Thursday, August 25, 2005

Why I've been Silent?

-No, am not on a “BREAK” from my true love blog. And NO, I'm not having an affair and operating another blog incognito…or am I?

-No, the fact that my landline at home is not working... and now have to operate from cyber cafes…no access to internet hours on end…(sheddin tears as I type)…no that has nothing to do with it ...the fact that i miss my mozilla firefox...i miss that dial up from the comforts of pyjamas and music...

-No! MJY has not threatened to silence me…however I hear her upcoming post might not be pretty! And there have not been any talks of separation or divorce…those are nasty rumors being spread by lawyers who have never heard of confidentiality…love has lifted us up where we belong…we belong together and you know that am right…this is not the end of the road…she is not all cried out…waters have not run dry…our endless love is ever blazing ever blazing …I don’t wanna be a player no more…am stuck on you and I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just cant lose…

-No, neither has Guess nor Shiroh held me captive tied up to their bedposts (damn how many notches did I just count on their head-posts??)…getting fed on grapes and occasional belt welts!!!(hint hint girls!!!) Can you say working over time!

-No! Blue compass did not beg me to abstain from posting anything about him…he politely requested…the so called white flag routine...which I granted to him, but trust me the war ain’t over…he and his only friend Sandman(you coulda chosen clay or loam but u chose weak sand…) better go back to their cave walls and restrategise!! (NB they didn’t have drawing boards back in their days!) …I kill me!!!!

-No, I'm not busy measuring up for a suit for Mshairi’s wedding…or writing up a speech...or regrouping the Sleeze crew to unleash terror on the our Blog-Matriach’s groom to be! No that ain't it!

-No, my computer privileges have not been revoked here at the sanitarium...all is well! Though Milonare has been snoring a tad loudly of late…as MsaniiXL sucks his thumb relentlessly in a puddle of pee…I'm not too sure, but the air around the two of them is slightly non-hip-hop more ghetto-gangster rap! But serenity is always restored when Guess comes over in the evening with some ‘pills’ to chill our ills! …there’ll be some sweet times coming down on the night shift…it’s gonna be a long night…it's gonna be alright…on the night shift!

-No, it's not the fact that the post I’m working on still needs enough juice, drama and sauce. I’m still pairing up bloggers...based on their similarities and also how they interact with each other one on one E.g. Guess/Akiey, Mshairi/Blue, BadBoy Kymmbr/GoodGirl Poi, Kinyi/Freak Engineer, Milonare /Ms K, of course the immortal Mental/MJY…but that’s a post that could drain me and SPIDEY here has no strength…or a working dial up. Trust me you need to weave such a web when you have instant access…in the case of a war outbreak u need to be online!

-No Ms K, Gishungwa, and Kari I have not been the figure lurking in the shadows outside your bedrooms….you’ve got the wrong super-hero! It's Batman who does lurking…I creep... not lurk! But all the same…y’all look cute asleep!

-No, am not on a weight losing programme, in fact it’s been the opposite. In the past week I have indulged thrice in sumptuous buffets! Oh all without punishment of food poisoning! Oh I had me some chilli mutton…trust me that sheep was a raised for eating! It did not walk to its death, that baby, probably sat on cotton and was carried around… Damn y'all must discover the whole idea of going out on an eating spree-screw the bill, just savor the moment...oh and if you are eating in a jisty restaurant its very wise to just buy a bottle of 1litre mineral water=5-6glasses as compared to sweatin with a bottle of soda/juice since you can't afford another one.
Of course am now slightly broke-and no my phone has not been disconnected or electricity …hey who turned off the lights!?

