Friday, May 27, 2005

Life: 101

Welcome class to Life Academy. My name is Sgt Life. I am the best teacher, and i show no mercy!!!! I'll teach you more than any Ivy League establishment!!! Teach you more than your mama ever can, could, will -so don't you give me that lip saying "my mama told me life's like a box of chocolate!!!" I'm meaner than any venereal disease, and trust me my scars don't heal as easy!!!! Harder than a constipated pregnant rhino patiently waiting to see a dentist! Tougher than any girl at a discount store sale! By the time I'm through with you, I will have earned your respect, and you will know who your bitch is! I will humiliate you, violate you, turn you upside down, inside out-and you will have to take it like the pansy ass pussy that you are!!! Gear up; you're in for a ride!!!

Boy, don't we all wish we attended such an institution where 'Life' was all ready to teach us and all we had to do was listen hard and take notes. Many will argue, "But that will take out all the joy out of life!?" Sure that's true, life has had its good moments, but when the going gets tough it gets rough and bumpy. There are things you learn the cold hard way. So hard it almost changes you for life-heck, redefines you right to the core. All cause of a certain experience. All because u learned it on your own naive/innocent/ignorant self

1.Death: regardless of what you people say or write about. Nothing can ever compare to losing a loved one. There are no words that can explain what one goes through...it's just one of those things that when life deals you lemons-you swallow them whole!

2. Me myself and I: Only life can really tell you who you really are and what you are made of. Have you ever asked yourself 'who am I?' Many have written books on how you have the potential to reach great limits. Many claim that our brains are full of untapped potential...further stating, that we use less than 5% of our grey matter.
But how come no one discusses the potential that we all have to self destruct! Yaani, the greatest critique is none other than ourselves...you think others can make you depressed-think again! We are our own enemy! You are the reason you are in a lousy mood! You are the reason you think you are a failure! You are the reason you think you are unaccomplished, unfulfilled, unhappy! It is you who set those high standards and it is you who has failed to achieve it! So whether you are happy or suicidal-life has simply given you the stage to act out your drama. Think of what a suicidal person is actually thinking as he plummets 20 floors down. A bulimic patient throwing up after every meal because they think Food is forbidden pleasure. An anorexic starving themselves to death because to them being fat is ugly. Sure they are labeled Psychotics-but what do you really know! What demons lie in us that can inhibit and inhabit our very souls? Who am i?

3. Friends: Oh yes. Remember back in the days when you had a best friend...and they'd be interchanged in a heartbeat. "You're no longer my best friend; Ken is my new Best Friend!"
Gradually friendships evolved in meaning. They became people who you shared experiences with and secrets...you enjoyed each others companies and became inseparable.
But soon you came to realise that these same friends later let you down like you wouldn't believe. You'd have sold your soul to the devil to help your buddy out-but as Life would have it they show you their true colors. Many are users! Many only want your friendship when it’s beneficial to them. Friendships for convenience! Friendship for association!
Don't trust easy!

4. Cash: Whoa! This is a tricky one! Lending cash to relatives, friends... my motto 'Lend cash you are willing to lose' Sometimes if you lose a friend over cash-it may have been a small price to pay!
Trust me if you are smart; pause. And think of 5excuses right now that you'd use to avoid lending out cash. Memorize them. And when that nag comes a begging you will already be prepared. Think early, think now. Cause usually you end up lending someone cash, even when you know better, simply because you were unprepared and didn't know how to get out of it!!!

5. Relatives: Whatever you do-DO not make the mistake of living with relatives. Am not talking about siblings shacking up, or cousins shaking up. Am talking about you moving into a different household where they are doing you a favor....Ain't no sunshine when you're around. Regardless if you were close as hell before there will always be uncomfortable tensions and expectations that you could do without.

6. Love: Love hurts. Love is worth giving it another try. Love brings out the best and worst of you....and surprisingly Love doesn't and shouldn't cost a thing.

7. Humor: If you ever need a mask to hide behind-that's it! If you ever need a friend that helps lighten the situation-that's him! If you ever need a device to bring out the best of everyone.... A medium through which you should view the whole world...that's it. If there's anything that can conquer life-Humor is it!!! So how bout that Sgt Life?!?!?!?!

8. Sincerity: This is a tough one. They say sincerity is the mother of invention-right? Screw that, if you can fake sincerity YOU have it made!!! No, am not saying be a hypocrite, oh no!! Am just saying life is a bitch, you need to learn some loopholes. If you can lie through your pearly whites, for your own benefit-great for you. Trust me you work in the civil service this is a prerequisite to functioning in such an establishment.

9. Remember:
-Do unto others before it’s done unto you.
-Be nice at all times. A little courtesy will take you a long way.
-But in the same breath don't let people walk all over you.
-Revenge is a dish best served cold!!!

10. Learn to say NO!!! There's nothing more pissing than saying yes to something you already know you will regret to. Either rehearse excuses for possible scenarios or refuse bluntly....and remember fake that sincerity!!!!

