to their place, and even before I have knocked or rung the door bell-she had burnt rubber and was practically inside the lift to her office. So each day or week, I’d be dumped in a different place! And I grew to realize that I had to adjust fast, learn to make jokes-it was mere survival. So bless all their hearts….if half a loaf was eaten with half a glass of milk-I’d sop away. If I was dropped off too early and they were asleep- I’d get in and sleep as well. If one had wet their bed-no comments were made. If all of a sudden they’d stop talking to you and make fan of fatty- I’d roll with the punches because tomorrow I’d be with some other cousins. If their loo was dirty, I learnt the art of clench and survive. If their food was near pathetic, palatably atrocious- I learnt how not to complain and the rule of larger spoonfuls shorter misery time. However sometimes the assumed the little porky was either greedy, or enjoyed the food so much and was shy to ask for more...and hence the above ruled was scrapped as I 'enjoyed' my second helping! Yup I was your regular chameleon fitting in like a glove.

Riding a bike: Remember the first time-after all that practice you finally managed to balance and ride it. You got used to that HARD seat in spite of your weight-you know!? you wondered who was riding who? Triumphed over wobbling and balancing. Even after all the scratches and bruises you had almost given up hope... but finally you did it. And neighbourhood kids clapped and whistled as you rode on that blue BMX! Well if you remember that, I’m sincerely happy for u because I was stuck on a tri-cycle!!!!!

Macmillan Library: For some strange reason the happening place to get dumped was in Macmillan Library. Ironically there’d be other similar kids and we’d form some form of Losers’ Club and make noise all day much to the consternation of the librarian in the kids section. We’d defile books by writing obscenities. Don’t ask me what pleasure we derived from scribbling perverse words. We’d share chuckles while staring at nude pictures of statues in Greek books. We’d carry holiday homework from “Questions and Answers” to “Four Skills” an of course “Primary Mathematics” We’d delve deep into the adventures of Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew super mysteries and Case Files-Oh and if you were blessed you'd have the double mysteries with everyone together in ONE book! For those that hadn’t graduated to such superior books, they were still stuck on Enid Blyton; Secret Seven, Famous Five… Funny enough none of us had a library card, not to mention the lack of books to borrow that were of interest. But, every morning we would bunch up together, the whispering would begin and so did the pranks. I wonder what ever happened to 2 brothers that used to come-each were preparing for exams. One was doing Std 8 the other Form IV exams.

Style:... with Elsa Klench... Woiye poor thing never saw that show getting cancelled. I’m still suffering from withdrawals form them canceling ‘Showbiz’ with Jim Moret and Lauren Sydney…but I digress.

Anyway, the topic was styling. The funny thing we were always in competition with our friends or with relatives. Try convincing me that the MJ-Thriller Red jacket I had was not ‘mtumba’ cause I was convinced I had the original!!!! And with the original jacket,I also believed I was endowed with the powers to DANCE… “cause this is thriller…thriller night…and no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike...” Yup, the chubby beast had borrowed 'The making of Thriler' and was let lose... all would run for cover…whoo woo thriller... thriller night…I could scare you more than any goon could ever dare try…

So, regardless of what style was in; from Dash Tracksuits, Asaki shoes, Nasty white Moccasins, Bermudas with air-jordan's, or high tops, stone wash jeans with a hood…you went through each phase like a rite of passage. Accompanying this were different hairstyles the likes of punk/box/fade/Jordan...and various walking swaggers a.k.a ‘bouncing!’

Different styles were emulated from Jefferson’s to the Miami Vice swing. Boy’s tried hard to have Bobby Brown’s attitude coupled with Coke’s ‘You can’t beat the real thing!’ Girl’s on the other hand were in control like Janet or got wild like Salt n Pepa.

Yup that sure was a blast from the past, therapy sure has helped...

Currently on Hiatus

2006-02-15T11:51:00.000+03:00

Currently, I’m enjoying being on blog-hiatus except for Couch Tato. But just when I thought I was out I keep being pulled back in Godfather style. I’m having loads of probos with the landline at home and my frequent access has been yanked from me like a white hair, quick and fast. Doing them cyber blogging doesn't compare to being at home in pyjamas reading all the naughtiness that KBW does so well.

So my valentine’s jana was such a plot. I had 3 dates: Gishungwa , Shiroh and Kipepeo. Each had drawn out straws and negotiated the hours and i have a feeling the were all winners. So Gish was there at Tea Room to receive me at 5 pm-Bless her heart. In spite of my dusty self, and country smell she was such a sport....ha and so was I! Shiroh too was a sport there after-though I didn’t carry for her her requested stilettos...I didn't here one word of complaint! Kipepeo took me to another world-literally. No wonder i have to hibernate and recouperate!

All were ladies neither complained of any shortcomings. (LOL SHORTcomings/short comings-ala Mutumia’s post)

So I will be gone for a tad, but I will be around so you better show couch tato some love he has posted afresh. So I’ll be hovering around as tato and as Looneymate as well. This is not goodbye cause as Acolyte would argue “Dude you don’t post that frequently anyway” ha ha ha

Will leave you with a cheap blonde joke

So two blondes walk into a building….you’d think one of them woulda seen it! Ha ha ha

Revolving KBW Soap!

2006-01-28T17:23:00.000+03:00

I have discovered writing posts nowadays is becoming more and more difficult. Guess and Acolyte once accused me of having specialized in my posts, thus explaining why each post gets more difficult to unleash-cause I may be trying to outdo myself in cheap humor. To a point they may have been right then again I may just be another “blog has-been” paving way for the fresher generation. By the way it is so obvious that there is a new generation creeping in. Us, older ones are on our way to the bottom, sinking faster than an anvil down to the sea-bed.

So how can one revitalize their blog: yes we could post more often? Here are some of the stunts that I have pulled. I have been a blog-ho going up and about…I was commenting all around I was practically a circle. I can incite wars! I initiated Blog-romances! At a time I even asked for Post suggestions. Hey I could start a Bloggers Arc but Guessy Babes would sue me off my chubby looks...so I guess it’s my turn to start something new.

I’m going to start a revolving blog soap. Remember that game? Where one starts a story and as it moves on to another person, the person continues the story and may perhaps take it off at tangent or keep it in the same line and tempo ?

RULES:
-Each comment will be a continuation of a part or the entire story line.
-Each comment should follow the preceding comment in story flow.
-Preferably avoid anonymous comments.
-The story is fictional so let no one take offense.
-I have weird imagination so let yours run wild.
-You can introduce other characters or yourself into the story the more the merrier.

It's Saturday late afternoon, in Blogland. Like letters in the Keyboard…Like leaves in a grapevine… these are the Blogs of our Lives!

Acolyte is working out in the gym furiously. Msanii is seated there watching him, listening to his I-Pod. He has no alternative, he needs a lift. They have an early evening double-date with Mutumia and Guess. The Blogland divas! Msanii is biting his fingernails he cannot remember the last time he was this excited. Acolyte pumps the iron harder than ever, he needs to maintain that chiseled look. Could today be the day he succumbs? What the two fellows don’t know is that Whispering Inn and Brother Jero have a date with them later that evening with similar hopes.

Brother Jero has just made an excuse to Kipepeo why he can’t meet her tonight… something to do with working the evening shift or not feeling too well cough cough.... Kipepeo on the other hand was relieved the date was cancelled and is on her way to meet Whispering Inn’s pregnant girlfriend-Spicebear!

Ms K and Kenyan Musings (batteries left at home) on the other hand have respective movie dates with Akiey and Thinker. Akiey is grooming himself up with cologne as Thinker struggles to grease up his curly kit…each wants be in their sharpest form! This is not a double date, but the couple bumps into each other up at the theatres. Thinker is out with KenyanMusings and is busted leering at Ms K.

S! and Shiroh are swapping kindergarten stories over some Ice cream. Shiroh keeps mentioning Torments, S! in turn keeps mentioning his rebound from Lequita! The two are a much made in heaven! Sandman is wondering who he is gonna take out dancing Nakeel or Stunnuh? Who is less baggage? Stunnuh has already left numerous voice messages insinuating that she is free and available.

Poi is on the phone catching up with Kymmbr. Irena is on her way to Jamaica again. Keguro is in Jamaica. Gishungwa is working late tonight she has no date…yet! All she has to do is go thru her three little black books! Magaidi is giddy over CuteAngel. CuteAngel wants none of that!

Prousette and Wangari decide to leave their hubbies at home and cruise the town…I hear they are meeting up with the 3 sisters Mshairi, Uaridi, Nyakehu for a night out of town. 5 girls let loose in town sounds like danger.

Mental is helping Farmgal close shop apparently they plan on having a quiet dinner at Mental’s cribas he shows her picture slide show of his visit to Kenya. MJY is flying in from Belize awaiting a hearty reception at the airport. Unaware that everyone is expecting her the following day. She has shocking news for everyone.

Let the stories continue....

Memories that make you go HMMMM!

2006-01-16T21:23:00.000+03:00

We walk through life alone. Suffer alone and many a times in silence. Especially if you are an only child you appreciate what solitude can do to you-it’s either a blessing or a tragedy. But you come to appreciate what and how much friends and relatives contribute to your life. Yup this had the makings of a deep post-but oh hell to the no! This is a post on friends and relatives, and I wish to share some cheap moments of unbridled laughter that remain in the back of our minds…note how these are probably their worst memories as well…Since they don’t read my blog they will realize why they should! These are just but a few incidents of upcoming posts.

M: My fellow, rotund best friend. Who once in a fit of astute bravery- after calling me a sissy, took a cup of tea served straight from a sufuria which came straight from a jiko. Boiling is an understatement, as I asked for another cup to cool my cup. He looked at me like he had lost all hope! With the Machismo and Balls of Jamhuri High School and Upper Hill High combined-he took a healthy swig of that Tea. I think time stood still for him! He produced such a barely inaudible whimpering sound, and almost coiled up like the Hunch Back as he struggled to swallow it, but ultimately lost the battle and spat it out! My now cross-eyed friend was trying to downplay the fact that he wasn’t in pain, and that the tears rolling down his cheeks were a figment of my imagination. I just looked at him with tears welling in my eyes as well as he fanned his mouth with the mandazi he was holding. As we waddled back to school, he was peeling of his upper gum asking me to check if there was much damage. Oh, of course it was no biggie, gums do re-grow right?!

B: Medicine ward rounds. We were being taught how to examine for lymph nodes in the arm pit. Quick summary in layman’s terms there are 4 walls and the roof. Now B with his manicured nails (I’m just teasing) was requested to demonstrate how to examine, he didn’t see that coming. So he quickly looks for a box of gloves and in Kenyatta those things are rare like a good smell. So he tries to beat about the bush…and the Consultant is getting unamused demanding he demonstrates how to check. So, there is the patient with an obviously sweaty unshaved armpit…and he tries to examine him over the patient’s gown so as not to touch his skin. To which the the consultant yanks his arm of the gown and delivers it straight to the moist, awaiting armpit at body temperature. Manually, he was directed through each of the four walls and up the apex!!!! Oh, he felt those nodes alright. I’m sure he picked up some DNA on his nails too. Worst, part he had to wait an hour till the ward round demonstrations were finished before he could dash to the nearest sink to wash his hands. His flustered frazzled face was priceless, not to mention he curled his fingers like a fair damsel. Arched at the wrists, each finger on its own like some form of arthritis!

Lewis: My dumb ass cousin from Nyeri. Dec Holidays 1987 an assortment of cousins meet up in shags as is the norm. Another cousin Wangechi and I are so an amused with his whining self that one of us calls him an ‘Asshole!’ I’m telling you such fowl mouth in such young children. Anyway, the idiot (we still call him that!) starts asking us what that means! In all sincerity, he wanted to know! What the Kcuf! And worse he demanded in Kiuk “Assy-horr ni ndue?” He gets so persistent that he threatens to go ask his dad! Damn punk he had me by the balls and Wangechi by the nipples. Somehow he had turned things round and we were under his ignorant mercy. NB: We sure as hell didn’t know what it meant, by the way!
So Lewis still curses us for that moment. Wangechi passed on in 2002…and all he has to say is “ One down, One more to go!”

Lewis: Oh boy! Oh boy! I should just have named this post after him. Apparently in the same holiday I was wearing some loose shorts, such that, at a time I bent over I revealed a butt crack. Now to him, this was the best thing to happen to him because the poor fool thought he was the only one that had one. And as he recalls-I have no recollection of this whatsoever- I apparently sat him down and told him about the buns and the cracks. And he was so relieved he lived happily ever after. (LMAO! LMAO! LMAO!)

M: This child had a heart of Gold and the persistence of a summer rash. He could get onto your last nerves-with his forgetfulness, stubbornness and annoyance. Lunch time, the moron forgot his lunch money again. So guess who has to suffer-his friends. So as usual he takes over control of our money…he begs and borrows and he divvies up how the money has to be spent. Eventually he manages to buy himself a descent amount of food and guess what even has enough change to buy for the street kids some lunch too. Impressive! Worse, he has munched his chips with his fat fingers all oily, and then he wipes off grease and tomato sauce on his burger. He is totally clueless that you are watching him. And then he has the audacity to look at you with some angel eyes that would have you adopting him immediately and offer you, with utmost kindness, if you would like a burger! I don’t know what was worse-him eating a burger off your money while u were having none…or the fact that he had just wiped off his hands on it!!!!

P: After a balloon debate in which I emerged victorious. He came congratulating me wholeheartedly, and further added that it was a good thing that I had defeated R. He continued how R thought he could debate and was always wasting his time in debates. R was crap! R was useless! R this… R that. He kept trying to high-five me…and I was unresponsive. All this time I’m speechless/stunned/quiet because R was standing next to me and the Dumb-Ass was not seeing him as he went on and on…well not for long cause R cleared his throat and there was an awkward moment followed by sheepish grins followed by quick scampering into the distance!

P: Same P as above, this time eager and willing to learn how to count stomata under the microscope, enquired off the biology teacher how to do so. To which the sarcastic teacher replied “You start with one…proceed to two…eventually you reach three…” That is what you call TRAUMA! When the whole Bio Class is rolling in stitches!

G:LOL squared. This Girl was so brave for taking part in a School Play as the only female role, when she was just a form one with season veterans like us. Scenario: She was supposed to go faint all of a sudden and we were to carry her by her shoulders and legs and carry her onto the table. What happened during rehearsals: She faints and three of us dash for her as always and she falls in our arms. We carry her…however en-route to the desk…suddenly her weight shifts and the 3 of us are in bad positions to stop this from happening. And she tips, overturns and is headed towards the floor but is stopped by the corner of the desk connecting with the bridge between her boobies! After the brief encounter of the close kind she lands onto the floor with disheveled. Now at first we were worried! But her releasing a tiny yelp assured us she was ok. Did I fail forget to mention the so-called veterans were immature childish Form Two’s. Giggles/Guffaws/Chortles/Laughter filled the air. She arose holding and patting her bossom like she was choking, arching her back like she was about to bear a child…and her left hand was as speechless as we were for either it was on her back, her forehead, in the air waving us off, or touching the edge of the desk in disbelief…Her left hand did the talking! She had so many poises like each was an expression of emotion. There was the “Oh my Gawd this just didn’t happen!” “Are my Ribs intact?” “Ouch, that Hurt!” “I never wanna dance again cause guilty feet have got no rhythm” “If I squeeze my boobies 3 times saying -there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home- all this might disappear!”

The female director run to her and couldn’t rub her pain away. Everyone was laughing hysterically and so was she….that scene was perfected!

Uchawi at its best???....NOT!

2006-01-08T20:58:00.000+03:00

Oh, the beauty and joy of a short post.

Trust me this thing had me puzzled at first..I had tried everything even repeating the same number didn't change a thing. However, you do have to think of a real number resulting from proper maths. If you guys can figure it out, comment chap chap...this is impressive stuff! But the catch is pretty obvious...

I tried 17-8=9 like ten times different symbols they got it right all the time...a PRIZE will await he who figures out what the catch is fastest. That PRIZE could be an email of PART 2 and 3 of the BLOGGER MEET UP

If you wanna be fooled check this out...but small hint, it really isnt magic
Flash Mind Reader

Another Blogger's Meet Up

2006-01-03T16:52:00.000+03:00

Again we met yesterday. Just had to meet. Once you start you can’t stay away from them. It’s like an itch that you just have to scratch; it’s like that cheap pleasure when you hit the right spot in your ear when using a cotton bud. Present without apologies were the same crew of Gishungwa, Guess, Shiroh, Milo, Thinker, and Blue Poet but guess who graced us with an appearance as well. MentalAcrobatics, Kenyan Pundit and the very real Daud el Raud the blog hater. In the mix was Mental's cousin, a fellow blogger as well Ncruba and Mental’s brother Hendrix…which he insisted was Hendrix as in Stevie not Jimmy…and Mental’s sister as well. Word of advice Mental, even us guys have relas to bring hakuna cha showing off.

Now a blog on this second meet up requires Cohunes. I’m telling you there is so much to say so little letters on the alphabet. Where can one start? Too many angles to take it. There is my usual fictional style…or the Sleeze (and I know how sleaze is spelt) Crew style…or we can even do a part 1-5 mini-blog mini series kind of thing which is what I’m going to do for a change. This time nothing has been fabricated, and like in 24, the following events took place in real time and place…I remind you again nothing has been fabricated or blown out of proportion or exaggerated. However real words used may be taken out of context and get misplaced for added dramatic effects. What you will note is none of the bloggers will refute what will be typed…however there will be repercussions and all I can say is, “ It’s a good thing there is part 1-5”

(The ban against posting was lifted after everyone realised there was too much dirt to be swept under the carpet)

So this is Part 1: A quick Summary

We all gathered yesterday, invites had been unleashed by our dear host Gish. Setting-around 3 tables on it were various drinks, various meats, and occasionally various bloggers got up and showed us that the pelvic bone has a life of its own!

Gishungwa: I have never seen a lap dance like that. A chick can dip it low, roll it all around…trust me her milkshake can bring all the boys in the yard…Yaani she was dropping it like it was hot straight from the fire into the laps of unsuspecting bloggers. Even Blue at one point couldn’t handle the heat and he run for his dear life…its scary seeing a bump-and-grind dance scene of the Lambada type between Gish and Blue (I'm telling you his prosthetic hip is doing him justice!!!!!) A walking hurricane she is…at one point She and Guess were screaming for Hendrix’s 18 inches (that’s probably part 2 of the story)…and the other time Blue was shouting to her “Use a Condom, don’t use your hands.” She has promised me to take me to Lamu and feed me Pilau by candlelight. Now I’m yet to find out if that’s a metaphor but she said I bring the candle and she can bring the fire…

Guess: You guys need to know how and with what she says goodbye with and also for how long! Let’s just say her hands do the talking and the walking and the pinching and tugging…She had guys running away in violated…she is a mean perpetrating terrorizing machine. She is not suitable for under 30 I’m telling you! Nipples were tweaked, chest hairs yanked, necks necked, ribs pocked…all the guys were Kermit’s and she was Miss Piggy with nothing to lose! She was doing cartwheels to trap thinker.

Shiroh: She was there claiming her stake! With either me or Mental…you should have seen how she escorted Mental holding hands swinging back and forth, with both almost skipping in rhythm with the moon as their back-drop. And she had this Vaseline thing going on. One time she was on Milo’s lips greasing them…next she was all over my face pretending to be applying Vaseline on my face...next she was in my trousers wanting to see my legs after Blue had displayed his. Oh, according to her-she has discharged the burden onto us, apparently burden of proof lies with us, the guys, who argued we were being sexually harassed!

Milo: Did you know he wears contacts…not effective because he sure didn’t see them coming! Now, the poor thing was violated in more ways than one. There was Guess and Gish, and there was Gish and Guess who were all over his ribs in a tickling fit…amidst giggles and spit bubbles and gas he scampered off for safety…you would too if guess was hot on your heels doing cartwheels.

Thinker: The quiet one with his Curly Kit and Jerry-Curl juices.... A reserved observer, very cool, calm and collected…remember the insinuations about him and Guess…needless to say the two needed a bigger room than Thinker’s Room…those two were more comfy with each other than a well fed child sucking his thumb, sleeping snuggly in his bed, in the middle of a thundering and pouring night, all covered up warm under a mosquito net. He was quoted saying he is not a fighter but a thinker!

BluePoet: No, he wasn’t in his famous track suit with concentric circles of sweat in his armpits… this Mack Daddy Lover Boy was hitting on everything in a skirt…even the waiter who in the right angle with his apron looked like was wearing a skirt. So, he took it upon himself to start rating Guess’s, Gish’s and Shiroh’s Ass. He started with a suggestion of putting their touche’s on display and we’d vote HOT or NOT….trust me part 2 of the story will have the ratings each got!

Mental: The Godfather was adamant not to repeat his butt show without the consent of his manager and agent who by the way are the same talents scouts that signed Gish as well! But nothing more can be said because he holds with him pictures of people in very compromising situations and not to mention I’m part of the admin team which many wanted to understand how I got in…bygones…. So he shall not be mentioned any further. Nor shall we discuss the fact that while we were all eating ugali and meat he was there chowing (is that the word for swallowing without chewing?) on ugali alone with Kachumbari…probably some non-vegetarian resolution???