-No, I have not been abducted by Aliens, or been returned by them…and am not one anyway!
-No, it's nothing to do with the fact I watched arguably the best movie this year 'CRASH' Damn that movie was too real and original-with a stellar 'B' list was nice seeing Ryan Phillipe, Larenz Tate, Matt Dillon, Brendan Frasier, Sandra Bullock all in one film. S! you were right about this movie. The style in which all characters eventually evolve and revolve around the others...this movie must be a contender come Oscar time!!!!
-Lastly it's nothing to do with the slamming weather we're having. Ladies and Gentlemen:heat has returned and am out in the sun getting a tan! Look out for a new bronze-lord out there!! I've also missed challenging my deodorant like this!! I derive strength from the sun(ooops wrong super hero again) I am rejuvenated and brand new...yeah whole load of crap!!!

So there you have it…that’s not why I have been away for long!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Sleeze News: Blog War II

"Good evening this is Mutush with the breaking blogging news. War had been declared...again! This time Nick vs a self proclaimed veteran who comes with plenty of age(by the kilo) and experience. So far our sources have no understanding of the origins of this war. All we have is unconfirmed rumors that the Poet did not appreciate being called old! He detests being reminded that 'four decades' is an age and not some singing sensation. Sources say that he detests the vibrance and youth that Nick represents and exudes. On the other hand, Nick doesn't appreciate certain insinuations that the Poet declared all Kikuyu Men to be poor lovers! Adding insult to injury the Poet has even declared himself the Blog-Cassanova, and even challenged the female fans to choose between him or Nick. Once again, we repeat we have not confirmed the authenticity of these allegations, but it is certain that war has been declared and the first low punch has been delivered by the Poet going by the name Papa Smurf! Will this be a battle of egos? Will it be youth vs nursing-home proximity? Will it be a battle of who the ladies like? Will it be a battle of kikuyu's vs kamba's? Only time can tell.

We are joined by our fellow reporter, reporting live form the boxing arena situated outside Poet's hometown at a local social hall. I hear the air is filled with tension and excitement. Fans are being welcomed with sumptuous Muthokoi in multi colored plates. Typical short kamba men irate with their sterotypical hot-tempers arguing everywhere selling tickets left right and centre. Locals obviously supportin their man Papa Smurf-but having great difficulty pronouncing/articulating his name;phonetically and without sounding like they are singin. They have declared him the obvious winner. In fact the whole town's population of uneducated mohines have left their workstations and are present in droves. Goats have been spared of milking. They have all rallied behind their poet! The poet who in his old age has resorted to writing pornographic poems-hence the coining of the phrase Blue Poet! Does he practice what he preach? Is he a stud as he says...or is he just full of hot air! Do we chose to believe that at his age he surely isn't dysfunctional...and that actually he can go the war and otherwise? We shall soon find out!

Apparently some bloggers are attending the fight as well, most not siding with anyone yet...but are there for a cheap thrill. For more details lets turn over to our reporter Lequitta."

