Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Meeting with BLUE

We all have different expectations when meeting someone for the first time. I’d spoken to Blue before and from his voice he sounded like those go-getters in life…very outspoken with a hint of Private School accent on top of a previous village dialect. He’s eloquent and charming on the phone…the kind of insurance salesman you’d listen to for just a few seconds more before you hung up the phone.

So the meeting happened…7pm at a pre-arranged meeting point. Mshairi had kept on sms’ing to find out if we had met and if we did how it was going…Down! Down now Aunty!

When battling with blue I’ve tried to portray him as a previously stocky, pot-bellied man, perhaps with evidence of periodontal disease… who over the many, many, many, many years has aged into a limping structure due to age induced arthritis. White-haired. Crouching over aided by a walker with non-steady, frail and ashy-white arms. Withering body frame, toothless, urinary incontinent-thank God for urinary catheters and urine bags. Mentally incompetent-borderline senile!

But ladies and gentle men of the blog jury…this is the true story you have been waiting for.

I arrived at the agreed meeting point... I called him and he told me that he was just standing outside the front entrance, so the dreaded moment had arrived.

I saw a man standing looking at me as I approached him. There he was the grand puh-bah! Can you say a towering inferno? A rock of Gibraltar! With a rugged, outlined jaw line, dimpled chin…he gives Michael Douglas a run for his money. Pearly white teeth (his own nothing, to do with receipts but from the in-house dentist he has employed) with a generous broad grin. A brother has aged gracefully and the pin-striped 3piece suit didn’t hurt either as his built filled it out remarkably well. It looked like he had that protection metal frame that American Footballers wear…he was built like an Ox! He looked like a model for a futuristic Nursing Home…with his relaxed curly black hair, manicured fingernails…I was surprised he hadn’t been knighted yet! I couldn’t tell if he was well-buttocked as Milo had asked, but so far no double chin, no eye bags, and no wrinkle lines! And as I got nearer I could tell he was thoroughly deodorized and nose hairs trimmed! His poise was as dignified as his demeanor! A distinguished Gentleman.

He said "Er, Hello there?” with a firm handshake with a resonating, vibrating voice that oozed confidence and elegance!
I said “Hi nice to finally meet you!
He said “Hi…er…Who are you?

It was at that moment that I heard a village-idiot like “Psssssssssssssst! Over here Nick! Kijana niko hapa!!!!”

Damn! HE was not the real BLUE! I turned around to see a jolly short fellow smiling ear to ear…it hit me…this here was the real BLUE POET! Could the real NEED COMPASS please stand up….ouch…he IS standing up!

First impression: was that this almost cartoon like character was totally friendly and harmless. Very smooth very round faced, with pencil-like drawn side burns with a smile that could light up a room. As Mshairi would inquire he does smile with his eyes. His shiny balding head reflected the hotel’s name inverted! He has a huge gap in between the front teeth with a little gum protrusion that he kept licking with his thin tongue. He was making me laugh already. He was all sporty wearing a greytracksuit with little circular patches of sweat under each arm… a grey sweat band on his wrists and forehead. And a whistle dangling from his neck? Was he out of a coaching practice? Was he jogging? Did he think we were having a costume meet-up party? ...Well...apparently after work he changes into casual wear to feel fresh younger and rejuvenated. Trust me he had Nike shoes that I envied instantly. He was a ka-manyanga papa! Did not look a day over 53!

It was obvious I had been picking a fight with the wrong person. I liked him instantly and as we picked a table it looked weird following a little version of David Mwenje…except shorter with manners. He obviously had no neck and his arms looked like they emanated from his ears. But he had a very cute spring to his walk…almost like a pudgy ballerina very light on his feet...very confident and such a free spirit.

The waitress came and already he had started teasing her and he almost spanked her bottom when she got our orders wrong making her flinch in a giggling spree. I asked for a Fanta…yes I have the Bamboocha life membership. He asked for Ginger Ale. Even she was stupefied at that request, “Ati Jinja Aero?” Now, at first I was surprised he wasn’t drinking anything heavy till he started fidgeting with his pockets and ended up revealing some sachet with some funky concoction that he spilled into the Ginger Ale. He winked at me and started sipping it through his gap!

