Friday, September 02, 2005

Anticlimaxes!!


You know those things that you thought were gonna be all that but reality happens and you realize-it’s no BIGGIE!

After KCPE:12/11/92
Promises had been made that we’d get buck-wild. Classmates had sworn to burn their books and uniform. Scream their cracking voices out loud. So what happens after we hand over our ARTS&CRAFT papers….NOTHING! Just went home like it was some ordinary day carrying our Leaver’s Certificate. I remember some chick quipping, “what do you mean by conduct-satisfactory! Academics-satisfactory!”
No biggie. I borrowed Terminator 2 and Horror movies and my holidays begun. It was the time I discovered that horrors could be an easy way of watching soft porn too! Though after Exorcist I took a break!

And the holidays???? Did we get extra crazy-NO! A time of songs like baby baby baby by TLC (remember the debate of who was hotter amongst the 3 of them), Heal the world by MJ, Humping Around-Bobby Brown, She’s playing hard to get-Hi-five. Nothing was new, all uneventful. Well…until…

The big cut: 29Nov’92
A few grammes lighter. No idea what the big deal was…couldn’t feel the apparent significant social/traditional transition. It wasn’t as painful (thank God for anaesthesia!) or as embarrassing as I thought it would be (yeah right-pure unadulterated violation!)
Points to remember:
-Gallivanting around the house in a ‘don’t touch a/the thing’ leso. It was a hung free week! With the weight of an anvil (you’d be surprised how much bandage can be applied!), one was careful not to elicit an oscillating movement afraid to induce an infinite pendulum motion!
-Peeing was almost an adventure. Cue the ‘chariots of fire’ music. Pick the piece delicately by the already stained bandage strand. Summon all muscles in surrounding environment to coordinate. Will yourself to pee! Wait…wait…radiating warmth…radiating pain…radiating warmth and pain. Wait…wait…finally a stream…then the stream forks-so it’s two or three streams…and if you’re are lucky they are streams in one direction! Funny smell-or is it the abstinence from the shower? Sighs of relief as the vessel isn’t leaking sideways! Drip…drip…drip…replace the piece delicately….remember thou shall treat it like some fragile priceless china!
-My cousin who had the cut same time as I did calling to ask if I was oozing pus??? LORD GOD!!!
-Going back for a suture and bandage removal a week later-and seeing new lil Nicky!
I was quite disappointed:
1. I had lost a mole! (Honestly I am still bitter on that!)
2. (Totally blonde) Was it like new? Or the same old version in less clothing? Would you like tan already?


Joining Uni: Sept98. No idea what the big deal was. What happened to freedom? A chance for intellectual growth? Discovering self? Classes were 8am-5pm every freaking day of each year…difference between that and high school was the uniform! Still had to suck up! Still had to cram stuff instead of inhaling and understanding. Survival was the game. I usually pass by main campus envying and wishing that I had been part of such an institution of higher academic learning. Those buildings are so inspiring…then it hits me been there done that. I graduated dumber and more ignorant than I was before.

Driving: 31/08/98 passed my driving test. I’d been itching to get my licence-Big whoopee! As much as it is fun driving(wind in your hair driving into the sunset with loud rock music)-try getting driven around. Screw balancing-and yes I’ve had of automatics-but frankly my left leg feels kind of left out??? Screw fighting with matatus for an inch of space! Screw traffic jams! Screw looking for safe parking. Or paying parking fees. Or the parking boys that you’ve formed a rapport with so that you find your ramshackle in one rusty piece after the movies! It gets worse when you’re the one fueling!

Getting a job: Nov’03 Boy aren’t things different when it’s YOUR money! In our case we waited 3 months before the salary first came so when it came we had plans…cash was spent only to realize you have cleared 3 months salary in 2weeks. Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
So you get yourself a bank account with aims of saving and to eventually watch your millions grow!...growing …growing…still growing…one year after, if your lucky your balance is still the same-BUT growing…Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
With money comes needs/responsibilities/obligations which lead to expenses which lead to priorities which lead to economizing and accounting which leads to sacrificing which leads to hatred …it’s all downhill!!!

