Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Sleeze Crew: KBW's NEXT TOP MODEL!


Tyrone: Sup people, it's been too long! Just when we thought our show had been cancelled it’s been picked up for a third season after a successfull first and second season. We’re glad to be back! As usual we have Lequita here with us. Our Project Princess. And I am Tyrone, supreme King that has you asking for more and does everything just right!

Lequita: Project Princess? Oh you are so kind, I thought I was just Ghetto-fabulous. First I’d like to start off with a rare deed of saying thanks to all the guys that have been writing letters asking for mama Lequita’s return to the Silver Screen. I knew all y’all loves lil Lequita…so no more cheap shots from me to all the guys out there. No more Acolyttle jokes or Msanii X Little…Even Milo’s unmentionable conjoined twins will be spared. But girls take out your horse-hair weaves, acrylic nails, fake gold accessories and let’s get ready to rumble.

Tyrone: Hey! Hey! Hey! Today we are not fighting but discussing the fine ladies that are in KBW. The exquisite and sumptuous sista’s that need to be praised and exalted. We need to celebrate them and their beauty

Lequita: Yeah Whatever! Cammon we have to spice things up. You know this has been inspired by Guess putting all the guys in the limelight it's now a turn for the ladies to be under the limelight-running mascara and all…out of your high heels divas, lets see them nappy toe nails and YODA like feet-Oh yes this is the Phantom Menace ready to get Darth Vader on all them ladies in the house!!!!!

Tyrone: No we are gonna give them ladies all the respect they need. You know this KBW pageant has been going through many preliminary rounds and finally we have our 3 of 6 semi-finalists contenders ready to strut their stuff.

Lequita: Hmm, so how is this playing out. Today we highlight three of them and tomorrow the other three right?

Tyrone: Right! We shall feature each dame and finally a vote shall be cast…we shall try to be unbiased in our criticism and civil!

Lequita: We shall?

Tyrone: We will! Save your bitchy comments to yourself. Get out off your ‘my momma didn’t love me so I hate all women’ slogan and be decent, ya heard!

Lequita: You know my momma didn’t raise me right!

Tyrone: Yup she didn’t raise no lady but that not the point of discussion right here…there’s a time and a place…and we know damn well you are very well familiar with that phrase.

Lequita:At least I get some.. considerin' the last time u had some it was still called ‘nookie.’ Speakin of which who calls it 'some' anyway Mr Macho?

Tyrone: Your Mama! That's who and Oh, I’m doing fine for myself, thank you very much...'some'...'nookie'...'poke-fest'...it don't matter, I'm doing just fine!

Lequita: No, I think you are doing it by yourself! But anyhu...on to the main show!


Model # 89: GUESS

Strutting herself on the runway with the song “More than a Woman” by Aaliyah.
Hobbies include: Sky diving. Hitch hiking! Pranking the Jehova's Witness at her door step!
Self-analysis: Self proclaimed that she became a woman at 4. If won a million she would get Marvin a clone…and spend some cash to figure out what the child in her would think of the adult she is now and the rest spend in healing the world making it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race!
Secret: Could Lip sync all of ABBA’s songs and secretly wanted to be the 5th member to GABBA!
Dress: MiloWear’s Chiffon Polka-Dot motif with a little red riding hood theme!
Theme: Naughty and nice with lots of spice!


Tyrone: Ah the woman with dumps like a truck. Single, in UK. Got’s it going on. Kind hearted, generous and very very giving-your regular Santa clause. Her bootilicious bootie leaves many mouths open and drooling. Sexy, fair and lovely, long flowing hair with Michelle Pfeifer like lips!

Lequita: You forgot to mention in her mid 30’s, and we’re talking after the peak in the curve. We’re talking about a biological clock that broke down and stopped ticking a long time ago… but at least tells the correct time two times a day.

