Friday, August 12, 2005

Sleeze News: Blog War II

"Good evening this is Mutush with the breaking blogging news. War had been declared...again! This time Nick vs a self proclaimed veteran who comes with plenty of age(by the kilo) and experience. So far our sources have no understanding of the origins of this war. All we have is unconfirmed rumors that the Poet did not appreciate being called old! He detests being reminded that 'four decades' is an age and not some singing sensation. Sources say that he detests the vibrance and youth that Nick represents and exudes. On the other hand, Nick doesn't appreciate certain insinuations that the Poet declared all Kikuyu Men to be poor lovers! Adding insult to injury the Poet has even declared himself the Blog-Cassanova, and even challenged the female fans to choose between him or Nick. Once again, we repeat we have not confirmed the authenticity of these allegations, but it is certain that war has been declared and the first low punch has been delivered by the Poet going by the name Papa Smurf! Will this be a battle of egos? Will it be youth vs nursing-home proximity? Will it be a battle of who the ladies like? Will it be a battle of kikuyu's vs kamba's? Only time can tell.

We are joined by our fellow reporter, reporting live form the boxing arena situated outside Poet's hometown at a local social hall. I hear the air is filled with tension and excitement. Fans are being welcomed with sumptuous Muthokoi in multi colored plates. Typical short kamba men irate with their sterotypical hot-tempers arguing everywhere selling tickets left right and centre. Locals obviously supportin their man Papa Smurf-but having great difficulty pronouncing/articulating his name;phonetically and without sounding like they are singin. They have declared him the obvious winner. In fact the whole town's population of uneducated mohines have left their workstations and are present in droves. Goats have been spared of milking. They have all rallied behind their poet! The poet who in his old age has resorted to writing pornographic poems-hence the coining of the phrase Blue Poet! Does he practice what he preach? Is he a stud as he says...or is he just full of hot air! Do we chose to believe that at his age he surely isn't dysfunctional...and that actually he can go the war and otherwise? We shall soon find out!

Apparently some bloggers are attending the fight as well, most not siding with anyone yet...but are there for a cheap thrill. For more details lets turn over to our reporter Lequitta."