Live Feed From The Arena

Mutush:Lequitta can you hear us?
Lequita:Hey Mutush I can hear you loud and clear. Am telling you the air up in here is all nasty!
Mutush:Is the violence that bad?
Lequita:No, I'm just talkin bout a grumpy old man, in speedos and his butt crack showing...deng that's plain nasty!!!! Word of advice gramps doesnt matter if you're the greatest lover-don't flaunt it, hide it!!!....and hide it well too!!!
Mutush:How bout the other contestant Nick?
Lequita:He be wearing some spiderman costume but he looks pretty alright. I wouln't mind getting tangled up in his web if you gets what I'm saying my brother. However speculations say that he is not making any statements yet...he's just going straight for the fight. He feels the old man has had a good deserved head-start.
Mutush:Who looks like the favorite to win?
Lequita:Its too early to say. On one corner we have a brother sayin he can last 12 rounds as he does in the sack...he is pulling some sweet vibe how he like wine and shit. How with age he be all better and stuff. Sure he's breathing a bit heavy, his gait a little sluggish, but he looks pretty confident. His succulent pot belly.... prominent forehead.... untrimmed nose-hairs...arrogant demeanour adds a little air of rugged musculinity, I must add! Trust me if i was a wild pig i'd bare him healthy piglets with pride!!!!
Mutush:And on the other side?
Leqita:Well, there's just Nick! Like I said its Old Sammedy Sam vs Spiderman.
Mutush:uh...ok...I understand you spoke to the Poet in the changing room?
Lequita:Oh yes I did. And he is full of fury. He be quoting movie lines and shit! Went to the extent of re-enacting matrix and calling Guess Trinity...he likened himself to Mr Smith. He has promised to bring down the so-called-spider chested Nick. Apparently he'll bring him to his knees...and yes... i quote him word for word..'I'll Delouse that Nick like Kipepeo is currently delousing her hair on her post'...can you beliee that he would say somethin that nasty to a sweet lil thang like that!"
Mutush:Did u make that up?
Lequita:Hell No! He is Ghetto! Thats what he told me-remember he thinks ALL the ladies in the house love him. He is huffing and puffing-nothing to do with his pace-maker...but the nigga be mad as hell!!!! Am telling you he so confused he doesn't even know he's own name!!! Is it KukeKamba? Blue Poet? Old Poet? Papa Poet? Papa Smurf? General Smurf? Am tellin you he better aks somebody! That's right he better Aks somebody!!!!
Mutush:Who are the other bloggers around.
Lequita:In fact... here comes MsaniiXL! wait a minute(as she turns away from the camera).....hey wassup its your girl lequitta here! Hey...remember me? Hey....huh!....OH NO he didn't. OH HELL FREAKING NO!!!! That hip hop brother just didn't ignore my fine ghetto fabulous self....oh thats so crazy and he darn flipped me the finger. I have never-not in the past 3 days anyway.....But wait here comes Akiey.(turning away again) Hey Akiey, Hey Akiey....hey wait...stop walking away....damn you're breaking into a sprint boy...promise i won't say anything more about you and Guess...DAMN! A sister can't catch a break up in here!!!! They avoiding me like I'm a kind of hood-rat without class. I gots Class!!!!
Mutush:Who else is there?
Lequita:Oh the fabulous 3 sisters are in the house.
Mutush:Mshairi, Nyakehu, Uaridi?
Lequita:Damn right and you know I aint gonna say anything nasty about them ladies! Lequita knows where to draw the line! And it's with these three-you don't mess with them thats fuh real!.....Ms K is also in the house looking very comfy with Milonare. S! is also in the house chewing and spittin pun and manikchand like his height depended on it!!! And you know that we got history till he left me for that heifer with the fake implants!!!! Surprisngly none of Nick's Wife, Mistress and Concubine have shown up? Poi is in the back ground making small talk with Prousette and Kymmbr. Kinyi just walked in....and is that Thinker strolling in?
...oh i see Nick emerging from the changing rooms let me go get some 411 and i'll hook you up with some feedback later....

Mutush: Ok thank You lequita. Lets turn to our other reporter who is live in UK with Farmgal

Live Feed From UK:

Njeri: It is a pleasure to be standing here with a fellow village-girl from the riverside back home, named Farmgal outside her new shop. Which I must say is just the bomb. I have never seen anything like this in all my life. Better than the best Deacons back home! Farmgal! Am impressed, Congratulations! This is clean, and neat....hey you must hook up your kikuyu sister like that! I want a good discount...even a job on the side!! Hii ni maendeleo sana!
Farmgal: (with a pinch of a tweng) Ah-sante sana, ni mayendeleo kidogo mdogo!
Njeri:Anyway lets discuss the issue at hand before you tell me if you sell second hand clothes?
Njeri:Yes! Tell us, who are you routing for in the war going on?
Farmgal:Its a tough call. Nick is a very dear friend of mine and...well on the other hand Poet has made a good order for i wouldn't like to spoil my business...especially now at the beginning.
Njeri:Diapers??? are you saying?
Farmgal:Yup, insisted on genuine comfort with super absorbablity!
Njeri:My word...why would he...?
Farmgal:Because i sell nothing but the best...
Njeri:I meant why would he want diapers...?
Farmgal:Because I stockl them and I only do fact there is a special offer...
Njeri:I meant what for?!
Farmgal:Who cares...he be paying top dollar! But you better hush on that!
Njeri:Hmmmm...And are there any other UK bloggers following this?
Farmgal: I hope so...cause here AT ANGEL'S WEAR we stock nothing but the best!!!
Njeri: I meant the war you silly woman!
Farmgal:Who cares about the damn war...wasn't this about my shop???

