Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Antipathy towards Sports.

First and foremost thank you all for wishing me a happy blogversary wishes. Hope you enjoyed the party and the food with lots of soft drinks. Thank you for the gifts and the cards and for turning up.

Some of you made requests which we shall get down to.

Milo had requested a post on irritations in the movie theatre and TeeJay requested a post about the new JAMES BOND:both have been covered-at Couch ‘tato Blog (It is hard work trying to promote 2 blogs I’m telling you)
Msanii-who was taking sometime out to decompress made it back in time and asked for a post on my antipathy to sports.
Akiey the picture-guy and Afromusing were musing over the thought of me posting a pic of myself.
Kipepeo batted her lashes and fluttered her wings asked for a re-edited earlier post…
Haidhuru challenged me to post assuming I was posting anonymously…hmm that’s a good one ebu u guys invite me to post on your blogs as yourselves incognito.

So let’s work on Msanii’s first as I get a suitable pic to post very soon of none other than me!

Antipathy towards sports.

Oxford defines antipathy as deep seated aversion or dislike and it defines sport as a game or competitive activity especially an outdoor one involving physical exertion.

In my defense, in my younger, less self-conscious days, I loved taking part in sports. I was all pro-sports. I was drawn to it like kids were to my Break container!
But it turned out you needed more than a good spirit to be accepted by your peers/p.e teachers. I was fat and proud. I’d like to send a big shout out to all my peeps at ‘ENORMOUS ANONYMOUS.’ I was not fat in a bad way-not that kind of obesity but I wasn’t the fastest/quickest or lightest for that matter. But just as heavy as I was, I was heavy in team spirit and determination. I never gave up. I was jolly, saw the humor in many a scenario…and I kept on going. I was the fat little engine that could... Wouldn’t forget to carry my P.E costume- Go RED HOUSE!!!! and my Power Shoes. I was always all set to go…the mind, body and soul were willing-but nature was against me!

Where do we begin?

Teams:When it came to picking teams…and we’d start with two captains…for some reason I would end up getting picked last. Did I mention that the adidas that we were playing with was mine?! At that time, thank God, I had no self esteem and I’d always keep coming back for more insults. So guys would play the ball, I’d get chengwad, no one would pass the ball to me…but at least they had a good time! Even when i was told to seat by the sidelines...and enjoy the game-i was all for it! Same time the following day i'd carry the football and...

Cops and Robbers:In time, I realized my participation in sports was also a source of amusement for others. I had mentioned earlier how when playing Cops and robbers: the girls would always come to catch the easiest target-practically come giggling and skipping -totally effortless...and then guys would show off their flighty skills as they accomplished daring maneuvers while rescuing the solo prisoner in jail. I think everyone was ok with that arrangement. The whole game was basically “Let’s go catch ‘Nyama’” and “Let’s go save ‘Nyama’”
And I’d get saved and run off helter skelter hoping to one day save my victor…and off I'd go running terribly fast with the determination of a freed slave..tasting freedom with new found hopes and dreams... only to be caught 7steps later.

Shake. Middle Line was a no-no for me…and damn it was the best line. I was always let to hold the last line. Of course when we lost somehow it happened to be my fault. Oh and when it was our turn to play- I’d get the privilege of shaking the hand and would receive stern instructions not to enter. So I’d chill there...then decide what the hell… Only to hear “3 in a box you’re out” Yup, my bad!

3sticks. Being the considerate people my friends were, they would use me as the yardstick for measurement. So I’d jump and set the limits for the game…and they’d start from there. The dumb thing was having set those boundaries myself; for sure you know I couldn’t jump further than that! But they were gracious to allow me to jump 2-3more steps while the rest jumped just the twice.

I’m telling you I learnt the art of being accommodated into every game. From being given head starts. Excuses being made for me…

Football: I was defender of choice. One cause I’d kick the ball as far as I could when it got to me. And it didn’t involve much risk. I’d just stay there with the goalkeeper and just pass time. Heck he’d reassure me not to worry. However when the goal was scored: either I had distracted the goalie or didn’t defend!