Tyrone: Liar, she doesn’t look a day over 29! HA! Look at how she embraces the cat-walk. Look at her. Grace and Charm. Sailing flawlessly in her chiffon polka-dot dress and pig tails. Look at the crowd cheering. Whistling. Cheering. Asking for more... more...more as she shakes what her mama gave her and swaggers those long legs that reach her armpit! Those mahogany stumps that would have you wood-chucking even during the winter without a winter coat! Look at her pull a 180 without dislocating her neck. Attitude! Elegance!

Lequita: Oh yeah? How about them shoulder pads?! Damn I failed to get the memo that shoulder pads are back with a vengeance and that she is their cover girl spokeman! Very eighties! NOT to mention she coulda at least shaved…We can tell she has never heard of Veet…or worse a Bic Razor!!!! Surely she shoulda known that TV camera’s ZOOM in!

Tyrone: I shall totally disregard that and just enjoy a piece of art.

Lequita: I do not see this one winning, that’s all I’m gonna add. I just hope heiffersaurus returns my borrowed Gucci bag…cause I have two more days to get my money back and she be saying how she needs it just for one more date!


Model #17: Shiroh

Taking over the stage with “Independent Woman” by Destiny’s Child
Hobbies: Blogging. Jogging. Hogging. Secret trips to downtown Bed and Lodging!
Self-analysis:Survivor! Stronger than most people give her credit for. Was never vaccinated for any childhood diseases but triumphantly survived mumps, measles and chicken pox without a scar. Believes in kindness and looking for the greater good in people in a society that is full of evil. Her role model include her nursery school teacher who at a very early stage taught her 6 from 9 and b from d!
Secret: Has six toes! Not that one foot has six toes…she has five on one and just the big toe on the other foot…did I mention was never vaccinated?
Attire: Tight leather skirt. Knee high boots. A tight Kimbo t-shirt with the original slogan!
Theme: Tight is right, tighter even better!


Lequita: Oh that’s my gal right there. Go Shiroh! No color coordination. No direction. No cat-walk skill but oozes confidence and esteem as she is sweating under them lights. That hair needs to be conditioned, a mud bath wouldn’t hurt her skin and cucumbers would do wonders on them eye-bags…but I want this woman to win. She represents a DIVA! A BABE! She clearly don’t want no trifling broke ass punk! That there is a winner. She has high eye on the prize and its price tag! Just like my momma darn always told me. She used to say to me when I was just 9 “Quita, you best make sure that all those boys you keep bringing home are filthy rich! Forget personality ..forget a sense of humor…forget a tiger in bed…forget if they shower or not… the only smell that matters is that from a fat wad of cash- that’s all that counts! Your hear! Now go finish you spelling practice!”

Tyrone: Could we talk about the models? No, this is a fine chick right here. Fit as a fiddle. Ripe like a fruit nourished with T.L.C! Look at her poise. Look at that long neck. The sinuous curves. The ample dashboard that she carries with exuberance! It’s bursting at the seams, under that T-shirt! Could someone turn on the sprinklers lets get her wet! Sure, she is a gold digger but she sure is worth all that gold. A lawyer by proffesion she comes with her own pre-nup! Can’t compete with beauty and brains-what a HOT combination. Not to mention those BATA shoes…the Brown ones are doing wonders to that tight skirt!

Lequita: She sure has come a long way and that is why she is an inspiration to many and to me. She used to herd cows in the slopes..whislting away with her brothers and now plays the flute and drives a Mercedes Benz! Of course it a'int hers but that is not the point. She represents all the village girls that have risen above tribulations. She’s my fav and I want her to win

Model #379: KENYANMUSINGS

Doing her thing to the song “IF” by Janet Jackson
Hobbies: BadBoys. Toys. Badboy Joys! Toy Joys!
Selfanalysis: Loves the process of thinking. Thinking about a prospective upcoming (UP-COMING) roll in the proverbial hay. She wants to strike while there is still an iron somewhere in the metal shop. What has kept her strong are those early morning exercises, 200 push ups/press ups/squats/bench presses and using her stockings as skipping ropes after a night of them serving as a headscarf!
Secret: Allergic to deodorant and her first indicative evidence has never cleared from her armpits, but hides it well with her bushy hair.
Dress: A free flowing sari by Mizrahi
Theme: Complex-a cross between surrealism and confusicsm,the dawn of a new era!


