Friday, April 21, 2006

Award Speech

The Sleeze crew is out on the red carpet interviewing the Blog celebrities on this auspicious occasion that is the Kaybee Night. It has been a crazy two weeks of voting and finally the night arrived. Finally the Academy of voters cast there votes, the People stated their choice and now the awaited results were out in a Golden Globe fashion. Awards were handed out by an array of KBW presenters. Winners were elated beyond words.

Everyone was dressed in obviously rented designer outfits and borrowed jewelry. Even the skeptics attended the show. Definitely, a first in KBW where bloggers united in anticipation, waiting to see who the winners were. Such solidarity! Such Loyalty! What a show!

A quick recap of the winners…here is the acceptance speech from Nick the winner of "Coolest Blogger."Unconfirmed sources say he broke down like an uncouth Halle Berry and undignified Gwenyth Paltrow. Somersaulted his porky proportions onto the stage like Cuba Gooding Jnr. kissing and groping a pleasantly surprised Kipepeo who presented the award to him. (Remember Adrian Brody?)

“Wow! I totally didn’t see that coming! It warms my heart and rekindles my spirits. Resets my thong and refreshes my loins! WoW! The word coolest has never been used on me. Humorous yes…but not Coolest. DAMN YOU MILO, BURN IN HELL! Entertaining yes…but not Coolest. DAMN YOU MSANII XL SCORCH IN HELL! But coolest wow! This brings back so many painful, repressed memories. Back to when I was a bi-spectacled, knock-kneed, roly-poly fat with acne kid dying to fit in… into the P.E shorts and swimming trunks…into swimming floaters…school play costumes. Wishing to be picked in the football team…Hoping to get invited to the best parties. Hoping to get love letters with scented perfumes and lovey dovey hearts…with a flirtatious R.S.V.P A.S.A.P. Instead of “Please give me your math homework NOW and don’t expect anything in RETURN!” (Breaking down) And now look at me now holding this Kaybee! (Holding back tears and raising one hand in the air like a swearing in ceremony.) I feel I have come of age… (Volley of tears!) I feel accepted. (Booing and Hooing.) This here is my party invite! (Sniff!) This here is my…sniff…scented love letter! (Sniff!) My fraternity Jacket! (Waving Kaybee in the air frantically!) This here is my contact lens and zit remover! My R.S.V.P! I am accepted…I am Loved…Appreciated…I exist and I’m noticed…and yes finally can say I am c…ccc…cool! I am part of the team…I fit in…sniff…I belong!

(Regaining composure…blood shot eyes…runny eyes...subtle make-up no longer subtle!)

Finally I would like to thank:
>The Academy.
>S! For introducing me to the world of blogging…thanks to you, you showed me the blogger. (Yelling!) Show me the blogger! Show me the blogger!
>Blogspot, my URL…you were the VESSEL through which this was possible.
>The dudes and babes that comprise KBW. The blog relations, yahoo chat rooms, meet ups, sms’s, emails…you know yourselves.
>G-Papa: For inviting the freaky geek into your ring. He knew this tadpole could turn into a fully fledged Frog.
>Sleeze crew: Lequita for being quiet!
>To Princess Leia and Yoda (wink) a.k.a Wifey and Onty…for being there right from the start always with a helping hand…never too far away. May the force be with you!
>To the Vote-Recounters from Dade, Florida. Thank you for ensuring each pregnant, dimpled, dented chad voted my way!

Thank you all. Mariah Carey Rules. MJ will have a BIG comeback next year! 24 rocks!..."

Yes that was Nick’s speech at the award ceremony. We will have an exclusive on the Post Award Party…after we get through some legal technicalities sorted out for Lequita-once her withstanding restraining orders are lifted she will report live from Party.

We here at Sleeze News would like to congratulate each and every winner: Thinker, Mental, Mshairi, MJY, Milo, Guess, Msanii, Ms K, Kenyan Pundit, Maitha and Ndesanjo. Big ups to all of you!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

It only takes one idiot!

In the past one week i have managed to delete my template twice. MJY showed me how to use the google cache to reclaim it...and now somehow its disappeared I run to my desktop where I had "saved" my template...only to find the same deleted template on my desktop. The gods are against me.

