Thursday, November 17, 2005

Tough Potty Time

The post has been done with funny contributions from the one and only, bro#2, my main man roomie and shall be highlighted in green.It's a journal of very trying times...that I am sure you will experience within the next two months. My wish is when you go through that then, you remember me through thick and thicker, through clenched cheeks/fists/armpits and curled toes!

You know its tough potty time, when:

-it’s been such a long time you have forgotten what THE feeling of urgency is…and when it comes like after a week…you start checking for vitals thinking that the end has come...maybe it’s a fever? Flu? That backed up feeling had become the norm, you had become one with bloating... that’s when it hits you that it’s not a symptom of new disease you just need some potty time.

-your blood is pulsating faster than your respiration, which is faster than the beads of sweat popping from your brow, which are drip-dropping faster than the speed at which you are blinking for you realize you have been missing in action for 30 minutes from work/class/friends place and it was your turn to play the playstation…or lock up!

-you start swaying side to side…first slowly…then speed is increased proportionately to a certain intra-abdominal pressure…and you are almost succeeding till the over rocking causes a crack in the weak link of a certain ‘chain’ and you have to start rocking the boat all over again.

-speaking of pressure…u can never increase it by holding your hands akimbo!

-nor by trying to squeeze just below your diaphragm.

-hoisting your legs onto the seat isn’t a bad idea…what’s a bad idea is your feet competing for space with your very tired and tried cheeks.

-you realize that keeping knees together like a Girl-scout may help!

-Above Girl Scout technique coupled with:
> bending over like those airplane survival manouvres
>bending like you wanted to dive into a pool cleanly
>bending forward like you had just popped off your contact
happen to work just fine.

-you only let air out of all orifices mouth, nose, ears etc except the one relevant derriere

-the pile up of mnyambo behind manenos is like traffic jam occasioned by mat stopping in middle of road

-attempts to operate colon as an accordion yield no musical harmony??

-when it comes out hard and dry almost with a smoking pop (coke bottle style) sound effect with a whistling yet thunderous after sound indicating all is clear. Fast you have a too fast too furious launch then a careless whisper or a rude burp to ascertain all is well.

-at times its so dry u may not even need to wipe for u have been left cleaner…obviously waxed…some skin may even be missing!

-it’s so dense and heavy it flushes itself!

-or cascades a tidal reflux that even the moon’s gravitational pull would envy!

-or dents the bottom like some form of anchor launched by the titanic!

-it tries your patience. Where after a successful 1minute push an inch emerges…and since you are completely fragile and weak…exhausted and tormented… and cannot go the long 10 inches…you give up and give in and cut it off at that 1 inch…and you know it’s a terrible mistake as you make it. Cause u know with less volume means more pressure which u cannot afford so you wipe up and remain with 9 inches for another day.

-as roomie would say you remain with a SORE RED spot!

-you come out triumphant and smiling! Light on your feet like some ballerina walking on their toes with a tutu! You’re practically singing in the rain! Pulling James Brown moves “watch out now!”

-after all is said and done…nothing emerges…the spirit is willing but the body doesn’t play that whole camel going through the eye of a needle!!! u just stand up re-dress and people are wondering why you took so long and then you didn’t have the courtesy to flush the loo or wash your hands…if only they knew.

-You have been there for such a long time pushing…that you pee once and it’s been so long in there you eventually pee again!

-inadvertent sounds don’t include those of pushing...but those that could be termed as midway between yelping and howling like a wounded coyote caught between a rock and a hard place!

-anatomy changes after a rearrangement of tissues and veins. A complex purple web of superficial veins criss-cross the touché re-defining varicoses and haemorrhoids!


Blogger Guessaurus said...

jiggy dance from me - yaay

11/17/2005 9:37 PM  
Blogger Milonare said...


thot i was quick


I feel like a constpation product tryng to race with diarrh**

11/17/2005 9:39 PM  
Blogger akiey said...

Am here, 3rd, unless Poi beats me to it:))

11/17/2005 9:46 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

Damn akiey! G and Milo.... a


11/17/2005 9:47 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11/17/2005 10:35 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

Yeah, the last post sounded like my key board was drunk! Anyway BooBoo, I'd much rather have a potty owie than have the past couple of poopy months! miss talkin to yah big time....catch you l8r g8r

11/17/2005 10:37 PM  
Blogger mutumia said...

Number 6!!!

11/17/2005 11:33 PM  
Anonymous the icon formerly known as the acolyte said...

Damn!!!Gotta stop camping at mutumia's blog if I am going to miss out on races!Sorry gal!It's just not been the same without your posts!Good to have you back!!!

11/18/2005 2:23 AM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

Settling for the ninth place.. soo bad coming to see my bro this late... Siz in law n # 2 sawa tu..

11/18/2005 12:09 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

finally made top ten off to read now
*ding oogachacha*

11/18/2005 12:48 PM  
Blogger akiey said...

Hehe! So does this make me 1st here for actually having read & come back to comment? Seems we all went bonkers racing to get here we forgot the reason we bumrushed the party,LOL!

Anyway, your collabo post is a biological or is it bowelogical sense.
Can't help LOL'ing bcoz of:
-you start swaying side to side…first slowly…then speed is increased proportionately to a certain intra-abdominal pressure...