Train-Train: Where you have like 15 or so boys in train formation. You would wrap you sweater round the boy in front of you and hold the sweater by the sleeves. And the head of the train would then run in different directions and the goal was to keep up and not let go off the sweater. So every corner he turned at whatever speed you had to be there. Is that enough orientation now back to my problems….I could never be the head because I was too slow. I could never be in the middle because again I was too slow and would eventually break the train. So, I’d end up in the end and when a sharp corner was hit…off I’d go at a tangent to land disgracefully and dishevelled in a heap at a nearby bench…and upon recovery I’d see my train off in the distance and no one would even glance back to see if 'Nyama' had broken something..perhaps a wrist? leg? the bench?

Bench to Bench: Now in the eating playground we had numerous benches. How this game was played, was that the leader(again not me) would jump with the least number of steps from bench to bench and the rest would have to make the same number of steps or less. So the boys would get their Carl Lewis sprintin,(what was that arrogant guy's name from Trinidad and Tobago-Oto Baldwin??? that swaggered around in tight speedos????) antelope hopping fevers on as I followed around holding their sweaters.
I had given it a try once…was doing mighty fine till I slipped and had a bench connect with my shin…AINT NO PAIN like a shin-bench kiss!!!!

Swimming. Ok,at least this was something which I was as good as the others. Comparing many didn’t learn to swim at an early age. Probably from over-reliance on floaters…I didn’t have that luxury since I couldn’t fit into any floater. An attendant at Ebrahim’s had suggested I use a tyre-tube. The freaking nerve! Either that or those semi circular floaters that had dinosaurs or duck heads…so this tub of lard learnt how to swim the hard way-by himself.
Despite belly flops! Struggling to get out of the pool! Swallowed Bermuda Trunks! Revealed butt cracks! I actually held my own in swimming. In fact I was one of the first daring kids to jump off the highest spring board. The swimming instructor had warned us to keep our legs together lest we burst our balls. (in her exact words!) And off I jumped, with pals cheering from below. It was the longest 5-6seconds of my life.

P.E. If it was a running competition I’d always lose. If it was hitting laps…jog…jog…jog…pant…jog…pant…pant…pant-ok where do I sit down? If it was a relay, the team was gonna lose! If guys were asked to do 20 press-ups I'd be asked to do 10. If people were busy playing i was busy getting send to get another teacher or something non-sportish.

Changing rooms. After double P.E or triple swimming we’d come together and change back. We all shared in the art of hiding prized privates. Initially from Std 1-3 we’d change stark exposed, dangling free, and whistling tunes.
Come Std 4-onwards. Techniques were developed. Especially post swimming.
It would get so nasty that wiping was not an option and you’d even just wear the swimming costume as your underwear and leave wet-butt prints on your shorts. Boy there is no greater agony than hoping you get dry quick as with each step, was a moist, frictionless slip and slide that was eerie and uncomfy.

Surprisingly, there was a fine line between hiding cause you are shy/ its inappropriate to display nudity or cause you were embarrassed and really had something to hide!!!. So if you were to change wearing a long shirt in front of the whole class- that was being shy or being uncomfortable...but if you were to wrap yourself round with a towel and enter a room to change- you were embarrassed and hiding something. Yup, if you hadnt sprouted pubics as others were pluckin as C.S.I evidence-grab that towel! Ha, even those who had had the cut would have towel moments in primary then in secondary roles were reversed...ha memories.

So no guesses as to where porky would change? You got it-outside the changing room, behind the structures by the trees. You'd see a huge shadow with shaking leaves..then i'd emerge!

