Tough Potty Time

The post has been done with funny contributions from the one and only, bro#2, my main man roomie and shall be highlighted in green.It's a journal of very trying times...that I am sure you will experience within the next two months. My wish is when you go through that then, you remember me through thick and thicker, through clenched cheeks/fists/armpits and curled toes!

You know its tough potty time, when:

-it’s been such a long time you have forgotten what THE feeling of urgency is…and when it comes like after a week…you start checking for vitals thinking that the end has come...maybe it’s a fever? Flu? That backed up feeling had become the norm, you had become one with bloating... that’s when it hits you that it’s not a symptom of new disease you just need some potty time.

-your blood is pulsating faster than your respiration, which is faster than the beads of sweat popping from your brow, which are drip-dropping faster than the speed at which you are blinking for you realize you have been missing in action for 30 minutes from work/class/friends place and it was your turn to play the playstation…or lock up!

-you start swaying side to side…first slowly…then speed is increased proportionately to a certain intra-abdominal pressure…and you are almost succeeding till the over rocking causes a crack in the weak link of a certain ‘chain’ and you have to start rocking the boat all over again.

-speaking of pressure…u can never increase it by holding your hands akimbo!

-nor by trying to squeeze just below your diaphragm.

-hoisting your legs onto the seat isn’t a bad idea…what’s a bad idea is your feet competing for space with your very tired and tried cheeks.

-you realize that keeping knees together like a Girl-scout may help!

-Above Girl Scout technique coupled with:
> bending over like those airplane survival manouvres
>bending like you wanted to dive into a pool cleanly
>bending forward like you had just popped off your contact
happen to work just fine.

-you only let air out of all orifices mouth, nose, ears etc except the one relevant derriere

-the pile up of mnyambo behind manenos is like traffic jam occasioned by mat stopping in middle of road

-attempts to operate colon as an accordion yield no musical harmony??

-when it comes out hard and dry almost with a smoking pop (coke bottle style) sound effect with a whistling yet thunderous after sound indicating all is clear. Fast you have a too fast too furious launch then a careless whisper or a rude burp to ascertain all is well.

-at times its so dry u may not even need to wipe for u have been left cleaner…obviously waxed…some skin may even be missing!

-it’s so dense and heavy it flushes itself!

-or cascades a tidal reflux that even the moon’s gravitational pull would envy!

-or dents the bottom like some form of anchor launched by the titanic!

-it tries your patience. Where after a successful 1minute push an inch emerges…and since you are completely fragile and weak…exhausted and tormented… and cannot go the long 10 inches…you give up and give in and cut it off at that 1 inch…and you know it’s a terrible mistake as you make it. Cause u know with less volume means more pressure which u cannot afford so you wipe up and remain with 9 inches for another day.

-as roomie would say you remain with a SORE RED spot!

-you come out triumphant and smiling! Light on your feet like some ballerina walking on their toes with a tutu! You’re practically singing in the rain! Pulling James Brown moves “watch out now!”

-after all is said and done…nothing emerges…the spirit is willing but the body doesn’t play that whole camel going through the eye of a needle!!!...so u just stand up re-dress and people are wondering why you took so long and then you didn’t have the courtesy to flush the loo or wash your hands…if only they knew.

-You have been there for such a long time pushing…that you pee once and it’s been so long in there you eventually pee again!

-inadvertent sounds don’t include those of pushing...but those that could be termed as midway between yelping and howling like a wounded coyote caught between a rock and a hard place!

-anatomy changes after a rearrangement of tissues and veins. A complex purple web of superficial veins criss-cross the touché re-defining varicoses and haemorrhoids!