Live Feed From The Arena

Mutush:Lequitta can you hear us?
Lequita:Hey Mutush I can hear you loud and clear. Am telling you the air up in here is all nasty!
Mutush:Is the violence that bad?
Lequita:No, I'm just talkin bout a grumpy old man, in speedos and his butt crack showing...deng that's plain nasty!!!! Word of advice gramps doesnt matter if you're the greatest lover-don't flaunt it, hide it!!!....and hide it well too!!!
Mutush:How bout the other contestant Nick?
Lequita:He be wearing some spiderman costume but he looks pretty alright. I wouln't mind getting tangled up in his web if you gets what I'm saying my brother. However speculations say that he is not making any statements yet...he's just going straight for the fight. He feels the old man has had a good deserved head-start.
Mutush:Who looks like the favorite to win?
Lequita:Its too early to say. On one corner we have a brother sayin he can last 12 rounds as he does in the sack...he is pulling some sweet vibe how he like wine and shit. How with age he be all better and stuff. Sure he's breathing a bit heavy, his gait a little sluggish, but he looks pretty confident. His succulent pot belly.... prominent forehead.... untrimmed nose-hairs...arrogant demeanour adds a little air of rugged musculinity, I must add! Trust me if i was a wild pig i'd bare him healthy piglets with pride!!!!
Mutush:And on the other side?
Leqita:Well, there's just Nick! Like I said its Old Sammedy Sam vs Spiderman.
Mutush:uh...ok...I understand you spoke to the Poet in the changing room?
Lequita:Oh yes I did. And he is full of fury. He be quoting movie lines and shit! Went to the extent of re-enacting matrix and calling Guess Trinity...he likened himself to Mr Smith. He has promised to bring down the so-called-spider chested Nick. Apparently he'll bring him to his knees...and yes... i quote him word for word..'I'll Delouse that Nick like Kipepeo is currently delousing her hair on her post'...can you beliee that he would say somethin that nasty to a sweet lil thang like that!"
Mutush:Did u make that up?
Lequita:Hell No! He is Ghetto! Thats what he told me-remember he thinks ALL the ladies in the house love him. He is huffing and puffing-nothing to do with his pace-maker...but the nigga be mad as hell!!!! Am telling you he so confused he doesn't even know he's own name!!! Is it KukeKamba? Blue Poet? Old Poet? Papa Poet? Papa Smurf? General Smurf? Am tellin you he better aks somebody! That's right he better Aks somebody!!!!
Mutush:Who are the other bloggers around.
Lequita:In fact... here comes MsaniiXL! wait a minute(as she turns away from the camera).....hey wassup its your girl lequitta here! Hey...remember me? Hey....huh!....OH NO he didn't. OH HELL FREAKING NO!!!! That hip hop brother just didn't ignore my fine ghetto fabulous self....oh thats so crazy and he darn flipped me the finger. I have never-not in the past 3 days anyway.....But wait here comes Akiey.(turning away again) Hey Akiey, Hey Akiey....hey wait...stop walking away....damn you're breaking into a sprint boy...promise i won't say anything more about you and Guess...DAMN! A sister can't catch a break up in here!!!! They avoiding me like I'm a kind of hood-rat without class. I gots Class!!!!
Mutush:Who else is there?
Lequita:Oh the fabulous 3 sisters are in the house.
Mutush:Mshairi, Nyakehu, Uaridi?
Lequita:Damn right and you know I aint gonna say anything nasty about them ladies! Lequita knows where to draw the line! And it's with these three-you don't mess with them thats fuh real!.....Ms K is also in the house looking very comfy with Milonare. S! is also in the house chewing and spittin pun and manikchand like his height depended on it!!! And you know that we got history till he left me for that heifer with the fake implants!!!! Surprisngly none of Nick's Wife, Mistress and Concubine have shown up? Poi is in the back ground making small talk with Prousette and Kymmbr. Kinyi just walked in....and is that Thinker strolling in?
...oh i see Nick emerging from the changing rooms let me go get some 411 and i'll hook you up with some feedback later....

Mutush: Ok thank You lequita. Lets turn to our other reporter who is live in UK with Farmgal

Live Feed From UK:

Njeri: It is a pleasure to be standing here with a fellow village-girl from the riverside back home, named Farmgal outside her new shop. Which I must say is just the bomb. I have never seen anything like this in all my life. Better than the best Deacons back home! Farmgal! Am impressed, Congratulations! This is clean, and neat....hey you must hook up your kikuyu sister like that! I want a good discount...even a job on the side!! Hii ni maendeleo sana!
Farmgal: (with a pinch of a tweng) Ah-sante sana, ni mayendeleo kidogo mdogo!
Njeri:Anyway lets discuss the issue at hand before you tell me if you sell second hand clothes?
Njeri:Yes! Tell us, who are you routing for in the war going on?
Farmgal:Its a tough call. Nick is a very dear friend of mine and...well on the other hand Poet has made a good order for i wouldn't like to spoil my business...especially now at the beginning.
Njeri:Diapers??? are you saying?
Farmgal:Yup, insisted on genuine comfort with super absorbablity!
Njeri:My word...why would he...?
Farmgal:Because i sell nothing but the best...
Njeri:I meant why would he want diapers...?
Farmgal:Because I stockl them and I only do fact there is a special offer...
Njeri:I meant what for?!
Farmgal:Who cares...he be paying top dollar! But you better hush on that!
Njeri:Hmmmm...And are there any other UK bloggers following this?
Farmgal: I hope so...cause here AT ANGEL'S WEAR we stock nothing but the best!!!
Njeri: I meant the war you silly woman!
Farmgal:Who cares about the damn war...wasn't this about my shop???

Mutush:Ok...there seems to be some miscommunication...lets have feedback from Tyrone over in Finland!