Kenyan Pundit: WOW as Thinker would say. Graced us with her presence, such a total babe and downright friendly! I’m telling you she was eating Nyam Chom with a fork and knife…right Pundit??

Daud El Raud: I was relieved that he came so that I could finally prove I do not post as him! He definitely came for the free grub...huddled in one corner smiling to himself and his plate of chicken. A tad bit slow too-only in the last minutes was he dumbfounded to realize that Guess was Guessaurus…he almost hugged the stuffing out of her the second time.

Hendrix: Mental's Bro...he really got to know Guess and Gishungwa...mmm mmm mmm R rated! Plus he has incriminating evidence as well...then again so do we.

So what’s coming up in Part 2…
-Who drunk what and how much?
-Do the girls drink more than the guys?
-Who was flirting with whom and how was the flirting being done?
-Who was all over whom?
-Who was dressed as flimsy as their manners? Actually I can tell you that now-DAUD EL RAUD
-Where were Blue’s thumbs?
-Who was Blue’s Wangu of the Mugumo tree?
-Were Nick, Thinker and Daud and Mental just drinking FANTA or were they upto no good??
-Who left with whom?
-Who wore the same underwear like they had on the first time?

Hey and we might have a flashback to the FIRST meeting:
-Where a certain woman said she became a woman at age 4
-2 ladies were in a cat fight over Mental’s phone call?
-The real saga about who arrived with whom and left with whom?
-Was blue giving piggy back rides to Kipepeo with her pig-tails?

Stay tuned!

Bloggers Met Pre-Xmas

2005-12-24T23:46:00.000+03:00

Today, in the late afternoon to the wee hours of Congestina's boxing fight, 9 bloggers were having a meet up! However, there was a surprising consensus...heck they even voted that I could not/ should not and will not blog about the said meeting. It was decided upon that if I did I would be killed after various tidbits of my anatomy were dismembered, throttled, plucked, squeezed, choked, disjointed, fractured, slapped about... in a random order by the bloggers.

I'd love to rally you guys up to DEMAND for a post from all 9 bloggers...especially my version cause I have dirt on them all. Did I mention photo's were taken? Oh did I mention the bloggers that met: in order of appearance. Blue Poet, Gishungwa, Butterfly, Milonare, Thinker, Guessaurus, Machozi, Shiroh...with special appearance of Wanduma(Blue's Brother and contributor) and MentalAcrobatics made a Vocal appearance on phone and spoke to everyone.

I repeat I am not allowed to mention anything else that thappened.
I cannot distort facts into fiction.
I cannot make fun or ridicule anyone.
I have been bound and gagged.
Its upto you to lobby here and in their blogs for the real scoop!

Apart from that I wanna wish you all a very merry X-Mas. Have a blessed Christmas day!

On Leave

2005-12-14T20:52:00.000+03:00

After a long arduos year, I took my leave...so Nyeri see you till 23Jan. So, what are my goals for the leave? Have set up some soul searching goals/hopefully travel plans...I need to work things out and had started attacking them last week full throttle, but come this week they have not bore fruit so I'm one stressed out nigga. This totally defeats the whole idea of leave...you are supposed to be worry free...not in a bad mood when stuff ain't workin out. I didn't wait a whole year to go on leave for crap to be happening during the leave. The whole of today and yesterday, after the disappointing news I just bumbed the whole say. I will say I was a little disapponted, depressed, a little suicidal, nothing like indulging in self pity...but I can say the light is shining at that end of that tunnel..or i just made it shine. For some reason I am now smiling and not giving a DAMN! If this is your very definition of mood swings then its sure as hell rocks! But enough with seeing your hopes dashed, trickle of sunshine shadowed..enough of all that-it has happened before, its happening now...I'm just gonna roll with the punches and NOT GIVE UP!

Its funny when I tell guys I am not in a good mood or that I am feeling low-they look at me and start laughing cause I am one of those guys who everyone is telling how low they are feeling cause am the chirpy one that never gets down! HA squared!

Anyway for some reason I just got over that whole CRAP of self pity..or is it LOOKING down on myself and I am back to my good old spirits. Now I'll tell you, this past two days of pure BUMMING despite the downside-staying with pyjamas day in day out, uncombed hair...were also yummy! For those who know my source of pleasure and joy-SHOUT OUT TO PATRON SAINT OF TV!

I cleared First Season of THE WIRE, first 9 episodes of COMMANDER IN CHIEF, finished the last 6 episodes of PRISON BREAK...not to mention the week before i cleared the first 8 episodes of SMALLVILLE V, ALIAS V, LOST II, DESPARATE HOUSEWIVES II...now this is a COUCHTATO post but i have THE WIRE II&III waiting, ROME, GREYS ANATOMY II, APPRENTICE III, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE, SIX FEET UNDER IV-V and a whole lot more...

I'd love to discuss these killer shows and spoil as well for individuals e.g Shannon dies in Lost...but this is not the time or the place...

Definitely, I need a social life...but who needs that when u have this! So, bye bye mood swing...I'm gonna get lost in fiction...and swallow all the pessimissm/cheap self guilt trips...I'm moving on smiling with a prayer in mind and a remote on my hand!

BabyFace

2005-11-30T21:34:00.000+03:00

B is for the best that happens to be from BabyFace

Now if you love rythmn and blues…slow jam…this is a name you must be familiar with. Kenneth Edmonds a.k.a Babyface. Quickly summarizing, he is to say the least, a ten time Grammy award winner as a Singer/Songwriter/Producer and by golly a hell of a back-up vocalist and a mean acoustic guitar/keyboard player.

We talk of powerhouses of legends in history pertaining to certain fields. I like to say Jerry Bruckheimer belongs to movies. Diane Warren makes killer movie soundtracks and those tear-jerking songs. The likes of Aaron Spelling and remember Stephen J. Cannell who made TV programmes like they should be. And then there is BABYFACE in music! As Mariah is the greatest female singer of our time, M.J favorite musician of all time, Boyz II Men best RnB gropu of all time...then BabyFace is the greatest song-writer and producer of our time!!!

In his career he has co-worked with L.A Reid now the Arista Boss. Back then they formed the record label LaFace…and it’s from this label they spun out hits hotter than tea straight from a sufuria in the kiosk outside you workplace!!! I’d also like to credit his fellow co-writer and some times co-producer Darryl Simmons. However the post is on Babyface only. But with regards especially to their earlier works they revolutionalised RnB and created classics as we watched.

Now many of you may be clueless on the influence he has had in R&B, he has won 3 consecutive Producer of the Year Grammy awards and shared one with L.A Reid in 1992 and with the Bodyguard Producing team. He solely won song of the year for I’ll make love to you and Shoop…Exhale…and shared again for End of the Road. He won best RnB performance for When can I see u again. Record of the Year for Eric Clapton’s Song Change the World just to name but a few Grammies without having to go into thousand other awards. On two years he led the Grammy award nominations list and at one time had 4 of his songs nominated for best songs in one category for best song in a motion picture.

In movie Soundtracks...you know he was part of the Bodyguard soundtrack producing Team…He wrote all the songs for Waiting to Exhale, and Soul Food soundtrack need I say more. Wrote for Bad Boys-Someone to Love done by Jon B. Get on the Bus-theme song was by Michael Jackson. Could u forget- Last Night for Nutty Professor. Prince of Egypt he produced When you believe. Also played similar role Preacher’s Wife, Josey and the Pussycats, Ghost Busters 2 soundtrack.

He has also had 119 top-10 R&B and Pop hits, 47 Number One R&B hits, 51 top-10 Pop hits, including 16 Number One Singles, and single and album sales exceeding 100 million. He has written and produced songs for scores of pop music superstars, among them Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Madonna, Eric Clapton, Michael Jackson, Toni Braxton, Celine Dion, Aretha Franklin, TLC, Mary J. Blige, Brandy, Boyz II Men, 'N Sync, Tevin Campbell, Az Yet, After 7, Bobby Brown, KCi & Jojo, Johnny Gill, Brandy, Patti LaBelle, Vanessa Williams, Shanice….name it he has worked with them.

When discussing his songs where can one begin…what makes his songs tick? Could it be his remarkable penship? I’m not exactly a mushy mushy kinda guy but I’m the kinda guy who loves singing along and there is nothing as delicious as singing along to super lyrics. I think what does it most for me are his lyrics…then the instrumentation and the overall song. And if you guys have never noticed he does some mean Back-up vocals...and once you train your ear to identify his voice, then you will truly know a Babyface song.

Now I shall not go into all his works, I shall select but a few of his works that happen to be the best of the best from the best.

Babyface: Without a doubt Seven Seas and When will I see you again are his best songs-let’s not get started with that guitar... Best albums For the Cool in You followed too closely by The Day as well. When u have songs like Rockbottom/Never Keeping Secrets/For the Cool in You/When you body gets weak ft Boyz II Men/The Day/Every time I close my eyes…

If you don’t know the lyrics to his songs you better ask somebody! Trust me get a song like Rockbottom and see how he works a simple story in the lyrics…in fact Simple Days uses the simplest technique in story telling and trust me that’s all a good song requires…and they call R.Kelly a writer he who rhymes like a nursery school child. Surely can you compete with songs like Whip Appeal? Loneliness?

Whitney Houston: Most of his work with her has been in collaboration with L.A Reid and Darryl Simmons, but, I’m your Baby Tonight is down right funky. But Shoop Shoop is her best song to date-solely written and produced by none other than him. Did u know Shoop Shoop came about when he run out of words? He also worked with her in the Preacher’s Wife Soundtrack…and co wrote Miracle.

Madonna: Breathtaking. Auuuuui! Take a Bow…ever heard the back up vocals on that song…mmm! mmm! mmm! It was definitely Madonna ft Babyface. Now those two should work together!

T.L.C: Baby Baby Baby! Red Light Special! Diggin’ on you! Hands Up (u had hoochies everywhere, all on you, it’s like I almost didn’t know u, trying to shake that ass, player, you don’t even dance sup wit u…)

Boyz II Men: I’ll make love to you! Waters run Dry! Mama! Just Hold On and Never from Evolution Album. And their best song ever End of the Road which was a collaboration with L.A Reid. Note End of the Road spent 13 weeks #1 while I’ll make love to you spend 14 weeks. I think his best work has been with Boyz II Men…even with the lesser and later Colors of Love
Let me repeat this Just Hold On( i swear that everything will be alright i know that your nervous baby give it some time things will go your way) does justice to Babyface and Boyz II Men.

Tevin Campbell: Always in my heart is my all time favorite of his…and I’m ready…Can we talk…Could you learn to love. Need I delve deeper?

Jon B: Someone to love, Pretty Girl

Toni Braxton: Another sad love song(..here come the stringsthen somebody sings only takes one note and then it starts killing me darlin) Breathe Again, You are making me high her best songs. Breathe Again is my all time favorite of Toni! She who is the first lady of LaFace had been quoted saying that so long as she is releasing albums there will always be a BabyFace song! Without a doubt Secrets and Toni Braxton were the bomb cause of his influence.

Mariah Carey: Melt Away, can make you melt away! Ngai fafa! If you have that single whip it out and listen to it full volume as you crouch in a corner pensively reminiscing.( You come to me with a casual flow, and suddenly my defenses start to go, when you talk to me in that sensual tone, it envelopes me and I lose my self control, and baby I just melt away, fall like rain...) Give me a moment to recompose myself! Also I’ll never forget you- the way their voices play with each other is like heaven packaged on a CD. Harmonising, synchronising, pure vocal unison! Even their duet “Every time I close my eyes”
(Note: my all time favorite Mariah is Love takes time followed by Melt Away then… Can’t Let Go…then all the rest)

Usher: The soul shaking ballad BedTime with Shanice( craving your body all throught the night feels like am goin thru withdrawals...whenever am near you my love just comes down) And Slow Jam with Monica.

Az Yet: their whole first album was pure influence. From Saved for someone else, I don't wanna be lonely

Dru Hill: we’re not making love no more

Vanessa Williams: she has never been taken seriously as an artist. Her Sweetest days Album had some serious Babyface work and i believe is her best work to day.

Bobby Brown: Where would he be without the LaFace team; Good enough. Tender Roni…and we all remember Don’t be Cruel and Every Little Step

Johnny Gill: Let’s get the mood right-you can hear Babyface right there in the background. And definitely don’t you agree lyrics to My My My are a force to reckon with?

Faith Evans: My all time favorite song is “Never gonna let you go” reminds me of a very trying time during my first year exams.

After7: Till you do me right and I only think of you on Two Occasions that’s day and night.

Milestone: I care about you

Karen White: We all remember “early in the morning I put your breakfast on your table” “secret rendezvous” “Can I stay with you”

At the end of the day one can’t describe BABYFACE songs…learn to pick them out, listen and sing along. Take e.g All the things I should have known by KCi and Jojo and hear him in the background…damn right that’s Babyface! Ever realise he was in by Luther, you can hear him in thebackground, co-written with Jon B and Luther. Versatile enough to pen Knocked out by Paula Abdul. Have I Never by A few Good Men....all BABYFACE!

Tough Potty Time

2005-11-17T19:35:00.000+03:00

The post has been done with funny contributions from the one and only, bro#2, my main man roomie and shall be highlighted in green.It's a journal of very trying times...that I am sure you will experience within the next two months. My wish is when you go through that then, you remember me through thick and thicker, through clenched cheeks/fists/armpits and curled toes!

You know its tough potty time, when:

-it’s been such a long time you have forgotten what THE feeling of urgency is…and when it comes like after a week…you start checking for vitals thinking that the end has come...maybe it’s a fever? Flu? That backed up feeling had become the norm, you had become one with bloating... that’s when it hits you that it’s not a symptom of new disease you just need some potty time.

-your blood is pulsating faster than your respiration, which is faster than the beads of sweat popping from your brow, which are drip-dropping faster than the speed at which you are blinking for you realize you have been missing in action for 30 minutes from work/class/friends place and it was your turn to play the playstation…or lock up!

-you start swaying side to side…first slowly…then speed is increased proportionately to a certain intra-abdominal pressure…and you are almost succeeding till the over rocking causes a crack in the weak link of a certain ‘chain’ and you have to start rocking the boat all over again.

-speaking of pressure…u can never increase it by holding your hands akimbo!

-nor by trying to squeeze just below your diaphragm.

-hoisting your legs onto the seat isn’t a bad idea…what’s a bad idea is your feet competing for space with your very tired and tried cheeks.

-you realize that keeping knees together like a Girl-scout may help!

-Above Girl Scout technique coupled with:
> bending over like those airplane survival manouvres
>bending like you wanted to dive into a pool cleanly
>bending forward like you had just popped off your contact
happen to work just fine.

-you only let air out of all orifices mouth, nose, ears etc except the one relevant derriere

-the pile up of mnyambo behind manenos is like traffic jam occasioned by mat stopping in middle of road

-attempts to operate colon as an accordion yield no musical harmony??

-when it comes out hard and dry almost with a smoking pop (coke bottle style) sound effect with a whistling yet thunderous after sound indicating all is clear. Fast you have a too fast too furious launch then a careless whisper or a rude burp to ascertain all is well.

-at times its so dry u may not even need to wipe for u have been left cleaner…obviously waxed…some skin may even be missing!

-it’s so dense and heavy it flushes itself!

-or cascades a tidal reflux that even the moon’s gravitational pull would envy!

-or dents the bottom like some form of anchor launched by the titanic!

-it tries your patience. Where after a successful 1minute push an inch emerges…and since you are completely fragile and weak…exhausted and tormented… and cannot go the long 10 inches…you give up and give in and cut it off at that 1 inch…and you know it’s a terrible mistake as you make it. Cause u know with less volume means more pressure which u cannot afford so you wipe up and remain with 9 inches for another day.

-as roomie would say you remain with a SORE RED spot!

-you come out triumphant and smiling! Light on your feet like some ballerina walking on their toes with a tutu! You’re practically singing in the rain! Pulling James Brown moves “watch out now!”

-after all is said and done…nothing emerges…the spirit is willing but the body doesn’t play that whole camel going through the eye of a needle!!!...so u just stand up re-dress and people are wondering why you took so long and then you didn’t have the courtesy to flush the loo or wash your hands…if only they knew.

-You have been there for such a long time pushing…that you pee once and it’s been so long in there you eventually pee again!

-inadvertent sounds don’t include those of pushing...but those that could be termed as midway between yelping and howling like a wounded coyote caught between a rock and a hard place!

-anatomy changes after a rearrangement of tissues and veins. A complex purple web of superficial veins criss-cross the touché re-defining varicoses and haemorrhoids!

KBW SLEEZE RUMOR ROUNDUP

2005-11-05T19:28:00.000+03:00

Just in case, you are new to the KBW SLEEZE crew. They are fictional journalists that debuted in another war back then that deal primarily with cheap sleaze. Now just thought I'd stir things up a little since its been quiet of late... with nothing but cheap humor at everyone's expense!
T=Tyrone and L=Lequita

