Saturday, January 28, 2006

Revolving KBW Soap!

I have discovered writing posts nowadays is becoming more and more difficult. Guess and Acolyte once accused me of having specialized in my posts, thus explaining why each post gets more difficult to unleash-cause I may be trying to outdo myself in cheap humor. To a point they may have been right then again I may just be another “blog has-been” paving way for the fresher generation. By the way it is so obvious that there is a new generation creeping in. Us, older ones are on our way to the bottom, sinking faster than an anvil down to the sea-bed.

So how can one revitalize their blog: yes we could post more often? Here are some of the stunts that I have pulled. I have been a blog-ho going up and about…I was commenting all around I was practically a circle. I can incite wars! I initiated Blog-romances! At a time I even asked for Post suggestions. Hey I could start a Bloggers Arc but Guessy Babes would sue me off my chubby I guess it’s my turn to start something new.

I’m going to start a revolving blog soap. Remember that game? Where one starts a story and as it moves on to another person, the person continues the story and may perhaps take it off at tangent or keep it in the same line and tempo ?

-Each comment will be a continuation of a part or the entire story line.
-Each comment should follow the preceding comment in story flow.
-Preferably avoid anonymous comments.
-The story is fictional so let no one take offense.
-I have weird imagination so let yours run wild.
-You can introduce other characters or yourself into the story the more the merrier.

It's Saturday late afternoon, in Blogland. Like letters in the Keyboard…Like leaves in a grapevine… these are the Blogs of our Lives!

Acolyte is working out in the gym furiously. Msanii is seated there watching him, listening to his I-Pod. He has no alternative, he needs a lift. They have an early evening double-date with Mutumia and Guess. The Blogland divas! Msanii is biting his fingernails he cannot remember the last time he was this excited. Acolyte pumps the iron harder than ever, he needs to maintain that chiseled look. Could today be the day he succumbs? What the two fellows don’t know is that Whispering Inn and Brother Jero have a date with them later that evening with similar hopes.

Brother Jero has just made an excuse to Kipepeo why he can’t meet her tonight… something to do with working the evening shift or not feeling too well cough cough.... Kipepeo on the other hand was relieved the date was cancelled and is on her way to meet Whispering Inn’s pregnant girlfriend-Spicebear!

Ms K and Kenyan Musings (batteries left at home) on the other hand have respective movie dates with Akiey and Thinker. Akiey is grooming himself up with cologne as Thinker struggles to grease up his curly kit…each wants be in their sharpest form! This is not a double date, but the couple bumps into each other up at the theatres. Thinker is out with KenyanMusings and is busted leering at Ms K.

S! and Shiroh are swapping kindergarten stories over some Ice cream. Shiroh keeps mentioning Torments, S! in turn keeps mentioning his rebound from Lequita! The two are a much made in heaven! Sandman is wondering who he is gonna take out dancing Nakeel or Stunnuh? Who is less baggage? Stunnuh has already left numerous voice messages insinuating that she is free and available.

Poi is on the phone catching up with Kymmbr. Irena is on her way to Jamaica again. Keguro is in Jamaica. Gishungwa is working late tonight she has no date…yet! All she has to do is go thru her three little black books! Magaidi is giddy over CuteAngel. CuteAngel wants none of that!

Prousette and Wangari decide to leave their hubbies at home and cruise the town…I hear they are meeting up with the 3 sisters Mshairi, Uaridi, Nyakehu for a night out of town. 5 girls let loose in town sounds like danger.

Mental is helping Farmgal close shop apparently they plan on having a quiet dinner at Mental’s cribas he shows her picture slide show of his visit to Kenya. MJY is flying in from Belize awaiting a hearty reception at the airport. Unaware that everyone is expecting her the following day. She has shocking news for everyone.

Let the stories continue....

Monday, January 16, 2006

Memories that make you go HMMMM!

We walk through life alone. Suffer alone and many a times in silence. Especially if you are an only child you appreciate what solitude can do to you-it’s either a blessing or a tragedy. But you come to appreciate what and how much friends and relatives contribute to your life. Yup this had the makings of a deep post-but oh hell to the no! This is a post on friends and relatives, and I wish to share some cheap moments of unbridled laughter that remain in the back of our minds…note how these are probably their worst memories as well…Since they don’t read my blog they will realize why they should! These are just but a few incidents of upcoming posts.