Tyrone: You know I had never seen her but she is the epitome of beauty! She brings to the stage what many can’t achieve-STYLE! Look at that tall threatening frame, an outstanding and overwhelming 6 foot 5 height that would leave any insecure man running-but not this Tyrone. I am enamored by her stature. Captured by her presence. I have been tangled in her fishnet and I a'int struggling for air just waiting to be reeled in!

Lequita: To me she looks like Grace Jones and Kim Wayans…

Tyrone: Oh! Shut up! Look at those augmented cheek bones, wrinkle free face with a little help from botox. Her eyes are the next best thing after Vanessa Williams. She has this gaze that undresses you leaving your vulnerable…piercing right through your soul making you want to confess you wanna steal some cookies from her cookie jar…

Lequita: Boy, you better relax, if you ask me she is a little too butch for my liking!

Tyrone: No one is asking you, Ms was rejected in the first round! Look at her swagger. Look at those hips. Look at that smile. Look at that twinkle in her eye!

Lequita: No what you mean is. Look at those mechanical bony hips! Look at that chipped stained tooth. Look at that twinkle in her GOOD eye! Boy you are so blind...she looks like a stunt man from a boxing Movie.

Tyrone: Oh that’s cold. You know that eye-patch is costume! Are you gonna sit there and actually say that KM doesn’t have a chance?

Lequita: The dress she’s wearing is gorgeous and yes it looks good on her...but she looks out of place. Perhaps if the stage was a war zone and she was in army fatigues…camouflage painted on her face…army boots…hair disheveled… bombs in her belt…mobile telephone on top of her rack-sack as she screams “May-Day May-Day, enemy fire right ahead” in her Pavarotti tenor…then…perhaps then… maybe then...only then... would she have a chance especially if a mine blew off right there and then!

Tyrone: OH! OH! OH! You child are cold. Damn!

Lequita: That’s right that's Lequita here showing no love for them ladies.

Tyrone: They don’t need you. Not when Tyrone with a sunrise smile, rainbow eyes has their back! And I won't even mention the heavy plumbing this brick layer can lay. Or the heavy artillery this farmer can plough...Be gone witch!

Lequita: Nah I’ll be right here with you! Like my yeast infection I a’int going nowhere!

Tyrone: Stay tuned guys we’ll be back with the remaining contestants.

25 Comments:

Blogger Poi said...

Wewe, nice to have back Gichboy. Numero Uno, heheh what a come back maze someone better not be sneaking up on me.

Let me stop here. Off to read, ahh i knew a Tuesday afternoon wouldn't be as boring anyway.

Be well :)

4/12/2006 12:45 AM  
Blogger Poi said...

Whoa! this is most interesting Gich, it made my afternoon kabisa! The laughs i'm so floored hehehhe you're one loose and lost nut that's faw shaw but I'm loving it so keep bringing it on.

I'm camping right here for the next 3 top models you better bring it on ASAP.

Again nice to have you back thus I shall spare you the hand-off just for today LOL

Have a lovely week!

4/12/2006 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Grumpy Guess said...

Poi, gal we are so taking this outside. Nick, stay out of it.

LOL nice to have your ass back in here singing for your lunch - or is it votes. I have your number..

Kiss kiss - oh and that is not your ass by the way, the other cheeks mate, the ones that you bite. do the math.

Now a grumpy Guess off to read what you are using my name in vain for...

4/12/2006 1:09 AM  
Anonymous Model #89 said...

N.I.C.H.O.L.A.S!!???????????