So I have stolen the COUCH POTATO template and will fix things by tomorrow.

1.Keep hope alive
2.Show the sleeze crew some love
3.Show couch potato some love
4.Heck show me some love...wink wink KM and Shiroh


I think my template is being hijaked all was well. Poi and I had commented and then the bloody thing disappears out on me...This is getting first I though I was the I'm having second doubts!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Sleeze Crew: KBW's NEXT TOP MODEL!

Tyrone: Sup people, it's been too long! Just when we thought our show had been cancelled it’s been picked up for a third season after a successfull first and second season. We’re glad to be back! As usual we have Lequita here with us. Our Project Princess. And I am Tyrone, supreme King that has you asking for more and does everything just right!

Lequita: Project Princess? Oh you are so kind, I thought I was just Ghetto-fabulous. First I’d like to start off with a rare deed of saying thanks to all the guys that have been writing letters asking for mama Lequita’s return to the Silver Screen. I knew all y’all loves lil Lequita…so no more cheap shots from me to all the guys out there. No more Acolyttle jokes or Msanii X Little…Even Milo’s unmentionable conjoined twins will be spared. But girls take out your horse-hair weaves, acrylic nails, fake gold accessories and let’s get ready to rumble.

Tyrone: Hey! Hey! Hey! Today we are not fighting but discussing the fine ladies that are in KBW. The exquisite and sumptuous sista’s that need to be praised and exalted. We need to celebrate them and their beauty

Lequita: Yeah Whatever! Cammon we have to spice things up. You know this has been inspired by Guess putting all the guys in the limelight it's now a turn for the ladies to be under the limelight-running mascara and all…out of your high heels divas, lets see them nappy toe nails and YODA like feet-Oh yes this is the Phantom Menace ready to get Darth Vader on all them ladies in the house!!!!!

Tyrone: No we are gonna give them ladies all the respect they need. You know this KBW pageant has been going through many preliminary rounds and finally we have our 3 of 6 semi-finalists contenders ready to strut their stuff.

Lequita: Hmm, so how is this playing out. Today we highlight three of them and tomorrow the other three right?

Tyrone: Right! We shall feature each dame and finally a vote shall be cast…we shall try to be unbiased in our criticism and civil!

Lequita: We shall?

Tyrone: We will! Save your bitchy comments to yourself. Get out off your ‘my momma didn’t love me so I hate all women’ slogan and be decent, ya heard!

Lequita: You know my momma didn’t raise me right!

Tyrone: Yup she didn’t raise no lady but that not the point of discussion right here…there’s a time and a place…and we know damn well you are very well familiar with that phrase.

Lequita:At least I get some.. considerin' the last time u had some it was still called ‘nookie.’ Speakin of which who calls it 'some' anyway Mr Macho?

Tyrone: Your Mama! That's who and Oh, I’m doing fine for myself, thank you very much...'some'...'nookie'...'poke-fest' don't matter, I'm doing just fine!

Lequita: No, I think you are doing it by yourself! But anyhu...on to the main show!

Model # 89: GUESS

Strutting herself on the runway with the song “More than a Woman” by Aaliyah.
Hobbies include: Sky diving. Hitch hiking! Pranking the Jehova's Witness at her door step!
Self-analysis: Self proclaimed that she became a woman at 4. If won a million she would get Marvin a clone…and spend some cash to figure out what the child in her would think of the adult she is now and the rest spend in healing the world making it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race!
Secret: Could Lip sync all of ABBA’s songs and secretly wanted to be the 5th member to GABBA!
Dress: MiloWear’s Chiffon Polka-Dot motif with a little red riding hood theme!
Theme: Naughty and nice with lots of spice!

Tyrone: Ah the woman with dumps like a truck. Single, in UK. Got’s it going on. Kind hearted, generous and very very giving-your regular Santa clause. Her bootilicious bootie leaves many mouths open and drooling. Sexy, fair and lovely, long flowing hair with Michelle Pfeifer like lips!

Lequita: You forgot to mention in her mid 30’s, and we’re talking after the peak in the curve. We’re talking about a biological clock that broke down and stopped ticking a long time ago… but at least tells the correct time two times a day.