As a result of all the humiliation and joking…what else was I to do but start avoiding the whole sport scenario in total…slowly by slowly I started having notes. Once the swimming teacher was teaching us diving techniques-and damn it I was getting pretty good too. Until I heard, “Hey Fatso! Where are you going?” That’s the last time I attended swimming lesson back in 1993-and to think I had even signed up for lifesaving course for P.A scheme. I actually have never!!!!

So ultimately, I did less and less of sports…did all other extracurricular activities except sports. And as the story ends, Msanii, that is how I reached that zone of certain dislike…aversion towards sports.

But I will say I play a really good Table Tennis game…and come time for Nyabs/Bano…I was a crack shot…or did I mean I’d’ crack my shorts bending. The spirit is still willing…but I know better!


Blogger Milonare said...

Say my name, say my name...

when no KBW is around you

say milo I love you...

Say my name, say my name

10/19/2005 3:01 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Numero uno, like y'all know
Nambari moja, wengine ngoja
First here, sweet as a cold beer

Grabbing crotch and dancing like Wacko Jacko

I'll be back to comment proper once I finish the celebratory jiggy dance - tihihihihihi

10/19/2005 3:05 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

I thought I was first *sob sob* - Milo, you mad hatter I swear you had insider information.
Not amused at all.
Hi Nicko - will come back after I finish - I am only in paragraph two :)

10/19/2005 3:46 PM  
Blogger UARIDI said...

See I knew we are related somewhere. I so share your antipathy towards sports. Not that I had the same problems, the whole idea makes me ill.

10/19/2005 4:01 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

"no one would even glance back....perhaps a wrist? leg? the bench?" - its not fair that I had to read this during the day coz I am laughing so hard Nicko, people are starting to think i am insane!

oh and about a huge shadow shaking..and you would emerge - hahaha, reminded me of the dinosaurs in Jurassic park.. LOL that was painful to read - please spare me.

Anyway dont really have much to say regarding sports seeing that i aint that sporty either. We can vegatate with movies together while the other loonies (especially the ones gloating about getting here first) go watch sports, ok?

10/19/2005 4:45 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

finally made top ten yeeehaaah will be back to post a real comment.

10/19/2005 5:58 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

make that fop five ha ha ha

10/19/2005 5:58 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...


10/19/2005 6:25 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

*ressurects* but still in fits of laughter..nicko this post right here you killed it...this hasta be one of the best post i have read from you...if i start quoting i'd doing another blog

kids are a bunch of small ibilisi's , i swear i mena how cruel?

10/19/2005 6:29 PM  
Blogger spicebear said...

aki i don't even know where to begin ... great post! lol at you describing cops and robbers and train and swimming/p.e lessons ... but alot sure does sound familiar - did you go to a primo where you wore blue shorts and sweater? regardless, awesome post!

10/19/2005 6:58 PM  
Blogger mutumia said...

you are too, too funny--- I can't type for laughing- OK, merchant of laughs (Aco,2005) next time put a disclaimer or something! I really wanna keep my job!

10/19/2005 8:53 PM  
Blogger mutumia said...

Post script--- Oooh- Nick please guest blog pour moi SVP... my house has cable na TV yangu ina remote.
*smiling demurely and batting my eyes at Nick, as I 'gently displace' Kipepeo out of the way*

10/19/2005 8:57 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

I think you meant crack your shorts bending. Hhehehhe, good one GoofyakapunkGich!

All those decriptions wacha we try u classic u! I'm loving your childhood bana, I thought I had it ROFTLMAO!

@Milo now credit be given where it's due, you pulled a rhyme bratha-nambari moja wengine ngoja, tht u guy was propa! Hhehehe, hihiiihih, and that was a laugh + giggle, utado? 10..nil!

Great post Gich,I just might return!

10/19/2005 9:16 PM  
Anonymous acolyte said...

@ Nick
I swear if you were a jungu kid you would have needed therapy but then again i still think you need therapy!Great post!!!!

10/20/2005 12:09 AM  
Anonymous Tee J said...