T:Welcome to the KBW Rumor News RoundUp. I am the fly guy on the microphone, rugged like an ice cream cone, the one and only Tyrone. On my right here is our Latina Chiquita, Lequita , and we’re filling in for you regular anchor with the unshaven bush-Mutush .
L:Wasssup peeps, its your Ghetto-fabulous, firm ass, street smart diva up in the studio ready to spill some 411 on all y’all! You better sit tight coz I sure as hell will represent with the low down from your town.
T:You heard the braided sister. Today, we gonna round up what’s been happening around. Why have people gone all silent? And we’re gonna release some rumors going on…cause here on Sleeze News we deal only with real sleaze, straight up, made up drama, so hide you mama, cause manure's gonna blow up like Osama was a farmer!
L:So where do we start?
T:We can start with Nick’s Blog. That dude been so quiet ever since Guess broke his heart declaring mad-ghetto love for none other than Milo. Nigga didn’t even stand a chance didn’t even get 4 votes. The fat punk, been donut dunkin and hidin in another blog trying to resuscitate his wounded achy breaky heart. No wonder he is the serial blog killer!
L:Damn right i heard once u declare war on him you soon stop bloggin like the likes of MJY and Blue.
T:That's true...MJY be saying how she is busy at work but we know better, she was annihilated..as for Blue it's obvious he had one foot in the grave the other foot on a banana peel! When Guess breaks your heart, trust me destruction is just a coping vice...
L:Oh my homicidal Porcine Prince I’d love to unbreak his heart…I would not mind a little Pork-chop..get it Poke-chop. Not to mention some rump roast…fire up that grill I’m comin home and replacing your remote control with something different.
T:I hear you girl, going in for the kill like Ms Guess’s friend aren’t we?
L:Oh, Guess she is so in demand even from the ladies in different area codes... and just like the tease she is..she strings them along bumps them with her hips and drops them solid hard. First Nick…soon Milo will be dangling with his unmentionable jnr and twins wrapped in his net-ngotha…you saw what she did to that Diva. Going on an all expense paid trip acting all clueless... and when the babe wants nothing but some good old fashioned loving. Some jungle warming, a little leaf rustling and branch breaking... some getting to know each other on a multilevel level...damn i'm breaking into a sweat already...some bump and grind some stroke and slide-she refuses to give it up! Feigning sleep and disbelief, screamin ‘never gonna get it never gonna get it.’ I heard that babe be calling her ‘Guess-whore-ass.’ Now that gal was played, am sure she didn't see it coming! Guess am with you on this, Guess, if you gonna swing that way atleast get you some sleep first. You are my role model sista-play hard to get…but I wouldn’t have paid that heifer a cent!
T:Damn, we have chicks stringin people along like Gishungwa who waited till she was serenaded by Kamaru and his live band over some kachumbari, potatoes and the hottest Mutura in town…and when her beau Thomas proposed on bended knee…she picked the last toothpick…gobbled up the remaining nyake and told him over a full mouth that she was not feeling him and she don’t play that. Evidently, according to her, Thomas had squeezed the juice out of Gishungwa and nothing was remaining but seed and fibre..the girl had to step! Poor Thomas all he has now are his studies and a loan repayment scheme for that Rock she left with!
T:Now you know Guess and Gishungwa aren’t the only kinky ones.Coming up a close second on kinky is none other than Mutumia. Word is she was previously called Mutumie! This babe is a latent hurricane waiting to happen…she will have you all wrapped up from A-Z. Right now she is spinning two men round and round like a hoolahoop on her neck and waist and trust me the two of them are giddy!
L:Oh yeah, Mr man of Substance Acolyte(Akolittle), and my favorite hip hop brada Msanii Xtra Little…and trust me I’d know!
T:Are u saying here on live TV that you and Msanii and Acolyte…
L:Damn right…both a go…T.K.O…had them begging for more runnin around like hamsters, flip-flappin like seals, howling like coyotes…too bad I gave him them the clap, that messed their faculties and hence they be in the looney bin.
T:But did u say they were little?
L:Unlike TeeJ and her last minute pads- size don’t matter to me…sure it was like a straw in a swimming pool…but my motto is don’t ridicule a fool with a wee tool...just get to biznaz as long as they can work my...
T:You are lying..no way they’d bump uglies with you…
L:Then who u think was upstairs at Mshairi’s apartment interrupting her poetic juices? Am telling you we rearranged and reupholstered furniture…Acolyte is a screamer and Msanii a squeler…damn I gotta give them a call...cause they were chariots on fire and i was Ben Hur riding them for 8seconds like a rodeo bull!
T:I thought THAT it was Mr and Mrs Mutumia? Getting their differences straightened out if you know what I mean?
L:Nuh uh! You know we be making love breaking stuff that ghetto love!
T:Please u been around the block the block and then back-don’t they have the street named after you? Heck, you don’t even have to pay parking fees in that area code!
L:That’s right.Yeah, what I'm I supposed to do when I'm all alone and my child is crying on the bedroom floor cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep around for a little bit of money cause he's daddy's gone... Don’t get played get laid!
T:Who's your baby daddy?
L:Ask Akiey...
T:Ok, what other fiction u talking about?
L:All I’m saying…that man better come and raise his child. I"m a sue his pictoral ass for child support...
T:Didn’t he pull a Billie Jean on your broke ass and said u ain’t never been his lover and that child ain’t his son!
L:Says him...tell him to bring his DNA up here and I’ll prove it to you…cause he's been creepin with that other gal on the side.
T:K.I.D.A.D.A? Irena?
L:Oh, the are long history-he doesn’t hung around long enough…leaves your head spinning and before u realize u wake up knocked up and deflowered.
T:But Irena and Kidada don’t have kids? And I know they are off sound morals and principals! They are just friends from around the way.
L:What’s ur point? Uh huh what your point be?
T:Am just sayin you lying..him and kidada are just friends that’s all.
L:That’s what he wants us to believe, at that time he was two timing Irena…remember he broke her heart she even stopped blogging trying to recouperate! And she went soul searching for some inner peace cause Lord God she loved her some Akiey…and now she is all healed, she is CiruBackInBusiness..not looking back-you go girl!!!!
T:I think you are nuts! And hol’ up, he isn’t creepin, he is too busy working on projects, goin for a job thingamajig carrying his appropriate tools.
L:Appropriate ‘tool’ more like it. Trust me he has pulled that dressing up like Richard Gere routine before pickin up his Pretty Woman way too many times. And now it looks like Afromusing soon to be Afrogiggling…soon to be Ms Afronotamused is about to get picked up on the solar side walk for more than some recharging. Trust me one stroke of Akiey and you will need to go on Hiatus.
T:Let’s get this straight. Who have u not been involved wit on KBW?
L:Let’s see. There was that arrogant S.O.B biomaterials expert that designed my silicon boobies and had the freaking audacity to leave his signature on my right boobie ‘S!’ The freakin nerve how I’m I to explain that ‘S!’ Do I say its short for Sista? Sugar? Silicone?... but thankfully I didn’t pay a cent not even one...but boy I ain’t never contorted my body like that...no wonder he broke a tooth. Lequitta girl was not amused so I dropped his sorry ass! His the first bruda I ever dumped!
T:How bout Mental?
L:Hell freakin NO…that guy can drop it like its hot better than I can. Damn did u see him on that clip…he was dippin it low…rolling it all around…POP POP POP that thing! And u know that must have been JAM cause JELLY don’t shake like that!!!!!
T:But I thought Mental and Ms K be having a lil som sometin…
L:Get OUT!…is that why she is all broody and moody?
T:Yup claiming liberation and free spirit and preparedness…she is a shaken shaven cocoa doin some acrobatics of the arithmetic kind!
L:SHUT UP! What you mean arithmetic?
T:Am talking bout 5,6,7,8... baby girl is 1?2?3 weeks late!
L:Damn Damn Damn…U mean she and Mental? I need to call that girl up! I need some low down...is that why she was adding weight...go figure?
T:What about Sandman and Nakeel having secret rendezvous by the kids playground? You know him and his pedophile tendancies..he keeps insisting they go to playgrounds and schools and swimming pools…And she is so clueless! He be buying her ice cream and flowers..heck did u see her last post with her picture? You can tell she is smitten by this Sandman and his cataract eyes. Posing ever so sweetly and naïve with bouganvillae in her hair…having stolen mama's make-up...as she recites the 'Lonely Girl' poem he wrote for her...with a distant look in her eyes...an upbeat heart palpitation
L:No no no, Sandman is the dude that left Farmgal hanging the other night. She had candles all over the place, with some Luthor Vandross on CD. The place looked like an exorcism scene, and Sandman took to the hills like a little biAtch!
T:Word? You mean Sandman and Farmgal?
L:Straight trippin dawg. I hear she forked out her own money to put him up and build him his own store! Gave him all she had...and he be playing with a lil Nakeel on the side!
T:You mean he's a kept cheating man?
L:That’s what I heard. I heard this over the little party we had at Wangari’s house…you remember she moved house right..I'm telling you the ladies were gossiping harder than Kinyi takes down her liquor! Harder than Spicebear's addiction to the secret NYAS cult pro-Hitler organisation!
T:You of all people got invited? Who else was there?
L:Of course I gate-crushed…it was a high society tea party..and they served biscuits and…
T:Let me guess you were the Tart/Crumpet?
L:Nigga you’re gonna take that back…anyhu…Uaridi and Prousette were there. But it was too comfy for my liking. They were all too lady like! Prousette was there knittin her baby a matchin sweater, mittens and booties…. Mshairi was there with a red lollipop and seemed lost in translation…apparently she is not the same anymore. She kept whining how she felt like there is something missing…something that she couldn’t put down on paper?
T:Is it Blue? Cause I hear the two not together anymore?
L:Maybe...him...but I'm telling you she was giving as bad vibe worse than Wangari’s Color Scheme.Even Uaridi’s numerous roses couldn’t help…or were the roses the problem? She needs to ease up on them roses!
T:Oh! You had to go there. Wangari can’t decorate to save her life?
L:All I’m saying Cilia better come up and pray for her! Nurse her back to visual health! Damn even her imaginary friend Baloncraz can help in them prayers...we need to get the colorblind spirits EXORCISED!!!
T:Imaginary friends?
L:Cammon you mean you never notice how "some" people have numerous so called untraceable commentors...so I'm sure the likes of Baloncraz and Daud El Raud and many, many, many others are as real as my nails! And that's my political statement!
T:With all the nasty things you darn said you had better run after this airs.
L:Oh,I will run but with a little grace and finesse unlike our dear undeodorised Shiroh who was panting all over the highway…runnin helter skelter throwing Keringet water all on herself… she was all over the place like Medusa’s bad hair do!
T:Do u ever say anything kind? Do u ever sleep at night? You do know Medusa is gonna bitch-slap you into last night! Damn she will put her foot so far up your ass you will have toes for teeth!!!
L: … but you know I don’t sweat it..because it’s so pathetic...to let it…keep me involved in that He-Said she said crowd
T:Enough with the Salt and Pepa..who else we left out?
L:You tell me! Are you still trying to get it on with Kipepeo..last I remember you were chillin with the finns, rolling outta your jeans willing for some sins?
T:Damn, girl I visited her the other day and she was all trippin-but you know that’s the way love works out sometimes. I mean one minute I'm trippin next she’s trippin and we both be trippin…
L:So what happened?
T:I think she has contracted something nasty on her…something viral.
L:BIRDerfly FLU?
T:I wish..first day she was all pretty! Second day she was looking all nasty. Third day she was just PRETTY NASTY! So i told her when she recovers and feels well...she can call...someone else!!!
L:No, nasty is my Kymmbr calling it quits and leaving me high and dry! That player wanted none of my vibe..and now he has upped and left leaving me with the likes of you.
T:Speaking of which Sunflower too is leaving after her post got her in trouble. Remember how she got her groove back in Jamaican. When her petals were plucked one by one...yeah she made me feel like a eunuch! Hot Damn that girl played with my emotions!
L:But didn't you get yours with Stunnuh..as i recalled she was left with pure, unadulterated bliss.
T:I don't kiss and tell but that tigress left me wanting...she is a carnivore-devours whole.
L:I'm sure she does..but not like I do...anyway i guess that rounds up this episode of SLEEZE NEWS. Make sure you join us soon...for we will always try to be here embellishing like we should!
T:Yeah, its been great keep it locked and stocked..over and out! Peace!

Antipathy towards Sports.

2005-10-19T14:10:00.000+03:00

First and foremost thank you all for wishing me a happy blogversary wishes. Hope you enjoyed the party and the food with lots of soft drinks. Thank you for the gifts and the cards and for turning up.

Some of you made requests which we shall get down to.

Milo had requested a post on irritations in the movie theatre and TeeJay requested a post about the new JAMES BOND:both have been covered-at Couch ‘tato Blog (It is hard work trying to promote 2 blogs I’m telling you)
Msanii-who was taking sometime out to decompress made it back in time and asked for a post on my antipathy to sports.
Akiey the picture-guy and Afromusing were musing over the thought of me posting a pic of myself.
Kipepeo batted her lashes and fluttered her wings asked for a re-edited earlier post…
Haidhuru challenged me to post assuming I was posting anonymously…hmm that’s a good one ebu u guys invite me to post on your blogs as yourselves incognito.

So let’s work on Msanii’s first as I get a suitable pic to post very soon of none other than me!

Antipathy towards sports.

Oxford defines antipathy as deep seated aversion or dislike and it defines sport as a game or competitive activity especially an outdoor one involving physical exertion.

In my defense, in my younger, less self-conscious days, I loved taking part in sports. I was all pro-sports. I was drawn to it like kids were to my Break container!
But it turned out you needed more than a good spirit to be accepted by your peers/p.e teachers. I was fat and proud. I’d like to send a big shout out to all my peeps at ‘ENORMOUS ANONYMOUS.’ I was not fat in a bad way-not that kind of obesity but I wasn’t the fastest/quickest or lightest for that matter. But just as heavy as I was, I was heavy in team spirit and determination. I never gave up. I was jolly, saw the humor in many a scenario…and I kept on going. I was the fat little engine that could... Wouldn’t forget to carry my P.E costume- Go RED HOUSE!!!! and my Power Shoes. I was always all set to go…the mind, body and soul were willing-but nature was against me!

Where do we begin?

Teams:When it came to picking teams…and we’d start with two captains…for some reason I would end up getting picked last. Did I mention that the adidas that we were playing with was mine?! At that time, thank God, I had no self esteem and I’d always keep coming back for more insults. So guys would play the ball, I’d get chengwad, no one would pass the ball to me…but at least they had a good time! Even when i was told to seat by the sidelines...and enjoy the game-i was all for it! Same time the following day i'd carry the football and...

Cops and Robbers:In time, I realized my participation in sports was also a source of amusement for others. I had mentioned earlier how when playing Cops and robbers: the girls would always come to catch the easiest target-practically come giggling and skipping -totally effortless...and then guys would show off their flighty skills as they accomplished daring maneuvers while rescuing the solo prisoner in jail. I think everyone was ok with that arrangement. The whole game was basically “Let’s go catch ‘Nyama’” and “Let’s go save ‘Nyama’”
And I’d get saved and run off helter skelter hoping to one day save my victor…and off I'd go running terribly fast with the determination of a freed slave..tasting freedom with new found hopes and dreams... only to be caught 7steps later.

Shake. Middle Line was a no-no for me…and damn it was the best line. I was always let to hold the last line. Of course when we lost somehow it happened to be my fault. Oh and when it was our turn to play- I’d get the privilege of shaking the hand and would receive stern instructions not to enter. So I’d chill there...then decide what the hell… Only to hear “3 in a box you’re out” Yup, my bad!

3sticks. Being the considerate people my friends were, they would use me as the yardstick for measurement. So I’d jump and set the limits for the game…and they’d start from there. The dumb thing was having set those boundaries myself; for sure you know I couldn’t jump further than that! But they were gracious to allow me to jump 2-3more steps while the rest jumped just the twice.

I’m telling you I learnt the art of being accommodated into every game. From being given head starts. Excuses being made for me…

Football: I was defender of choice. One cause I’d kick the ball as far as I could when it got to me. And it didn’t involve much risk. I’d just stay there with the goalkeeper and just pass time. Heck he’d reassure me not to worry. However when the goal was scored: either I had distracted the goalie or didn’t defend!

Train-Train: Where you have like 15 or so boys in train formation. You would wrap you sweater round the boy in front of you and hold the sweater by the sleeves. And the head of the train would then run in different directions and the goal was to keep up and not let go off the sweater. So every corner he turned at whatever speed you had to be there. Is that enough orientation now back to my problems….I could never be the head because I was too slow. I could never be in the middle because again I was too slow and would eventually break the train. So, I’d end up in the end and when a sharp corner was hit…off I’d go at a tangent to land disgracefully and dishevelled in a heap at a nearby bench…and upon recovery I’d see my train off in the distance and no one would even glance back to see if 'Nyama' had broken something..perhaps a wrist? leg? the bench?

Bench to Bench: Now in the eating playground we had numerous benches. How this game was played, was that the leader(again not me) would jump with the least number of steps from bench to bench and the rest would have to make the same number of steps or less. So the boys would get their Carl Lewis sprintin,(what was that arrogant guy's name from Trinidad and Tobago-Oto Baldwin??? that swaggered around in tight speedos????) antelope hopping fevers on as I followed around holding their sweaters.
I had given it a try once…was doing mighty fine till I slipped and had a bench connect with my shin…AINT NO PAIN like a shin-bench kiss!!!!

Swimming. Ok,at least this was something which I was as good as the others. Comparing many didn’t learn to swim at an early age. Probably from over-reliance on floaters…I didn’t have that luxury since I couldn’t fit into any floater. An attendant at Ebrahim’s had suggested I use a tyre-tube. The freaking nerve! Either that or those semi circular floaters that had dinosaurs or duck heads…so this tub of lard learnt how to swim the hard way-by himself.
Despite belly flops! Struggling to get out of the pool! Swallowed Bermuda Trunks! Revealed butt cracks! I actually held my own in swimming. In fact I was one of the first daring kids to jump off the highest spring board. The swimming instructor had warned us to keep our legs together lest we burst our balls. (in her exact words!) And off I jumped, with pals cheering from below. It was the longest 5-6seconds of my life.

P.E. If it was a running competition I’d always lose. If it was hitting laps…jog…jog…jog…pant…jog…pant…pant…pant-ok where do I sit down? If it was a relay, the team was gonna lose! If guys were asked to do 20 press-ups I'd be asked to do 10. If people were busy playing i was busy getting send to get another teacher or something non-sportish.

Changing rooms. After double P.E or triple swimming we’d come together and change back. We all shared in the art of hiding prized privates. Initially from Std 1-3 we’d change stark exposed, dangling free, and whistling tunes.
Come Std 4-onwards. Techniques were developed. Especially post swimming.
It would get so nasty that wiping was not an option and you’d even just wear the swimming costume as your underwear and leave wet-butt prints on your shorts. Boy there is no greater agony than hoping you get dry quick as with each step, was a moist, frictionless slip and slide that was eerie and uncomfy.

Surprisingly, there was a fine line between hiding cause you are shy/ its inappropriate to display nudity or cause you were embarrassed and really had something to hide!!!. So if you were to change wearing a long shirt in front of the whole class- that was being shy or being uncomfortable...but if you were to wrap yourself round with a towel and enter a room to change- you were embarrassed and hiding something. Yup, if you hadnt sprouted pubics as others were pluckin as C.S.I evidence-grab that towel! Ha, even those who had had the cut would have towel moments in primary then in secondary roles were reversed...ha memories.

So no guesses as to where porky would change? You got it-outside the changing room, behind the structures by the trees. You'd see a huge shadow with shaking leaves..then i'd emerge!

As a result of all the humiliation and joking…what else was I to do but start avoiding the whole sport scenario in total…slowly by slowly I started having notes. Once the swimming teacher was teaching us diving techniques-and damn it I was getting pretty good too. Until I heard, “Hey Fatso! Where are you going?” That’s the last time I attended swimming lesson back in 1993-and to think I had even signed up for lifesaving course for P.A scheme. I actually have never!!!!

So ultimately, I did less and less of sports…did all other extracurricular activities except sports. And as the story ends, Msanii, that is how I reached that zone of certain dislike…aversion towards sports.

But I will say I play a really good Table Tennis game…and come time for Nyabs/Bano…I was a crack shot…or did I mean I’d’ crack my shorts bending. The spirit is still willing…but I know better!

It's been a YEAR!

2005-10-09T19:05:00.000+03:00

Wow wowie. Its feels like just yesterday when i struggled up to start a blog. I had no idea the impact it would have on my geeky asocial life...but look at it now! Or, rather look at me now. What started out as a thing I did during my free time from a cyber cafe has evolved into an addiction and a part of my life. Blogging as we all know is not just about yourself, its an interactive process with other bloggers out there...and this has been an experience worth the while. Nothing beats the whole bloggin phenomenal. (toasting a fanta glass!)

I keep repeating, that it's a secret life out there, that many are not privy to. Many don't know its existence or our participation in it. Very sad. Cause in a job interview, and someone asked "what are one of your accomplishments in the past year?" "Blogging!!!" should be an answer.

So, in celebrating this milestone...I'd like to thank each and everyone of YOU that have become part of this blogging life with me. For the comments, the emails, sms's and calls...through the cheap humor and definitely the Blogwars! The annoying tags! The jokes at my expense. The babes and dudes and the adopted families.

I have no idea what am supposed to do at a 1yr anniversary...maybe like in the movies I should re-release some of my favorite posts:director's cut version un-edited? Re-edited in THX?

If you all have ideas let me know? If you have ideas for posts that you would like written-let me know. And NO, I'm not asking you to ask personal questions like "when did u stop wetting the bed?" I'm asking for post suggestions. If you would like a previous old posts re-edited with more spice, shout out!

So once again its been a BLAST being a member of KBW and meeting all of you.

HAPPYBIRTHDAY-year old blog of mine!

And i'd like to introduce you to my second new blog nichgich.blogspot.com solely dedicated to my movie/tv addiction.

The Meeting with BLUE

2005-10-05T11:16:00.000+03:00

We all have different expectations when meeting someone for the first time. I’d spoken to Blue before and from his voice he sounded like those go-getters in life…very outspoken with a hint of Private School accent on top of a previous village dialect. He’s eloquent and charming on the phone…the kind of insurance salesman you’d listen to for just a few seconds more before you hung up the phone.

So the meeting happened…7pm at a pre-arranged meeting point. Mshairi had kept on sms’ing to find out if we had met and if we did how it was going…Down! Down now Aunty!

When battling with blue I’ve tried to portray him as a previously stocky, pot-bellied man, perhaps with evidence of periodontal disease… who over the many, many, many, many years has aged into a limping structure due to age induced arthritis. White-haired. Crouching over aided by a walker with non-steady, frail and ashy-white arms. Withering body frame, toothless, urinary incontinent-thank God for urinary catheters and urine bags. Mentally incompetent-borderline senile!

But ladies and gentle men of the blog jury…this is the true story you have been waiting for.

I arrived at the agreed meeting point... I called him and he told me that he was just standing outside the front entrance, so the dreaded moment had arrived.

I saw a man standing looking at me as I approached him. There he was the grand puh-bah! Can you say a towering inferno? A rock of Gibraltar! With a rugged, outlined jaw line, dimpled chin…he gives Michael Douglas a run for his money. Pearly white teeth (his own nothing, to do with receipts but from the in-house dentist he has employed) with a generous broad grin. A brother has aged gracefully and the pin-striped 3piece suit didn’t hurt either as his built filled it out remarkably well. It looked like he had that protection metal frame that American Footballers wear…he was built like an Ox! He looked like a model for a futuristic Nursing Home…with his relaxed curly black hair, manicured fingernails…I was surprised he hadn’t been knighted yet! I couldn’t tell if he was well-buttocked as Milo had asked, but so far no double chin, no eye bags, and no wrinkle lines! And as I got nearer I could tell he was thoroughly deodorized and nose hairs trimmed! His poise was as dignified as his demeanor! A distinguished Gentleman.

He said "Er, Hello there?” with a firm handshake with a resonating, vibrating voice that oozed confidence and elegance!
I said “Hi nice to finally meet you!”
He said “Hi…er…Who are you?”

It was at that moment that I heard a village-idiot like “Psssssssssssssst! Over here Nick! Kijana niko hapa!!!!”

Damn! HE was not the real BLUE! I turned around to see a jolly short fellow smiling ear to ear…it hit me…this here was the real BLUE POET! Could the real NEED COMPASS please stand up….ouch…he IS standing up!