Mutush:Ok...there seems to be some miscommunication...lets have feedback from Tyrone over in Finland!

Live Feed From Finland:

Tyrone: This is Tyrone reportin live outside Kipepeo's domicile. May I add she be so fine she gave me a paper cut!!! Hot-Damn! At the moment she is currently on the phone trying to get her lawyers to sue Poet for defaming her fine-as-hell baby hair. Trust me guys its au naturale-without lice. She is heavenly like the butterfly she potrays. Oh and lets not mention them toes, I'd like to intertwine some toes oh!!! Damn, happiness is when i think of her and we be together and rendezvous. She'd be on time, I'd bring the wine, I'd lock the door, and she'd be all mine...BABAY BABAY! She makes me crazay! Whomp there it is! I wanna shoop babay! The dog-gone girl is mine, mine mine...
Mutush: Wait isn't that a Karen White Song??? ...and why u quoting songs???
Tyrone:What's your point? Player hater-just cause you all zitty and saving yourself doesnt mean i can't express myself,FOO!!!!! Can't a brada fantasize in peace! Why you all up in my grill!?
Mutush:Fair enough...anyway..what else has she to say?
Tyrone:She gives a big shout out to her beau Kanja...and wishes her Nickyboo victory. Quoting her " Take that Muikamba down!!!!" So that's all from this corner of the world. Its Tyrone chillin with the Finn's, rollin outta ma jeans, willin for some sins!!! Over and out!!!

Mutush: You heard it straight from us. We shall keep you informed on the War. So far Poet has come out fighting headstrong, taking no prisoners, talking the talk, limping the limp!! Age is not a factor, neither is his Kamba origin. What will Nick do? Does he stand a chance? Join as next when we see how this comes down!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Random Post

Have been feeling too lazy to blog. Won't mention that apparently am uninspired, and the blog-block has returned reloaded. It also doesnt help that I have been having more fun in all of your blogs commenting and raising levels of cheap humor a notch higher. Its funny how blogging becomes not only about your own blog but the interaction with other bloggers. What started out being a solo concept becomes a communal project.

It's interesting how the Kenyan Blogsphere has expanded. In the beginning everyone stuck to themselves, it was even obvious that there were some cliques that stuck to themselves. But as it evolved, I'm impressed to see older bloggers (not old as in Old Blue Poet old...honest thats the last old joke am pulling on u!) interacting with newer bloggers. This interaction not being just a ploy to garner comments on their own blog-but interaction just for the purposes of interacting. Comments section have been like a meeting point for various bloggers and at times, funnily, disregarding either the post or the blog-owner! Which brings me back to my original point that this is plain fun.

In my brief stint here. I've had blog-wars. I've been disowned/threatened/and almost spat at. But I always come out with my head held high, feet on the ground, family pebbles retracted and ascended, dishevelled hair, pride and dignity shattered, humiliated nonetheless!(talk about a tough crowd to please!!!) I've been called names as much as I've nick-named others. I've been adopted by three sisters-boy oh boy christmas is coming round the corner or what??!!! Met four wonderful bloggers. Kept in touch with a quorum and even became friends with all of you. Got me a blog wife and a mistress-though right now Mr Machissmo is sleeping in the kennel! (Memo to self-keep such announcements private!) Wifey hasn't spoken to me in days and the Mistress is complaining of my dismal performance to say the least...maybe its the spidey boxers!!!