He smoked like a beat down jalopy. Another waiter brought him a whole packet of Rooster, neither oblivious of the dangers of unfiltered ciggy’s, nor the dangers of second hand smoking! As he puffed away different shapes and sizes, it was obvious that satchet had some potent brew! He started stroking and caressing his tummy under his tracksuit gear. He may have even cleaned up some stuff from his belly button…cause there was some digging and definitely probning action going on down in there and ultimate flicking action throwing of some gunk into the air.

We discussed loads of things: our careers, families, hobbies and dislikes. Goals and interests. He is totally worth the company. Light me a fire, get me a comfy carpeted floor and am all ears. He is the kind, if you were at Shags you’d listen to his stories all night long. He mentioned his philandering ways when he was my age back in the day of no disease as he so called it. He said he was a babe-magnet…and beneath that short-stop I could see laid the heart of a true Kuke-Kamba Stallion. Remember when Lequita in a previous post had said “His succulent pot belly.... prominent forehead.... untrimmed nose-hairs...arrogant demeanor adds a little air of rugged masculinity, I must add! Trust me if I was a wild pig I’d bare him healthy piglets with pride!!!!” I could see what she meant.

He reminisced on many a Mugumo tree moments and plucking of ripe berries in the coffee farm. He was full of picturesque farming metaphors. From planting maize seeds into non-planted depths of soils, to harvesting forbidden fruits that blossomed monthly…weeding gardens that belonged to the neighbours in the river in between…milking cows in the middle of the night so that the heifer could sleep with ease…climbing and conquering unchartered hilltops...riding the proverbial bicycle for a short distance with no brakes to deliver bursting news...irrigating dry lands with ingeniuos canal system…reinstalling pipes as the designated plumber with wrench that could unlock the tightest of pipes...he was your perverted humorist.

Talked about almost being drafted to fight in World War 2. His first VW beetle. His two separations form his ex-wives as a result of infidelity on their part. His first pay cheque. His current business that he started from scratch and has never looked back. Revealed to me his dreams to publish his writings especially his poems. His desire to get re-married and to give his 5 children legitimacy - his major regret in life. The bloggers who have hit on him due to a misconceived notion of his sexual prowess and wealth.

He was your average type bloke. Down to earth. Totally unrefined. A happy-go-lucky persona. This guy has never known the meaning of depression. He's smiling and laughing keeps him young.

He’d tease the waitress like they grew up together or had some sort of explicit history because every time he spoke she seemed to be under his spell. “Wewe ka-mzee!” She’d melt away and mock-slap him on the shoulder and giggle off again to bring another bottle of Ale! Then he’d look at me with a suggestive look translating “See, Nick I still got it. Am a Mack-Daddy in the latest Nike.”

He told her I was his son and that he would buy her for me. We both blushed…then she started looking at me in a whole new light! She asked me what I do. To which he quickly added “Usijali...mimi niko na pesa…you too just get married I will take care of you!” She looked disappointed to having to settle for the ‘Son’ when she clearly wanted the ‘Papa’

Even the other waiter, he joked with him, insisting that he needed to know who made his trousers cause apparently they were the right kind of black he’d been looking for in the right kind of seam. He pursued that topic to the point he wanted to buy them off of him. To which the waiter tried to shrug him off …till he was grabbed and pulled close to his face. Circled his tiny arms round his waist trying to get his exact waist measurement using index and thumb. “ Ebu, Ngoja wewe…this is really, really nice!” I don’t know who was more shocked: the flinching and totally uncomfortable waiter? Me? The other clients in the restaurant? The waitress for not having such a privilege? Or Blue when he discovered that the waiter was two fingers too small! To which he dismissed him and tapped him on the behind, “Basi leta pakiti ingine ya Rooster!” Trust me the violated tapped waiter did not return!

All in all I had a really great time. Totally glad that I met this life-force, full of more youth and vitality than my younger self. He is a jolly kinda guy. Totally real, down to earth. Honestly I should meet him soon especially for that sumptuous Koroga and more of his stories.
So he unleashed a fat wallet with a fat wad of notes. Paid for the bill. Gave the waiter and waitress a generous tip that had them bowing down at this pleasant fellow. He even had the audacity to ask me if I wanted lunch money for the following day!