LMAO!!! You killing me! Good thing I'm reading this @ home and not at jobo coz damn! this is too funny.
I really am laughing with you btw..;-)

10/20/2005 5:32 AM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

the swimming escapades had me laughing for a long long time...thnx for cheering me up!!!

10/20/2005 2:55 PM  
Anonymous mshairi said...

What an evil little boy you are nephew! I didnt know Boone would die along the way. He is not one of my fave characters but still. I will avenge, just you wait:)

10/20/2005 6:17 PM  
Blogger nick said...

@milo: i can hear all the ladies in thehouse whispering "Milooo Milooo" hee heee to you too. hope ur in white socks and a white glove.
@guess:hey its a tough world out there so many hos in different blog codes
@uaridi:warm up that cuppa tea for you and get me some passion juice as swap more stories
@Guess:LOL jurassic part rustling of the bamboo leaves...atleast ur laughin..
@gishungwa:welcome to the race...hope ur comin back tho
@Msanii:hey this was ur request.glad it made u laugh. kids are evil incarnate
@spice:damn right we were in the same school at the same time-how so cool.
@mutumia:email me and i'll definitely guest blog. did i hear cable "oh...u complete me...u had me at cable (teardrop) u had me at (chocking) cable!!!!!!!"
@poi:u can have my childhood..can u spell trauma?
@Acolyte: i am in therapy...they tell me to blog about it i will feel still waitin...
@teejay:laughin wit me. laughin near me. laughin next to me..i heard all those lines before sob sob. gald u commented btw
@kips: u u have any expereinces to share?
@mshairi:are u announcing here that BOONE from LOST dies????

10/20/2005 6:40 PM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

Yaani my broda aka nyama your childhood is priceless. I wish I had stories to tell about mine and make people's day!

@acolyte ati therapy!
KBW has the best crew ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

10/20/2005 9:33 PM  
Blogger tomas said...

tee hee ha ha! ok LOL excess Laughter. You've jus resurrected memories of a past life. I was one of the small skinny kids who made life for your likes hell. I regret that! But that doesnt make it any less funnier.

10/21/2005 2:09 PM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

The concubine is dying of laughter FATSO!

10/21/2005 3:49 PM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

@acolyte, i think you are right NIck would have needed therapy yawa!

10/21/2005 3:53 PM  
Anonymous acolyte said...

@ shiroh
have u noticed the less nick blogs the more fired he sounds?The boy is losing it bit by bit!

10/21/2005 10:17 PM  
Blogger Brown Cowrie said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10/21/2005 11:46 PM  
Blogger Brown Cowrie said...

[prior post deleted for typo]

Lol - I'm laughing with not at u. What a mean swimming teacher. Adults need to watch what they say to kids. Its a shame how some people mindlessly crush young dreams with careless remarks. All that to say - great post.

10/21/2005 11:48 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...


As I survey all those that arrived after me... kinda makes me think yáll got lessons from a younger slower nick LOLOLOLOL

This post was brilliant roomie!!! ENORMOUS ANONYMOUS - it dont get better than that... Hi all my name is Chris and Im Obese... LOLOL

Ati tasting freedom for 7 seconds until you return to Robben Island... Yussour Ndúo(sp) sings "its only 7, 7 seconds away"

We also had a Red house but it was called nelion..

I had mastered the art of grabbing my ball and heading home should I be chengwad, not selected or scored!!! Hihihihi

The tire-tube instead of floaters floored me!!! LMAOUIS - LMAO until i shuta!!!

Interesting the way Blue ended up inheriting your butt-crack issues later, much much later, oh so much much later in life!!!

The swimming costumes as underwear plus wet-prints were a classic LMAOUIS squared...

Wawawawawa this post was damn funny!!!

Pole, Im sporty to the death and usually the team captain even up to today...

@nursy... dont hate the speed, hate the link... And you went Jurassic Park on roomie LOLOLOLOLOL That killed me....

