Anticlimaxes!!

You know those things that you thought were gonna be all that but reality happens and you realize-it’s no BIGGIE!

After KCPE:12/11/92
Promises had been made that we’d get buck-wild. Classmates had sworn to burn their books and uniform. Scream their cracking voices out loud. So what happens after we hand over our ARTS&CRAFT papers….NOTHING! Just went home like it was some ordinary day carrying our Leaver’s Certificate. I remember some chick quipping, “what do you mean by conduct-satisfactory! Academics-satisfactory!”
No biggie. I borrowed Terminator 2 and Horror movies and my holidays begun. It was the time I discovered that horrors could be an easy way of watching soft porn too! Though after Exorcist I took a break!

And the holidays???? Did we get extra crazy-NO! A time of songs like baby baby baby by TLC (remember the debate of who was hotter amongst the 3 of them), Heal the world by MJ, Humping Around-Bobby Brown, She’s playing hard to get-Hi-five. Nothing was new, all uneventful. Well…until…

The big cut: 29Nov’92
A few grammes lighter. No idea what the big deal was…couldn’t feel the apparent significant social/traditional transition. It wasn’t as painful (thank God for anaesthesia!) or as embarrassing as I thought it would be (yeah right-pure unadulterated violation!)
Points to remember:
-Gallivanting around the house in a ‘don’t touch a/the thing’ leso. It was a hung free week! With the weight of an anvil (you’d be surprised how much bandage can be applied!), one was careful not to elicit an oscillating movement afraid to induce an infinite pendulum motion!
-Peeing was almost an adventure. Cue the ‘chariots of fire’ music. Pick the piece delicately by the already stained bandage strand. Summon all muscles in surrounding environment to coordinate. Will yourself to pee! Wait…wait…radiating warmth…radiating pain…radiating warmth and pain. Wait…wait…finally a stream…then the stream forks-so it’s two or three streams…and if you’re are lucky they are streams in one direction! Funny smell-or is it the abstinence from the shower? Sighs of relief as the vessel isn’t leaking sideways! Drip…drip…drip…replace the piece delicately….remember thou shall treat it like some fragile priceless china!
-My cousin who had the cut same time as I did calling to ask if I was oozing pus??? LORD GOD!!!
-Going back for a suture and bandage removal a week later-and seeing new lil Nicky!
I was quite disappointed:
1. I had lost a mole! (Honestly I am still bitter on that!)
2. (Totally blonde) Was it like new? Or the same old version in less clothing? Would you like tan already?


Joining Uni: Sept98. No idea what the big deal was. What happened to freedom? A chance for intellectual growth? Discovering self? Classes were 8am-5pm every freaking day of each year…difference between that and high school was the uniform! Still had to suck up! Still had to cram stuff instead of inhaling and understanding. Survival was the game. I usually pass by main campus envying and wishing that I had been part of such an institution of higher academic learning. Those buildings are so inspiring…then it hits me been there done that. I graduated dumber and more ignorant than I was before.

Driving: 31/08/98 passed my driving test. I’d been itching to get my licence-Big whoopee! As much as it is fun driving(wind in your hair driving into the sunset with loud rock music)-try getting driven around. Screw balancing-and yes I’ve had of automatics-but frankly my left leg feels kind of left out??? Screw fighting with matatus for an inch of space! Screw traffic jams! Screw looking for safe parking. Or paying parking fees. Or the parking boys that you’ve formed a rapport with so that you find your ramshackle in one rusty piece after the movies! It gets worse when you’re the one fueling!

Getting a job: Nov’03 Boy aren’t things different when it’s YOUR money! In our case we waited 3 months before the salary first came so when it came we had plans…cash was spent only to realize you have cleared 3 months salary in 2weeks. Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
So you get yourself a bank account with aims of saving and to eventually watch your millions grow!...growing …growing…still growing…one year after, if your lucky your balance is still the same-BUT growing…Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
With money comes needs/responsibilities/obligations which lead to expenses which lead to priorities which lead to economizing and accounting which leads to sacrificing which leads to hatred …it’s all downhill!!!

Honey: mid 86. For somemisconstrued reason i thought honey was like the most delicious thing. I had never tasted it before-WAIT! Am talkin about honey the product from bees not that other honey! Which summarised would be CLIMAX=ANTICLIMAX or the other way around!!!Talk about a peak that wasn't a curve but a straight line wit a gradient of almost 1. Anyway back to the topic at hand..yeah poor kid hadn't tasted it only just seen it in jars. It had never occured to me that the reference of it being sweet was sweet as in sugary. Not delicious! Not finger licking good! So there I am opening the jar anticiapting a taste equivalent to:
-Wimpy's coleslaw
-Nyama Choma from Dagoretti Corner
-Kenchic chicken or New Stanley Chicken in the basket
-Mandy's Pan Fried Steak
-Strikes Breakfast special

But to my utter taste disappointment the freaking thing was just sweet! Talk about false advertisement!!! Heartbreak!

First encounter with ‘death’: Oct2000. Thought I was dying. Yeah it is kind of an anticlimax when you are so certain you are dying only to realize you were but a fool!

Had been losing weight that year. Looking anorexic is not synonymous with Nick. I used to be a turgid bundle of health! Well not this year. Belt size was less. Trousers sagging-it was like exfoliation and I was watching it happen!

In April I had a pure bout of dysentery! Forget common food poisoning with cramps, fever and the runs-ladies and gentlemen in dysentery you pass blood as stool. Not bloody stool-nope! Not traces of blood-nope! Not popping a vein from constipation-NOPE! Fresh frank blood-voluminous liquid, torrents, waterfalls, maji maji, I’m talking about peeing twice at the same time!!!!!
Surprise gender-prank periods-If ONLY!
Had I eaten some salad somewhere-NO!
Unboiled water-NO!
Contamination from microbiology lab-OF COURSE NOT!
Has this ever happened before-NO!

Later on had some unexplained rashes-though they were kinda cute and felt good scratching! Chicken pox-NOPE-had them in August ‘88 after a silly classmate decided to give the whole class a going away August Hol’s present!!!(may you itch in hell woman…where the sun don’t shine, where the rain don’t drop, where the fish don’t swim, where the leaves don’t fall and where the snow don’t land!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Last major symptom together with the rashes-unexplained diarrhea! Stops and comes again, stops comes again. As in, I’m talking about the same day. Pass normal stool in the morning, come afternoon runs! Come evening, normal!
Eating only from home-diarrhoea.
Not eating at all-diarrhoea.
Irritable bowel syndrome-maybe!
Worried-definitely. But trust me, I was suffering psychologically-you know the words- strumming my ass severally, telling my life with the signs… killing me softly with the rashes…killing me softly with the weight loss…

Dying? Er…uhm…well-giggle-I’m still here!