KBW SLEEZE RUMOR ROUNDUP

Just in case, you are new to the KBW SLEEZE crew. They are fictional journalists that debuted in another war back then that deal primarily with cheap sleaze. Now just thought I'd stir things up a little since its been quiet of late... with nothing but cheap humor at everyone's expense!
T=Tyrone and L=Lequita

T:Welcome to the KBW Rumor News RoundUp. I am the fly guy on the microphone, rugged like an ice cream cone, the one and only Tyrone. On my right here is our Latina Chiquita, Lequita , and we’re filling in for you regular anchor with the unshaven bush-Mutush .
L:Wasssup peeps, its your Ghetto-fabulous, firm ass, street smart diva up in the studio ready to spill some 411 on all y’all! You better sit tight coz I sure as hell will represent with the low down from your town.
T:You heard the braided sister. Today, we gonna round up what’s been happening around. Why have people gone all silent? And we’re gonna release some rumors going on…cause here on Sleeze News we deal only with real sleaze, straight up, made up drama, so hide you mama, cause manure's gonna blow up like Osama was a farmer!
L:So where do we start?
T:We can start with Nick’s Blog. That dude been so quiet ever since Guess broke his heart declaring mad-ghetto love for none other than Milo. Nigga didn’t even stand a chance didn’t even get 4 votes. The fat punk, been donut dunkin and hidin in another blog trying to resuscitate his wounded achy breaky heart. No wonder he is the serial blog killer!
L:Damn right i heard once u declare war on him you soon stop bloggin like the likes of MJY and Blue.
T:That's true...MJY be saying how she is busy at work but we know better, she was annihilated..as for Blue it's obvious he had one foot in the grave the other foot on a banana peel! When Guess breaks your heart, trust me destruction is just a coping vice...
L:Oh my homicidal Porcine Prince I’d love to unbreak his heart…I would not mind a little Pork-chop..get it Poke-chop. Not to mention some rump roast…fire up that grill I’m comin home and replacing your remote control with something different.
T:I hear you girl, going in for the kill like Ms Guess’s friend aren’t we?
L:Oh, Guess she is so in demand even from the ladies in different area codes... and just like the tease she is..she strings them along bumps them with her hips and drops them solid hard. First Nick…soon Milo will be dangling with his unmentionable jnr and twins wrapped in his net-ngotha…you saw what she did to that Diva. Going on an all expense paid trip acting all clueless... and when the babe wants nothing but some good old fashioned loving. Some jungle warming, a little leaf rustling and branch breaking... some getting to know each other on a multilevel level...damn i'm breaking into a sweat already...some bump and grind some stroke and slide-she refuses to give it up! Feigning sleep and disbelief, screamin ‘never gonna get it never gonna get it.’ I heard that babe be calling her ‘Guess-whore-ass.’ Now that gal was played, am sure she didn't see it coming! Guess am with you on this, Guess, if you gonna swing that way atleast get you some sleep first. You are my role model sista-play hard to get…but I wouldn’t have paid that heifer a cent!
T:Damn, we have chicks stringin people along like Gishungwa who waited till she was serenaded by Kamaru and his live band over some kachumbari, potatoes and the hottest Mutura in town…and when her beau Thomas proposed on bended knee…she picked the last toothpick…gobbled up the remaining nyake and told him over a full mouth that she was not feeling him and she don’t play that. Evidently, according to her, Thomas had squeezed the juice out of Gishungwa and nothing was remaining but seed and fibre..the girl had to step! Poor Thomas all he has now are his studies and a loan repayment scheme for that Rock she left with!
T:Now you know Guess and Gishungwa aren’t the only kinky ones.Coming up a close second on kinky is none other than Mutumia. Word is she was previously called Mutumie! This babe is a latent hurricane waiting to happen…she will have you all wrapped up from A-Z. Right now she is spinning two men round and round like a hoolahoop on her neck and waist and trust me the two of them are giddy!
L:Oh yeah, Mr man of Substance Acolyte(Akolittle), and my favorite hip hop brada Msanii Xtra Little…and trust me I’d know!
T:Are u saying here on live TV that you and Msanii and Acolyte…
L:Damn right…both a go…T.K.O…had them begging for more runnin around like hamsters, flip-flappin like seals, howling like coyotes…too bad I gave him them the clap, that messed their faculties and hence they be in the looney bin.