10/22/2005 8:47 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Forgot Hi my name is Nick and my torso be Thick for enormous anonymous...

10/22/2005 8:50 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

oh ya

And taking a bow at poi for the rhyme compliment!!

Thank you kindly...

10/22/2005 8:51 AM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

I don't doubt that the boy has lost it Acolyte

10/24/2005 4:20 PM  
Blogger akiey said...

Ok, Nick....your blog is a necessary hazard, LOL! I am still in tears bcoz of endless, uncontrollable laughter. Like Msanii XL, I agree you've massacred all would be posts on sports, none can hold a candle to this & yes, quoting would be re-blogging so will spare you that.

I want read & reread all the antics & will bookmark this post to brigten my winter days. You take the gold bro!
Btw, Nick, I give you gold for this: However when the goal was scored: either I had distracted the goalie or didn’t defend!

@Milo, like Poi, I say that ryhme is the mutha! & kijana, this crotch grabbing & glorifying hobby will make MJ go back to being Black, lol!

Again, Great post Nick....all other posts you've done are obviously jealous of this masterpiece. When I finally get to publish that magazine I will ask you to have this as one of my debut issue stories. Take my word for that:)

10/26/2005 10:23 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Woiye sweetie, sorry for always being picked last!!! Ti hi hi hi

Where's the picture?

10/26/2005 2:58 PM  
Blogger s! said...

hehe.. that was a very comprehensive review.. kweli elephants never forget!

10/26/2005 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happened?Your blog is beginning to suck big time!You had one of the best blogs ever but now all you do is flash back and whack flash backs to boot!You might as well stick to the movie blog if you are having blogapause!You can do far better than this!
ps:spideyfun is just a weak blog name!

6/25/2006 11:02 PM  
Blogger egm said...

Anonymity sure is bliss, I guess! Pole kwake.

N'how, I hadn't read this post. Good stuff. I can't say I have an aversion to sport as strong as yours, but I definitely don't do much of it. Biking is pretty much the only thing I actively participate in. A fear of fracturing one of my limbs is my primary demotivator.

Good stuff!

6/25/2006 11:49 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

In certain schools I think all the kids with no hoppe of ever achieving some sort of sport success were dumped in red house!
Milo you forgot to add:
1)Who's the daddy!
2)Spank this badd a**


6/26/2006 1:18 AM  
Blogger Kenyangal said...

That was classic!! In train i used to always be the last one, by choice, that's because I could hold on for the duration and the sensation was like an amateur rollercoaster.
P.s Someone said that there is a thin line between fans and fanatics.. seems like anonymous tipped over to the dark side

6/26/2006 1:31 PM  
Blogger Kenyangal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6/26/2006 1:33 PM  
Blogger s! said...

wewe mgondi.. this thingy of reruns bwana! write some fresh material!

and how is that jamaa el raud?

6/26/2006 3:42 PM  
Blogger Kabinti said...

Hilarious post! Been laughing so hard at memories of shake and 3 sticks. Glad you had a mzuri attitude towards all the mocking otherwise you would be taking some serious drugs. ROTFL!

6/26/2006 5:12 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

you template is nice as hell i like it..

6/26/2006 10:45 PM  
Blogger Kagz said...

@ Msanii,

ati "nice as hell".
Which school did you go to???

@ Nick,

ata ukinilenga i still need to know how/where to get hot templates.

6/28/2006 4:27 PM  
Blogger lissingmink said...

@anonymouse ...uuh calm down, lighten up etc

@nick- cops and robbers, shake.. oh you bring back such memories, when life was pretty simple actually- just what next. …and off I'd go running terribly fast with the determination of a freed slave..tasting freedom with new found hopes and dreams... only to be caught 7steps later.

ok that was hilarious.

6/30/2006 2:06 PM  
Anonymous bed mattresses UK said...

i like your style. you got yourself one more regular reader. But now i think its time for bed

4/01/2008 2:14 PM  

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