M: My fellow, rotund best friend. Who once in a fit of astute bravery- after calling me a sissy, took a cup of tea served straight from a sufuria which came straight from a jiko. Boiling is an understatement, as I asked for another cup to cool my cup. He looked at me like he had lost all hope! With the Machismo and Balls of Jamhuri High School and Upper Hill High combined-he took a healthy swig of that Tea. I think time stood still for him! He produced such a barely inaudible whimpering sound, and almost coiled up like the Hunch Back as he struggled to swallow it, but ultimately lost the battle and spat it out! My now cross-eyed friend was trying to downplay the fact that he wasn’t in pain, and that the tears rolling down his cheeks were a figment of my imagination. I just looked at him with tears welling in my eyes as well as he fanned his mouth with the mandazi he was holding. As we waddled back to school, he was peeling of his upper gum asking me to check if there was much damage. Oh, of course it was no biggie, gums do re-grow right?!

B: Medicine ward rounds. We were being taught how to examine for lymph nodes in the arm pit. Quick summary in layman’s terms there are 4 walls and the roof. Now B with his manicured nails (I’m just teasing) was requested to demonstrate how to examine, he didn’t see that coming. So he quickly looks for a box of gloves and in Kenyatta those things are rare like a good smell. So he tries to beat about the bush…and the Consultant is getting unamused demanding he demonstrates how to check. So, there is the patient with an obviously sweaty unshaved armpit…and he tries to examine him over the patient’s gown so as not to touch his skin. To which the the consultant yanks his arm of the gown and delivers it straight to the moist, awaiting armpit at body temperature. Manually, he was directed through each of the four walls and up the apex!!!! Oh, he felt those nodes alright. I’m sure he picked up some DNA on his nails too. Worst, part he had to wait an hour till the ward round demonstrations were finished before he could dash to the nearest sink to wash his hands. His flustered frazzled face was priceless, not to mention he curled his fingers like a fair damsel. Arched at the wrists, each finger on its own like some form of arthritis!

Lewis: My dumb ass cousin from Nyeri. Dec Holidays 1987 an assortment of cousins meet up in shags as is the norm. Another cousin Wangechi and I are so an amused with his whining self that one of us calls him an ‘Asshole!’ I’m telling you such fowl mouth in such young children. Anyway, the idiot (we still call him that!) starts asking us what that means! In all sincerity, he wanted to know! What the Kcuf! And worse he demanded in Kiuk “Assy-horr ni ndue?” He gets so persistent that he threatens to go ask his dad! Damn punk he had me by the balls and Wangechi by the nipples. Somehow he had turned things round and we were under his ignorant mercy. NB: We sure as hell didn’t know what it meant, by the way!
So Lewis still curses us for that moment. Wangechi passed on in 2002…and all he has to say is “ One down, One more to go!”

Lewis: Oh boy! Oh boy! I should just have named this post after him. Apparently in the same holiday I was wearing some loose shorts, such that, at a time I bent over I revealed a butt crack. Now to him, this was the best thing to happen to him because the poor fool thought he was the only one that had one. And as he recalls-I have no recollection of this whatsoever- I apparently sat him down and told him about the buns and the cracks. And he was so relieved he lived happily ever after. (LMAO! LMAO! LMAO!)

M: This child had a heart of Gold and the persistence of a summer rash. He could get onto your last nerves-with his forgetfulness, stubbornness and annoyance. Lunch time, the moron forgot his lunch money again. So guess who has to suffer-his friends. So as usual he takes over control of our money…he begs and borrows and he divvies up how the money has to be spent. Eventually he manages to buy himself a descent amount of food and guess what even has enough change to buy for the street kids some lunch too. Impressive! Worse, he has munched his chips with his fat fingers all oily, and then he wipes off grease and tomato sauce on his burger. He is totally clueless that you are watching him. And then he has the audacity to look at you with some angel eyes that would have you adopting him immediately and offer you, with utmost kindness, if you would like a burger! I don’t know what was worse-him eating a burger off your money while u were having none…or the fact that he had just wiped off his hands on it!!!!

P: After a balloon debate in which I emerged victorious. He came congratulating me wholeheartedly, and further added that it was a good thing that I had defeated R. He continued how R thought he could debate and was always wasting his time in debates. R was crap! R was useless! R this… R that. He kept trying to high-five me…and I was unresponsive. All this time I’m speechless/stunned/quiet because R was standing next to me and the Dumb-Ass was not seeing him as he went on and on…well not for long cause R cleared his throat and there was an awkward moment followed by sheepish grins followed by quick scampering into the distance!