First impression: was that this almost cartoon like character was totally friendly and harmless. Very smooth very round faced, with pencil-like drawn side burns with a smile that could light up a room. As Mshairi would inquire he does smile with his eyes. His shiny balding head reflected the hotel’s name inverted! He has a huge gap in between the front teeth with a little gum protrusion that he kept licking with his thin tongue. He was making me laugh already. He was all sporty wearing a greytracksuit with little circular patches of sweat under each arm… a grey sweat band on his wrists and forehead. And a whistle dangling from his neck? Was he out of a coaching practice? Was he jogging? Did he think we were having a costume meet-up party? ...Well...apparently after work he changes into casual wear to feel fresh younger and rejuvenated. Trust me he had Nike shoes that I envied instantly. He was a ka-manyanga papa! Did not look a day over 53!

It was obvious I had been picking a fight with the wrong person. I liked him instantly and as we picked a table it looked weird following a little version of David Mwenje…except shorter with manners. He obviously had no neck and his arms looked like they emanated from his ears. But he had a very cute spring to his walk…almost like a pudgy ballerina very light on his feet...very confident and such a free spirit.

The waitress came and already he had started teasing her and he almost spanked her bottom when she got our orders wrong making her flinch in a giggling spree. I asked for a Fanta…yes I have the Bamboocha life membership. He asked for Ginger Ale. Even she was stupefied at that request, “Ati Jinja Aero?” Now, at first I was surprised he wasn’t drinking anything heavy till he started fidgeting with his pockets and ended up revealing some sachet with some funky concoction that he spilled into the Ginger Ale. He winked at me and started sipping it through his gap!

He smoked like a beat down jalopy. Another waiter brought him a whole packet of Rooster, neither oblivious of the dangers of unfiltered ciggy’s, nor the dangers of second hand smoking! As he puffed away different shapes and sizes, it was obvious that satchet had some potent brew! He started stroking and caressing his tummy under his tracksuit gear. He may have even cleaned up some stuff from his belly button…cause there was some digging and definitely probning action going on down in there and ultimate flicking action throwing of some gunk into the air.

We discussed loads of things: our careers, families, hobbies and dislikes. Goals and interests. He is totally worth the company. Light me a fire, get me a comfy carpeted floor and am all ears. He is the kind, if you were at Shags you’d listen to his stories all night long. He mentioned his philandering ways when he was my age back in the day of no disease as he so called it. He said he was a babe-magnet…and beneath that short-stop I could see laid the heart of a true Kuke-Kamba Stallion. Remember when Lequita in a previous post had said “His succulent pot belly.... prominent forehead.... untrimmed nose-hairs...arrogant demeanor adds a little air of rugged masculinity, I must add! Trust me if I was a wild pig I’d bare him healthy piglets with pride!!!!” I could see what she meant.

He reminisced on many a Mugumo tree moments and plucking of ripe berries in the coffee farm. He was full of picturesque farming metaphors. From planting maize seeds into non-planted depths of soils, to harvesting forbidden fruits that blossomed monthly…weeding gardens that belonged to the neighbours in the river in between…milking cows in the middle of the night so that the heifer could sleep with ease…climbing and conquering unchartered hilltops...riding the proverbial bicycle for a short distance with no brakes to deliver bursting news...irrigating dry lands with ingeniuos canal system…reinstalling pipes as the designated plumber with wrench that could unlock the tightest of pipes...he was your perverted humorist.

Talked about almost being drafted to fight in World War 2. His first VW beetle. His two separations form his ex-wives as a result of infidelity on their part. His first pay cheque. His current business that he started from scratch and has never looked back. Revealed to me his dreams to publish his writings especially his poems. His desire to get re-married and to give his 5 children legitimacy - his major regret in life. The bloggers who have hit on him due to a misconceived notion of his sexual prowess and wealth.

He was your average type bloke. Down to earth. Totally unrefined. A happy-go-lucky persona. This guy has never known the meaning of depression. He's smiling and laughing keeps him young.

He’d tease the waitress like they grew up together or had some sort of explicit history because every time he spoke she seemed to be under his spell. “Wewe ka-mzee!” She’d melt away and mock-slap him on the shoulder and giggle off again to bring another bottle of Ale! Then he’d look at me with a suggestive look translating “See, Nick I still got it. Am a Mack-Daddy in the latest Nike.”

He told her I was his son and that he would buy her for me. We both blushed…then she started looking at me in a whole new light! She asked me what I do. To which he quickly added “Usijali...mimi niko na pesa…you too just get married I will take care of you!” She looked disappointed to having to settle for the ‘Son’ when she clearly wanted the ‘Papa’

Even the other waiter, he joked with him, insisting that he needed to know who made his trousers cause apparently they were the right kind of black he’d been looking for in the right kind of seam. He pursued that topic to the point he wanted to buy them off of him. To which the waiter tried to shrug him off …till he was grabbed and pulled close to his face. Circled his tiny arms round his waist trying to get his exact waist measurement using index and thumb. “ Ebu, Ngoja wewe…this is really, really nice!” I don’t know who was more shocked: the flinching and totally uncomfortable waiter? Me? The other clients in the restaurant? The waitress for not having such a privilege? Or Blue when he discovered that the waiter was two fingers too small! To which he dismissed him and tapped him on the behind, “Basi leta pakiti ingine ya Rooster!” Trust me the violated tapped waiter did not return!

All in all I had a really great time. Totally glad that I met this life-force, full of more youth and vitality than my younger self. He is a jolly kinda guy. Totally real, down to earth. Honestly I should meet him soon especially for that sumptuous Koroga and more of his stories.
So he unleashed a fat wallet with a fat wad of notes. Paid for the bill. Gave the waiter and waitress a generous tip that had them bowing down at this pleasant fellow. He even had the audacity to ask me if I wanted lunch money for the following day!

Met Blue Poet

2005-09-29T06:48:00.000+03:00

Hmmh the day was going on just well. Woke up late after taking a sleeping pill…two movies in the morning in my favorite spiderman pyjamas… Late in the afternoon I logged onto messenger and started chatting with Mshairi and Blue…Then all of a sudden the Poet has this urge to meet me…like it was some last dying wish before they remove the oxygen tubes! We’re chatting away freely with Mshairi…and it hits him “Am meeting you today, Nick!” No amount of changing the topic…or laughing it off was gonna offset his notion…he had decided he was meeting the son he never had! He is not easily dissuaded-he was up there in his tutu on the balance beam and nothing was going to make him lose balance! I was under pressure/coerced/damn well near bullied!!!! Tried diverting my cell to my answering machine…nada! Tried diverting my phone to his line…nada! Heck said on Wednesdays I’m a transvestite in a tight nighty…nada! Fate had been sealed, BLUE was DESTINED to meet NICK

So I gave up…gave in...not to mention Mshairi was there fanning flames by the sidelines asking why on earth I won’t meet her hubby to be. To paraphrase “Nephew you best behave and meet here your Uncle…you’re not too old to put on my knee for a hard spanking! I’m a spank you into a man, you lil coward! You hear boy!!! Now hush and meet the man! And while you’re at it get him some denture cleanser!!! Now hustle child!”

I begged and pleaded with her, “But I don’ wanna!!!” almost throwing a tantrum but Aunty wasn’t having none of that-so this child hustled and for the rest of the story of MEETING WITH BLUE…check tomorrow’s post!!!!

List of 5

2005-09-14T11:44:00.000+03:00

Boy Oh Boy don't we hate them tags. I've tried avoiding them by being in an infinite state of 'pax' but that trick aint working! Now, I've gotten tagged by none other than Stunuh Jay. She is a dear friend of mine...whom I've known since way back when she was just Jay.So I will indulge in, hopefully, my last tag-there should be some law out there about tags!!!!!!! Howver i've done the tag with my own ka-twist!

5worst Movies:
>Drop Dead Gorgeous
>Virtuosity
>Joshua Tree
>MonkeyBone
>Burn Hollywood Burn

5progs i'd watch all over again
>Beverly Hills90210
>Knots Landing and Dallas
>Fresh Prince Of Bell Air
>Lois and Clark:The new adventures of Superman
>Sisters

5tears from Movie Scenes:
>The Champ:when his papa got killed in the boxing game...torrents I'm tellin u...wailing harder than Travolta in that Oprah Ladder49 special
>A scene from a Naional Geographic when some poachers were chasing a herd of elephants and shot one mama-elephant. The herd kept on running and lil baby elephant looked behind and so her mama had fallen. She went back and started nudging her with her small trunk to get up. Woiye and the poor thing went behind her mama and stated to push her up with so much urgency...she tried pushing from different angles...but mama was never gonna wake up again. So she tried and tried and decided to just sit next to her....(who are we kidding try 5more tears!!!!)
>After the Promise. As Mark Hammon was trying to make do...his kids were all taken by the social service and ended up mentally retarded...
>Em hallmark movies e.g For the Love of Aaron. They should come with Viewer Discretion Advisement..'...the following movie could make a sissy out of you-be warned!!!!'
>arent those enough examples for a guy!

5killer couch potato food combinations:
-Hot sausages and Milk
-Cold Nyam Chom. I'm talking about meat that has atleast spend a night in the fridge and eating it cold like that. The fat is usually even sweeter. Bones easier to strip...Couple that with Pick N Peel Apple Juice or Del Monte Mango Juice and you have it made!!!!! Boy oh Boy!!!
-Take a bowl and mix Chevra/crisps/popcorn/njugu's/all kinda snack u can ...then add a couch and remote control...Am not a chocolate kinda person: but big screen theatre has never been right without macademia nuts..or toblerone! kit kat...
-Chilli and everything that goes with. Try it with popcorn, crisps and hotdogs!
-all out buffet! You've been spending entire morning watchin movies and realise ...you're getting hungry so you collect pieces of breakfast and lunch and left over dinner...

4songs for the moment:
>Let me hold you: Bow Wow(formerly lil) and Omarion
>Please:Toni Braxton. Listen to them violins and watch the video
>Don't Cha:Pussy Cats something group...its has a funky beat. "dont u wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...don't cha..."
>Drama, Love and Lationships:Babyface

5things i'd be caught dead in:
>BowTie
>suspenders
>them pointy mocassin like shoes which are also called D.C's or D.O'S shoes
>muscle tops ( i forget the correct term) and speedos
>sports uniform playing an actual sport

5amusing school moments:
>remember crashing a packet of chips into smaller pieces so that there was more to share?
>remember fierce material rivalry and ridicule?
-LOL @u if u had a youth pen!
-LOL @u if ur mama believed knitted sweaters were better than store bought!
-LOL @u if ur juice bottle didn't cool juice till the afternoon or eraser erase pen marks or u had diamond pencils and coloring pencils or didn't have a bensia pencil...
-LOL @u if ur shorts were patched up in the ass and you're bata prefects had been re-soled!
-LOL @u if ur sporting bata bullets instead of high tops on closing day!

>remember building Fort Knox with 5Atlases while doing an exam so that no one could copy from you?
>remember snapping your fingers screaming "teacher me, teacher me, teacher me..." what was the big deal anyway? You'd still get it wrong and remain standing the whole lesson long!
>remember there used to be a survey for some kind of public health and we'd be asked to bring in a stool sample! There was this girl who brought a stool sample that was GREEN in COLOR!!!! Woe unto you fair- traumatised-parasite infested-clueless girl!!!!!

5amusing things in University:
>In first year out of like 40 assignments and practicals i dubbed 38! Nothing to be proud off but hey...survival was survival!
>Dubbing had been perfected to a tee! One would collect other's assignments...photocopy them...return originals to owners and then compile a master piece. Which at the end, the lecturer would even think others copied from you and not the other way around!
>There was this chick called Moraa. We didn't even know who she was but we had all photocopied her notes. She attended all classes, had a very beautiful handwriting....so if she got one equation wrong or spelling wrong we all went down with her!
>Skiving was survival. You'd skive classes to go have fun! You'd skive classes to read for tests and exams. You'd skive to catch up on skived classes...heck once we skived to go play scrabble...
>that we actually passed!

4unfinished blogger business:
-collabo with Milo and Kymmbr
-Return of Lequita and Akiey relationship drama
-Beginning of BigBlogger
-Unfinished war with the BluePoet and a certain Wedding coming up to Mshairi. Now my question is isnce Blue is obsessed with blue and Mshairi obsessed with purple...Will their kid be Indigo?

Anticlimaxes!!

2005-09-02T09:34:00.000+03:00

You know those things that you thought were gonna be all that but reality happens and you realize-it’s no BIGGIE!

After KCPE:12/11/92
Promises had been made that we’d get buck-wild. Classmates had sworn to burn their books and uniform. Scream their cracking voices out loud. So what happens after we hand over our ARTS&CRAFT papers….NOTHING! Just went home like it was some ordinary day carrying our Leaver’s Certificate. I remember some chick quipping, “what do you mean by conduct-satisfactory! Academics-satisfactory!”
No biggie. I borrowed Terminator 2 and Horror movies and my holidays begun. It was the time I discovered that horrors could be an easy way of watching soft porn too! Though after Exorcist I took a break!

And the holidays???? Did we get extra crazy-NO! A time of songs like baby baby baby by TLC (remember the debate of who was hotter amongst the 3 of them), Heal the world by MJ, Humping Around-Bobby Brown, She’s playing hard to get-Hi-five. Nothing was new, all uneventful. Well…until…

The big cut: 29Nov’92
A few grammes lighter. No idea what the big deal was…couldn’t feel the apparent significant social/traditional transition. It wasn’t as painful (thank God for anaesthesia!) or as embarrassing as I thought it would be (yeah right-pure unadulterated violation!)
Points to remember:
-Gallivanting around the house in a ‘don’t touch a/the thing’ leso. It was a hung free week! With the weight of an anvil (you’d be surprised how much bandage can be applied!), one was careful not to elicit an oscillating movement afraid to induce an infinite pendulum motion!
-Peeing was almost an adventure. Cue the ‘chariots of fire’ music. Pick the piece delicately by the already stained bandage strand. Summon all muscles in surrounding environment to coordinate. Will yourself to pee! Wait…wait…radiating warmth…radiating pain…radiating warmth and pain. Wait…wait…finally a stream…then the stream forks-so it’s two or three streams…and if you’re are lucky they are streams in one direction! Funny smell-or is it the abstinence from the shower? Sighs of relief as the vessel isn’t leaking sideways! Drip…drip…drip…replace the piece delicately….remember thou shall treat it like some fragile priceless china!
-My cousin who had the cut same time as I did calling to ask if I was oozing pus??? LORD GOD!!!
-Going back for a suture and bandage removal a week later-and seeing new lil Nicky!
I was quite disappointed:
1. I had lost a mole! (Honestly I am still bitter on that!)
2. (Totally blonde) Was it like new? Or the same old version in less clothing? Would you like tan already?

Joining Uni: Sept98. No idea what the big deal was. What happened to freedom? A chance for intellectual growth? Discovering self? Classes were 8am-5pm every freaking day of each year…difference between that and high school was the uniform! Still had to suck up! Still had to cram stuff instead of inhaling and understanding. Survival was the game. I usually pass by main campus envying and wishing that I had been part of such an institution of higher academic learning. Those buildings are so inspiring…then it hits me been there done that. I graduated dumber and more ignorant than I was before.

Driving: 31/08/98 passed my driving test. I’d been itching to get my licence-Big whoopee! As much as it is fun driving(wind in your hair driving into the sunset with loud rock music)-try getting driven around. Screw balancing-and yes I’ve had of automatics-but frankly my left leg feels kind of left out??? Screw fighting with matatus for an inch of space! Screw traffic jams! Screw looking for safe parking. Or paying parking fees. Or the parking boys that you’ve formed a rapport with so that you find your ramshackle in one rusty piece after the movies! It gets worse when you’re the one fueling!

Getting a job: Nov’03 Boy aren’t things different when it’s YOUR money! In our case we waited 3 months before the salary first came so when it came we had plans…cash was spent only to realize you have cleared 3 months salary in 2weeks. Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
So you get yourself a bank account with aims of saving and to eventually watch your millions grow!...growing …growing…still growing…one year after, if your lucky your balance is still the same-BUT growing…Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
With money comes needs/responsibilities/obligations which lead to expenses which lead to priorities which lead to economizing and accounting which leads to sacrificing which leads to hatred …it’s all downhill!!!

Honey: mid 86. For somemisconstrued reason i thought honey was like the most delicious thing. I had never tasted it before-WAIT! Am talkin about honey the product from bees not that other honey! Which summarised would be CLIMAX=ANTICLIMAX or the other way around!!!Talk about a peak that wasn't a curve but a straight line wit a gradient of almost 1. Anyway back to the topic at hand..yeah poor kid hadn't tasted it only just seen it in jars. It had never occured to me that the reference of it being sweet was sweet as in sugary. Not delicious! Not finger licking good! So there I am opening the jar anticiapting a taste equivalent to:
-Wimpy's coleslaw
-Nyama Choma from Dagoretti Corner
-Kenchic chicken or New Stanley Chicken in the basket
-Mandy's Pan Fried Steak
-Strikes Breakfast special

But to my utter taste disappointment the freaking thing was just sweet! Talk about false advertisement!!! Heartbreak!

First encounter with ‘death’: Oct2000. Thought I was dying. Yeah it is kind of an anticlimax when you are so certain you are dying only to realize you were but a fool!

Had been losing weight that year. Looking anorexic is not synonymous with Nick. I used to be a turgid bundle of health! Well not this year. Belt size was less. Trousers sagging-it was like exfoliation and I was watching it happen!

In April I had a pure bout of dysentery! Forget common food poisoning with cramps, fever and the runs-ladies and gentlemen in dysentery you pass blood as stool. Not bloody stool-nope! Not traces of blood-nope! Not popping a vein from constipation-NOPE! Fresh frank blood-voluminous liquid, torrents, waterfalls, maji maji, I’m talking about peeing twice at the same time!!!!!
Surprise gender-prank periods-If ONLY!
Had I eaten some salad somewhere-NO!
Unboiled water-NO!
Contamination from microbiology lab-OF COURSE NOT!
Has this ever happened before-NO!

Later on had some unexplained rashes-though they were kinda cute and felt good scratching! Chicken pox-NOPE-had them in August ‘88 after a silly classmate decided to give the whole class a going away August Hol’s present!!!(may you itch in hell woman…where the sun don’t shine, where the rain don’t drop, where the fish don’t swim, where the leaves don’t fall and where the snow don’t land!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Last major symptom together with the rashes-unexplained diarrhea! Stops and comes again, stops comes again. As in, I’m talking about the same day. Pass normal stool in the morning, come afternoon runs! Come evening, normal!
Eating only from home-diarrhoea.
Not eating at all-diarrhoea.
Irritable bowel syndrome-maybe!
Worried-definitely. But trust me, I was suffering psychologically-you know the words- strumming my ass severally, telling my life with the signs… killing me softly with the rashes…killing me softly with the weight loss…

Dying? Er…uhm…well-giggle-I’m still here!

Why I've been Silent?

2005-08-25T10:00:00.000+03:00

-No, am not on a “BREAK” from my true love blog. And NO, I'm not having an affair and operating another blog incognito…or am I?

-No, the fact that my landline at home is not working... and now have to operate from cyber cafes…no access to internet hours on end…(sheddin tears as I type)…no that has nothing to do with it ...the fact that i miss my mozilla firefox...i miss that dial up from the comforts of pyjamas and music...

-No! MJY has not threatened to silence me…however I hear her upcoming post might not be pretty! And there have not been any talks of separation or divorce…those are nasty rumors being spread by lawyers who have never heard of confidentiality…love has lifted us up where we belong…we belong together and you know that am right…this is not the end of the road…she is not all cried out…waters have not run dry…our endless love is ever blazing ever blazing …I don’t wanna be a player no more…am stuck on you and I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just cant lose…

-No, neither has Guess nor Shiroh held me captive tied up to their bedposts (damn how many notches did I just count on their head-posts??)…getting fed on grapes and occasional belt welts!!!(hint hint girls!!!) Can you say working over time!

-No! Blue compass did not beg me to abstain from posting anything about him…he politely requested…the so called white flag routine...which I granted to him, but trust me the war ain’t over…he and his only friend Sandman(you coulda chosen clay or loam but u chose weak sand…) better go back to their cave walls and restrategise!! (NB they didn’t have drawing boards back in their days!) …I kill me!!!!

-No, I'm not busy measuring up for a suit for Mshairi’s wedding…or writing up a speech...or regrouping the Sleeze crew to unleash terror on the our Blog-Matriach’s groom to be! No that ain't it!

-No, my computer privileges have not been revoked here at the sanitarium...all is well! Though Milonare has been snoring a tad loudly of late…as MsaniiXL sucks his thumb relentlessly in a puddle of pee…I'm not too sure, but the air around the two of them is slightly non-hip-hop more ghetto-gangster rap! But serenity is always restored when Guess comes over in the evening with some ‘pills’ to chill our ills! …there’ll be some sweet times coming down on the night shift…it’s gonna be a long night…it's gonna be alright…on the night shift!

-No, it's not the fact that the post I’m working on still needs enough juice, drama and sauce. I’m still pairing up bloggers...based on their similarities and also how they interact with each other one on one E.g. Guess/Akiey, Mshairi/Blue, BadBoy Kymmbr/GoodGirl Poi, Kinyi/Freak Engineer, Milonare /Ms K, of course the immortal Mental/MJY…but that’s a post that could drain me and SPIDEY here has no strength…or a working dial up. Trust me you need to weave such a web when you have instant access…in the case of a war outbreak u need to be online!

