Memories that make you go HMMMM!

We walk through life alone. Suffer alone and many a times in silence. Especially if you are an only child you appreciate what solitude can do to you-it’s either a blessing or a tragedy. But you come to appreciate what and how much friends and relatives contribute to your life. Yup this had the makings of a deep post-but oh hell to the no! This is a post on friends and relatives, and I wish to share some cheap moments of unbridled laughter that remain in the back of our minds…note how these are probably their worst memories as well…Since they don’t read my blog they will realize why they should! These are just but a few incidents of upcoming posts.

M: My fellow, rotund best friend. Who once in a fit of astute bravery- after calling me a sissy, took a cup of tea served straight from a sufuria which came straight from a jiko. Boiling is an understatement, as I asked for another cup to cool my cup. He looked at me like he had lost all hope! With the Machismo and Balls of Jamhuri High School and Upper Hill High combined-he took a healthy swig of that Tea. I think time stood still for him! He produced such a barely inaudible whimpering sound, and almost coiled up like the Hunch Back as he struggled to swallow it, but ultimately lost the battle and spat it out! My now cross-eyed friend was trying to downplay the fact that he wasn’t in pain, and that the tears rolling down his cheeks were a figment of my imagination. I just looked at him with tears welling in my eyes as well as he fanned his mouth with the mandazi he was holding. As we waddled back to school, he was peeling of his upper gum asking me to check if there was much damage. Oh, of course it was no biggie, gums do re-grow right?!


B: Medicine ward rounds. We were being taught how to examine for lymph nodes in the arm pit. Quick summary in layman’s terms there are 4 walls and the roof. Now B with his manicured nails (I’m just teasing) was requested to demonstrate how to examine, he didn’t see that coming. So he quickly looks for a box of gloves and in Kenyatta those things are rare like a good smell. So he tries to beat about the bush…and the Consultant is getting unamused demanding he demonstrates how to check. So, there is the patient with an obviously sweaty unshaved armpit…and he tries to examine him over the patient’s gown so as not to touch his skin. To which the the consultant yanks his arm of the gown and delivers it straight to the moist, awaiting armpit at body temperature. Manually, he was directed through each of the four walls and up the apex!!!! Oh, he felt those nodes alright. I’m sure he picked up some DNA on his nails too. Worst, part he had to wait an hour till the ward round demonstrations were finished before he could dash to the nearest sink to wash his hands. His flustered frazzled face was priceless, not to mention he curled his fingers like a fair damsel. Arched at the wrists, each finger on its own like some form of arthritis!

Lewis: My dumb ass cousin from Nyeri. Dec Holidays 1987 an assortment of cousins meet up in shags as is the norm. Another cousin Wangechi and I are so an amused with his whining self that one of us calls him an ‘Asshole!’ I’m telling you such fowl mouth in such young children. Anyway, the idiot (we still call him that!) starts asking us what that means! In all sincerity, he wanted to know! What the Kcuf! And worse he demanded in Kiuk “Assy-horr ni ndue?” He gets so persistent that he threatens to go ask his dad! Damn punk he had me by the balls and Wangechi by the nipples. Somehow he had turned things round and we were under his ignorant mercy. NB: We sure as hell didn’t know what it meant, by the way!
So Lewis still curses us for that moment. Wangechi passed on in 2002…and all he has to say is “ One down, One more to go!”

Lewis: Oh boy! Oh boy! I should just have named this post after him. Apparently in the same holiday I was wearing some loose shorts, such that, at a time I bent over I revealed a butt crack. Now to him, this was the best thing to happen to him because the poor fool thought he was the only one that had one. And as he recalls-I have no recollection of this whatsoever- I apparently sat him down and told him about the buns and the cracks. And he was so relieved he lived happily ever after. (LMAO! LMAO! LMAO!)


M: This child had a heart of Gold and the persistence of a summer rash. He could get onto your last nerves-with his forgetfulness, stubbornness and annoyance. Lunch time, the moron forgot his lunch money again. So guess who has to suffer-his friends. So as usual he takes over control of our money…he begs and borrows and he divvies up how the money has to be spent. Eventually he manages to buy himself a descent amount of food and guess what even has enough change to buy for the street kids some lunch too. Impressive! Worse, he has munched his chips with his fat fingers all oily, and then he wipes off grease and tomato sauce on his burger. He is totally clueless that you are watching him. And then he has the audacity to look at you with some angel eyes that would have you adopting him immediately and offer you, with utmost kindness, if you would like a burger! I don’t know what was worse-him eating a burger off your money while u were having none…or the fact that he had just wiped off his hands on it!!!!

P: After a balloon debate in which I emerged victorious. He came congratulating me wholeheartedly, and further added that it was a good thing that I had defeated R. He continued how R thought he could debate and was always wasting his time in debates. R was crap! R was useless! R this… R that. He kept trying to high-five me…and I was unresponsive. All this time I’m speechless/stunned/quiet because R was standing next to me and the Dumb-Ass was not seeing him as he went on and on…well not for long cause R cleared his throat and there was an awkward moment followed by sheepish grins followed by quick scampering into the distance!

P: Same P as above, this time eager and willing to learn how to count stomata under the microscope, enquired off the biology teacher how to do so. To which the sarcastic teacher replied “You start with one…proceed to two…eventually you reach three…” That is what you call TRAUMA! When the whole Bio Class is rolling in stitches!

G:LOL squared. This Girl was so brave for taking part in a School Play as the only female role, when she was just a form one with season veterans like us. Scenario: She was supposed to go faint all of a sudden and we were to carry her by her shoulders and legs and carry her onto the table. What happened during rehearsals: She faints and three of us dash for her as always and she falls in our arms. We carry her…however en-route to the desk…suddenly her weight shifts and the 3 of us are in bad positions to stop this from happening. And she tips, overturns and is headed towards the floor but is stopped by the corner of the desk connecting with the bridge between her boobies! After the brief encounter of the close kind she lands onto the floor with disheveled. Now at first we were worried! But her releasing a tiny yelp assured us she was ok. Did I fail forget to mention the so-called veterans were immature childish Form Two’s. Giggles/Guffaws/Chortles/Laughter filled the air. She arose holding and patting her bossom like she was choking, arching her back like she was about to bear a child…and her left hand was as speechless as we were for either it was on her back, her forehead, in the air waving us off, or touching the edge of the desk in disbelief…Her left hand did the talking! She had so many poises like each was an expression of emotion. There was the “Oh my Gawd this just didn’t happen!” “Are my Ribs intact?” “Ouch, that Hurt!” “I never wanna dance again cause guilty feet have got no rhythm” “If I squeeze my boobies 3 times saying -there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home- all this might disappear!”

The female director run to her and couldn’t rub her pain away. Everyone was laughing hysterically and so was she….that scene was perfected!