P: Same P as above, this time eager and willing to learn how to count stomata under the microscope, enquired off the biology teacher how to do so. To which the sarcastic teacher replied “You start with one…proceed to two…eventually you reach three…” That is what you call TRAUMA! When the whole Bio Class is rolling in stitches!

G:LOL squared. This Girl was so brave for taking part in a School Play as the only female role, when she was just a form one with season veterans like us. Scenario: She was supposed to go faint all of a sudden and we were to carry her by her shoulders and legs and carry her onto the table. What happened during rehearsals: She faints and three of us dash for her as always and she falls in our arms. We carry her…however en-route to the desk…suddenly her weight shifts and the 3 of us are in bad positions to stop this from happening. And she tips, overturns and is headed towards the floor but is stopped by the corner of the desk connecting with the bridge between her boobies! After the brief encounter of the close kind she lands onto the floor with disheveled. Now at first we were worried! But her releasing a tiny yelp assured us she was ok. Did I fail forget to mention the so-called veterans were immature childish Form Two’s. Giggles/Guffaws/Chortles/Laughter filled the air. She arose holding and patting her bossom like she was choking, arching her back like she was about to bear a child…and her left hand was as speechless as we were for either it was on her back, her forehead, in the air waving us off, or touching the edge of the desk in disbelief…Her left hand did the talking! She had so many poises like each was an expression of emotion. There was the “Oh my Gawd this just didn’t happen!” “Are my Ribs intact?” “Ouch, that Hurt!” “I never wanna dance again cause guilty feet have got no rhythm” “If I squeeze my boobies 3 times saying -there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home- all this might disappear!”

The female director run to her and couldn’t rub her pain away. Everyone was laughing hysterically and so was she….that scene was perfected!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Uchawi at its best???....NOT!

Oh, the beauty and joy of a short post.

Trust me this thing had me puzzled at first..I had tried everything even repeating the same number didn't change a thing. However, you do have to think of a real number resulting from proper maths. If you guys can figure it out, comment chap chap...this is impressive stuff! But the catch is pretty obvious...

I tried 17-8=9 like ten times different symbols they got it right all the time...a PRIZE will await he who figures out what the catch is fastest. That PRIZE could be an email of PART 2 and 3 of the BLOGGER MEET UP

If you wanna be fooled check this out...but small hint, it really isnt magic
Flash Mind Reader

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Another Blogger's Meet Up

Again we met yesterday. Just had to meet. Once you start you can’t stay away from them. It’s like an itch that you just have to scratch; it’s like that cheap pleasure when you hit the right spot in your ear when using a cotton bud. Present without apologies were the same crew of Gishungwa, Guess, Shiroh, Milo, Thinker, and Blue Poet but guess who graced us with an appearance as well. MentalAcrobatics, Kenyan Pundit and the very real Daud el Raud the blog hater. In the mix was Mental's cousin, a fellow blogger as well Ncruba and Mental’s brother Hendrix…which he insisted was Hendrix as in Stevie not Jimmy…and Mental’s sister as well. Word of advice Mental, even us guys have relas to bring hakuna cha showing off.

Now a blog on this second meet up requires Cohunes. I’m telling you there is so much to say so little letters on the alphabet. Where can one start? Too many angles to take it. There is my usual fictional style…or the Sleeze (and I know how sleaze is spelt) Crew style…or we can even do a part 1-5 mini-blog mini series kind of thing which is what I’m going to do for a change. This time nothing has been fabricated, and like in 24, the following events took place in real time and place…I remind you again nothing has been fabricated or blown out of proportion or exaggerated. However real words used may be taken out of context and get misplaced for added dramatic effects. What you will note is none of the bloggers will refute what will be typed…however there will be repercussions and all I can say is, “ It’s a good thing there is part 1-5”

(The ban against posting was lifted after everyone realised there was too much dirt to be swept under the carpet)

So this is Part 1: A quick Summary

We all gathered yesterday, invites had been unleashed by our dear host Gish. Setting-around 3 tables on it were various drinks, various meats, and occasionally various bloggers got up and showed us that the pelvic bone has a life of its own!

