Saturday, February 25, 2006

Childhood Trauma a.k.a Memories

This blog has been about cheap humor, entertainment and retro-flashbacks…well it certainly won’t stop now! Ha.

So let’s stroll along memory lane…

Bed Wetting: Now how many succumbed to those trite tricks of not drinking water in the evening? Peeing before going to sleep? Delaying urination during the day to strengthen them sphincters? Each new night with renewed zeal and confidence…into a clean pair of Spiderman pyjamas I’d hop into…snuggle up…off to lalaland. Hours later…by reflex one ka-eyeball opens up stat! Darts about frantically and suspiciously in the dark. Ear finely tuned like on a Mission Impossible set. Heart palpates and thumps ferociously. You slowly check for moistness on the bed near your crotch like you would check a baby’s temperature with the back of your hand….now if you are dry as the Sahara at noon-you breathe easy, vitals return to normal, you can even afford a sigh of relief and a coy smile... and off to lalaland again

Now, woe unto you if you are as wet as your neighbour's culinary mishap also known as lunch time stew. In a puddle you float in noisily in-cause trust me that macintosh under your sheets doesn’t absorb and its plastic properties are not silent!!! So, depending on how the-waiting to exhale-bladder incorporated with your multi-directional pee-pee misbehaved, you could be wet from your armpit to your knee. Note, it was usually one sided. (Remember the song ‘I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes-the pee is all around me…’) It was like a conspiracy by your own body to bring you down. Such back-stabbing betrayal!

Thumb Sucking: For some reason cartoons were the much entire better when your thumb was shoved up your mouth! I was a left hand thumb suckling kid from the west and still got the scar to prove it.(adjusting belt and crotch!) For some reason the event was more enjoyable if my right middle and ring finger were lodged in a folded sweater. I can’t even describe that…I’d fold up my sweater then peg it with those fingers. My cousin on the other hand sucked her left thumb and with her right index finger fiddled with her belly button! Go figure!

Cousins: Boy didn’t I grow up with many of those. From first cousins to third know the kind you say “oh yeah that’s my cousin twice removed!” Yup! I think my mum discovered the beauty of free baby sitters. We’d drive to their place, and even before I have knocked or rung the door bell-she had burnt rubber and was practically inside the lift to her office. So each day or week, I’d be dumped in a different place! And I grew to realize that I had to adjust fast, learn to make jokes-it was mere survival. So bless all their hearts….if half a loaf was eaten with half a glass of milk-I’d sop away. If I was dropped off too early and they were asleep- I’d get in and sleep as well. If one had wet their bed-no comments were made. If all of a sudden they’d stop talking to you and make fan of fatty- I’d roll with the punches because tomorrow I’d be with some other cousins. If their loo was dirty, I learnt the art of clench and survive. If their food was near pathetic, palatably atrocious- I learnt how not to complain and the rule of larger spoonfuls shorter misery time. However sometimes the assumed the little porky was either greedy, or enjoyed the food so much and was shy to ask for more...and hence the above ruled was scrapped as I 'enjoyed' my second helping! Yup I was your regular chameleon fitting in like a glove.

Riding a bike: Remember the first time-after all that practice you finally managed to balance and ride it. You got used to that HARD seat in spite of your weight-you know!? you wondered who was riding who? Triumphed over wobbling and balancing. Even after all the scratches and bruises you had almost given up hope... but finally you did it. And neighbourhood kids clapped and whistled as you rode on that blue BMX! Well if you remember that, I’m sincerely happy for u because I was stuck on a tri-cycle!!!!!

Macmillan Library: For some strange reason the happening place to get dumped was in Macmillan Library. Ironically there’d be other similar kids and we’d form some form of Losers’ Club and make noise all day much to the consternation of the librarian in the kids section. We’d defile books by writing obscenities. Don’t ask me what pleasure we derived from scribbling perverse words. We’d share chuckles while staring at nude pictures of statues in Greek books. We’d carry holiday homework from “Questions and Answers” to “Four Skills” an of course “Primary Mathematics” We’d delve deep into the adventures of Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew super mysteries and Case Files-Oh and if you were blessed you'd have the double mysteries with everyone together in ONE book! For those that hadn’t graduated to such superior books, they were still stuck on Enid Blyton; Secret Seven, Famous Five… Funny enough none of us had a library card, not to mention the lack of books to borrow that were of interest. But, every morning we would bunch up together, the whispering would begin and so did the pranks. I wonder what ever happened to 2 brothers that used to come-each were preparing for exams. One was doing Std 8 the other Form IV exams.

Style:... with Elsa Klench... Woiye poor thing never saw that show getting cancelled. I’m still suffering from withdrawals form them canceling ‘Showbiz’ with Jim Moret and Lauren Sydney…but I digress.

Anyway, the topic was styling. The funny thing we were always in competition with our friends or with relatives. Try convincing me that the MJ-Thriller Red jacket I had was not ‘mtumba’ cause I was convinced I had the original!!!! And with the original jacket,I also believed I was endowed with the powers to DANCE… “cause this is thriller…thriller night…and no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike...” Yup, the chubby beast had borrowed 'The making of Thriler' and was let lose... all would run for cover…whoo woo thriller... thriller night…I could scare you more than any goon could ever dare try…

So, regardless of what style was in; from Dash Tracksuits, Asaki shoes, Nasty white Moccasins, Bermudas with air-jordan's, or high tops, stone wash jeans with a hood…you went through each phase like a rite of passage. Accompanying this were different hairstyles the likes of punk/box/fade/Jordan...and various walking swaggers a.k.a ‘bouncing!’

Different styles were emulated from Jefferson’s to the Miami Vice swing. Boy’s tried hard to have Bobby Brown’s attitude coupled with Coke’s ‘You can’t beat the real thing!’ Girl’s on the other hand were in control like Janet or got wild like Salt n Pepa.

Yup that sure was a blast from the past, therapy sure has helped...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Currently on Hiatus

Currently, I’m enjoying being on blog-hiatus except for Couch Tato. But just when I thought I was out I keep being pulled back in Godfather style. I’m having loads of probos with the landline at home and my frequent access has been yanked from me like a white hair, quick and fast. Doing them cyber blogging doesn't compare to being at home in pyjamas reading all the naughtiness that KBW does so well.

So my valentine’s jana was such a plot. I had 3 dates: Gishungwa , Shiroh and Kipepeo. Each had drawn out straws and negotiated the hours and i have a feeling the were all winners. So Gish was there at Tea Room to receive me at 5 pm-Bless her heart. In spite of my dusty self, and country smell she was such a sport....ha and so was I! Shiroh too was a sport there after-though I didn’t carry for her her requested stilettos...I didn't here one word of complaint! Kipepeo took me to another world-literally. No wonder i have to hibernate and recouperate!

All were ladies neither complained of any shortcomings. (LOL SHORTcomings/short comings-ala Mutumia’s post)

So I will be gone for a tad, but I will be around so you better show couch tato some love he has posted afresh. So I’ll be hovering around as tato and as Looneymate as well. This is not goodbye cause as Acolyte would argue “Dude you don’t post that frequently anyway” ha ha ha

Will leave you with a cheap blonde joke

So two blondes walk into a building….you’d think one of them woulda seen it! Ha ha ha