I will let you know that when that Nokia phone was working, the ring tone was More than a woman so that is a very LOL moment. I am not sure which part to take a fence (offence) at so I will just say this to you. You are still insulting my mama (with that age thing, you know what I'm saying), and for that, promised present is not only deferred for now, but completely disregarded. You know I will be seeing you! That Santa Clause (sic) is now Santa Closed, permanently!!

Marvin, bless his iron robot feet, is not even gonna give you the grace to grace this space, so your ass is grass, your butt is toast, and your blog is a bog... see you sucker, l8r g8r

Having said all that, this was soooo funny, too funny. 'Quita is just hating, she is jealous of what my mama (who you keep insulting that she had her first baby at 8 yrs old, remember the math?) and my daddy too, calling him a paedophile gave me - you (Tyrone and Lequita)are so going to hell in a Jehovah's Witness box - and I aint giving no blood to save your Babyfaced ass from being blood-sucked to a ghost, nor butt-fucked by them guys from OZ, actually I have some of them lined up to partake to your collective nice, soft, cute, girly (yes, kick me, you are as girly as any girly boy will ever be, and I have witnesses - heck, send me a Black Maria and I might need two, three, loads, to load us witnesses to laugh at your asses as they are being mauled by ... my mole - yes, I have been watching Prison Break too, and recruiting witnesses for that. And you cannot have Wentworth Miller, even if you and him can compete in the cutie pie arena notwithstanding.

Now I have a new quest: Nick Vs Miller - the search for the new Hottie.

Hmm - is there a limit to how much one can scrowl around here..

Ah well, rules and G dont go together.

I should come back and comment again tomorrow but I have a feeling I will be otherwise engaged - soooo
(Shut up anybody who has something to say about this long rant: this is personal personal, better still, private personal, so back off, read enjoy and move on to the next pageant, I am so not saving this blog as it were (poutingly said: Nick started it!!!)

Ok!! Ok point taken, I shall be back (Ernie snarl here)

4/12/2006 1:55 AM  
Anonymous Kelitu said...

Hahahahaha @ "Like my yeast infection, i'm not going anywhere." Damn! that much be some stratching.

4/12/2006 2:05 AM  
Blogger Poi said...

@Guess girlie we outside, alright. Hheheh how could i forget yani, just dinn know you too hate on others, or whats up with this vibe with the Jehova Witness, heheh y'all too funny

4/12/2006 2:43 AM  
Blogger KenyanMusings said...

LOOOL, Nicky, tihihihihi aki dude, no wonder the texts at weee hours to 'damage control'. I was wondering asi!?

LMAO, ati twinkle in my good eye. Okay fine, 10 nil. LOOOOOOL. That May day scene juz killed me daddi.

Why you have to go do me like this Laquisha/Shaniqwa? Damn girl!...

Don't let me catch you in the dark alone Nicky!!

And that movie sweetie...forget! Sahau forget.
Bilas. Is bila. Isabella!!!

LOL, but killer post you mean heartless man. I hope those mtus in Nyeri they er, they refuse to let you pull out their teeth.

I bet you dont give people lollies even. Hmmmppph!

4/12/2006 9:18 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

so late sh8t!!!!

Lemme run and read lakini ive booked this spot!!!

4/12/2006 10:24 AM  
Blogger Milonare said...

Hahahaha

Aki this one is a killer LOLOLOLOL

Lequita: You forgot to mention in her mid 30’s, and we’re talking after the peak in the curve. We’re talking about a biological clock that broke down and stopped ticking a long time ago… ROTFL

a mud bath wouldn’t hurt her skin and cucumbers would do wonders on them eye-bags… LMBAO

and

using her stockings as skipping ropes after a night of them serving as a headscarf!

ROTFLTIME

heiffersaurus No that was the killer LOOOOOOOL

Hahahahaha

Lemme run and call Fulo we see what he says LOL

4/12/2006 10:39 AM  
Blogger Prousette said...

Woi!!