Gishungwa: I have never seen a lap dance like that. A chick can dip it low, roll it all around…trust me her milkshake can bring all the boys in the yard…Yaani she was dropping it like it was hot straight from the fire into the laps of unsuspecting bloggers. Even Blue at one point couldn’t handle the heat and he run for his dear life…its scary seeing a bump-and-grind dance scene of the Lambada type between Gish and Blue (I'm telling you his prosthetic hip is doing him justice!!!!!) A walking hurricane she is…at one point She and Guess were screaming for Hendrix’s 18 inches (that’s probably part 2 of the story)…and the other time Blue was shouting to her “Use a Condom, don’t use your hands.” She has promised me to take me to Lamu and feed me Pilau by candlelight. Now I’m yet to find out if that’s a metaphor but she said I bring the candle and she can bring the fire…

Guess: You guys need to know how and with what she says goodbye with and also for how long! Let’s just say her hands do the talking and the walking and the pinching and tugging…She had guys running away in violated…she is a mean perpetrating terrorizing machine. She is not suitable for under 30 I’m telling you! Nipples were tweaked, chest hairs yanked, necks necked, ribs pocked…all the guys were Kermit’s and she was Miss Piggy with nothing to lose! She was doing cartwheels to trap thinker.

Shiroh: She was there claiming her stake! With either me or Mental…you should have seen how she escorted Mental holding hands swinging back and forth, with both almost skipping in rhythm with the moon as their back-drop. And she had this Vaseline thing going on. One time she was on Milo’s lips greasing them…next she was all over my face pretending to be applying Vaseline on my she was in my trousers wanting to see my legs after Blue had displayed his. Oh, according to her-she has discharged the burden onto us, apparently burden of proof lies with us, the guys, who argued we were being sexually harassed!

Milo: Did you know he wears contacts…not effective because he sure didn’t see them coming! Now, the poor thing was violated in more ways than one. There was Guess and Gish, and there was Gish and Guess who were all over his ribs in a tickling fit…amidst giggles and spit bubbles and gas he scampered off for safety…you would too if guess was hot on your heels doing cartwheels.

Thinker: The quiet one with his Curly Kit and Jerry-Curl juices.... A reserved observer, very cool, calm and collected…remember the insinuations about him and Guess…needless to say the two needed a bigger room than Thinker’s Room…those two were more comfy with each other than a well fed child sucking his thumb, sleeping snuggly in his bed, in the middle of a thundering and pouring night, all covered up warm under a mosquito net. He was quoted saying he is not a fighter but a thinker!

BluePoet: No, he wasn’t in his famous track suit with concentric circles of sweat in his armpits… this Mack Daddy Lover Boy was hitting on everything in a skirt…even the waiter who in the right angle with his apron looked like was wearing a skirt. So, he took it upon himself to start rating Guess’s, Gish’s and Shiroh’s Ass. He started with a suggestion of putting their touche’s on display and we’d vote HOT or NOT….trust me part 2 of the story will have the ratings each got!

Mental: The Godfather was adamant not to repeat his butt show without the consent of his manager and agent who by the way are the same talents scouts that signed Gish as well! But nothing more can be said because he holds with him pictures of people in very compromising situations and not to mention I’m part of the admin team which many wanted to understand how I got in…bygones…. So he shall not be mentioned any further. Nor shall we discuss the fact that while we were all eating ugali and meat he was there chowing (is that the word for swallowing without chewing?) on ugali alone with Kachumbari…probably some non-vegetarian resolution???

Kenyan Pundit: WOW as Thinker would say. Graced us with her presence, such a total babe and downright friendly! I’m telling you she was eating Nyam Chom with a fork and knife…right Pundit??

Daud El Raud: I was relieved that he came so that I could finally prove I do not post as him! He definitely came for the free grub...huddled in one corner smiling to himself and his plate of chicken. A tad bit slow too-only in the last minutes was he dumbfounded to realize that Guess was Guessaurus…he almost hugged the stuffing out of her the second time.

Hendrix: Mental's Bro...he really got to know Guess and Gishungwa...mmm mmm mmm R rated! Plus he has incriminating evidence as well...then again so do we.

So what’s coming up in Part 2…
-Who drunk what and how much?
-Do the girls drink more than the guys?
-Who was flirting with whom and how was the flirting being done?
-Who was all over whom?
-Who was dressed as flimsy as their manners? Actually I can tell you that now-DAUD EL RAUD
-Where were Blue’s thumbs?
-Who was Blue’s Wangu of the Mugumo tree?
-Were Nick, Thinker and Daud and Mental just drinking FANTA or were they upto no good??
-Who left with whom?
-Who wore the same underwear like they had on the first time?

Hey and we might have a flashback to the FIRST meeting:
-Where a certain woman said she became a woman at age 4
-2 ladies were in a cat fight over Mental’s phone call?
-The real saga about who arrived with whom and left with whom?
-Was blue giving piggy back rides to Kipepeo with her pig-tails?

Stay tuned!