- -hoisting your legs onto the seat isn’t a bad idea…what’s a bad idea is your feet competing for space with your very tired and tried cheeks.

I should be glad I only potty once a week. I just download everything onto my jump drive & delete it on my computer, yeah right!! LOL

11/18/2005 1:27 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

You two really do belong in the looney bin some of us are just ocassional visitors..

11/18/2005 6:42 PM  
Blogger Prousette said...

Who let you out of the looney bin again? whatever it is you have been smoking is making you worse by the day though could not help but smile.

11/20/2005 12:40 AM  
Anonymous I heart Nick and Milo said...

Dudes! Pwana! Only you two could elevate the poo in the loo to a blog this funny--- and I am so mad at you for the one where you let out air from everywhere else except-well that orifice... Then the 'girls scout technique' and 'airplane maneuvers'- I mean- how?? How do you come up with this? I cannot watch the air hostesses again without laughing!!! And LOL at re-dressing in disgust after all the wasted effort....

SICK I tell you- SICK -- I'ma call Guess- it's clearly time for your meds!

11/21/2005 5:45 AM  
Anonymous Nick said...

and the awards are:

@guessaurus:Gold is youraus, after u shakey for us
@milonare-yours is silverware, with ngothas wash and wear
@Akiey- A bronze key, and A-KIE-tepa cup of tea
@Poi-A copper toy-i that creams woi woi
@Stunnuh jay-Aluminium tray
@Mutumia:Milk of magnesia-m and lip balm after you kutumia
@Acolyte:TIN foil and Scotch Brite
@Nakeel:Glass shoe with stainless steel heel
@Gishungwa:A salad bowl for machungwa
@Msanii:An Xtrasoft Latex Catheter for ur thingy
@Prousette:A dinner set for ur kitchenette

11/21/2005 10:32 AM  
Anonymous Memoire said...

Just started eating a kasandwich lunch, then kaboom appetite gone err I think I'll have to read it later. Those google ads chekeshad me also @@@

11/21/2005 5:40 PM  
Blogger Msanii_XL said...

@Msanii:An Xtrasoft Latex Catheter for ur thingy

he he he some people got jokes?

don't mess with me pork don't want me to unleash a Vegan diet on you.

p.s. man i was dead asleep when you were on

11/21/2005 5:54 PM  
Blogger Adrian said...

some posts i find hard to comment on.
rest assured, this is one of them...

11/22/2005 1:40 PM  
Anonymous Mochalicious said...

LOL.....why lie, this is some funny shyte. true, but very funny. funny though how you aint laughing when you are actually in the loo doing this stingo. is 'mad' with your desciptions...cant stop laughing!

11/23/2005 7:55 PM  
Blogger spicebear said...

gives a whole new meaning to the phrase " tough shit" ...

11/23/2005 9:15 PM  
Blogger Adrian said...

lol @ the google ads thanks to this post; constipation - diarrhea - indigestion

11/24/2005 1:43 PM  
Anonymous I get no, satis-faction said...

Late but goes

Sometime when you are pushing, it is so hard it tears the side and yu feel some blood trickling - and it is so painful that you have a tear in your eye - and the process becomes even harder and harder -so you are tempted to give up the 10 inches altogether

There are times when it decides to come out, and it does, but just a little bit - and then when you think that its all gonna come, wapi - that's it for the day ladies and gentlemen

11/26/2005 9:03 PM  
Blogger The.Hanyeé said...

Nick! Mad kicheko at the accordion-mnyambo attempts, hahahaha...

The auto-flusher was a killer (oh! in sooo many ways!) too, hehehehe!

11/30/2005 3:41 PM  
Anonymous mocha! said...

Previews for SpiderMan3 are out to has gone darker. Can't wait for it to hit the theaters next year.

Have a nice day Nick!!!

6/29/2006 10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you know that guess is around? saw her the other day and just wondering if she will be there for the bloggers meeting?

6/29/2006 2:11 PM  
Blogger kipepeo said...

nickyboo stop inhaling the laughing gas at work!!! then again, if this is the product, go on and inhale somemore!!! this was hilarious. kwanza the position of crashing planes!! LAMO!!

6/30/2006 2:58 AM  
Blogger lissingmink said... u just stand up re-dress and people are wondering why you took so long and then you didn’t have the courtesy to flush the loo or wash your hands…if only they knew...

*rolling on floor, making choking noises- yes lauging*
lol you are what we call here for world cup- extremely hilarious- you so remind me of a friend, pity i havent seen her in ages- you would be perfect match....

nice- really nice- giving kodak a run for it's money (capture the moment...)

6/30/2006 1:49 PM  
Blogger akiey said...

Kool Nick, I darn sure like the new look blog. That Spidey template defines you completely bro! Great layout.

Now lemme wait for the next post before I get too comfy & start a Potty Party in here,hehe!

6/30/2006 7:21 PM  
Anonymous farmgal said...

What were u two smoking while on hiatus?
No comment!

I like the new look. very mzuri sana.

7/01/2006 10:56 AM  
Blogger mels said...

Only because you asked nicely...

7/03/2006 5:08 PM  
Anonymous Ms K said...

Auuuuiiiiiiii you must have had an orgasm when you saw this template!!! Looking really you inhere!

7/05/2006 8:51 AM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...


7/14/2006 8:28 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home