Honey: mid 86. For somemisconstrued reason i thought honey was like the most delicious thing. I had never tasted it before-WAIT! Am talkin about honey the product from bees not that other honey! Which summarised would be CLIMAX=ANTICLIMAX or the other way around!!!Talk about a peak that wasn't a curve but a straight line wit a gradient of almost 1. Anyway back to the topic at hand..yeah poor kid hadn't tasted it only just seen it in jars. It had never occured to me that the reference of it being sweet was sweet as in sugary. Not delicious! Not finger licking good! So there I am opening the jar anticiapting a taste equivalent to:
-Wimpy's coleslaw
-Nyama Choma from Dagoretti Corner
-Kenchic chicken or New Stanley Chicken in the basket
-Mandy's Pan Fried Steak
-Strikes Breakfast special

But to my utter taste disappointment the freaking thing was just sweet! Talk about false advertisement!!! Heartbreak!

First encounter with ‘death’: Oct2000. Thought I was dying. Yeah it is kind of an anticlimax when you are so certain you are dying only to realize you were but a fool!

Had been losing weight that year. Looking anorexic is not synonymous with Nick. I used to be a turgid bundle of health! Well not this year. Belt size was less. Trousers sagging-it was like exfoliation and I was watching it happen!

In April I had a pure bout of dysentery! Forget common food poisoning with cramps, fever and the runs-ladies and gentlemen in dysentery you pass blood as stool. Not bloody stool-nope! Not traces of blood-nope! Not popping a vein from constipation-NOPE! Fresh frank blood-voluminous liquid, torrents, waterfalls, maji maji, I’m talking about peeing twice at the same time!!!!!
Surprise gender-prank periods-If ONLY!
Had I eaten some salad somewhere-NO!
Unboiled water-NO!
Contamination from microbiology lab-OF COURSE NOT!
Has this ever happened before-NO!

Later on had some unexplained rashes-though they were kinda cute and felt good scratching! Chicken pox-NOPE-had them in August ‘88 after a silly classmate decided to give the whole class a going away August Hol’s present!!!(may you itch in hell woman…where the sun don’t shine, where the rain don’t drop, where the fish don’t swim, where the leaves don’t fall and where the snow don’t land!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Last major symptom together with the rashes-unexplained diarrhea! Stops and comes again, stops comes again. As in, I’m talking about the same day. Pass normal stool in the morning, come afternoon runs! Come evening, normal!
Eating only from home-diarrhoea.
Not eating at all-diarrhoea.
Irritable bowel syndrome-maybe!
Worried-definitely. But trust me, I was suffering psychologically-you know the words- strumming my ass severally, telling my life with the signs… killing me softly with the rashes…killing me softly with the weight loss…

Dying? Er…uhm…well-giggle-I’m still here!

30 Comments:

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9/02/2005 9:50 AM  
Blogger Blue Poet said...

Ha!

First real person here.
That was a mediocre blog- you seem to have rusted a wee bit! Hhehehehh
(just kidding)

Welcome back kiddo.


Blue

9/02/2005 9:59 AM  
Blogger nick said...

mediocre i have never! You and Anonymous are also anticlimaxes in the blogger section!!! ha ha ha

9/02/2005 10:05 AM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

Nick bro you are a life survivor.. The cut part maze has rolled me ati your cuzo was askin you whether the puss is there what about your grand ma and your aunties they didnt come to see you and say....... can hold some mo laughetr for that..
Nice to see this...

9/02/2005 11:25 AM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

I am not quite sure whether laughing out loud is appropriate but damn - that cut biz was gross-out funny (Did we need to read that?).
Does this mean you are back to full-blog mode coz I sure have missed you babe!

Anyway, scary life experiences and anti-climaxes make us appreciate normal life more!

Nice to see you still have a modicum of humour attached!

9/02/2005 12:18 PM  
Blogger akiey5 said...

Oh poor Nick, the cut did you in, pole sana:(( I can't really tell how it felt coz where I come from they cut long before you even start crawling,lol! So my totos better know what's coming their way!

Eti, the kids were too tired to burn boks, scream, etc, crawled back home instead,lo!
I feel you on the graduation thing. For grad school, graduation day was lousy bcoz I was dead tired after months of working on my final project. Enjoyed defending though coz the profs were speechless & the thing lasted a mere 20mins...some anti climax of sorts!
Getting a job...fun & no fun. That's a blog in itself!

9/02/2005 12:22 PM  
Blogger Prousette said...

Nice post as usual Nico.
Heard someone say this "Everybody is always looking for something they cannot find" yea you could not be looking for something if you could find it in the first place .
explains why you long for something so hard then when you finally achieve it, kind disappointing. loved "the cut" part;
ati you were looking forward to burning books after KCPE, are you out of your mind??