4/12/2006 3:14 PM  
Anonymous M.O.C.H.A. said...

LOL LMAO ROTFLMAO

Ok....am under 'Bloggers Block' even when commenting. Wacha I come back when I have recovered and weka my peni mbili about KBWNTM! lol

4/12/2006 4:12 PM  
Anonymous KymmBr said...

Aiight! Now KBW is going peagant? huh?
Bwaii can I vote now? coz am so hitting on the G-spot like right away......

4/12/2006 8:19 PM  
Blogger Stunuh Jay said...

Man, you ain't right! Yeast infection! eeewwww

4/12/2006 9:38 PM  
Blogger The Devious One said...

Funny....very funny - damn ithink my bra unstrapped itself from me laughin too hard...
Nick I ask U,. did U write this blog when U were ON or OFF your meds ??
Either way, pass one on to me !

4/13/2006 12:28 AM  
Blogger spicebear said...

damn nicky, i have been hilarized! too too funny. six toes in total? woi njezus ... lol!

4/13/2006 8:09 AM  
Anonymous Gold Digger said...

Nick wait for your summons. I am definitely suing you!!!!

4/13/2006 8:42 AM  
Anonymous Back with Missiles said...

Ngai Nick aki you are such an as* H**e

Ok more like i will vuruta your ears like Mwalimu Jini. You thank your Jesus and that lunch is so over. Maybe until i get a crate of Black Ice delivered to my doorstep.

How dare you??????????

No color coordination. No direction. No cat-walk skill but oozes confidence and esteem as she is sweating under them lights
WTF!!!! I am so calling my lawyers. And no those bribes

Nick punk Nick,,.wacha kwanza with that box hair style.

I will be most back....

4/13/2006 8:55 AM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

your behind is toast! obviously you've been missing your daily meds...
you're very mean young man...very mean

4/14/2006 7:04 PM  
Anonymous My Fave A$$ said...

i knew you had it in you. Sijui niseme am with Milo LOL kabisa.....
if it gets worse i will hide you si yopu jua our candle lit pilau is overdue.... he mwendwa todo because LOL

4/14/2006 7:54 PM  
Blogger Poi said...

Happy Easter, Gichboy!

4/14/2006 9:36 PM  
Blogger akiey5 said...

Word from Tafsiri Maarifa Media:
"Mr.Nicholas Gichu, please step back into the boardroom...the last 3 scripts you pitched have been approved for production!"

Wow,wow,wow! You broke the girls down to their bare flesh & bone and you are about to suffer the wrath of many women adorned,lol!

Nicely done & I can't help these laugher pangs splitting my sides. Nice read!!

@KM,LOL! @ "Don't let me catch you in the dark alone Nicky!!"

@Farmgal, I see you have the old school iron boxes aimed at Nick,lol!

4/15/2006 1:33 PM  
Blogger Nakeel said...

Jeeeeeeez #3 thats why u were missed like this...
Lol at Shiro immunized for mumps... and K.M Kim Wayans lol.......

4/15/2006 3:53 PM  
Blogger kittens said...

hey nick,
you just cracked me up. ebu bring on the next three contestants i just can't wait. as for lequita.. where is the love and your grandmama did have a point.......go back to practising your spelling.

4/15/2006 7:35 PM  
Anonymous acolyte said...

Walks in after missing the action and proceeds to sit at the back of the hall

4/17/2006 12:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kenyans from around the U.S., Canada and Europe are getting together in Houston, TX. for an event that will fondly be remembered as Kenya ’06.
Interesting activities including Miss USA Kenya Pageant, Soccer, Rugby Tournament, Dancing, Dj Scratching and Billiard Pool Competition, Moonwalk and Air Castles for Kids etc.
For details about the Kenya '06 Reunion Bash visit the website for more details: http://www.frakaz.com

Flyer @ http://www.frakaz.com/kenya06.html

Please fwd it on to your buddies.

4/19/2006 1:53 AM  

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