Live Feed From Finland:

Tyrone: This is Tyrone reportin live outside Kipepeo's domicile. May I add she be so fine she gave me a paper cut!!! Hot-Damn! At the moment she is currently on the phone trying to get her lawyers to sue Poet for defaming her fine-as-hell baby hair. Trust me guys its au naturale-without lice. She is heavenly like the butterfly she potrays. Oh and lets not mention them toes, I'd like to intertwine some toes oh!!! Damn, happiness is when i think of her and we be together and rendezvous. She'd be on time, I'd bring the wine, I'd lock the door, and she'd be all mine...BABAY BABAY! She makes me crazay! Whomp there it is! I wanna shoop babay! The dog-gone girl is mine, mine mine...
Mutush: Wait isn't that a Karen White Song??? ...and why u quoting songs???
Tyrone:What's your point? Player hater-just cause you all zitty and saving yourself doesnt mean i can't express myself,FOO!!!!! Can't a brada fantasize in peace! Why you all up in my grill!?
Mutush:Fair enough...anyway..what else has she to say?
Tyrone:She gives a big shout out to her beau Kanja...and wishes her Nickyboo victory. Quoting her " Take that Muikamba down!!!!" So that's all from this corner of the world. Its Tyrone chillin with the Finn's, rollin outta ma jeans, willin for some sins!!! Over and out!!!

Mutush: You heard it straight from us. We shall keep you informed on the War. So far Poet has come out fighting headstrong, taking no prisoners, talking the talk, limping the limp!! Age is not a factor, neither is his Kamba origin. What will Nick do? Does he stand a chance? Join as next when we see how this comes down!


Blogger Poi said...

HAHHAHAHAAHAHHA! Gich-boy the fight better be a joke coz without further a do they need to check your kahead make sure u r doing this in your right may be even have u sign some papers just in case smthing happens.

This is SUPER-HILARIOUS! I'm at work en honest dude I'm laughing like a joke, Its lunchtime en everyone is strutting themselves to the cafeteria..ROFTLMAO! Thanks to u for almost losing my bread...hahhaaa

I would love to anaylze ur post line by line en I kid u not, boy do I feel like doing it. Only I'd be posting on ur comment-window.So, the catches only...
'sumptuous Muthokoi in multi colored plates' bratha I got kao blood but Iz ok..hahhaaa(picturing orange, ellow, ngwin,bing(pink))

'he darn flipped me the finger'-so sorry for Shanniqwa..oops! ma bad-Lequita.

Kipepeo-girlfie those salaams to Kanja after the drama

Farmagal-ur shop! u better stock coz every1 darn know about it now and will try best possible to support u(esp after the air-time)lol

Loving the respect granted to the aunts-it don't get better!

Now, why would Akiey sprint??

Ati Kymmbr,E-red& I making small talk??..aiieee Gich-boy.

Loved the post. Great post this is!
p.s are tickets to the fight sold out coz a rowdy cheering squad wants to make a show!

Have a fab weekend!

8/13/2005 12:19 AM  
Blogger Poi said...

Oh, the glorious joy! of been NO.1 here.......tatattattatta

8/13/2005 12:21 AM  
Anonymous afromusing said...

yani too too good! This totally made my friday. Eh i want to be introduced tyrone, i like his hustle and flow!
"Its Tyrone chillin with the Finn's, rollin outta ma jeans, willin for some sins!!! Over and out!!!"

8/13/2005 1:25 AM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

Jayzuz - I have absolutely nothing to say - hell, I do have a lot to say. This is by far the most interesting, funniest, bloodiest, well written post I have ever, and I mean ever ever read. I woke up early for this Nick, and damn, man you delivered. This is hilarity with a capital T, sorry L, eerr.. whatever,I cant even spell now.

Nick, once again I question your insanity - that's right, not sanity - you baby are raw, like a sugarcane cubed...

I will come back and write something sane when I stop laughing...
Go Nicky go Nicky...
@Poi - "ellow, ngwin,bing" - that is just plain nasty gal LOL
I am still selling tickets, but seeing that this has hotted up, the price has gone up - take it or leave it!!

8/13/2005 12:12 PM  
Blogger kinyi said...

hehehe yaani its RUFF!
Nick wacha tu! I can't wait for the retaliation from Blue

"His succulent pot belly.... prominent forehead.... untrimmed nose-hairs...arrogant demeanour

and now that I've made my first cameo apperance...Hollywood/Lagos-wood/Bollywood here I come!