9/02/2005 2:28 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Nick, roomie, mate...

Hahahaha... Great to have you back!

Wachana with Blue and his part-time-for-hire-anon...

I also used to borrow horrors for soft-porn... Hahahaha... (Roomies in crime)

Kumbe I would hv missed monolizing you by a year - hmmmmm... Nimezeeka - lakini not as much as Blue...

Hahaha... Using that ka-string to elevate and direct thingy. And the agony when said ka-string katikas and its free-fall, free-for-all, agonized-landing-on-thigh...

Hahaha at multipronged pee-to-bowl-and-environs release... Kwanza it dampens the leso and toes if you have kanda-mbilis - LOL

Uni was def an anti-climax for me, except the wonderful strikes (free hols) and campus nite!!! Kwanza with those pretty loose KU chicks (pretty being an adj and adv combined)...

Loved the post man!!!!

Poor poor chicken-pox-sambaza with all the things-not-happening-places LMAO

9/02/2005 2:41 PM  
Blogger akiey5 said...

Milo & Nick, you remind me of those times someone still recovering from a cut insists on playing soccer only to have his yet to heal member hit by a ball going at 50mph,lol!!

Milo, so you know about em KU chicks,huh? Where did you hang out..Suswa, Ruwe, Aberdares, Lukenya...? U must have given the janitors a very hard time bro, hehe!

9/02/2005 3:12 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

Just a quick note for Akiey/Milo on Pretty Loose KU gals (and no, I didnt do uni in Kenya so dont start with me)

Double standards aside, if a woman is loose because she let you sleep with her, what does that make you? Eh? She didnt have sex on her own now, did she?

Answers on a postcard!

9/02/2005 4:13 PM  
Blogger akiey5 said...

Guess, oooops, mine was said in an all love matter of way & I am just testing to find out what Milo knows about KU gals. I know them very well(details coming on postcard), well enough to respect them. Well enough to know the campus map offhead...am sure you get the obvious hints here:))

9/02/2005 6:55 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

*trying hard not to appear stereotypical and failing*

Lucky perhaps?? ;)

Ya - I know that doesn't cut it...

*walking away head slumped in shame*

9/02/2005 10:02 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

Gich-boy, had to comment. I'm at work bored and sleepy. What a friday?
Anywho, am with Guess on whether laughing out loud for me might get misunderstood as some misjudgement lol

Which school did you go to? hahhahha, after the ACM paper there was war in my shule. You know all those c/f bouts/wanteds/issues, they were unleashed then. Papers get collected and ppl were getting out thru the windows. As they say u can run but not hide coz twas a boarding school so finally someone caught up with you and got even. But, am also with u coz we thought like the world wuld stop u know? but everything ran normal, how very unfair lol but the holidays were something.

That cut-issue, I can only imajin and cannot agree more, having one bratha(who is my twin) did me bad enough.I fell sick and had to sleep at the bottom of his bed(kwa miguu) and him (juu) tyter than tyt

Yeah, I remember I jus culd not wait to clear high school ati mojo for uni now its all gone and oh was it worse than expected may be had I stuck it in sweet home sweet it'd have kicked like it did back then.

Driving that was pretty xciting, only I/family/friends know how many cars ahve hit and what damage ahve done. Twas an adventure with my twin wanting to know why I was throwing such a tantrum before our daily driving 'lessons' only I know hahhahha and oh the comments my big sis made just did it, took it all away, haiya some ppl can get u with words hahhahha

Getting a job, pretty exciting, blowing off the 1st pay check been there, done that, getting compliments and getting written up, happy days and bad days at work. Don't even talk about money..LMAO!

Honey-pole Nicky pole for the high expectations turned 'sour' hahhaha, u r funny! Ever thought of sabotaging their ad's? shame on me! huh?

Awww, mandys memories come flooding, my paloz and I used to book the upstairs and hv good times..lol lol

Ever found out what it is u was suffering from?? thts scary. You must be like tiny, what do u say to letting us see little ol Nicky?Glad u r still here.

Did anyone ever say twas gonna be easy?

Great post! u made me smile..

9/03/2005 1:54 AM  
Blogger Blogless said...

Nick

lol @cut. I had my own adventures with peeing and staining I don't even want to go there lol. And did anybody tell you no matter what you do, "usisteady"?