Tyrone: Liar, she doesn’t look a day over 29! HA! Look at how she embraces the cat-walk. Look at her. Grace and Charm. Sailing flawlessly in her chiffon polka-dot dress and pig tails. Look at the crowd cheering. Whistling. Cheering. Asking for more... more...more as she shakes what her mama gave her and swaggers those long legs that reach her armpit! Those mahogany stumps that would have you wood-chucking even during the winter without a winter coat! Look at her pull a 180 without dislocating her neck. Attitude! Elegance!

Lequita: Oh yeah? How about them shoulder pads?! Damn I failed to get the memo that shoulder pads are back with a vengeance and that she is their cover girl spokeman! Very eighties! NOT to mention she coulda at least shaved…We can tell she has never heard of Veet…or worse a Bic Razor!!!! Surely she shoulda known that TV camera’s ZOOM in!

Tyrone: I shall totally disregard that and just enjoy a piece of art.

Lequita: I do not see this one winning, that’s all I’m gonna add. I just hope heiffersaurus returns my borrowed Gucci bag…cause I have two more days to get my money back and she be saying how she needs it just for one more date!

Model #17: Shiroh

Taking over the stage with “Independent Woman” by Destiny’s Child
Hobbies: Blogging. Jogging. Hogging. Secret trips to downtown Bed and Lodging!
Self-analysis:Survivor! Stronger than most people give her credit for. Was never vaccinated for any childhood diseases but triumphantly survived mumps, measles and chicken pox without a scar. Believes in kindness and looking for the greater good in people in a society that is full of evil. Her role model include her nursery school teacher who at a very early stage taught her 6 from 9 and b from d!
Secret: Has six toes! Not that one foot has six toes…she has five on one and just the big toe on the other foot…did I mention was never vaccinated?
Attire: Tight leather skirt. Knee high boots. A tight Kimbo t-shirt with the original slogan!
Theme: Tight is right, tighter even better!

Lequita: Oh that’s my gal right there. Go Shiroh! No color coordination. No direction. No cat-walk skill but oozes confidence and esteem as she is sweating under them lights. That hair needs to be conditioned, a mud bath wouldn’t hurt her skin and cucumbers would do wonders on them eye-bags…but I want this woman to win. She represents a DIVA! A BABE! She clearly don’t want no trifling broke ass punk! That there is a winner. She has high eye on the prize and its price tag! Just like my momma darn always told me. She used to say to me when I was just 9 “Quita, you best make sure that all those boys you keep bringing home are filthy rich! Forget personality ..forget a sense of humor…forget a tiger in bed…forget if they shower or not… the only smell that matters is that from a fat wad of cash- that’s all that counts! Your hear! Now go finish you spelling practice!”

Tyrone: Could we talk about the models? No, this is a fine chick right here. Fit as a fiddle. Ripe like a fruit nourished with T.L.C! Look at her poise. Look at that long neck. The sinuous curves. The ample dashboard that she carries with exuberance! It’s bursting at the seams, under that T-shirt! Could someone turn on the sprinklers lets get her wet! Sure, she is a gold digger but she sure is worth all that gold. A lawyer by proffesion she comes with her own pre-nup! Can’t compete with beauty and brains-what a HOT combination. Not to mention those BATA shoes…the Brown ones are doing wonders to that tight skirt!

Lequita: She sure has come a long way and that is why she is an inspiration to many and to me. She used to herd cows in the slopes..whislting away with her brothers and now plays the flute and drives a Mercedes Benz! Of course it a'int hers but that is not the point. She represents all the village girls that have risen above tribulations. She’s my fav and I want her to win


Doing her thing to the song “IF” by Janet Jackson
Hobbies: BadBoys. Toys. Badboy Joys! Toy Joys!
Selfanalysis: Loves the process of thinking. Thinking about a prospective upcoming (UP-COMING) roll in the proverbial hay. She wants to strike while there is still an iron somewhere in the metal shop. What has kept her strong are those early morning exercises, 200 push ups/press ups/squats/bench presses and using her stockings as skipping ropes after a night of them serving as a headscarf!
Secret: Allergic to deodorant and her first indicative evidence has never cleared from her armpits, but hides it well with her bushy hair.
Dress: A free flowing sari by Mizrahi
Theme: Complex-a cross between surrealism and confusicsm,the dawn of a new era!