Tyrone rockz! "Player hater-just cause you all zitty and saving yourself doesnt mean i can't express myself,FOO!!!!! Can't a brada fantasize in peace! Why you all up in my grill!?

8/13/2005 1:21 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Gai fafa... ROTFLMAO and then some!! I echo Guess on this - This is by far the most interesting, funniest, bloodiest, well written post I have ever, and I mean ever ever read couldn't have said it better myself... ROTFLMAO to the power 5!

"No, I'm just talkin bout a grumpy old man, in speedos and his butt crack showing...deng that's plain nasty!!!! Word of advice gramps doesnt matter if you're the greatest lover-don't flaunt it, hide it!!!....and hide it well too!!!" - I almost died of laughter there - Eish...

Well-in Nick, well-in!!!!

8/13/2005 6:00 PM  
Blogger kashata said...

LMAO!!Kweli you have outdone yourself with this one.
I put my money on you for round 1

8/13/2005 6:09 PM  
Blogger akiey said...

The reporters are doing a wonderful job covering this "Thriller in Blogvilla"

-(Whisper..)Yo, Nick & all KB-Dubs, am writing this hiding behind & under seats(Thanks Guess for the VIP tickets, ur a gem & Lequitta missread the hugs I gave ya!), trying not laugh out loud as I read this major-funny take on the Blog Jihad bcoz am still avoiding that Lequitta (I have a history with her!).
-Ok Nick, this is so well put, I want to scream "Niiiicko Bumaye, Niiicko Bumaye!!" but Blue will deny me koroga since "Goats have been spared of milking".
Eti: Farmgal won't miss the bout but mistakes the interview for a promo for her bizness? Can't blame our fav girl coz she's been working too hard:))
Kipepeo, the Hiphop brothah giving Lequitta the finger!?,lol! am enjoying this too much.
-The shoutouts to the Aunts, wonderful! With family behind you, you're sure to win Nick!
@Poi, I sprinted from Lequitta coz like she says about herself: "I'm a kind of hood-rat without class."
Will be back, lemme find a comfy corner to watch the events, prolly next to Milo so I can update my sheng

8/13/2005 8:43 PM  
Blogger Wambui said...

ROFTLMAO! I cannot type for laughing.

@G: "you baby are raw, like a sugarcane cubed..." Brilliant!

I am taking bets...odds stand at 7-4, Nick to win...takers? Other odds once stop crying to see the screen...

8/13/2005 8:48 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

Nicki Darling! There is a psycho ward with your name on it and a pychiatrist with your medication! Very funny dear, remember turn around is fair game, I hope your ass is sufficiently covered for the butt whooping your going to get...and then again, maybe I should start placing bets...see who'll win :-) WRITE ON! Bro'

8/13/2005 9:30 PM  
Blogger Afromusing said...

[shyly] drawing silly stick figures in the sand with my foot, hands clasped together while giving a side glance and batting eyelashes.

Nick,dude you got me on that one. come to think of it i just handed that to you on silver duly warned people, his characters come to life[blog]!

8/13/2005 10:08 PM  
Anonymous edwin said...

wa wa wa !!! am just bila words...yaani this post is just super!
i dont need to think,heck am on ya side!
STING nick-boy!

8/14/2005 5:59 AM  
Blogger joani said...

hehe you is one funny dude, mr gichu ;)

8/14/2005 5:11 PM  
Blogger freak_engineer said...

niiice celebrity deathmatch tip-off!

8/14/2005 9:21 PM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

I am laughing loudly LOL would not be enough. ATI none of Nick' s wife, mistress or concubine had arrived . Wacha kututoa kwa plot hivo Nick

8/15/2005 8:45 AM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

Just because am busy kidogo will not say much, lakini I officially love blog wars, we should have more as long as am not being fired at. I am thinking to take sides with papa smurf on this one. hiyo chearing squad yako nick ni kubwa plus papa smurf has kulad lots of salt and is giving me business.

I love it that am in the soap nick, thagio sana!

8/15/2005 10:16 AM  
Blogger Prousette said...

Whatever it is you smoke/inhale drink/aspirate it sure is lethal.
My bet is on you as you have been slighted prove papa blue wrong though cannot vouch for you either from your brada's track records.. where is blue
Lakini could not help laughing hihihihi!!