-No Ms K, Gishungwa, and Kari I have not been the figure lurking in the shadows outside your bedrooms….you’ve got the wrong super-hero! It's Batman who does lurking…I creep... not lurk! But all the same…y’all look cute asleep!

-No, am not on a weight losing programme, in fact it’s been the opposite. In the past week I have indulged thrice in sumptuous buffets! Oh all without punishment of food poisoning! Oh I had me some chilli mutton…trust me that sheep was a raised for eating! It did not walk to its death, that baby, probably sat on cotton and was carried around… Damn y'all must discover the whole idea of going out on an eating spree-screw the bill, just savor the moment...oh and if you are eating in a jisty restaurant its very wise to just buy a bottle of 1litre mineral water=5-6glasses as compared to sweatin with a bottle of soda/juice since you can't afford another one.
Of course am now slightly broke-and no my phone has not been disconnected or electricity …hey who turned off the lights!?

-No, I have not been abducted by Aliens, or been returned by them…and am not one anyway!

-No, it's nothing to do with the fact I watched arguably the best movie this year 'CRASH' Damn that movie was too real and original-with a stellar 'B' list cast...it was nice seeing Ryan Phillipe, Larenz Tate, Matt Dillon, Brendan Frasier, Sandra Bullock all in one film. S! you were right about this movie. The style in which all characters eventually evolve and revolve around the others...this movie must be a contender come Oscar time!!!!

-Lastly it's nothing to do with the slamming weather we're having. Ladies and Gentlemen:heat has returned and am out in the sun getting a tan! Look out for a new bronze-lord out there!! I've also missed challenging my deodorant like this!! I derive strength from the sun(ooops wrong super hero again) I am rejuvenated and brand new...yeah whole load of crap!!!

So there you have it…that’s not why I have been away for long!

Sleeze News: Blog War II

2005-08-12T21:29:00.000+03:00

"Good evening this is Mutush with the breaking blogging news. War had been declared...again! This time Nick vs a self proclaimed veteran who comes with plenty of age(by the kilo) and experience. So far our sources have no understanding of the origins of this war. All we have is unconfirmed rumors that the Poet did not appreciate being called old! He detests being reminded that 'four decades' is an age and not some singing sensation. Sources say that he detests the vibrance and youth that Nick represents and exudes. On the other hand, Nick doesn't appreciate certain insinuations that the Poet declared all Kikuyu Men to be poor lovers! Adding insult to injury the Poet has even declared himself the Blog-Cassanova, and even challenged the female fans to choose between him or Nick. Once again, we repeat we have not confirmed the authenticity of these allegations, but it is certain that war has been declared and the first low punch has been delivered by the Poet going by the name Papa Smurf! Will this be a battle of egos? Will it be youth vs nursing-home proximity? Will it be a battle of who the ladies like? Will it be a battle of kikuyu's vs kamba's? Only time can tell.

We are joined by our fellow reporter, reporting live form the boxing arena situated outside Poet's hometown at a local social hall. I hear the air is filled with tension and excitement. Fans are being welcomed with sumptuous Muthokoi in multi colored plates. Typical short kamba men irate with their sterotypical hot-tempers arguing everywhere selling tickets left right and centre. Locals obviously supportin their man Papa Smurf-but having great difficulty pronouncing/articulating his name;phonetically and without sounding like they are singin. They have declared him the obvious winner. In fact the whole town's population of uneducated mohines have left their workstations and are present in droves. Goats have been spared of milking. They have all rallied behind their poet! The poet who in his old age has resorted to writing pornographic poems-hence the coining of the phrase Blue Poet! Does he practice what he preach? Is he a stud as he says...or is he just full of hot air! Do we chose to believe that at his age he surely isn't dysfunctional...and that actually he can go the distance...in war and otherwise? We shall soon find out!

Apparently some bloggers are attending the fight as well, most not siding with anyone yet...but are there for a cheap thrill. For more details lets turn over to our reporter Lequitta."

Live Feed From The Arena

Mutush:Lequitta can you hear us?
Lequita:Hey Mutush I can hear you loud and clear. Am telling you the air up in here is all nasty!
Mutush:Is the violence that bad?
Lequita:No, I'm just talkin bout a grumpy old man, in speedos and his butt crack showing...deng that's plain nasty!!!! Word of advice gramps doesnt matter if you're the greatest lover-don't flaunt it, hide it!!!....and hide it well too!!!
Mutush:How bout the other contestant Nick?
Lequita:He be wearing some spiderman costume but he looks pretty alright. I wouln't mind getting tangled up in his web if you gets what I'm saying my brother. However speculations say that he is not making any statements yet...he's just going straight for the fight. He feels the old man has had a good deserved head-start.
Mutush:Who looks like the favorite to win?
Lequita:Its too early to say. On one corner we have a brother sayin he can last 12 rounds as he does in the sack...he is pulling some sweet vibe how he like wine and shit. How with age he be all better and stuff. Sure he's breathing a bit heavy, his gait a little sluggish, but he looks pretty confident. His succulent pot belly.... prominent forehead.... untrimmed nose-hairs...arrogant demeanour adds a little air of rugged musculinity, I must add! Trust me if i was a wild pig i'd bare him healthy piglets with pride!!!!
Mutush:And on the other side?
Leqita:Well, there's just Nick! Like I said its Old Sammedy Sam vs Spiderman.
Mutush:uh...ok...I understand you spoke to the Poet in the changing room?
Lequita:Oh yes I did. And he is full of fury. He be quoting movie lines and shit! Went to the extent of re-enacting matrix and calling Guess Trinity...he likened himself to Mr Smith. He has promised to bring down the so-called-spider chested Nick. Apparently he'll bring him to his knees...and yes... i quote him word for word..'I'll Delouse that Nick like Kipepeo is currently delousing her hair on her post'...can you beliee that he would say somethin that nasty to a sweet lil thang like that!"
Mutush:Did u make that up?
Lequita:Hell No! He is Ghetto! Thats what he told me-remember he thinks ALL the ladies in the house love him. He is huffing and puffing-nothing to do with his pace-maker...but the nigga be mad as hell!!!! Am telling you he so confused he doesn't even know he's own name!!! Is it KukeKamba? Blue Poet? Old Poet? Papa Poet? Papa Smurf? General Smurf? Am tellin you he better aks somebody! That's right he better Aks somebody!!!!
Mutush:Who are the other bloggers around.
Lequita:In fact... here comes MsaniiXL! wait a minute(as she turns away from the camera).....hey wassup its your girl lequitta here! Hey...remember me? Hey....huh!....OH NO he didn't. OH HELL FREAKING NO!!!! That hip hop brother just didn't ignore my fine ghetto fabulous self....oh thats so crazy and he darn flipped me the finger. I have never-not in the past 3 days anyway.....But wait here comes Akiey.(turning away again) Hey Akiey, Hey Akiey....hey wait...stop walking away....damn you're breaking into a sprint boy...promise i won't say anything more about you and Guess...DAMN! A sister can't catch a break up in here!!!! They avoiding me like I'm a kind of hood-rat without class. I gots Class!!!!
Mutush:Who else is there?
Lequita:Oh the fabulous 3 sisters are in the house.
Mutush:Mshairi, Nyakehu, Uaridi?
Lequita:Damn right and you know I aint gonna say anything nasty about them ladies! Lequita knows where to draw the line! And it's with these three-you don't mess with them thats fuh real!.....Ms K is also in the house looking very comfy with Milonare. S! is also in the house chewing and spittin pun and manikchand like his height depended on it!!! And you know that we got history till he left me for that heifer with the fake implants!!!! Surprisngly none of Nick's Wife, Mistress and Concubine have shown up? Poi is in the back ground making small talk with Prousette and Kymmbr. Kinyi just walked in....and is that Thinker strolling in?
...oh i see Nick emerging from the changing rooms let me go get some 411 and i'll hook you up with some feedback later....

Mutush: Ok thank You lequita. Lets turn to our other reporter who is live in UK with Farmgal

Live Feed From UK:

Njeri: It is a pleasure to be standing here with a fellow village-girl from the riverside back home, named Farmgal outside her new shop. Which I must say is just the bomb. I have never seen anything like this in all my life. Better than the best Deacons back home! Farmgal! Am impressed, Congratulations! This is clean, and neat....hey you must hook up your kikuyu sister like that! I want a good discount...even a job on the side!! Hii ni maendeleo sana!
Farmgal: (with a pinch of a tweng) Ah-sante sana, ni mayendeleo kidogo mdogo!
Njeri:Anyway lets discuss the issue at hand before you tell me if you sell second hand clothes?
Farmgal:Sure!
Njeri:Yes! Tell us, who are you routing for in the war going on?
Farmgal:Its a tough call. Nick is a very dear friend of mine and...well on the other hand Poet has made a good order for diapers...so i wouldn't like to spoil my business...especially now at the beginning.
Njeri:Diapers??? are you saying?
Farmgal:Yup, insisted on genuine comfort with super absorbablity!
Njeri:My word...why would he...?
Farmgal:Because i sell nothing but the best...
Njeri:I meant why would he want diapers...?
Farmgal:Because I stockl them and I only do quality...in fact there is a special offer...
Njeri:I meant what for?!
Farmgal:Who cares...he be paying top dollar! But you better hush on that!
Njeri:Hmmmm...And are there any other UK bloggers following this?
Farmgal: I hope so...cause here AT ANGEL'S WEAR we stock nothing but the best!!!
Njeri: I meant the war you silly woman!
Farmgal:Who cares about the damn war...wasn't this about my shop???

Mutush:Ok...there seems to be some miscommunication...lets have feedback from Tyrone over in Finland!

Live Feed From Finland:

Tyrone: This is Tyrone reportin live outside Kipepeo's domicile. May I add she be so fine she gave me a paper cut!!! Hot-Damn! At the moment she is currently on the phone trying to get her lawyers to sue Poet for defaming her fine-as-hell baby hair. Trust me guys its au naturale-without lice. She is heavenly like the butterfly she potrays. Oh and lets not mention them toes, I'd like to intertwine some toes oh!!! Damn, happiness is when i think of her and we be together and rendezvous. She'd be on time, I'd bring the wine, I'd lock the door, and she'd be all mine...BABAY BABAY! She makes me crazay! Whomp there it is! I wanna shoop babay! The dog-gone girl is mine, mine mine...
Mutush: Wait isn't that a Karen White Song??? ...and why u quoting songs???
Tyrone:What's your point? Player hater-just cause you all zitty and saving yourself doesnt mean i can't express myself,FOO!!!!! Can't a brada fantasize in peace! Why you all up in my grill!?
Mutush:Fair enough...anyway..what else has she to say?
Tyrone:She gives a big shout out to her beau Kanja...and wishes her Nickyboo victory. Quoting her " Take that Muikamba down!!!!" So that's all from this corner of the world. Its Tyrone chillin with the Finn's, rollin outta ma jeans, willin for some sins!!! Over and out!!!

Mutush: You heard it straight from us. We shall keep you informed on the War. So far Poet has come out fighting headstrong, taking no prisoners, talking the talk, limping the limp!! Age is not a factor, neither is his Kamba origin. What will Nick do? Does he stand a chance? Join as next when we see how this comes down!

Random Post

2005-08-10T21:28:00.000+03:00

Have been feeling too lazy to blog. Won't mention that apparently am uninspired, and the blog-block has returned reloaded. It also doesnt help that I have been having more fun in all of your blogs commenting and raising levels of cheap humor a notch higher. Its funny how blogging becomes not only about your own blog but the interaction with other bloggers. What started out being a solo concept becomes a communal project.

It's interesting how the Kenyan Blogsphere has expanded. In the beginning everyone stuck to themselves, it was even obvious that there were some cliques that stuck to themselves. But as it evolved, I'm impressed to see older bloggers (not old as in Old Blue Poet old...honest thats the last old joke am pulling on u!) interacting with newer bloggers. This interaction not being just a ploy to garner comments on their own blog-but interaction just for the purposes of interacting. Comments section have been like a meeting point for various bloggers and at times, funnily, disregarding either the post or the blog-owner! Which brings me back to my original point that this is plain fun.

In my brief stint here. I've had blog-wars. I've been disowned/threatened/and almost spat at. But I always come out with my head held high, feet on the ground, family pebbles retracted and ascended, dishevelled hair, pride and dignity shattered, humiliated nonetheless!(talk about a tough crowd to please!!!) I've been called names as much as I've nick-named others. I've been adopted by three sisters-boy oh boy christmas is coming round the corner or what??!!! Met four wonderful bloggers. Kept in touch with a quorum and even became friends with all of you. Got me a blog wife and a mistress-though right now Mr Machissmo is sleeping in the kennel! (Memo to self-keep such announcements private!) Wifey hasn't spoken to me in days and the Mistress is complaining of my dismal performance to say the least...maybe its the spidey boxers!!!

I have always argued that this is like some secret cult/silent organisation in which we exist in outside our normal world. You log on and off you dash to various sites, while the real world (well as far as I am concerned) remains oblivious to this blogshpere. We don't know each other fully, but what we know is just enough. (hint hint unleash your names Gaddamn it!) Each has a persona that we identify with, each fulfils a literary and almost social hunger that we desire to feed from. Strangers who are friends. People with false names but real identities...anyone seeing how creepy this is...people having symbols representing them...in the midst of all these unfamiliarity lies the bond that binds.(Godfather how are those rings coming along-not to mention secret handshake? jackets?....heck we can all meet in a tree-house slit out index fingers and swap blood swearing oaths of allegiance...)

From the political to religious. To the funny and silly and the entertainers. To the poetic and the romantics. To the randy and kinky and downright naughty. To those with personal stories to share, journey's they traverse, struggles they endure, life they bare-journals that chronicle their existence. To the critiques and the critics. The bad boys and the good girls, the good guys and the bad mama's. To the musical and the pictoral. Those studying or working abroad, those working or studying in Kenya...those going through growing pains and those going through some painful things. Those in search of answers and those curious with questions...the famous and infamous, the popular and hated...those ranting and raving about their split-ends/in-growing toe nails/zits/weight loss or gain/traumatic childhoods...yup an entire niche of human society that is comprised within this particular Blogsphere.

Anyway, as we can all tell I surely did digress. I am trying to work on posts coming up that involves all of you bloggers. A kind of News Broadcast on all of you and your escapades-told by different presenters who have their own opinions(not mine.) An expose on all of us, from fictional outsiders lookin in! Since am not getting paid for it i shall take my time-but be warned y'all will surely be mentioned. Am yet to work out on the details of the characters of the presenters. e.g

Laquitta (the ghetto fabulous fine ass diva)
Tyrone( the rabid dawg from the block)
Njeri ( the uncharming uncouth blatant housewife with 6kids)
Mutush (down to earth, kind hearted geeky freak-thats right-freak!)

Oh well, we'll see how that goes. Until later fair bloggers. Blog on!

Meeting with Guess

2005-08-03T10:19:00.000+03:00

Boy, its been a while since I did this I have almost forgotten how to. So, yes oh ye dying public I did meet up with the one and only sensational Guess! Yes, she is a true babe, classsy in every way and trust me that British accent goes down well. Nothing like a chick with a hint of a natural weng! Grrrr!

So how do u blog this....

For starters we met twice. However we'd been communicating since she came and for some reason we didn't meet earlier. Either she was busy or she was too busy. I knew I was the KBW loser/outcast but cammon, how many postponements did I have to get? So, I hung in there, persisted more than a rash...more like a wedgy while wearing clad you cannot manouver/manipulate yourself out of! Incessantly I pursued, sent many sms's and eventually the day arose when we finally set on meeting.

Sunday 24th
As usual my fav rendezvous- outside 20th. Next time you meet a stranger, I advise, it's wise you agree on a certain lampost or pillar. So I arrive there and you know how 20th is. There were like 3 dozen solo babes waiting to get picked up. So I zero in on the three of them, hoping to see some twinkle in their eyes, some form of "hey is that you?" Nope! Nada! Them girls had obviously been stood up and were not entertaining the idea of stranger checking them out with a cheap-ass grin whispering "Guess?"

So I pick up my phone and decide to call the one and only. I heard it ring out loud and turned in the direction of the Kenny Rogers ring-tone, and there she was...screaming "auuuui!" and breaking into a run in the opposite direction! From her position, a few steps away she had seen me, but wasnt too sure it was me. However, when I called she was sure and she hiked her skirt, hopped out of her manolo shoes and took cover...yaani tuck and roll.

We were not amused!

Anyway jokes aside. She looked like she was modelling and I'd interrupted a photo shoot! The Nairobi sun in the distance illuminating her, the wind blowing through her hair...and as I waddled towards her and she glided towards me...exchanged greetings... exchanged hugs like long lost lovers...she swept me off my feet and twirled me a good 360 degrees-Oh, my amazon warrior princess had returned!

At first we went round town undecided where to go, then we settled for a nearby reastaurant. She is so easy going, friendly and even sweeeeeet! Imagine she had a gift for me! And the moron had nothing-damn make a brada look cheap! Then again I am cheap!

The Goss?
-We became fast friends. Swapping stories, she showed me some of her pictures of her family...she has a fetish for taking pictures of goats-which apparently she'll name 'Nick'
-For starters y'all that thought those weren't her legs trust me they are. And I know for a fact they are hairless and by delving further i managed to know they are naturally hairless-not as a result of Veet or a razor.
-This woman is as evasive and cunning as evasive and cunning can get! She refused to tell me who the guy was seated on her bed holding a camera and a suggestive look!(remember that scandalous post of hers???)
- This dame has perfected that angelic holier than thou look-with a halo on top of her head and harps playing in the background...from batting her lashes to a sweet babyface smile to a cute giggle...she can make you coo if she wanted to. She is a cherub incarnate!
-She refused to divulge any names of fellow bloggers that she knows...heck even her own name she had remained adamant about it till I asked for her ID! Even her occupation still remains a mystery to me.
-She is about 5 foot 6. Brown eyes...already described her angel-face. Which is now her new nick name! Everyone in the house quickly change her link to 'angel-face'
-A gentleman never asks a lady her age. But this gentleman did-to which the lady replied...
-She explained the origins of the name guessaurus.
-By the way she had the same reaction Ms K had on seeing me-spontaneous bursting into laughter, with pointing...apparently she thought i was really short, round, geekyand stubby-and was glad to discover i wasn't short!
-We discussed that since MJY is my Blog wife she will be my blog-mistress...we are happy with that arrangement.

Hours later we parted ways promising (rather i forced her) to meet the following week.

Thursday 28th

I wanted to take her to lunch at Nbi west near my workplace.
For starters she got lost and this broke punk had no credit...it was a mess. Then, I kept her waiting for almost an hour-and you know hell hath no fury like a woman kept waiting at a silly reception. Her cute nostrils flared-she was breathing fumes! I tried to ease her pain... En route to the lunch venue I offered to buy her some sugar cane! Wah, the look I got from this classy/diva like babe can't be explained-but if i was to try it'd go something like " ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR TOOTH PULLING MIND!!! Hell freakin yeah i want some sugar cane!!!! HOOK A SISTA UP!!!"

Totally surprised, we had it cubed and before you know it she was crunching away. Prominent jawline features-she squeezed the living juice out of them cubes. And she spit away like a pro!!!

Ok just kidding.

So we had our lunch and past more times cracking jokes. Coaxed her into ice cream-though the ice cream on offer was limited.

Eventually time elasped fast as it does when having fun and it was time to bid adieu. With tears in our eyes (not from the maize with chilli we ate while strolling round west) we started saying our farewells. We promised to write, sms, and keep our love burning ever so brightly. Never to let it sizzle down to an ember-ain't no river wide enough...valley deep enough...mountain high enough to keep as from fanning that flame.

So we hugged to the consternation of the onlooking crowd some mumbling and pointing at such blatant public display of affection. Exchanged goodbyes and I held the bicycle as she hopped on.

I waved a last goodbye. She gave me a last longing look. A last meaning smile...and as she disappeared off into the sunset, I turned one last time but she was gone. All that remained was an overwhelming sad emotion and the icecream and maize cob she'd thrown that I'd bought her. Sigh!

That is my story and am sticking to it!

In essence: Guess is a lovely, classy babe, gorgeous, very down to earth with a generous
heart. Funny and very naughty!
And better still she is my pal.

Sleep and...

2005-07-20T09:10:00.001+03:00

This is one thing we all happen to share in common-the love for sleep! As we grow older we cherish it more and it turns into a treasured forbidden pleasure. On Monday, my usual company (a.k.a where i go for dinner on Monday's-bless you Ruth and Kui. NB kui has this cute 7month old with edible cheeks.) had gone for a trip to Dar, so I was left to my own devices...and from early on in the day I had already started planning how I was gonna sleep early. Hey, Nyeri was cold, drizzling in the afternoon I was all set to go. It then hit me there are so many aspects in sleep and atlast a blog-post was inspired.

1. ...my ritual.
Tuck mosquito net in- its so soothing hearing a mosquito trying to get to you and you know damn well there ain't no chance in hell they will reach you.