T:But did u say they were little?
L:Unlike TeeJ and her last minute pads- size don’t matter to me…sure it was like a straw in a swimming pool…but my motto is don’t ridicule a fool with a wee tool...just get to biznaz as long as they can work my...
T:You are lying..no way they’d bump uglies with you…
L:Then who u think was upstairs at Mshairi’s apartment interrupting her poetic juices? Am telling you we rearranged and reupholstered furniture…Acolyte is a screamer and Msanii a squeler…damn I gotta give them a call...cause they were chariots on fire and i was Ben Hur riding them for 8seconds like a rodeo bull!
T:I thought THAT it was Mr and Mrs Mutumia? Getting their differences straightened out if you know what I mean?
L:Nuh uh! You know we be making love breaking stuff that ghetto love!
T:Please u been around the block the block and then back-don’t they have the street named after you? Heck, you don’t even have to pay parking fees in that area code!
L:That’s right.Yeah, what I'm I supposed to do when I'm all alone and my child is crying on the bedroom floor cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep around for a little bit of money cause he's daddy's gone... Don’t get played get laid!
T:Who's your baby daddy?
L:Ask Akiey...
T:Ok, what other fiction u talking about?
L:All I’m saying…that man better come and raise his child. I"m a sue his pictoral ass for child support...
T:Didn’t he pull a Billie Jean on your broke ass and said u ain’t never been his lover and that child ain’t his son!
L:Says him...tell him to bring his DNA up here and I’ll prove it to you…cause he's been creepin with that other gal on the side.
T:K.I.D.A.D.A? Irena?
L:Oh, the are long history-he doesn’t hung around long enough…leaves your head spinning and before u realize u wake up knocked up and deflowered.
T:But Irena and Kidada don’t have kids? And I know they are off sound morals and principals! They are just friends from around the way.
L:What’s ur point? Uh huh what your point be?
T:Am just sayin you lying..him and kidada are just friends that’s all.
L:That’s what he wants us to believe, at that time he was two timing Irena…remember he broke her heart she even stopped blogging trying to recouperate! And she went soul searching for some inner peace cause Lord God she loved her some Akiey…and now she is all healed, she is CiruBackInBusiness..not looking back-you go girl!!!!
T:I think you are nuts! And hol’ up, he isn’t creepin, he is too busy working on projects, goin for a job thingamajig carrying his appropriate tools.
L:Appropriate ‘tool’ more like it. Trust me he has pulled that dressing up like Richard Gere routine before pickin up his Pretty Woman way too many times. And now it looks like Afromusing soon to be Afrogiggling…soon to be Ms Afronotamused is about to get picked up on the solar side walk for more than some recharging. Trust me one stroke of Akiey and you will need to go on Hiatus.
T:Let’s get this straight. Who have u not been involved wit on KBW?
L:Let’s see. There was that arrogant S.O.B biomaterials expert that designed my silicon boobies and had the freaking audacity to leave his signature on my right boobie ‘S!’ The freakin nerve how I’m I to explain that ‘S!’ Do I say its short for Sista? Sugar? Silicone?... but thankfully I didn’t pay a cent not even one...but boy I ain’t never contorted my body like that...no wonder he broke a tooth. Lequitta girl was not amused so I dropped his sorry ass! His the first bruda I ever dumped!
T:How bout Mental?
L:Hell freakin NO…that guy can drop it like its hot better than I can. Damn did u see him on that clip…he was dippin it low…rolling it all around…POP POP POP that thing! And u know that must have been JAM cause JELLY don’t shake like that!!!!!
T:But I thought Mental and Ms K be having a lil som sometin…
L:Get OUT!…is that why she is all broody and moody?
T:Yup claiming liberation and free spirit and preparedness…she is a shaken shaven cocoa doin some acrobatics of the arithmetic kind!
L:SHUT UP! What you mean arithmetic?
T:Am talking bout 5,6,7,8... baby girl is 1?2?3 weeks late!
L:Damn Damn Damn…U mean she and Mental? I need to call that girl up! I need some low down...is that why she was adding weight...go figure?