I have always argued that this is like some secret cult/silent organisation in which we exist in outside our normal world. You log on and off you dash to various sites, while the real world (well as far as I am concerned) remains oblivious to this blogshpere. We don't know each other fully, but what we know is just enough. (hint hint unleash your names Gaddamn it!) Each has a persona that we identify with, each fulfils a literary and almost social hunger that we desire to feed from. Strangers who are friends. People with false names but real identities...anyone seeing how creepy this is...people having symbols representing the midst of all these unfamiliarity lies the bond that binds.(Godfather how are those rings coming along-not to mention secret handshake? jackets?....heck we can all meet in a tree-house slit out index fingers and swap blood swearing oaths of allegiance...)

From the political to religious. To the funny and silly and the entertainers. To the poetic and the romantics. To the randy and kinky and downright naughty. To those with personal stories to share, journey's they traverse, struggles they endure, life they bare-journals that chronicle their existence. To the critiques and the critics. The bad boys and the good girls, the good guys and the bad mama's. To the musical and the pictoral. Those studying or working abroad, those working or studying in Kenya...those going through growing pains and those going through some painful things. Those in search of answers and those curious with questions...the famous and infamous, the popular and hated...those ranting and raving about their split-ends/in-growing toe nails/zits/weight loss or gain/traumatic childhoods...yup an entire niche of human society that is comprised within this particular Blogsphere.

Anyway, as we can all tell I surely did digress. I am trying to work on posts coming up that involves all of you bloggers. A kind of News Broadcast on all of you and your escapades-told by different presenters who have their own opinions(not mine.) An expose on all of us, from fictional outsiders lookin in! Since am not getting paid for it i shall take my time-but be warned y'all will surely be mentioned. Am yet to work out on the details of the characters of the presenters. e.g

Laquitta (the ghetto fabulous fine ass diva)
Tyrone( the rabid dawg from the block)
Njeri ( the uncharming uncouth blatant housewife with 6kids)
Mutush (down to earth, kind hearted geeky freak-thats right-freak!)

Oh well, we'll see how that goes. Until later fair bloggers. Blog on!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Meeting with Guess

Boy, its been a while since I did this I have almost forgotten how to. So, yes oh ye dying public I did meet up with the one and only sensational Guess! Yes, she is a true babe, classsy in every way and trust me that British accent goes down well. Nothing like a chick with a hint of a natural weng! Grrrr!

So how do u blog this....

For starters we met twice. However we'd been communicating since she came and for some reason we didn't meet earlier. Either she was busy or she was too busy. I knew I was the KBW loser/outcast but cammon, how many postponements did I have to get? So, I hung in there, persisted more than a rash...more like a wedgy while wearing clad you cannot manouver/manipulate yourself out of! Incessantly I pursued, sent many sms's and eventually the day arose when we finally set on meeting.

Sunday 24th
As usual my fav rendezvous- outside 20th. Next time you meet a stranger, I advise, it's wise you agree on a certain lampost or pillar. So I arrive there and you know how 20th is. There were like 3 dozen solo babes waiting to get picked up. So I zero in on the three of them, hoping to see some twinkle in their eyes, some form of "hey is that you?" Nope! Nada! Them girls had obviously been stood up and were not entertaining the idea of stranger checking them out with a cheap-ass grin whispering "Guess?"

So I pick up my phone and decide to call the one and only. I heard it ring out loud and turned in the direction of the Kenny Rogers ring-tone, and there she was...screaming "auuuui!" and breaking into a run in the opposite direction! From her position, a few steps away she had seen me, but wasnt too sure it was me. However, when I called she was sure and she hiked her skirt, hopped out of her manolo shoes and took cover...yaani tuck and roll.

We were not amused!