Enter a pair of clean cold blue sheets in my clean t-shirt and blue pj bottom. I like my sheets cold, so that i can wriggle myself and toes in them till they get warm. Note clean is used relatively-sometimes your sheets are reeking from that pyjama/body odour smell... or a littlle drool stain... sometimes the househelp didnt quite aerate the sheets so you still have that powerfoam smell goin on...However that entire nasal phenomenal(just like your own towel) makes you all the more at home

I usually start sleeping on my left side then after a few minutes sleep on my right-all covered up to the neck-my poor head is the only thing that remains exposed am sure with a lot of cajoling from the rest of the body!

2. ... a new bed.
Be it a hotel, at relatives or friends place. The act of adjusting to a mattress that doesnt embrace your physique-your curve and sinew, or new funny detergent/dust smells is torture. Trick is sleep around...and have yourself a ritual and that will no longer be a problemo.

However, sleeping with cousins is quite a different thing.Yup you got invited over to celebrate christmas and you went there hurriedly only to discover the whole family bonding thing is being stretched to the limit.

Besides the invasion of privacy, there is the restriction of freedom! You can't yawn out loud in whatever direction you well please with a funky mornin breath! Can't fart, belch, scratch much. Can't stretch or sleep diagonally-u become tied down in your own space! You can't coil however you damn well please cause the elastic on you pj aint what it used to be-so you're under threat of exposed crack!!!

3. ...lots of it.
Ladies and Gentlemen there is no greater joy than sleepin at around 7:30pm/8:00pm on a work night...and you sleep and sleep and you get wake up in the middle of the night thinkin its 5:00pm to discover it's only 11:30pm. Jumping jupiters! If this could be packaged and send as christmas presents it would be such a joy! After re-confirmin the time you cuddle up some more and start your second journey, but this time smiling!

4. ... peeing.
Am the kind that never wakes up to pee in the night. Either out of sheer laziness or the fact i get pressed around 6am and am too afraid to risk not falling back asleep again. So i hung in there! I think its a bad habit cause around 8am it's not even the urgency to go that wakes me but a radiating back pain! The bladder is so full-with a kind of pain you can backtrack up your renal system all the way to your kidneys!!! Whoa! Trust me you sprint to the loo-and by the time you relocate all your sphincters through the pain it takes like forever to pee-trust me sitting down becomes an option. Cause it's like trying to learn how to pee all over again. Numb with pee you stand there half awake willing somethin to happen...eventually you pee. And it takes long too...just when you thought you are through..wait...not yet....wait.... this is the kind you return to the loo after ten minutes to pee again.

5. ... the runs!
Oh trust me if you need to take a shaite while asleep...you need to take a shaite. Nothing like good food poisoning to make you wake up and pay attention. This is a sign you don't mess with. If you body has given you ample time let alone warning to react...you better run!!!!

6. ...insomnia.
(this is dedicated to my pal/cousin/blog-wife/yesterday's birthday girl MJY)
For some apparent reason you're not falling asleep. Even worse you fall asleep only to wake up a few hours later blinking away in frustration. Tossing and turning-now your beds all messed up! You're messed up!!! It's ALL messed up!!!
Chanting doesnt help! Counting sheep doesn't help! Cursing helps a bit!

To me these are a few reasons why i have insomnia

-stress: ur worried about something/depressed/something's nagging you. (Actually for some reason am usually more susceptible to depression at night than in the daytime-darkenss is my kryptonite!)....then i remember "wait a minute!" For me besides tv, sleep is the other way i escape from reality "so, ebu start escaping...chap chap"
-If you are too warm. Unleash them woollen socks. Throw off some blankets. Then try again.
-If you are hungry/thirsty-tsk tsk u should know better than to sleep on an empty stomach!
-If you had napped earlier on...you will pay the price!
-Ten minutes after sleeping you wake up. Your housemate darn gone asleep leaving "Mugithi/Zilizovuma/Zilizopendwa" playing in the distance...you try to yell at him but he cant hear you over the said music and snoring. Your pride won't let you wake up and go switch the bloody thing off so you resort to calling him via your cell phone
-In laziness you did not make your bed...and now your toes are touchin bare blanket since God knows where your sheets are. You fumble around...but still you are having skin to blanket relations...eeeeew

Now for some reason if I'm up awake: I find joy in waking up others. That sadistic pleasure of pickin up your phone and calling up your friends/phone book. You call and as soon as they pick up the phone all groggy-you hung up! Pure pleasure. Now THAT knocks me out faster than a glass of milk!!! Wah and I sleep so deeply. When I wake up the next morning I'm caught by surprise by numerous insulting sms' ..and being the dumb ass that I am I have totally forgotten the entire 1-2am incidence!

(bless you friends for baring up with me-even when u threaten to lynch me I know you never mean it. And you must admit- a little disturbance while sleeping- as irritating/freaking annoying as it is-makes you sleep even deeper! bless you once again see you at 2am!)

7. ...dreams.
You know there are those shallow shallow dreams-and then there are those MAJOR dreams that you are so wrapped up in-it would take a forklift/crane to awake pull you out of. You dont even 'wake up' from them you 'come to' from them. So vivid and real are they...a completely deep, heavy sleep which is totally engulfing-entirely pleasurable. Wholistic in every essence-mind, body and soul!
Sigh! God knew what he was doing giving us the ability to dream.

8. ...prayers.
Speaking of the same God! Ever notice how whenever you start praying before you sleep...well...er....you actually sleep!!!! I think that's the rudest thing we ever do in prayer-leaving Him hanging! And am guilty of solving insomnia sometimes by beginning to pray again..and before you know it the artist formerly known as St Lucifer has lulled me to sleep.

9. ...TV.
Now if you are flying in your dreams like superman or spinning a web like spiderman...that is just plain dreaming!! However!!! If for some reason Stefano Dimera has held you captive in Maison Blanche...and all of a sudden you have escaped and killed him and ended up a prisoner in Oz. You end up in solitary, and you're opposite the Hannibal who's trying to seduce you to chew your own toungue-but before he manages to you dig out a tunnel Shawshank style to end up as some 'lost' 'survivor' on an Island Jack Sparrow style....then my friend you have dreamt well! Though a lil time off the tube wouldnt hurt one bit either.

10. ...inappropriate places.
Now to hell with deep sleep and good dreams this beats them all. Sleeping at the wrong time at the wrond place. This is entirely physically refreshing!!!
Am sure you have happened to been victim to this:

-sleeping in class. Ngai those boring afternoon classes in high school as you were forced to read shamba la wanyama...or in college in those lecture theatres where no one knew if you existed...

-sleeping in a meeting/talk

-sleeping in someone's couch while watching a boring movie....or as you await a culinary surprise that the person has mastered in preparing and apparently you should be dying to taste.....zzzzzzz

-sleeping in your friends car as they are driving and ranting and raving about crap! And in fact this one is so sweet that you doze off for like a minute or two and you wake up startled and utter unconsciously "Hmmm?!?!?!" and like a miracle its just in cue with what your friend was saying and you hear them affirm and proceed... " EXACTLY!!..can you believe?!....." and off they go on and u nestle back in for another minute of sleep

Now the problem with this sleep it leaves you with such a guilty look in your eyes. Either that or the effort to remain awake is so draining as you fake listening/paying attention/replying as you struggle not to yawn. Ever tried yawning with plan?! its a killer you try to distribute the yawn in piesces through your mouth/nose heck even your eyes if it's possible...the more you stiffle the bigger it gets...your eyes well up...your body is about to shut down....

11. ...and lack of it.
No am not repeating insomnia. Am talkin about denied sleep as a result of staying up late. For me in Uni i discovered that sleep was a luxury and hence used to wake up to read. there's a time i slept for a total of 4hours in 3days. Yaani 2 hours each.
I was a walking zombie! Blood shot eyes. And my threshold for jokes was so low-anything if not everything was funny! My head was light! I could feel all my muscles cause they were tight as hell! No appetite! Vision blurred!

Aint that the coolest!!!!! To think all that can be cured by just sleeping. And the funny thing is the CAT i was reading for- yup you guessed i failed it well! Yes there is a thing like failing well as compared to failing badly. Failing badly is when by your standards you have done dismally! But failing well is when not only have you performed badly by your standards but also in comparison to your classmates. Yaani you're at 30+% the rest are at 60+% there is almost a pride in such failing...

So yes that's my story....and am wishing you all a pleasant night's sleep..or even at your workplace...at a friends place...in a restauraunt....anywhere u maybe enjoy you're sleep-but preferably not when reading this blog though!

Life: 102

2005-07-13T12:36:00.000+03:00

Hot on the heels after Life: 101 Sgt Life from Life Academy is back to spew more life lessons/theories learnt the hard way.

11. Mirror: Its funny how you never notice that what you see in the mirror is not what others see. For starters, simply put, the mirror shows you a laterally inverted image of yourself so unless you are completey symetrical your view of yourself is not the same as others. Now physics aside, getting deeper...people have different perceptions of a person-especially with regards to success. Here you are thinking you are a failure when others actually envy you. On the other hand, here you are thinking you're the king of the world-boastfull and proud -when u really are the freaking scum of the earth.
Reality check: we probably have two lives: one perceived by you and the other, as perceived by others. Live you own life and don't live it for others. You would be surprised what other think about you!! In the long run-whether positive or negative-that should never define you at all!

12. Envy:Wow! What a powerful mortal sin. Greater than jealousy- transcending further than hatred. It's deep!! And if you have never succumbed to envy, the bloody thing can consume you, control you, and damn well near change you for the worse. When they said its a deadly sin-they knew what they were writing about!!!!

Reality check: No one is freaking perfect and the faster you learn this the better. We cannot all be created equal-not everyone should act the same.
-If you're the sporty type, with the athletic build-good for you!
-If you're the next Einstein...the new yardstick for high I.Q-good on you!
-If you look like a cross between Denzel and Halle or Brad and Jolie...well guess what (sniff!) good for you!
-If you have special abilities which i don't have...of course you are better than me there-and over there and not forgetting that other thing...and there's that....well guess what???

You're not me and am not you anyway! Everyone has weaknesses and strengths-REFUSE to let others put you down-with their airs and egos!!!!

13. Selflessness: Is there a trully selfless act out there??? What is my point? Does anyone ever do good without the hope of atleast feeling good about it. Is there an act that you can partake and totally not benefit heck even suffer for-so long as it was selfless. E.g you fling youself in front of a moving van to save someone-sure you break your legs or even lose your life....BUT...you're still feeling good for having saved someone's life.
I believe in random acts of kindness but am yet to discover purely selfless acts.

14. Success and Happiness: What is it after all? Is it financial and material? Is it social? Is it about raising a family...or attaining higher levela of education? Is it street-smart? Is it achieving what you strived for and accomplishing it all? Is it being happy with who you are? Is it being what others would like you to be? Is it looking in the mirror and liking what you see looking back at you?
Would you concider yourself happy or content with life and if so with what criterion do u decide with? If you were to be asked "what would make you happy or content with life?" would you have an answer? Or are we created in such a manner that we will never stop seeking more?! Will we ever stop yearning for better? Scriptures say its not wrong to want more...but why want more all the same? Why live life in search of success and happiness when all it brings is either disappointment or discontent?!

15.Greetings: At my work place it's taboo not to shake hands! How do i know this is? Well... the matron once pulled me aside and told me SO! Deng!!! "How come you don't salimia people. You know its very rude" She was short of calling me arrogant. Apparently the correct thing to do is walk to everyone...great each and every person by hand and exchange pleasantries...

The following are not forms of greetings:
-'Morning!' or plural 'Mornings!' ...as u smile and walk past.

-1st person 'Hey?'
2nd person 'Hey!'

-1st person 'Bitch!?'
2nd person 'Punk?!'

The art of morning quiteness is lost on my workmates. Instead, one has to learn how to make greetings associated with small talk that is quite monotonous and repetitive after 2 years of working in the same place with the same people with the same greetings!

Learn how to be social and how to make funny small talk impromptu. Problem is if you are as asocial(yes i made that up!) as I am you will be reduced to..." Habari ya asubuhi?...na weekend?.. kuna mvua kali-lakini atleast mahindi itamea"

16. Making a fool of yourself: Oh you know what am talking about. Embarrasing moments don't count cause in retrospect you look back and smile. I'm talking about those moments either your worst side emerged, or you did something so stupid/thick that memories could bring back tears in your eyes. Whenever you remember you even shake your head and try change subject!!!(Note you're changing subjects whilst talkin to yourself!)

You always create sticky predicaments for yourself. It is human to err/to blunder/to get conned/to be caught lying....-roll with the punches. Lift yourself up and rise...for tomorrow you make a fool out of yourself again.

17. Instinct: Trust your instinct and train it as well. Do funny experiments and you will realise that most of the times your gut instinct is always spot on! With regards to many aspects of your life, you usually have a deeper insight of things than you give yourself credit for!

18. Gossip and secrets: Everyone has the potential to back-stab and back-bite so don't get all pissed when you hear someone said some thing about you behind your back. Don't get all emotional that someone has revealed your secret. For starters you ought to know better! Secondly these don't work:
-pinky swearing
-' Oh, i promise i wouldn't tell a soul/him/her/them!'
-'who would i tell anyway?' (that's the one i use when juicing out info!!! it works wonders!- heck you give an illusion of "by the way who on earth does he know anyway!"

In this world of treachery and deceit and blackmail-you either have to learn how to fight dirty or stay clean!

19. Humility: Is more than just a virtue. Happy are those that are modest and humble....

Luther Vandross

2005-07-02T14:32:00.000+03:00

It's with sadness that R&B fans worldwide receive the news of the passing of a legend. Chicago Tribune is quoted "There's no telling how many babies were conceived, hearts healed and lovers reunited to the suave soul ballads of Luther Vandross, who died Friday at 54."

Known for his numerous love songs and his battling weight problems that only he and Oprah(girl you're on your own now!) could understand, this legend will forever withstand the test of time in the R&B genre. In the musical circles he was referred to as "The Voice" or "Pavarotti of Pop" or "The King of pillow talk"...and it was obvious why. He was purely all voice-don't think anyone could ever come close to him when it comes to unleashing vocals....not to mention the gift of writing story-telling lyrics. These were not merely tawdry love songs-this were deep meaningful songs!

Undoubtedly, my two favorite songs include the commonest wedding anthem "here and now" and "if only for one night" His other greatest include: "so amazing" "secret love" "always and forever" "can heaven wait" "dance with my father"...and you remember those 80's hits "never too much-1000kisses from you is never too much" even the song for that Danny Devito and Bette Midler movie...."give me a reason to love you now"

His duets have been breathtaking-think of
- " there's nothing greater than love" with the late Gregory Hines. One of the greatest duets ever
-"endless love" with Mariah...its almost better than the original
-"best things in life" with Janet Jackson
-"i know" with stevie wonder

His albums were the kind you just play start to finish. In his case it was not about a single-but about an album in its entirety. Funnily enough his wonderful, timeless and classic songs were never chart toppers, but he was a star nonetheless. It was with "dance with my father" that he ever had a number one album, and sadly that was his last work of art. As Mariah is the best female voice of our time, he was the best male voice of our time. In his own words he had said he didn't want to be remembered as a popstar but only to be remebered as the voice! Love songs won't be the same- though his music and definitely his voice will live on.

TV Sluts of all time!!!!

2005-06-24T20:17:00.000+03:00

Inspired by a recent post by Thinker and Kinyi.. i got into thinking about the most common stereotype on TV, which though overplayed and overdone, will always be endearing to all of us. Yes, am talking about the 'TV sluts!!!" I mean how could you not love them, damn!!!! Cheap, easy, desparate, mannerless, materialstic, shameless.... (breathe!) unstoppable, hintless, sexually obsessed, XY seeking, 24 hours on heat-kinda babes!!! Yaani, they could throw themselves of a high pier with no net, no underwear for that matter...or onto an oncoming bus just to catch their guy!!! That in my book is too deadly!!! Don't you just envy people with no pride, no scruples- kinda like Peppi le Peau(the love struck skunk)- and they carry on tirelessly, persistantly... u just have to hand it to them. It's never to low to stoop, or too hard to bend over backwards, practically amoral, guilt free-total slut!

I wanted to talk about 'TV bitches' You know the cunniving, devious, manipulative cut-throat type the likes of Alexis-Dynasty, Abby-Knots Landing etc. But realised that playing a villain is too cliche...TV sluts has always been the in-thing and for ever will be. Surprisingly, actresses who played these roles always got nominated and would win their respective awards. Go figure! Of course it takes talent to act such a role...but you have to admit those characters make the show!

So my challenge to you who has been your all time favorite "TV slut?!"

Well mine to name but a few....

1.Eddie-Desparate Housewives

The latest addition. Man-Hungry, desparate and ruthless. You go girl-you vixen you!!!!!

2.Karen-Will and Grace.

Self centred, arrogant and her attitude so rocks!!!!
Quoted saying"I'm fabulous... I'm an incredible dresser, I've got buckets of money, I'm a hoot and a half and I got a killer rack"
There's no stopping this hottie!

3.Elaine-Ally McBeal

Her smile exuded sluttiness! She was cheap, easy, and with no apologies for her prowling tactics!!! grrrr

4.Nina van Horn(ho)- Just shoot me

An old has-been that has been around and come back into circulation like an old coin!! More notches on her bedpost than her gray hairs!!!! Resilient like her skin-she'd get rejected and keep coming back for more!!!!

5.Blanche-Golden Girls

Prob one of my favorites of all time-the cheapest and the sluttiest-they don't make(write) them this good anymore. Ngai, her idea of a tax refund was the IRS man leaving a twenty dollar bill by her nightstand the morning after!!! We knew she was a slut, she knew she was a slut-we were all happy with that.

6.Sandra-227
.

Remember her the go-getter?!!! She probably was one of the first black tv sluts that money could buy!!! ha ha

7.Miss Piggy-Muppets
.

Yes i added her today thought about her on my way home...this TOTAL BABE!! Your classic Diva! She had class!...but still, would throw herself shamelessly at kermit! Yaani she tried all the hint-techniques in the book...and as much as she loved Kermit-she would disown,disavow,diss him if anyone flyer appeared. e.g Superman(who couldn't lift her by the way) I love this PIG!!!!

Dear Diary?

2005-06-22T11:15:00.000+03:00

Monday:
At tea-room at 6am. Off to Nyeri in a windy matatu. Caught more zzzz's enroute. Reached there 8:30am. It was nipple freezing freaking cold-goodbye peripheral sensation hello numbness-despite dressing like some russian during winter bila the vodosky! Climbed up to my apartment, dropped my bag, peed and walked the walk to work. Off to serve the public in pain and staff who wait for Monday's only for 'nice Nick'...thanks to them I worked 9am-2pm non stop.

Last week's sore throat had evolved into a major cold/flu. Runny nose galore-4hankies in an afternoon. You remember my last bout with the cold? Just like before i was reciting SWV's "I get so weak in the knees I can hardly breathe I lose all conrol.."

Afternoon: just happened to pass by. I was getting dehydrated with all that fluid loss.Ngai, someone pass me a drip!

Dinner: half roasted chicken + soda while standing since we're bila furniture in our new digs! Slept at 8pm(atleast kuna kitanda) attempting to sleep for 11 straight hours. That wasn't the case as I kept getting incessant sms's and missed calls. Surely people couldn't tell how sick I am!

By now i have no epithelium on top of my lip from blowing off my nose..in fact it was so severe it was just a case of wiping off my nose!

Finally got to sleep-to wake really later and euphorically find it was 11pm. Oh yes-boy didn't i go back to sleep fast! Love when u think its like dusk-only to realise you have hours to go.

Tuesday:
Woke up 7am. Nasty mood-though relaxed all the same. Splitting head ache. My previously dripping nose feels like its been run over by a truck. My sinuses are blocked to the max(at least its better than a runny nose) Realised I couldnt't smell a thing. Now with the blocked nose am breathing heavily via my mouth..and now a dry throat ensues!

Heated some water with a bucket. Boy those bucket moments are precious. Which reminds me we still need to get that plumber! Ironed, toothbrush moment. Didn't even bother polishing shoes, usually wipe them with spirit swabs at work-or leave them dusty as ever. All lights switched off.

Called a taxi, went to pay bills. Trust me in nyeri with the mud/blizzard/dust you either drive or get driven. I always pay my bills early in the morning when you don't find queue's.

Work 9am-12pm.

Take another taxi to town. As I reach the stage, I flash a makanga on his phone and he comes to a place where we usually meet. Give him cash he goes buys me a ticket as I get into the next matatu in line and sit in my fav position. You must be wondering why? Well, I like seating in front with the driver but by the door. Now in nyeri they don't do, ati, you book a seat. Nope, you buy a ticket and sit where u land. So woe unto you with extremely long legs who doesn't have a makanga on his phone book! ha!

Head back to the land of Nbi-where its even colder and worse, raining!