T:What about Sandman and Nakeel having secret rendezvous by the kids playground? You know him and his pedophile tendancies..he keeps insisting they go to playgrounds and schools and swimming pools…And she is so clueless! He be buying her ice cream and flowers..heck did u see her last post with her picture? You can tell she is smitten by this Sandman and his cataract eyes. Posing ever so sweetly and naïve with bouganvillae in her hair…having stolen mama's make-up...as she recites the 'Lonely Girl' poem he wrote for her...with a distant look in her eyes...an upbeat heart palpitation
L:No no no, Sandman is the dude that left Farmgal hanging the other night. She had candles all over the place, with some Luthor Vandross on CD. The place looked like an exorcism scene, and Sandman took to the hills like a little biAtch!
T:Word? You mean Sandman and Farmgal?
L:Straight trippin dawg. I hear she forked out her own money to put him up and build him his own store! Gave him all she had...and he be playing with a lil Nakeel on the side!
T:You mean he's a kept cheating man?
L:That’s what I heard. I heard this over the little party we had at Wangari’s house…you remember she moved house right..I'm telling you the ladies were gossiping harder than Kinyi takes down her liquor! Harder than Spicebear's addiction to the secret NYAS cult pro-Hitler organisation!
T:You of all people got invited? Who else was there?
L:Of course I gate-crushed…it was a high society tea party..and they served biscuits and…
T:Let me guess you were the Tart/Crumpet?
L:Nigga you’re gonna take that back…anyhu…Uaridi and Prousette were there. But it was too comfy for my liking. They were all too lady like! Prousette was there knittin her baby a matchin sweater, mittens and booties…. Mshairi was there with a red lollipop and seemed lost in translation…apparently she is not the same anymore. She kept whining how she felt like there is something missing…something that she couldn’t put down on paper?
T:Is it Blue? Cause I hear the two not together anymore?
L:Maybe...him...but I'm telling you she was giving as bad vibe worse than Wangari’s Color Scheme.Even Uaridi’s numerous roses couldn’t help…or were the roses the problem? She needs to ease up on them roses!
T:Oh! You had to go there. Wangari can’t decorate to save her life?
L:All I’m saying Cilia better come up and pray for her! Nurse her back to visual health! Damn even her imaginary friend Baloncraz can help in them prayers...we need to get the colorblind spirits EXORCISED!!!
T:Imaginary friends?
L:Cammon you mean you never notice how "some" people have numerous so called untraceable commentors...so I'm sure the likes of Baloncraz and Daud El Raud and many, many, many others are as real as my nails! And that's my political statement!
T:With all the nasty things you darn said you had better run after this airs.
L:Oh,I will run but with a little grace and finesse unlike our dear undeodorised Shiroh who was panting all over the highway…runnin helter skelter throwing Keringet water all on herself… she was all over the place like Medusa’s bad hair do!
T:Do u ever say anything kind? Do u ever sleep at night? You do know Medusa is gonna bitch-slap you into last night! Damn she will put her foot so far up your ass you will have toes for teeth!!!
L: … but you know I don’t sweat it..because it’s so pathetic...to let it…keep me involved in that He-Said she said crowd
T:Enough with the Salt and Pepa..who else we left out?
L:You tell me! Are you still trying to get it on with Kipepeo..last I remember you were chillin with the finns, rolling outta your jeans willing for some sins?
T:Damn, girl I visited her the other day and she was all trippin-but you know that’s the way love works out sometimes. I mean one minute I'm trippin next she’s trippin and we both be trippin…
L:So what happened?
T:I think she has contracted something nasty on her…something viral.
L:BIRDerfly FLU?
T:I wish..first day she was all pretty! Second day she was looking all nasty. Third day she was just PRETTY NASTY! So i told her when she recovers and feels well...she can call...someone else!!!
L:No, nasty is my Kymmbr calling it quits and leaving me high and dry! That player wanted none of my vibe..and now he has upped and left leaving me with the likes of you.
T:Speaking of which Sunflower too is leaving after her post got her in trouble. Remember how she got her groove back in Jamaican. When her petals were plucked one by one...yeah she made me feel like a eunuch! Hot Damn that girl played with my emotions!
L:But didn't you get yours with Stunnuh..as i recalled she was left with pure, unadulterated bliss.
T:I don't kiss and tell but that tigress left me wanting...she is a carnivore-devours whole.
L:I'm sure she does..but not like I do...anyway i guess that rounds up this episode of SLEEZE NEWS. Make sure you join us soon...for we will always try to be here embellishing like we should!
T:Yeah, its been great keep it locked and stocked..over and out! Peace!