9/03/2005 3:21 AM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

lmao at chariots of fire soundtrack to your peeing! and i so feel u on all the hype about finishing school and u think like the world will open up or something wow will happen, u just go home and....hmm, i guess its just another day! all in all, great great post! will have me laughing for a while!

9/05/2005 12:40 PM  
Anonymous Daud El Rude said...

Nicko.Want to know a real anti-climax?
its when people wait to first meet you expecting tall, handsome,etc and they end up getting a short stubby uncle festa look alike!

talk of a shocking anti-climax

Daud El Rude(Big gals need love too-OutKasts)

9/05/2005 4:51 PM  
Blogger nick said...

@nakeel:my cuz is alive and well and with one kid so atleast we know its functionin well
@guess:modicum of humor?! lol.
@akiey:life sucks am tellin u!i pity those toto's already
@prousette:at the time that was like the coolest things to think of besides signing each others uniforms!
@milo:honestly i'd really like to meet you...we can't be that similar
and naughty:lol at free for all/fall free
@akiey5:i once got knocked in the valuables once with a tennis ball! boy oh boy!
@poi:LOL cubed at tyter than tight! enyewe no one warned us or had the decency to tell us it was gonna be all good
@guess:we have no comment.madam
@blogless:haki those morning rises were exactly that u would wake up in pain. and if it was due to some immoral seen that was ur punishment right there!!
@kipepeo:i think thats the worst feelin ever...lookin forward to clearin then nothin....
@Daud:nyanyako star, star, anakula fish, ish na ko!!!!!

9/05/2005 5:40 PM  
Blogger KymmBr. said...

LOL @ Blogless....
ati "usisteady" ? LMAO!
nice post Nick...made the memories come back flooding. That cut thing was a biggie issue am telling yu. all the fuss and crap and then nada!!

talk of anticlimaxes and climaxes. had enaff last week with....
but again it's good yu are still breathing huh?
good ol' Nick...we working on that collabo ama what? let's get it started in here........

9/05/2005 5:47 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

DUDE!!! That whole cut biz had me ROTF!!!

"one was careful not to elicit an oscillating movement afraid to induce an infinite pendulum motion!"

LMAO!!!

9/05/2005 9:59 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

"strumming my ass severally, telling my life with the signs… killing me softly with the rashes…killing me softly with the weight loss…"

NICK YOU'RE A MWENDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9/05/2005 10:06 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

the cut is really a hot topic here with the guys giving us the njuicy parts. but had to say all the hype for kcpe,kcse, uni bummer! At least i had a version of leavers party at what is calles COCO SAvanna a disco yes disco in naikuru.
the blog super the author totally insane then again you cant ahve it all can you?
great post dude c u at mandy's

9/06/2005 10:04 AM  
Blogger Adrian said...

the segment on the cut brought back some memories bwana!!
good stuff!

9/06/2005 4:30 PM  
Blogger Irena said...

Nick I wish I enjoyed my elementary school life as you seem to have had ..My tales of closing days are way to weird/lame/so yesterday, .Ati you are talking of 92..damn at 1992 I was far from elementary ..:-)Hey that reminds me I will not be reading your blog lunch time when eating my lunch ..that storo of cut just spoilt the taste of the juicy orange iwas enjoying thoroughly:-(

9/06/2005 7:55 PM  
Blogger akiey said...

Irena, lol! at not reading the post at lunch time:))

Nick, read somewhere you had food poisoning? Pole sana bro, hop eyou feel better.

9/07/2005 8:10 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

Nicky baby!
You ain't right, You ain't Right! But first may I apologize, I hope you realize that I was laughing with you not at you... BUT good God man!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAA

9/08/2005 12:42 AM  
Blogger joani said...

eheheh you never fail to amuse me man :P thanks for the insight into a different culture ;)

9/09/2005 3:27 AM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

Darling! Your cute ass just got tagged!

9/12/2005 3:24 AM  
Blogger Acolyte said...

You have forgotten the anti-climax of getting your I.D and going to the hanyee ready to display it to the arrogant bouncer only for him not to bother asking.I guess there was some sort of I.D after glow thing going on

9/12/2005 5:56 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

how's that tag coming along??

9/12/2005 10:38 PM  
Blogger Girl next door said...

Life is full of anticlimaxes, most things are just over-hyped and once you accomplish them you're left thinking "this is it?"

7/01/2006 3:13 AM  

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