Blogger Blue Poet said...

You little piece of S**T!
You are a nugu.
War reloaded.


10/05/2005 11:48 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...


How did the old one make it here be4 me!!!! D*mn!!!

Ebu I read what you've posted...

10/05/2005 12:10 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...




with a hint of Private School accent on top of a previous village dialect

His shiny balding head reflected the hotel’s name inverted!

Where do i start, where do I end?

Enyewe Nick you've outdone urself again!!!

And shika-shikaring a waiter's waist and tap-tapping his daibs... Aie! Blue, how can u be so shameless?


Mshairi, what have you gotten urself into?


I'll def be back for more!!!

10/05/2005 12:21 PM  
Blogger Guessaurus said...

@Blue - ha ha ha ha - someone has definitely breached the ceasefire agreement!

@Nicko - bana where do you get this stuff from - giggle factor 75. Like Milo I have no idea where to start.

"the waiter was two fingers too small" - OMG - that had me flat on the floor - I dont believe you dude!

I will come back when I have digested this marvel - and probably seen what Mshairi will do to you - for I have a feeling this is just the start Nick.

10/05/2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

nickyboo you are absolutely crazy!!! ati the hotel sign was reflected on his bald head? crazy crazy crazy!! let me stop laughing then i can post a comment nicely

10/05/2005 1:23 PM  
Anonymous mshairi said...

Hey neph, I have seen what Blue has written about you - all nice things etc. How about a re-edit where you say all the nice things you said to me about Blue? I am on a peace mission here (again;)

@ Milo - I keep asking myself the same question:)

10/05/2005 4:03 PM  
Blogger Acolyte said...

You have outdone yourself nick!
@ blue poet - Can I have lunch money?Please help a young lad out.

10/05/2005 4:05 PM  
Blogger s! said...

hehe, Blue Poet sounds like a favourite uncle!!

wewe Nicko utagongwa! wacha kuwatusi watu wewe! you'll find yourself having to fix your own meno!

10/05/2005 5:20 PM  
Blogger s! said...

by the way, nimekutag tena.. hehe!

10/05/2005 5:21 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...


I had forgotten about Blue's satchets with Jinja Aero...


This was a good one Nick!!!

10/05/2005 5:30 PM  
Blogger s! said...

ati pax!! kitu gani!! soma instructions vifiti we kijana!! hii siyo 1994!!

10/05/2005 5:38 PM  
Blogger Wangari said...

awww, i like the man already despite your "will the real Need Compass please stand up? ouch, he is standing up.." hehehehehe

nice post nick.

10/05/2005 6:43 PM  
Blogger KymmBr. said...

...Smbody tell me Nick dinn go to outer space to hook up with an alien...pliiiiiiiz!!!!???

Nick yu are so fucked up in the right way....too funny for my ribs. No wonder i still have mixed feelings about ever meeting with yu'r likes.

hahahahahah......lemmi just laugh out loudly. damn good description of that African son. I like him that way than in any other way.

war reloaded? let's go get them again Nick!!!!!!

10/05/2005 7:04 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

I see war reloaded is already out, now y'all donn go 'stealing' my blog's name to get at each other lols I'll sue.

Ati cash for lunch the next day? hhihiihiihihi trully tht was some brave audacity right there, but what was your answer? never refuse a kao's money...

That description has floored me and you know am at work so if mdosi walks-in on me I will surely share this joke ehehhehheh

Sounds like my uncle(though I knew) is a nice person, great personality, true now we ought change the saying to 'he who laughs lasts' keep it up great uncle :)

I guess y'all were shocked big yani he held the waiter? LMAO! glad the tralez were the wrong size otherwise the other clients wulda seen more and u was just sitted there, with him and the waitress was going dang wish twas me hihiihiih

You are a hilarity Gich-boy

Great post!

10/05/2005 9:17 PM  
Blogger wanduma said... wrong. Call the priest for last rites.

Go Blue.

10/06/2005 6:03 AM  
Blogger Prousette said...

OK nick do not say you were not warned can wre have a little peace here.... and I am sure the first description of blue was correct then you got naughty

10/06/2005 11:55 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

Heh heh its setled then!! You'll just have to invite me to the next meet and then I can give the real story!!!!

