Tuesday, February 22, 2005

KenyaBlogs awards

Hey i figure its about time we recognised each other and rewarded ourselves...havent passed this pass the grand poo-buh or mama blog(by now we know who those 2 are)...but am hoping it works out soon!

the whole undeveloped idea includes categories like: funniest blog,best name,best lookin blog,nuttiest chick, crazy guy, best poet,best writin,best journal keepin,most informative etc the other categories havent been worked out on...the more categories the more we get to win

my idea entails that everyone gets to nominate upto 5 people per category ...and those with the highest tally get nominated...and finally we get to vote for one....
in addtion you can all submit other bloggers or your articles for consideration(yeah all those brain-childs that u thought were all that yet didnt even get one comment)...

so am yet to come up wit a proper name for all of this- maybe Kay-Bee(kenyan blog award), Kay-bloggy(ok not a good idea), tryin to put my name in it-how bout 'the nick!'-yes vain and nassicistic....

"...oh am so happy to finally get 'the nick!' i have dreamed of this moment. the blogworld has been a vessel. thank u to mama junkyard and mental..without u there wouldnt be mshairi.blogspot.com...thank u all who nominated me...thank u for the ideas...the words..." Mshairi Berry

logistics still a prob but hence callin on all of y'all

so if u all have ideas lets make this happen and maybe by april we can all have our own awards!!!

this has been a nicholasgichu idea...(or has it?)

Sunday, February 20, 2005

great to be a guy!!!!

1.Multi taskin is not lost on you. You can "do" your nails with your teeth....and then use ur chipped nails as toothpicks

2.The world is your urinal....but i hear city council has been hiding behind them bushes to nab serial urinators in town. They time u... but have the decency to patiently await u to start shakin it to dry then they go for the kill. wham-jail-1000/=fine

3.If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become life long friends or even compete who got the clothes at the cheapest rate!!!

4.all you need is a black blazer...a black trouser...2pairs of shoes formal and informal...a pair of jeans...and survive wit interchanging ties and shirts...rewinding is never an issue

5.if u recall my earlier post in dec/nov...a pair of undies at 50bob and ur set!!!

6.Wrinkles-add character...whether on your face or clad...actually so does a bit of weight!!

7.The world is your dressing room. Emergency crotch adjustments can be made swiftly and casually as you walk , talk....

8.Hot wax never comes near your pubic area....not unless u want to while handcuffed to a bed and some amazon lady is masochistically bringing your fantasy to reality.

9.if you retain water its in a water bottle....and please paas me the dictionary i check up on the meanings of bloating,cramps...

10.Our monthly mood swings are as a result of bank balances and not hormones!

11.u never have to fake it! NEVER!

12.in a previous article...did we agree it was cool to belch and fart????

13.same soap used on hands, face and body...none of that toner...cleanser moisturiser...cucumber slices...mud bath...unless ur soray-the cosmetic outlaw!!!

14.No need to carry something extra...like a hand bag.our hands always free

so if u think otherwise i challenge u to prove otherwise...chicks outthere prove that u dont have the short end of the stick!!!!(..uh..eh..hee hee..not that stick...and who told u mine was short anyway!!!)

*i hope i havent unleashed hell on earth!!!*

Thursday, February 17, 2005

If men designed the bra

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

to all the outcasts

a little dedication to everyone out there who was an outcast in school. if you perfected the art of social ineptness for whatever idiosyncrancies u may have had thru no fault of yours. if u were ever made fun of, if it hurt, here is our official geek website where we can all heal in unison and move on. Free of charge

yes its possible to open a support-blogger. tuchanukeni pamoja.

so join the club if:-

-you were the butt of all jokes and were totally unarmed in any battle of wits

-if you loved swimming so much but ur belly button aka mukonyo was an OUTTY in the worst way possible...it looked more like an appendage

-the art of continence was lost on you...
a)and your parents didnt care enough to ensure u didnt come to school smellin like u had wet your bed while wearing your uniform
b)you had an accident that everyone remembered

-you had braces that hurt physically,socially,emotionally

-you were nerdy and geeky combined.

-you had acne vulgaris. your face had eruptions, dents, scars and marks and pimples..

-you was the fattest kid in your class

-if you were the smallest thing n class and guys would just pick you up and toss you around like some rag-doll

-if u never broke your voice with the others

-if u had a color problem with your teeth and smilin was not an option

-if guys told you u smelled or had bad breath...and that you actually did despite good hygeine practises

-you were made to carry tired home cooked lunch to school...and u dreaded unleashing pungent odours of githeri from that thermos flask.