8/15/2005 12:25 PM  
Blogger Wangari said...

what happened?
last time i was here it was all wendo with G and now its war with Blue - haiya!!
loving Tyrone though.. "why you all up in my grill"...hehehehehe

8/15/2005 12:46 PM  
Blogger Blue Poet said...

Young Man,

I received your letter asking for forgiveness. I am glad that you saw the light and are unwilling to continue with the war. It is not cowardice to realise ones limitations. I accept your truce and assure you may call on me any time and I will support you whenever you choose to fight anyone else.

Girls- Three cheers for Nick.


Your friend,


8/15/2005 1:34 PM  
Blogger wanduma said...

That was nice - 'Multicolored plates'!!
I'll be back to read some more for sure. Good stuff!

8/15/2005 5:06 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

ahh Nicko where do i start? ...LMAO you are seriously killing it with this post...funny funny.Old fart..oops Smurf fit in them speedos?

I hereby declare my self
Nicko fan club President!! and we are accepting members too join now!

talk about putting a hurt on a person

8/15/2005 6:37 PM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

@proussette he's inhaling lots of laughing gas!

8/15/2005 7:52 PM  
Blogger KymmBr. said...

yu are as funny as fuck kijana! hiyo kichwa comes up with some good stuff. too bad i was this late in yu'r blog. never again.
holy cow!! maze am laughing like sh**. blog wars. nick we rock with yu now and forever. lets go hit them again.this time tis for the money ma nigga.....

8/16/2005 12:22 AM  
Anonymous aunt mshairi said...

Seconds away, round 2! According to my count, the score is even, one for you nephew and another for the Blue Poet (I am trying to be fair but I know you will win this one easy).

8/16/2005 12:43 AM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

nick that was totally out of this world. Tooo hilarious and am dying but really what have you been smoking whatever it is keep it up and briong on more. THe case of we want anotehr one just like this one.
great work dude

8/16/2005 9:09 AM  
Blogger Luna said...

this is soo funny...hahha! a true battle indeed..Lequittas the best.."They avoiding me like I'm a kind of hood-rat without class. I gots Class!!!!"
and "Trust me if i was a wild pig i'd bare him healthy piglets with pride!!!!" wa wa waaa!
and then the best line..
"Fans are being welcomed with sumptuous Muthokoi in multi colored plates"- the kamba in me is catching feelings but its too funny not too laugh!!

8/17/2005 3:30 AM  
Blogger sandman said...

woooooi - unajua me and you are mortal enemies ever since I found spider webs under my girl's bed! Na jua ni wewe tu -and I'm sure that patch of red costume I found my doggy danger playing with came from somewhere around your butt. Wewe ngoja spiderman 3 itoke - I will show you how we kick ass sandman style. Papa smurf twanga yeye lakini usimalize - nibakishie kidogo.

8/17/2005 5:36 AM  
Blogger kipepeo said... comment disapeared!!! nick!! what happened?

8/17/2005 11:46 AM  
Blogger Medusa said...

Is this where I send my application for mistress#2?
You and I both know spiderman needs more than one

8/17/2005 10:24 PM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

@nick with you blog wife, mistress, concubine & more applications coming your way what will you my 'boda'do? i hope you are kulaing ugali kisaasawa.

Can all your women have a cat fight please!

8/17/2005 11:33 PM  
Blogger msangimdogo said...

Inabidi tuwe na kamusi za kuelezea namna kicheko cha furaha kinaandikika maana ingewezekana ningeandika hapa. Man!! Hii si mchezo

8/18/2005 12:27 PM  
Blogger s! said...

me i reserve my comments mpaka Daud El Rude makes his appearance here..

after all, si wawili ndio tunamjua fiti huyu mkora Nikorass

8/19/2005 6:55 PM  
Blogger Irena said...

Haha you made monday. God bless you child:-))))

8/22/2005 6:13 PM  
Blogger UARIDI said...

So the cease fire has been declared - I was ready to come and do my UN Peace Keeping thing - do not like the sight of blood.

8/23/2005 4:03 PM  

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