Note, I didn't take breakfast, so I'm famished plus wracked with fatigue. 6:00 pm and i reach home.Buy take away junk-masala chips and samosas-which i devoured while watching Monday's episode of 'malcolm in the middle.' Very clear i still couldn't smell, so I was limited to salt/sweet/bitter/and sour taste. Definitely didn't enjoy that food.

Wednesday:
Woke up early. My friend(also my house mate in nyeri) wanted some of his software disks back so I rushed to his clinic and dropped them 8-9am. Caught up with with stories-squared off each other's debts as concerns bills.

Called my salary clerk at Afya House to remind her to fix my non-practicing allowance which the mathe had messed up in my May salary(which i received last week)...so she reassured me it will be ok. In July!!!!!

Decided the afro had to go-remember its been a while since the last hair cut? Got the hair cut-in hindsight i now remember why i never cut my hair. So, not only am I balding/ugly/and scalp freezing as well... I've come to realise I have a small disproportionate head and large eyes.

Ha, the barber had jokes as well:
"hey can i shave ur beard?" (what beard?)
"hey has it been a year already?" (Your mama!)

My date for today's movie has cancelled-she has to travel to shags...hmmmh! Don't you just love those last minute cancellations! But maybe its a blessing in disguise.

All in all it is a cold day anyway, so i guess i will stay in doors. I'm bila movies to add insult to injury-but screw all that tomorrow is another day. I'll be working tomorrow.

Batman Begins opens on Fri.So we know where I'll be then.

Trying to get myself off another job I found myself into on saturdays. Wonder how that goes!

Until, then am patiently waiting for the sense of smell!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

2005-06-18T21:15:00.000+03:00

Nick's Rating: 7/10

Verdict:
This movie is HOT! HOT! HOT!...not so much for the storyline but the casting of Pitt and Jolie delivers! For a moment you can't even tell who is hotter him or her? As much as i loved the Pitt/Aniston coupling, it must be said, this on screen couple is SIZZLING! Their chemistry was all that was needed-heck it was the movie! Effortless performances-I don't think any acting was done, none was needed anyway not with that chemistry. The transition from a boring couple to a couple hell bent on killing each other is exciting and definitely worth the watch! A definite must see.

Has great killer one-liners, the movie is actually funny. The action was explosive-something that would almost rival Bruckheimer movies and John Woo's action sequences.The kitchen fighting scenes between the murderous couple are lethal. You could feel the sudden lack of love!!

The ending felt a little rushed and a tad unbelievable-but then again this is hollywood.

Boxofficewise:
Obviously opened in the States at number one with a 50mil+ opening, and am sure worldwide by now its grossed over 100mil. I wouldn't be surprised if there is a sequel. Atleast the publicity didn't affect them, unlike Russel Crowe and Meg Ryan during "Proof of life."

Angelina Jolie: This should definitely awaken her box office status.
Brad Pitt: Undoubtedly, it is evident why he is my next fav actor after Al Pacino. You can never go wrong with any of his movies. He is one of those worthy actors in hollywood who have gone without an oscar.

Killer Lines:

to name but a few

1.Shrink: How often do you have sex?
Mr Smith: I don't understand the question.

2.Mrs Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with all the things we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Shrink: Marriage.

MJ:Free at last,free at last

2005-06-15T18:46:00.000+03:00

...thank GOD almighty, he's free at last.

I received the news from an SMS from MJY at 4am yesterday...i was practically jumping off my feet like i had a personal stake in the case.Yup the KING OF POP was exonerated from all infinite counts of yada yada yada...intent to intoxicate...bluh bluh bluh...touched my peepee...yackedy smackedy hoo-ha

On behalf of all MJ fans, and all closetted MJ fans. (According to me there's no one who doesn't like his music!!!!!) So crank up some of his music(any of his music-preferably the Dangerous album) and heeeeeee heeeeee along with me!

NB: I'm too biased to give a breakdown of the proceedings

Dancing The Dream

Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye but the dance lives on. On many occasion when I’m dancing, I’ve felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I’ve felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists. I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. The creator and the creation merge into one wholeness of joy.
I keep on dancing and dancing . . . . . and dancing, until there is only . . . . . the dance.
Michael Jackson

U wouldn't believe!

2005-06-08T19:14:00.000+03:00

Nope, i'm not reffering to today's surprise visit from the Jehova's Witness. An aside: they haven't come a-knocking in years...and my although I'm in dire need of spiritual help, that story is for another post.

I'm reffering to some bimbo galavanting about by the name Veronique a.k.a Lysa!!! She has the gall to lift my articles from my award winning blog and post them as hers. I don't blame her for being a fan [note with anger comes a hint of vanity :-> ] So, the first time i left her a piece of my mind [dare any of you haters esp MJY,MsK,Ms Daud ask "and what were u left with?")she deleted her blog...and later re-emerged having deleted the post with my comment, plus 3 others. But she still has 8 of my posts well copy-pasted. Nevertheless, she's at least had the time to make relevant gender and name changes...how very kind?

No credit has been given...and note she's not even earning anything..so what is the whole point of lifting stories???

My main worry is by the time u get to her blog she may have fled or deleted it but hopefully she doesnt realise we're on to her. Check her- Lysa

These are the posts she has NICKed!!!
(ebu compare and contrast-KCSE style)

1.What makes a Nick
2.MJ Blog Meme
3.Sipping on Vodka
4.A-Maize-ing Drops:Synopsis
5.A-Maize-ing Drops: the play
6.BadBoy or Mr Nice
7.The first time
8.Why I started working out.

she deleted

1.Pain!!!!
2.Food Poisoning!

DVD, TV and I

2005-06-01T19:01:00.000+03:00

It’s been a year since I discovered or is it made the big transition to TV-series. Being the self confessed TV/movie addict-I’ve been having relations with that TV screen since '85. But last year in June, I discovered the joy of borrowing TV-series. The whole art of borrowing an entire season had been lost on me...of course, until June 2004. The one thing that can be derived from TV-series is that aspect of continuity;
-in story line. Per season per show the story line and characters develops. You get personally attached...
-the fact you don't have to deal with advertisements, weekly lapses, video timers...

Oh and if it's on DVD:
-audio and visual quality is so superior. It takes viewer enjoyment to a climax...where was this technology back when I had time
-subtitles: Oh! yes never again will you miss a word said or whispered
-special features: yes I watch them all, deleted scenes, behind the scenes...if you were an addict you'd know why
-audio commentaries. Oh the joy of hearing what the actors/directors/producers have to say...

So it's been a year and this is all I have to show for it:

24: Season2-4
Oh yes I spent 5.5hrs yesterday watching back to back, the last episodes of season 4 24-I am emotionally, physically and mentally addicted to this show. Yes, I know its fiction-but damn it, that's one hell of fiction!!!!
I've said it before and I’ll say it again; this show is not for the weak hearted. It's packed with so much suspense if you're on heart medication you better give it a miss. Each episode is like a movie on its on-trust me, woe unto you if you miss just one episode.
It is severely well cast. Well edited-no space or time to waste.

This is the best thing on TV.

Alias: Season 1-4
Initially, I was going through withdrawals from 24. I didn't know what to start on. I thought it was going to be like watching some chick pull a 'Charlie's Angels' routine and
Thought it was gonna be crap. I'm telling you there's more to it than shady fight scenes. Between revolving story lines to do with Rimbaldi artifacts, the C.I.A, Covenant, and the previously destroyed SD-6...there are so many secrets that lie beneath- u have no option but to get addicted.
This show peaked from Season 1 halfway and it's been a roller coster ever since.

CSI: Season 1-3
Who can say no to solving murder but in a 2000 kinda way? Latest, authentic technology at its best. We all grew up with murder mysteries e.g. Derrick...But C.S.I does it so damn well with intriguing cases, and plausible solving approaches. Their technical advisors are so on point-you get nothing but the real deal. Visual effects are spectacular. A Jerry Bruckheimer Production-and you know about his rep right???

Will and Grace: Season 1
Pure NBC comedy. NBC has produced some of the best comedies of our time and this happens to be one of them. It's fresh, funny and not the same kind of sit-com scenarios that have become so trite.

0z: Season 1-3(and have 5-6)
Like all HBO progs this is one heck of a controversial prison drama. Trust me if you love drama-this is it. It is raw, intense and funny. Different sects divided up in prison from the Christians, Muslims, Aryans, Italians, Latino's...and watch them all get into each other's business in the maximum penitentiary that is, OZ

Six Feet Under:Season 1-2
Another HBO prog. It's as sick and morbid as it gets. Good for a laugh and drama as well. Excellent writing.

Sopranos: Season 1-4
Mmm mmmm that Tony Soprano, an adorable yet ice-cold mafia boss. If you like your mafia movies-this is the series for you. A mafia boss with issues that goes to a shrink (it aired before Analyse This) and is a bad ass mutha... oh yes! It’s as real as real gets. A little slow in Season one...but hung on for the ride. As he takes over power from his uncle who is the current boss...as he schemes and manipulates...and has struggles with his Dr Melfi, his mistresses, children, and back stabbing capos...

Frasier: Season 1-3
I was skeptical about this comedy but after I could see how it run for 11 years!!!
Frasier was spin of from hit NBC show-Cheers. He stereotypes your rich, Ivy League educated, elitist snob so well! The show has intellectual humor-almost British to say!
Where else would u get killer lines like?

"It's easier to get into her bed than a community college!!!!"
"I am not paid enough!! Actually, I need a raise to get to not-enough!!!"

Friends: Season 10
One of my all time fav comedies. I had never seen any of their behind the scenes especially mistake gags. Why they chose to end this series will always be a mystery.

Roswell: Season 1-2
Ok, let it not be said ati I'm not versatile. It was an almost crap show-of course it got cancelled in season 3. But hey, the storyline about 3 aliens living on earth trying to get back home wasn't so bad. Think X-files, think Smallville...think I borrowed the entire set I might as well finish it!!!!

Smallville: Season 1-4
Initially, I had refused utterly to start this show. But like any true addict, watch the first show and you're hooked. Surprisingly it's not as lame as you'd think!! And watching Clark Kent slowly evolve into Superman is a treat for the fans of this comic hero. The writers have been very accurate dealing Clark Kent. The have never deviated from the original storyline and haven't conflicted with even the Superman movies or series' ever made.
Also worth watching is how Lex Luthor eventually will turn out to be a villain.

The Shield: Season 1-3
Oh yes!!!! Welcome back Police drama with a bang. Enter Det. Mackey. To hell with those cliché bad cop and good cop-why not roll all in one-A good-bad-dirty cop!!!!
Its raw and twisted...you gotta love it!!!

The West Wing: Season 1-4
If politics is your cup of tea, get yourself some muffins and enjoy the ride.
What's noteworthy is the excellence and intelligence in the writing of this show!
Everything about it just screams superior quality!!!

In Living Color: Season 1
Hey it was funny on KTN had to watch it again. Where else do u get to see the entire Wayan's Family do their thing...not to mention Jim Curry was a nobody before this show in fact he was James Curry then.

Just Shoot Me: Season 1-2
Killer sarcasm! Killer punch lines! In-your-face disses!!! This I had to re-watch it on DVD. They don't make comedies like this any more.

Knight Rider: 1 episode
I loved this show when I was a kid. Boy that 'Kit' was the car of my dreams.
So I see the DVD and I borrow it in a heart beat. Set in 1982...the thing bored me. I'm sorry Michael Knight and Kit-as much as I was a die hard fan...I couldn't finish the show's premiere episode.

O.C: 2 episodes
With a tagline like "Welcome to orange county, bitch!!!!" I don't think so...
The library lady suggested I try it. She was so persistent even gave me the first 4 episodes for free. Pure CRAP!!!!!

Desperate Housewives: Season 1
Every household has its little secrets!
A must watch-irregardless of who the target audience is. I'll say it again-TERI HATCHER is there!!!!! and Nicollete Sheridan-the man-hungry slut!
Has all the elements that make a hit show-drama, suspense, sex, scandal and tonnes of humor. And you wonder why it’s a hit show????

Lost: Season 1
I actually love this show. Very original concept of guys getting lost after an air crush and get washed onto an island that seems to have creatures and people that are quite extra-ordinary if not extra-terrestrial. We are yet to discover whether they are lost in some kind of Bermuda triangle/black hole phenomenon, cause crazy stuff is going. Same creator as Alias; so it has the similar mysteries that u have to watch unfold.

So to cut a long story short-last year has been busy. My video library adores me obviously...of course with my history they can't even mention stuff like late fees. I have immunity. They even call or sms me.
That is my list-which of course excludes TV watched live or movies borrowed. Oh and if you are wondering I do have a job...and 8-5 job. I do have a social life! I do sleep!
You just have to find the time...plus you need to know that special lib that charges DVD rentals at 100/= and of course have your very own Patron Saint of TV...to whom am grateful to

Life: 101

2005-05-27T19:34:00.000+03:00

Welcome class to Life Academy. My name is Sgt Life. I am the best teacher, and i show no mercy!!!! I'll teach you more than any Ivy League establishment!!! Teach you more than your mama ever can, could, will -so don't you give me that lip saying "my mama told me life's like a box of chocolate!!!" I'm meaner than any venereal disease, and trust me my scars don't heal as easy!!!! Harder than a constipated pregnant rhino patiently waiting to see a dentist! Tougher than any girl at a discount store sale! By the time I'm through with you, I will have earned your respect, and you will know who your bitch is! I will humiliate you, violate you, turn you upside down, inside out-and you will have to take it like the pansy ass pussy that you are!!! Gear up; you're in for a ride!!!

Boy, don't we all wish we attended such an institution where 'Life' was all ready to teach us and all we had to do was listen hard and take notes. Many will argue, "But that will take out all the joy out of life!?" Sure that's true, life has had its good moments, but when the going gets tough it gets rough and bumpy. There are things you learn the cold hard way. So hard it almost changes you for life-heck, redefines you right to the core. All cause of a certain experience. All because u learned it on your own naive/innocent/ignorant self

1.Death: regardless of what you people say or write about. Nothing can ever compare to losing a loved one. There are no words that can explain what one goes through...it's just one of those things that when life deals you lemons-you swallow them whole!

2. Me myself and I: Only life can really tell you who you really are and what you are made of. Have you ever asked yourself 'who am I?' Many have written books on how you have the potential to reach great limits. Many claim that our brains are full of untapped potential...further stating, that we use less than 5% of our grey matter.
But how come no one discusses the potential that we all have to self destruct! Yaani, the greatest critique is none other than ourselves...you think others can make you depressed-think again! We are our own enemy! You are the reason you are in a lousy mood! You are the reason you think you are a failure! You are the reason you think you are unaccomplished, unfulfilled, unhappy! It is you who set those high standards and it is you who has failed to achieve it! So whether you are happy or suicidal-life has simply given you the stage to act out your drama. Think of what a suicidal person is actually thinking as he plummets 20 floors down. A bulimic patient throwing up after every meal because they think Food is forbidden pleasure. An anorexic starving themselves to death because to them being fat is ugly. Sure they are labeled Psychotics-but what do you really know! What demons lie in us that can inhibit and inhabit our very souls? Who am i?

3. Friends: Oh yes. Remember back in the days when you had a best friend...and they'd be interchanged in a heartbeat. "You're no longer my best friend; Ken is my new Best Friend!"
Gradually friendships evolved in meaning. They became people who you shared experiences with and secrets...you enjoyed each others companies and became inseparable.
But soon you came to realise that these same friends later let you down like you wouldn't believe. You'd have sold your soul to the devil to help your buddy out-but as Life would have it they show you their true colors. Many are users! Many only want your friendship when it’s beneficial to them. Friendships for convenience! Friendship for association!
Don't trust easy!

4. Cash: Whoa! This is a tricky one! Lending cash to relatives, friends... my motto 'Lend cash you are willing to lose' Sometimes if you lose a friend over cash-it may have been a small price to pay!
Trust me if you are smart; pause. And think of 5excuses right now that you'd use to avoid lending out cash. Memorize them. And when that nag comes a begging you will already be prepared. Think early, think now. Cause usually you end up lending someone cash, even when you know better, simply because you were unprepared and didn't know how to get out of it!!!

5. Relatives: Whatever you do-DO not make the mistake of living with relatives. Am not talking about siblings shacking up, or cousins shaking up. Am talking about you moving into a different household where they are doing you a favor....Ain't no sunshine when you're around. Regardless if you were close as hell before there will always be uncomfortable tensions and expectations that you could do without.

6. Love: Love hurts. Love is worth giving it another try. Love brings out the best and worst of you....and surprisingly Love doesn't and shouldn't cost a thing.

7. Humor: If you ever need a mask to hide behind-that's it! If you ever need a friend that helps lighten the situation-that's him! If you ever need a device to bring out the best of everyone.... A medium through which you should view the whole world...that's it. If there's anything that can conquer life-Humor is it!!! So how bout that Sgt Life?!?!?!?!

8. Sincerity: This is a tough one. They say sincerity is the mother of invention-right? Screw that, if you can fake sincerity YOU have it made!!! No, am not saying be a hypocrite, oh no!! Am just saying life is a bitch, you need to learn some loopholes. If you can lie through your pearly whites, for your own benefit-great for you. Trust me you work in the civil service this is a prerequisite to functioning in such an establishment.

9. Remember:
-Do unto others before it’s done unto you.
-Be nice at all times. A little courtesy will take you a long way.
-But in the same breath don't let people walk all over you.
-Revenge is a dish best served cold!!!

10. Learn to say NO!!! There's nothing more pissing than saying yes to something you already know you will regret to. Either rehearse excuses for possible scenarios or refuse bluntly....and remember fake that sincerity!!!!

So I better wind up here, before I start looking like those-know-it-alls that appear on Oprah. Having written books and look like an authority on life.
My verdict: Life is a bitch (.......and then you get married to one!!!) and you just have no idea!!!
Be warned and Be careful. It gets worse and better at the same time!

Tagged...Movies....

2005-05-25T10:50:00.000+03:00

Yaani, ati i got tagged by Soray. And all he has to say is 'chako!' Soray i hate them tags but since its you, i shall oblige.lakini tag me again and you'll know am on 'pax'

1. Total number of films I own on dvd/video:
in my younger days i'd dub left right and centre...got caught in the VCD phase and the DVD phase. So i'd say close to 60. some originals some copies of copies of originals.

2. The last film I bought:
got those shady 4in1's that had the entire American Pie trilogy

3.The last film I watched:
on screen: Kingdom of Heaven-am a big Ridley Scott fan. Oralndo Bloom is ok...but annoyingly i kept seeing scenes from Lord of the Rings...and u know u never compare a movie to Lord of the Rings-cause its unimaginable. so to say the least i didnt like it pretty much.
Tv:Mr 3000-what a waste.

4.Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
this is a dodgy one...i have fav films in different genres which i repeat constantly

-classic endings:would def be Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Memento, Seven
-spoofs: Scary Movie(can't get enough of that one) Not another teen movie. Naked Gun. Lampoon Vacation movies
-Comedies:Mr's Doubtfire. Rob Schneider Movies
-trilogies: Lord of the rings, Godfather...just start anywhere stop anywhere
this is an open ended question for me...i'll stop here

5. Tag five people and have them put this in their journal:
i'll tag the newer members and watch em tag older members of KBW...so in the true spirit of tapo: Kari, Farmgal, Wg-K,Shiroh,Kipepeo ni chako!

Back in School Moments: Pri

2005-05-19T18:33:00.000+03:00

When they said “Son, your best days in life are in school!” they knew what they were talking about. It’s funny how we forget the little things that were part and parcel of us back then. It’s even more amazing how we ever acquired those traits in the first place. Am sure psychologists wouldn’t even have a clue, on the nitty gritty of childhood-especially with influence from school. Now during one of my therapy sessions, retrograde memory flash back I uncovered some memories that made me-to put it simply-smile. So I cordially invite you to smile along with me.

TOILET MOMENTS.
-“Please teacher can I go to the toilet?” to which the teacher breaks into a grammar session of the correct usage of the words ‘may’ and ‘can.’ At that time you are fidgeting form foot to foot…so obediently you try again…
-“Please teacher MAY I go to the toilet?” to which she smiles, happy with the correct term but answers, “NO! Wait for the bell!!!!”
-what was with the obsession of us guys writing vulgar (at that time ‘bad’) language. In my first Pri School we had this long urinal…and as u peed you’d read stuff previously written or drawn (by you or others)
-Speaking of peeing. Where on earth or rather who invented that style of peeing? Girls you will not understand this. But guys do you remember? No need to unbutton or unzip them shorts-just reach down under, over and about, and out-convenient and easy.
-In primary what was the big deal about taking a dump?

FOOD MOMENTS:
-Oh the competition of the best juice bottles.Form star wars, to non-breakable. To one that keeps liquids ice cold....
-We used to have food camps. A group of 3-5 friends would identify a tree in the field and that would be there camp. Members of other camps were not welcome nor could they swap food with ours.
-Couldn’t they have invented thermoses that didn’t make the githeri/ugali/stew thing reek as soon as you opened the top? There’d be that ‘psssss’ sound as gas escaped then followed by a pungent odour...and you’d mask your facial expression as you dug into the food with a spoon, cause you know mama knew best!!!