Anyway jokes aside. She looked like she was modelling and I'd interrupted a photo shoot! The Nairobi sun in the distance illuminating her, the wind blowing through her hair...and as I waddled towards her and she glided towards me...exchanged greetings... exchanged hugs like long lost lovers...she swept me off my feet and twirled me a good 360 degrees-Oh, my amazon warrior princess had returned!

At first we went round town undecided where to go, then we settled for a nearby reastaurant. She is so easy going, friendly and even sweeeeeet! Imagine she had a gift for me! And the moron had nothing-damn make a brada look cheap! Then again I am cheap!

The Goss?
-We became fast friends. Swapping stories, she showed me some of her pictures of her family...she has a fetish for taking pictures of goats-which apparently she'll name 'Nick'
-For starters y'all that thought those weren't her legs trust me they are. And I know for a fact they are hairless and by delving further i managed to know they are naturally hairless-not as a result of Veet or a razor.
-This woman is as evasive and cunning as evasive and cunning can get! She refused to tell me who the guy was seated on her bed holding a camera and a suggestive look!(remember that scandalous post of hers???)
- This dame has perfected that angelic holier than thou look-with a halo on top of her head and harps playing in the background...from batting her lashes to a sweet babyface smile to a cute giggle...she can make you coo if she wanted to. She is a cherub incarnate!
-She refused to divulge any names of fellow bloggers that she knows...heck even her own name she had remained adamant about it till I asked for her ID! Even her occupation still remains a mystery to me.
-She is about 5 foot 6. Brown eyes...already described her angel-face. Which is now her new nick name! Everyone in the house quickly change her link to 'angel-face'
-A gentleman never asks a lady her age. But this gentleman did-to which the lady replied...
-She explained the origins of the name guessaurus.
-By the way she had the same reaction Ms K had on seeing me-spontaneous bursting into laughter, with pointing...apparently she thought i was really short, round, geekyand stubby-and was glad to discover i wasn't short!
-We discussed that since MJY is my Blog wife she will be my blog-mistress...we are happy with that arrangement.

Hours later we parted ways promising (rather i forced her) to meet the following week.

Thursday 28th

I wanted to take her to lunch at Nbi west near my workplace.
For starters she got lost and this broke punk had no was a mess. Then, I kept her waiting for almost an hour-and you know hell hath no fury like a woman kept waiting at a silly reception. Her cute nostrils flared-she was breathing fumes! I tried to ease her pain... En route to the lunch venue I offered to buy her some sugar cane! Wah, the look I got from this classy/diva like babe can't be explained-but if i was to try it'd go something like " ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR TOOTH PULLING MIND!!! Hell freakin yeah i want some sugar cane!!!! HOOK A SISTA UP!!!"

Totally surprised, we had it cubed and before you know it she was crunching away. Prominent jawline features-she squeezed the living juice out of them cubes. And she spit away like a pro!!!

Ok just kidding.

So we had our lunch and past more times cracking jokes. Coaxed her into ice cream-though the ice cream on offer was limited.

Eventually time elasped fast as it does when having fun and it was time to bid adieu. With tears in our eyes (not from the maize with chilli we ate while strolling round west) we started saying our farewells. We promised to write, sms, and keep our love burning ever so brightly. Never to let it sizzle down to an ember-ain't no river wide enough...valley deep enough...mountain high enough to keep as from fanning that flame.

So we hugged to the consternation of the onlooking crowd some mumbling and pointing at such blatant public display of affection. Exchanged goodbyes and I held the bicycle as she hopped on.

I waved a last goodbye. She gave me a last longing look. A last meaning smile...and as she disappeared off into the sunset, I turned one last time but she was gone. All that remained was an overwhelming sad emotion and the icecream and maize cob she'd thrown that I'd bought her. Sigh!

That is my story and am sticking to it!

In essence: Guess is a lovely, classy babe, gorgeous, very down to earth with a generous
heart. Funny and very naughty!
And better still she is my pal.