Tyrone: You know I had never seen her but she is the epitome of beauty! She brings to the stage what many can’t achieve-STYLE! Look at that tall threatening frame, an outstanding and overwhelming 6 foot 5 height that would leave any insecure man running-but not this Tyrone. I am enamored by her stature. Captured by her presence. I have been tangled in her fishnet and I a'int struggling for air just waiting to be reeled in!

Lequita: To me she looks like Grace Jones and Kim Wayans…

Tyrone: Oh! Shut up! Look at those augmented cheek bones, wrinkle free face with a little help from botox. Her eyes are the next best thing after Vanessa Williams. She has this gaze that undresses you leaving your vulnerable…piercing right through your soul making you want to confess you wanna steal some cookies from her cookie jar…

Lequita: Boy, you better relax, if you ask me she is a little too butch for my liking!

Tyrone: No one is asking you, Ms was rejected in the first round! Look at her swagger. Look at those hips. Look at that smile. Look at that twinkle in her eye!

Lequita: No what you mean is. Look at those mechanical bony hips! Look at that chipped stained tooth. Look at that twinkle in her GOOD eye! Boy you are so blind...she looks like a stunt man from a boxing Movie.

Tyrone: Oh that’s cold. You know that eye-patch is costume! Are you gonna sit there and actually say that KM doesn’t have a chance?

Lequita: The dress she’s wearing is gorgeous and yes it looks good on her...but she looks out of place. Perhaps if the stage was a war zone and she was in army fatigues…camouflage painted on her face…army boots…hair disheveled… bombs in her belt…mobile telephone on top of her rack-sack as she screams “May-Day May-Day, enemy fire right ahead” in her Pavarotti tenor…then…perhaps then… maybe then...only then... would she have a chance especially if a mine blew off right there and then!

Tyrone: OH! OH! OH! You child are cold. Damn!

Lequita: That’s right that's Lequita here showing no love for them ladies.

Tyrone: They don’t need you. Not when Tyrone with a sunrise smile, rainbow eyes has their back! And I won't even mention the heavy plumbing this brick layer can lay. Or the heavy artillery this farmer can plough...Be gone witch!

Lequita: Nah I’ll be right here with you! Like my yeast infection I a’int going nowhere!

Tyrone: Stay tuned guys we’ll be back with the remaining contestants.

Saturday, April 01, 2006


I’ve been around this social scene for quite a while and I almost thought I was burnt out. Boy oh Boy there is a new crowd and they are moving in and taking over our old place. We have become proverbial has-beens and we can’t do anything about it. There’s a new generation blooming-time to create room and diversify! I’m quite impressed with the new lot totally interactive unlike our old generation that clung in droves…and by them droves we are drowning. So here I am to revitalize ourselves and reclaim our blog-land. OLD KBW’s unite! Let’s show them how this was done back in the day!

So instead of an April fool’s Post Lets talk about the blogging game…also inspired by a recent post by KenyanGal..(could you come take a walk with me...eeeee)

1. Blog-Ho’ing: The art of visiting most bloggers and commenting.

Remember the likes of MJY and GUESS who had been so around they were a circle! The kind neighbours welcoming new neighbours with a warm cup of tea and a basket of fruity gossip!

2.Blog-Stalking: The art of commenting even before the blogger is through editing.
Yaani the blogger is more persistant than your avatar! e.g Msanii…was always there even, before u edit your post a second time that punk was all up your comment section! Speed dial? Jobless? Sure racing to a post raises tension and gives sike to the blogger. Of course there is that annoying race Guess and I started, which I perfected by first commenting “1st here” and reading the post later. It just happened that Guess and I would be reading Milo’s post the same time and the one with the shorter comment would land at #1. Another blog we’d run to quickly was Mutumia’s…it was Fast and Furious and First and hence the coining of FFF!

3.Blog-Wars: Declaring nuclear war in the hope of annihilation and humiliation of your opponent blogger.
OH, how I miss them! Pick on anyone and let them have it!