10/06/2005 1:33 PM  
Blogger nick said...

@blue: the language!!! blue blue u did not deny any of those metaphors used did u?
@Milo:usisahau his cute tight tracksuits...
@guess:Hope u will be back to nurse him to health after the watr he is a bout to unleash
@kipepeo:Crazy...not me...this is nothin but he truth so help me....
@mshairi:i know ur ready to spank me but Oh Aunty...did u hear what i have just been called?
@Acolyte:if you're polite you will get break money as well
@S!na wewe na hizi tapo tapo zako...maybe i need to launch war on you
@Wangari: he is a jolly good ol short fellow he is
@Kymmmbr:nice to know u still got my back as we enter another war! Oh and if we met i'd do u justice the gich style...
@poi:yup uncle is an entertainer...u can never go wrong in his company...provided u not wearing that kind of black trousers
@Wanduma:he actually had it coming but in case of war i'd be happy to take you two on again
@prousette:ur almost right i was gonna roll with the first description of him then decided a tangent was better...
@ms k:glad ur back first of all...better believe it next time you will be a witness...

10/06/2005 5:39 PM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

Worth the wait! You are a very interesting kijana Nick. Now write the true version......

10/06/2005 8:38 PM  
Blogger joani said...


I wish I knew what both of you looked like.. you are neverendingly funny! Thank u for adding extra laughter into my life :)

10/07/2005 11:27 AM  
Blogger akiey said...

Aie,aie, chocking with laughter! I too thought the pin-stripped dude was Blue & I actually pictured him to look like Nate Dogg or something.
Al the same, nice to know Blue is the fun, outgoing gentleman we all imagined him to be. I see you noticed you were warring with a guy that may as well be your pal, tracksuit, whistle & all.
LOL @ "days of no disease", “Ati Jinja Aero?”...milking cows in the middle of the night so that the heifer could sleep with ease
-Too funny I have to come back for more,lol!
PS: My brief hiatus is now over, am back with more fire.

10/07/2005 1:26 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

he he he nicki mani you are in trouble. Let the war continue ceasefire my foot.
Now the first description had me then after that am sitting here laughing too much. you are flipped.
revenge is a meal served cold bring it on

10/07/2005 5:14 PM  
Blogger mutumia said...

Oh.. oh.. can't stop laughing- where to start? David mwenje with manners? And it only gets worse... Hiaya *wiping tears* Nick - men- you really logged on to

Nagi Baba! Let me raed Blue's account

10/07/2005 8:12 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

You know somewhere along that blog, it sounded like you'd been checking some guy's ass out.....You are SOOO BUSTED!

10/07/2005 8:29 PM  
Blogger spicebear said...

aauui ... have been laughing out loud from the beginning ... im off to read blue's account ... *still laughing* ...

10/08/2005 5:15 AM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

# 3.. i have no word all i can say is that was sooooooooo wonderfully explained and brought out... I know #1 and 2 will beat u up if small siz chocks in laughter...
My ribs are aching....

10/08/2005 2:57 PM  
Blogger kashata said...

Nick you're soo silly this whole post was hilarious my stomach hurts from lauhing.I have to catchup/keepup with this dose between you and bluepoet.

10/10/2005 8:36 AM  
Blogger Shiroh said...

LMAO Nick, cut the guy some slack

10/11/2005 9:16 AM  
Blogger UARIDI said...

I told you he is your uncle and he said such wonderful things about you!!!! As Mshairi said, re-edit some of the things you said

10/11/2005 4:59 PM  
Blogger SHOBALI said...

Thank you so much for this Post, it actually made me laugh till I cried. You are absolutely hilarious!

10/13/2005 7:35 PM  
Blogger njericat said...

this gave me a real good laugh.. aki every one is wondering why I am in my cubical laughing so ... my bosss!

11/04/2005 11:16 PM  
Blogger njericat said...

ha ha ha h... can't stop laughing.. my boss is on his way to my space!....??+_)

11/04/2005 11:18 PM  
Blogger LifeMoments said...

I think it will be great if you hired a body guard...

11/11/2005 7:37 PM  

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