So I better wind up here, before I start looking like those-know-it-alls that appear on Oprah. Having written books and look like an authority on life.
My verdict: Life is a bitch (.......and then you get married to one!!!) and you just have no idea!!!
Be warned and Be careful. It gets worse and better at the same time!

15 Comments:

Anonymous Mama JunkYard said...

Serious Nick is back eh? I actually prefer serious Nick - your deep posts are always such fun to read. Ok thats enough nice stuff...

1. I made it here first

2. How on earth did A. Mshairi agree to adopt such a foul mouthed person? I hope she cleans your mouth out with bleach.

3. I am not sure what family tree you were looking up but I thought necessity was the mother of invention...ama that was a joke that I didn't get?

4. As for a person being their own worst enemy...yes and no. Sometimes we do put ourselves down and set obstacles in our way but sometimes other circumstances/people/things get in the way.

5. Those are not true friends then. I can honestly say that everyone I have referred to as a friend has never used me etc etc etc.

6. I agree with 100% about being nice to people

7. You should feel honoured that I graced your blog with my presence...do you know what time/day it is?

5/27/2005 9:36 PM  
Anonymous Mama JunkYard said...

Oh..one more thing as your blog wife I would like to let you know that until further notice you are relegated to sleeping in the dog kennel..

Why? Because of that whole life is a bitch and then you marry one...

5/27/2005 9:38 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

Dude i love this post. Kabisa. 'Serious Nick' they call you.
1.I made it second..hahaa

2. Death. Am wiht you on that. It totally shuts ppl off and all the other levels, coz each one experiences/handles it different

3.Friends. Yea no trusting easy, trusting equally is my strategy then working my way thru it.It works just great for me.

4.Cash, not really(ati lend what am ready to lose..aiii) zii yu guy lend to those u know will give it back, the few real/true

5.Relatives, am with u on this one . DON'T live with relatives(xtended family)-(nuclear is aiit!-def), anything else but donn sleep and wake up under the same roof with them daily.Something just comes up and you rub each other the wrong way.

6.Love, it hurts. It should never cost a thing. NEVER!

7.Humor. She who laughs,lasts. Crack me up and we are buddies.

8.Sincerity. Yes, we have to be honest/truthful/real/no lies. Let it come from within or fake it till you make/get it.

9.Remember. Revenge donn always work right and most times solves nothing, leave it to God. Treat others right. Do unto others what you expect to be done to you. What goes round comes round. Its a karma world!

10.' No'. Yeah, learn to say YES to saying No. NO!

The post was super Gich-boy.

5/27/2005 11:18 PM  
Anonymous Memoire said...

Woah Nick, cynicism a-go-go here is it? I agree about the trust thing, pour moi it takes a long, long time to trust someone, I'm like a computer firewall set on alert... On the self-destruct one nafikiri the world is the self's worst enemy, it's like a cage, and many times people want to be who they want to be but who stops them? The dunia does.

5/28/2005 5:34 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

Nick, all I am saying "I am cutting this and putting it up a wall near me"
Great post...

5/29/2005 1:49 AM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

Nick I love the post lakini let me comment on one point only ....ama two

The quickest way to loose your friends -lend them money. I am kicking myself coz either I never learn or am never prepared.

Mama J I hope you let Nick stay in the dog kennel for a while.

5/29/2005 2:00 PM  
Anonymous Mama JunkYard said...

I even forgot to congratulate you on the justified margins..you are out of the dog kennel

5/29/2005 7:25 PM  
Anonymous aunt mshairi said...

I knew you had it you to come up with such profound and well-thought out pronouncements. Excellent! Oh, and ignore MJY - she is just jealous :)

One other thing I would add to the list is integrity. Very necessary and very important, IMO.

5/30/2005 2:05 AM  
Blogger LifeMoments said...

My friend once said,"Life is a school and the events are the teachers"..

Ps: I can see you have become a kj! nice margins...

5/30/2005 12:38 PM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

Nicko your analysis is quite deep.
2. Many wil never understand why one whatever they do and i agree, if we did we would stop criticizing people right, left and centre.
3.Did you just say friends?
4. i don't lend cash maybe to my boss..i could
5.relatives...Maybe for a night when you are still looking for somewhere to put up the following day.
6.Love...i have been hurt a million times but i still believe in ...
7.Humour any day
8.Sincerity..very hard to meet sincere people ,selfishness and psychophancy takes priority
9. Best lesson you will ever learn from Nick
Cheers i hope i didn't blog on your blog.

5/30/2005 8:48 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

no. 5...oh so true...
about love, thats the way it should be and not any other way...great job nicky boo..

5/31/2005 10:05 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/31/2005 10:19 PM  
Blogger Wangari said...

hey nick,
cynical post lakini sooo true!!
i am with you on the living with rela's and not lending money points.
not soo much the friends - i dont think i would be where i am today if it wasnt for my friends.. lakini there are those who... wacha tu!

6/01/2005 12:32 PM  
Blogger LifeMoments said...

"Life is the art of being well deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted"

6/02/2005 9:08 AM  
Blogger Prousette said...

Cash; relatives; self and love all true to a point but marrying life or bitches?

6/08/2005 3:08 PM  

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