4. Blog-Romance: The on-page romance between two consenting bloggers!

Beauty was in the eyes of the bloggers. Remember the Loves of last year? What happened to on-going chemistry between bloggers: Acolyte and Haidhuru? Ms K and Thinker and a certain slice of “cake?” Sandman and Stunnuh? Poi and Kymmbr? Guess and Milo? Akiey and Kidada? Cammon revive them flames! Bend over like in an up country jiko and blow…fan them fires and revive them dying embers.

Back then I had a wife and a mistress and a concubine…despite inadequacies and shortcomings I was doing alright but talk about not keeping up with the young lot nowadays!

5. Comment Commandments:Rules of engagement a.k.a etiquette

-If you do/did not read the post, at least let it not show in your comment. Don’t pick the first or last paragraph and ride on that...thou shall comment in totality
- A smiley or an LOL...unacceptable!!!
-Commenting is like Dating: Thou shall go around and come around! Thou shall not just accept comments and not have the decency to go over and comment…and comment again and again. Be a decent date! If taken out return the favor as well! Thou is not a one-night stand…one comment constitutes the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
-Comments are like love and thou shall grow with love. More importantly thou shall love one another as u wish to be loved.

6. Know your blogger. To avoid misconceptions and to avoid humiliation.

-Afromusing is not a dude but a fair maiden…but remember those hands back then?
-Mshairi may be as energetic as a two-year old. Hip and with it like the rest of us…but she is Aunty Mshairi to you thank you very much.
-Thinker thinks…ebu try a blog war with him and thou shall get it worse than a proctologist could ever give it to you! Thinker will rally his orange blog movement crowd and skin u alive and burn u at the alter.
-Nakeel is not an Asian chick!
--Remember when some guy was chatting up Sandman cause ati his eyes were feminine?
-Know your difference between AfroM/AfroFem…A-musing/K-Musings…WM/WMKtafsiri/maarifa…nick/tato…

7) Oh my Gawd Blogs! These are those blogs that have total anonymity and hence the bloggers have nothing to lose by giving you a peg to hang their dirty laundry.

Nothing brought in ratings like these. Ms K was kinky in her Pretty in Pink blog. Sunflower was your Kenyan Terry Macmillan getting her groove back in Jamaica. Guess was at volcano lava temperature at times…and the funny thing is on KBW the gents are more reserved and some Ladies little…er…cough...little less reserved with a splash of nymphomania salad served with an all you can eat buffet with a glass of carnivorous wine!

8)Stereotype blogs:
(We shall use movie titles to define)

-The sweet damsels with girlie posts as Aco would say. Blogging while Sleepless in Blogland…or the Shakespeare’s in Lust
-Those with Logs of a mad, black, woman waiting to exhale
-The macho ones, Chronicles of Naniii(stolen from KM) / Return of the Lion King/King Kong with a delta force attack mode. Experienced/Authoritative with more mojo than Austin Powers!
-The ladies with License to thrill, with Boomerang love stories and bitter sad endings even after two playing that game. They know that there is a thin red line between basic instinct and fatal attraction…
-The personal Bridget Jone’s Like entries that will not entertain outside criticisms or ridicule.
-Those with Artificial Intelligence or Jurassic Experience ( I miss BluePoet) or like mine Much Ado about nothing

Love them or hate them we read them!

9) Silent Bloggers. Always there without a word.

The ones you think never read your blog but know it inside out e.g. Maitha and Torments…tihihihi and the happen to be the nicest guys who are the easiest to bully…mtado???

10) Bloggers Addiction. The undeniable secret pleasure derived from this activity.

Funny thing none of us are in denial…we love it love it. And these are the following signs of Addicts

Blog Block: A moment where one is uninspired by surroundings to blog or post. The truth is it should never matter what you post.
Blog Rivalry: Competition with like bloggers.
Blog Collabo: Ways of having two posts out there at the same time, also a form of rivalry.
Blog Hiatus: Going to rehab to come back reloaded.
Blog Families/Couples: People not in denial embracing their addiction….
Blog and another Blog: Need I say more?