-So who said that if you crush crisps/chevra into tinier pieces you get so much more???
-There was also hot lunch/ or food from the dining hall…no one ever told me that Friday fish would be my downfall the following weekend.
-Nick Begs/Nick sharing/No-more-no-less phrases coined to those classmate beggars that always hounded you and you food
-Oh remember the rules of sharing sodas/juice
1. Drink through your sweater
2. No backfiring
3. Heck don’t touch the bottle with your funky lips.

TEACHER’S PET MOMENTS:
There are 2 kinds of these-the sweet ones like lil Nicky, and the evil malicious minions of Lucifer. What’s the difference? The first kind (ME) is the type the teacher wants to adopt and take care of for the rest of their lives-whereas the second type-are those evil malicious….told on you like it was in vogue.

-“teacher, I heard Nick saying ART, stands for another rotten teacher!”
-“teacher, Nick broke his flask!”
-“teacher, Nick was copying my answers!”
-“teacher, Nick was talking and throwing papers!”

EVIL I TELL YOU.

PERSONALITY MOMENTS:
-the cool ones that showed you how to bounce and were a hit with all the girlies.And the hot chicks, that wore perfume and dared to chew gum!!!
-the really dumb kids in class. This was really mean-but face it they were dumber than 2nails.
-the fat ones-yeah right it was just the fat one
-the really thin fast ones. Agile, flexible-admired by the girlies. Hated by the fatties.
-the pumped ones: called first bodies!!! Ever so willing to arm wrestle or bully
-the geeks/geniuses: that had heavy vocab like “rumor-mongering,” “back stabbing,” “contemplating” Oh and they never were number 1-5 but damn it they knew there stuff.
-the smart ones: now these were number 1-5. Gifted sons of….

P.E MOMENTS:
Boy being the fat kid in school was torture.
Heck changing in and out of uniform was torture.
Ha, and what’s with the fact you couldn’t find a floater that could go round my soggy midsection. So I had to get one of those that went halfway round. Picture this: Nick-std 2, cute lil blue (non-Calvin Klein) with a white stripe swimming costume with a black dinosaur floater, waddling in and out of the pool!!!

Torture was everywhere, be it Games or Swimming:

“LET’S WAIT FOR NICK TO FINISH”

Physical torture: the finishing
Emotional torture: the waiting
Mental torture: the fact that you can actually discern the above two

CHEAP MOMENTS:
-In Junior English Comprehensions Homework. I never did question 6 or 7. Would always hand in 9 questions instead of 10. HA! and got away with it.
-I actually handed in a book report, in which I was very honest in explaining how I didn’t remember the character’s name but nonetheless continued explaining what it was all about. THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS SET YOU FREE.
-At one time I used to think “It’s as clear as Brystal.” What the fuh?
-I’d actually write compositions with Frank and Joe Hardy as the main characters. “Frank and Joe were in Class …then the bell rung went out for break. They saw Maina in the climbing frame and they shouted at him to get down…”

GIRL MOMENTS:
-for a period girls were evil. We’d brand them as ‘POISON!’ As Dexter would say they have cooties? Sitting with them was torture. Talking to them was taboo!
-but they’d be so sweet and kind and let you borrow there novels, homework…heck they’d be kind to tell you “Nick Blow your nose!”
-and then they evolved and started asking for your number, and you’d shy off. They’d insist and you'd giggle (who’s the girl here?) …and at home time your bag has mysteriously disappeared and you search 20minutes for it only to find it in the same place you had left it. Reason: they went into your bag into your school diary and retrieved your number. Smart don’t you think.
-Oh the first time u got called by a chile/chick-jumping Jupiter’s.
-Got a note from one- icha wa-wa (Ewoks style!)

MOVIE MOMENTS:
Be it at Mid-term and Friday-borrowing tapes from your video lib was justice to a school going kid.

That was the time of Herbie goes …, BMX bandits/kids, Superman, Wonder woman, Super girl/boy, Tarzan, Police academy, James bond, Carry on…. Movies.
Ngai-akina No retreat No surrender, Death before Dishonor, Kickboxer, American Ninja, Missing in Action, Delta Force, Bruce Lee….

Ah Sigh!!!

Nick meets Ms K

2005-05-14T08:29:00.000+03:00

Finally the Spiderman met Lisa Simpson yesterday. This is the third blogger I have met so far and am still counting. This was the first female blogger I’ve met, and she ain’t bad at all. and as you read the rest of the post you will see why the pleasure was all mine....

Venue:
Nbi West

Time:
Yesterday Friday the 13th
1:00pm though Ms K reached at 1:47pm

Agenda:
1. To discuss territorial ground on Mshairi’s family. I was there first, hakuna cha stealing my thunder.
2. Swapping of desparately seeked DVD’s that Spidey had(courtesy of Patron Saint) that Lisa woulda killed for.
3. Lunch Date. Though she actually stood me up coming late and all. (Can u imagine first date and am kept waiting...could i be more of a loser???)
4. Any other business…cough cough cough

Initial Reaction:

Spidey: (seated behind his desk looking debonair…wondering where or what to look at in a deep, intellectual, reflective look.)
Lisa: (Elegantly walks in exhuding charisma.)
Spidey: (thinking inside) Wow!! Wowie!!! What a beautiful smile and a lovely pair of…er…teeth!
Lisa: (thinking out loud…and laughing out loud) Damn, You DO have a babyface!
Spidey: Drat!!!
Lisa: (Still pointing and laughing. Short of falling on her back and kicking bicycle-kicks in the air while thumping her fists by her side. Am talking about hysterical giggles. Tears rolling down her eyes, blurring her vision, I had to aid her to a chair. She’s choking in laughter…)
Spidey: (Dumbfounded and evidently not amused!)

Summary:
This babe is gorgeous.
This babe has one of those rich, creamy, husky voices that Toni B/Anita Baker/Ja Rule would envy to have. Not too raspy to clean an oven but hoarse enough to make you wanna listen out for more.
Of course she swore( a.k.a choke-hold) me to secrecy not to reveal anything else. However we decided to blog about it so you could read her version as well.

Endearing traits:
-she had me pinned to enough eye staring contests.
-she has this thing of lookin looney with her eyes. She makes them go round like some cartoon character-totally sweet!

Questions she asked: How old are you? Are you Single? Are you the first born, middle or last? What you do for fun?

Answers she replied: That’s OMAR calling, so stop staring at me that way! No, I will not lend give you my “da vinci code” novel. No, we cannot meet again! I shall from now on live vicariously through you!

Insults she hurled: You’re sweet and cute!!! (pass me a vomitus bucket!)

Did I make an impression?: Hell yeah!!
-I had her laughing at first site. (You’d think that would shatter my self esteem-NOT with what am paying my therapist!)
-she stifled a yawn just once.
-glanced at her watch just twice
-during one of my many stories she read the newspaper and even asked for a pen to do the crossword!
-offered to escort her to which she adamantly refused “PASS me my damn DVD’s.”
ok am kidding, she was like “No, no,no…don’t bother, am just fine. This has been lovely…have a nice life!”

Meeting again: You better believe it. So my ego insists.

Musically Funny

2005-05-07T08:05:00.000+03:00

Guys are usually subjected to enough male bashin songs...apparently we don't:
-Act right!
-Love right!
-Make love right!
-Write cheques right!
-Have credit right!
-do anything right

But despite those endless cheap shots in songs,those lyrics leave me in stitches...

-just listened to an old song by en vogue and i had to laugh. Yaani, chicks have been dissin us guys way before "no scrubs" and "bills bills bills" This song is just too funny. There's a bridge that went "never gonna get it,never gonna get it, never gonna get it...my loving...not this time"

ati " maybe next time u'll give ur woman some lil respect, so u won't be hearin her say...never never gonna get it(x4)..had ur chance to make a change..." i'm not picturing Wamaitha singin that song to me. Am seeing her bluntly saying, "Haiya ni haku!" as she packs her luggage and re-assigns me to do the milking and cooking... she bundles lil Nick Jnr on her back and storms off.....wait a minute what is that tune she is whistling????

-u gots to have a J.O.B if u wanna be with me:whatever happened to true love? can't we all just get along? With or without cash...who said u can't raise kids on love

-There was Whitney's "my name is not susan!":and your point is? didn't Tyrese put it right when he said "...why u wanna trip? How u gonna act like that... u know we be makin love, breakin stuff..that ghetto love!!!" Cammon sweetie, quit playin? Why of all times is the name 'Susan' buggin you now? You know u look like a Susan! Kwanza a ka-Suzie-you pretty young thang'

Haiya ni haku!!!!

-Ruffneckby mc lyte:By the time i was through with that song i was thoroughly insecure about my manhood/manness/ruffneckness. Could u talk about us with some respect? We have some feelings you know? Why u wanna talk like am a 83kg piece of meat

-Ms Badu had ati "u better call tyrone and ask him t hellp u come and get your shit!!! but u can't use my phone!!!...damn that's just cold! Colder than your idea of cheap foreplay!!!Colder than all those nights i spent alone while u were out there earning US some dough?

-Superwoman.( i have always loved this song) "...now u say the juice is sour..it used to be so sweet and i...i..can't help but to wonder if ur talkin bout me....." woiye lets give this chick a hug and flowers. I feel her pain "...i fight my way thru the rush hour tryin to make it in time for u..."
Woiye-Tomorrow AM wakin up early-and i'll put YOUR breakfast on ur table...but the dishes are on you!!!!!!

-Straight up:Paula Abdul.... As in the dame is tellin us jamaas 'tujipange', jo!!!!' "straight up now tell me is it gonna be u and me together..oh oh oh..or are u just having fun!!!!! Whatever happened to playing hard to get...numerous inuendo's...just rolling with the tide?

-Freak like Me:Adina Howard...."I need a freak in the morning freak in the evening!" Talk about demands. I may be young looking, but i ain't young no more! I ain't no machine! The whole multiple orgasm theory is lost on the male species....whatever happened to hugs and kisses and buying y'all chocolate and flowers? And talkin of freaks..how come u don't entertain my idea of biting? ice? telephone wire?

-One minute man by Missy: Excuse me? You better enjoy that mindblowing SIXTY seconds of pure unadulterated loving...bearin in mind we're on a commercial break and 24 is about to return....beep beep beep... Take it or leave it?....Either that or YOU can Call Tyrone and ask him to come help u get ur shit!!!

-Shy Guy by Diana King: I don't want no fly guy, i just want a shy guy. Hol' up! Damn it am a fly shy guy last time i checked. 2 for the price of one...but she goes ahead and says that she doesn't want no ruffnecked man....ok now am confused between her and mc lyte what's a brother supposed to do????

To all those female musicians out there keep us entertained. We're male and we can't help it!

Haiya

2005-05-04T20:44:00.000+03:00

Yaani am beginning to love this freelance style of writin. Honestly, i do have something in the works. But until then...

So, in the same newly acquired spirit

1.I am honored and flattered but honestly am not bloggin as Lucy/Roocy/Loose-say...and no am not disowning but to quote Jill Scott...i better back down before i get smacked down i better chill

On the same topic, I actually think her actions were to say the least, uncouth! If, at all she has a point,with her powers of FIRST LADY she could diplomatically put the press in place. If her war is with the media...surely she can tackle that headstong with non-ghetto manners!!! She can even use the same media to her advantage...i mean doesn't she have political advisor???(Too much West wing)...She shouldn't stoop down/or in her case rise up to the level she did. From shoving,confiscating items, holding people at ransom, hurling cheap insults( "ati who are u? do u even have university degrees, like my children?"), slapping, not forgettin that high pitched voice...she should know better. Quite frankly i expect better.

moving on...

2.However, i have thought of bloggin as some one else. I mean its workin great for Ms K
But she's honest about it...my question is how many people out there are bloggin as two people?? hmmm(cue the X-Files theme music....)
3.Speakin of which...on Sunday Night she posted her real picture and within hours she removed it.
Trust me fellows-she is all that and the Kenya Times!!! Grrr!!! Grrrrrr!!! Yaani, a ka-hottie! Ka-supuu! the kind u wanna take home and introduce to mummy and say "...see,what did i tell u? she is really beautifull...and pretty...even without her two lower teeth!"

Now being cunning, self-proclaimed KBW Bad-BOY, i saved the picture which has her pretty name on it as well.
Would u want to see it posted here as well? Trust me you'd wanna see our hot Ms K!

Blogi wiki hii

2005-05-01T08:49:00.000+03:00

-am wondering how much change my blog is going thru. i'm receiving quorum complaints( ati just 1) that the tone has changed...no longer nutty and witty as before. well trust me the real nick is somewhere deep inside waitin to come up wit a good post...am tellin u this inspired works of arts take their time-u cant push michaelangelo to work his magic....yeah right i've hit a mental-blog-block vibayas..its not even funny

-i got comments from the Pope and our first lady, Lucy. I love political clout...ebu uguys hook me up with a decent job position. I asked the ?pope? to give me a shout at mass....as for ?lucy?...i dare not say anything-baring in mind my name is all over this blog!!!!

-Someone told me(don't ask who)that kymmbr's first name starts with 'I'....oh and btw we're still waiting for that transition my man.

oh and don't ask me what's my obsession with finding out all kbw's names

-at work i had a patient come to enquire our fees and after i explained everything to her she went "...and who will do the root canal?" hmmm.... i looked at my coat, looked at her, was about to yell 'your mama' but settled for "what do u mean?" To which she giggled at her own amusement, hesitated but nevertheless asked "Er...have you finished, school? "
Trust me, for that comment, she shall be paying a whole lot extra. For crying out loud-give a smooth faced brother-a flipping break!!!

-Am still yet to start thinkin about the kenya blog awards...ebu u guys start unleashin names-suggestions for possible titles...am workin logistics out wit KBW admin...or rather they are waitin for me to get my act together.(and deno hakuna cha ku-hijack my idea again)

-i've come to realise i miss the blog wars. in retrospect there was one wit jere and soray about "hero." and of course the most recent one MJY and Daud...and Guess and Ms K are also walking a very fine line

-to put it as lay and plain as possible i had a boil up the inner linning of my lower left eyelid. felt like a pebble scratchin with every motion of the eyeball. its quite irritating...its all healed now.

-went to nyeri outspan on tuesday night-had the most glorious and sumptuous mixed grill dinner i've had all week. yaani the meats(chicken, mutton, beef, goat...) well done..tender and spicy(that should be the name of a music group-well done,tender and spicy)...cartilages ever so soft...by mornin i was still burpin out spices. And best of all no food poisoning!!!!!

-discovered that with XP u dictate to your microsoft-office and so far this is workin out great

Well since i'm bila post today let me link you wit a lil flash from my past :
-Nick/s Names

-The First Time!!! (torments) was right this may have been my funniest post....when i was younger and talented....oh memories

Death

2005-04-23T21:00:00.000+03:00

We carry on in our lives almost assuming immortality. We seldom think, that one day, death will become us. We live life, each day as it comes and the funny thing is we are so unaware at the possibilty of today being the last time you sleep. Today, could be beginning of a spiralling downfall to your end. As morbid as the topic maybe, I can't help but post about it. Surprisingly, am overwhelmed by the thought of death. We've all had relatives, friends, colleagues who've passed away...and there is that difficult emotional pain....the sympathy and empathy...but we've always been on the outside lookin in. It's always been THAT person passing away.

Am sure we're all grateful for life. But, have you ever thought of what your death will be like. How will we depart? Will it be an accident, illness, homicide, suicide(not with the way my shrink is working overtime)...of all the things we can control in our own lives-death is not one of them. Death is superior. We are defenceless! Ignorant! Clueless!

Will it be re-incarnation? Will it just be eternal darkness-like a bulb going off forever? Regardless of religion, seriously, what is the vision of hell and heaven, if they exist? No, this is not a philosophy debate, but yeah- what if they didn't exist or they did? Of course, hell is more than burning and licking flames. Surely, by the third day you'll be used to that scorching heat! So, what's GOD'S true in-depth meaning of HELL?!?! or HEAVEN for that matter. What comes after we breath our last breath?! There is death after life, but is there life after death?!

Anyway...of more interest what will it be like back here on earth....

-do u realise that u have already taken the picture that shall be posted in ur orbituaries? or will have by then...
-do you have a preference as to what picture will be posted? everytime you take a passport picture has it ever hit you this could be the one that will inform of your funeral arrangements!
-who will read your eulogy?
-what will they say? have you led a worthy life?
-who will attend your funeral?
-who will be sad you're gone? and i do mean genuine vale/litres of tears?
-what influence will your demise have on other's life? what impact are you to your friends ?
-what will happen to your blog? will people know you're long gone or they'll assume that your too busy or chilling to garner maximum comments
-you in the coffin? smirk? favorite suit and tie? make up?(for the ladies)
-who will be your pall bearers?
-who will be the first to know that you are gone?
-what will your name be associated with? what memories will be induced with the mention of your name? What reputation or spirit will you name be proceeded by?

So many unknowns. So many questions that we shall never know the answers to-until its time. Time to understand the complex mysteries of the world. What is the true meanin of life...and worse still the true meaning of death. We cannot fathom either till the very end! realise our full

So as each we live each day, lets ponder for a few seconds...1mississipi, 2mississippi, 3mississippi...

-who will be affected
-how and why will they be affected
-and more self centredly...what will happen to me

In death we shall realise our full circle!

BadBoy or MR Nice

2005-04-18T15:53:00.000+03:00

I heard an interesting email conversation with a fellow blogger and she asked me this question "Are u as nice in real life as you are on your blog!" To be quite frank i was a tad disappointed...cause i thought i was really Bad up in this BLOG! kumbe!

i'd like to point out, am not your average nice guy(dare any one say am more than average!) Am rotten to the core-bad to the bone....b-b-b-bad....bad to the bone!!!!

yeah i may look angelic,at times u may even hear the harps and violins playing as i pass by..but damn it am not a NICE GUY!!!!

here are examples of my not bein nice:

-remember when u sneezed and i didn't say 'bless you' on purpose!
-remember when i dulled all the sharp pencils in your set.
-remember the blog war? remember the casualties...oh...lets not even consider the collateral damage?
-remember how i'd break curfew and go home late in the wee hours of 7pm
-remember how i always used to say i have not done my homework when i'd clear all of it
-how bout when am driving and adamantly refuse to indicate
-puttin my feet in the booth infront at the movies
-not tipping waiters
-remember when i put chilli in your hot dog when u were not lookin? and u almost cried
-remember when i cut ur hair wit scissors in nursery school
-when i refused to show or share my break wit you.i just said NO!!!(even though it was weetabix...and u probably wouldnt have wanted that soggy mess anyway...i still said NO)
-when i stole ur bigger packet of chips gave u my smaller ones. spat on the bigger ones...and run/waddled off with them...tripped and spilled them all on the floor
-kicked u in the balls for always comin after the fat kid when playin british bulldog. u went on your knees and i was free...though still got caught in the game
-oh and you school bully! remember how u frightened me and threatened me and warned me not to report u? remember what i did?!?! yup bad to the core-i run to the class teacher like a lil biAtch and reported ur sorry ass. weren't u humbled runnin round the school?
-how bout all those primary school chicks i'd call 'changing' my voice sayin it was another classmate....and u sweetly played along even when i was the obvious butt of the call
-how about the class i punished by tellin them to copy out an entire chapter of a certain book(without knowing it was 30pages long) ha....weren't ur parents mad as hell...sayin how they even helped write the punishment and entire family couldnt finish the punishment...ha ha ha...and like 10 families called the headmaster complainin of unjust punishment....ha ha ha
-remember when i played practical joke on the 2 of u...told her u like her, told u she likes u..set u up on dummy date...made fools of you...and now on your third year of marriage...don't u agree am b-b-b-ad!!!
-when i told ur mum during dinner at the table u were pregnant and i laughed my head off... then the joke backfired a month later cause u really were!!!...and so was she!!!
-when we kissed and our teeth knocked...and for some freaky reason i liked the sound and impact and i kept going for them over and over...and u dumped me...and i still went for that last knock goodbye!!!!!!
-when i said u had a speck of rice on your teeth when in essence it was spinach
-when i dumped you by indirectly tellin others i was no longer interested-don't underestimate the power of gossiping friends...and then i came crawling back
-when i diverted all my calls to your phone and for some reason my calls weren't coming thru the phone would just hung...
-when i stole ur porn mag and u have no idea where it went
-how bout your lil sister...we shall not go there
-how bout how i handle ur cd's with disrespect.touchin the under surface
-oh and video libraries...not returnin new covers. heck i even open them up and steal extra reel of tape-trust me its just a matter of cut and paste...no wonder my home collection is heavy

Now in essence don't u agree:
1. am a bad ass-muda-NOT
2. True definition of geekazoid may actually be me
3.That screw badboy or mr nice am just happy being me
4 That the medication am on from the previous post may not be workin
5.Nuuuurrrrrse!!!!!!!!!

The above piece of writing has been entirely fictional. Any similarity or resemblance to actual events or persons is entirely coincidental...or DOWN RIGHT unfortunate.