-u once got bitch slapped by a parent infront of all other kids while being picked up from school

-u were epileptic and not just giddy from the sun

-u had undescended testicle

-u were flatfooted and had to wear some thingamajig as an in-sole

-u experimented! we shall not go into what....

-u were not popular wit the opposite sex

of course if u all have other examples please feel free...lets heal together

Kenyan Blog Meme

this was a request from kui so i shall reply wit nothin but love

1. Favourite Kenyan food:

i think kenyans have perfected the art of roast!!!!and hence this can range from
-the ever so delicious nyam chom:be it beef,kuku,mbuzi(oh let me have a moment as i quiver and shiver recalling ribs once eaten at delamere in naivasha!!!)
-heck even the occasional "mtura" with or without the food poisoning
-roast maize:from the corner of any street in the estate with the seasoning of a squeezed lemon and chilli
-any thing eaten with clean bare hands:from ugali and sukuma. Chapo's with thick beef stew where u place the stew on the triangular piece of chapo and u roll it with hands and eat till ur giddy wit ecstasy.

2. Favourite Kenyan drink:

-call me sissy i love me my fanta!!!
-pundit ur right there is nothing like good old passion juice that just makes you wanna! am talkin bout freshly squeezed juice that sends my allergies haywire-sneezing and sniffling in sheer delight!
-i think the female kenyans are a tad bit too obsessed with tea

3. Favourite Kenyan TV programme:
-this has to be vioja that has run on over 20seasons by now: from bin tamaa t. t, wariahe, masanduku-remeber this one time he had been arrested for showin porn and in his accent said the porn was called "t comin of t laughin messenger" aka the comin of the loving messenger!
-there used to be tushauriane-kui it was dennis and joe. thats when we all learnt what a mchumba was and a mpenzi!
-kiini macho-it still shows!!!
-club kiboko in the days of jimmi gathu and then also with lorna irungu. YES a KTN production but with stolen material

4. Top Three Four Kenyan hang outs:
-kenyans with there peer pressure hang in k1/choices/carni/kengeles cause they think thats where everyone who is everyone is-pinting/sloshing/clunning how very cliche!
-from steers to nandos even java...another misconception-that that is the coolest place to hung out in. "oh lets meet in nando's(then we go have lunch in kenchic!)"
-cheap is better
-someone else's digs no one ever invites you to their place
-movies: or is that just me?
-if u recall there was a time kids would meet in macmillan library,national library...

5. Top Kenyan holiday destination

-without a doubt msa!!!! am beginnin to entertain naks as a destination

6. 3 Kenyan phrases you use a lot (ati, nini, nani DO NOT count and neither does bilaz!)
-KUBAF!!! or KUBAFU!!!
-honestly kui- "bilaz" "is Bilaz!"
-manze jo!
-Ni kubaya!

7. Three Four things about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go 'hmmm'
-there are people who actually listen to kiss FM!
-they are too preoccupied with keeping up with the jones' or the kamau's
-what's with the whole craze of people wanting to fly out in search of better opportunities??then they undergo this lifestyle change from accents and even now dropping their names-KK hint hint!!
-the whole KQ crew that feels too hot cause they are in-flight attendants
-kenyan musicians think kenyan songs have to be in kiswahili
-preoccupation wit drinkin,smokin,drugs...did i miss the how to be cool lecture???
-i know there are car loans but cammon...how many people out there are flossing wit cars? TOO MANY!!!!!

8. Three things non-Kenyans say about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go 'hmmm'
-you have internet?
-you should try buying your stuff from the dealership/original shop....
-you dont have snow?!?!?!?!
-you are actually funny?!

9. Three things about Kenya/Kenyans which non-Kenyans ought to know.
-am more abreast with tv/movies than u will ever be
-cheap in kenya takes u miles...takes u further than those marathon runners u know so damn well!
-kenya is a wonderful place whih they should visit and not talk about in ignorance

10. Complete this sentence: I am Kenyan because...
-i have roger whitaker's "my land is kenya" album ha ha ha
-i am cool calm and collected.
-i understand that mtush is a way of life.
-i am friendly.
-i am classy yet shady-all in one-you know that kenyan class.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

my song for the moment

Twista featuring Faith Evans-HOPE

from the coach carter soundtrack

Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Cuz we hopeful!

Saturday, February 12, 2005


hey just wanna give a big shout out to mentalacrobatics.com (u'd think i know his name by now)funny thing i'd had about him way way back his website had been advertised on kissfm by caroline mutoko

he has united kenyans out there. and thru him we have found kinsmen some of sane minds...others like me! but the funny thing is,u have no idea how much of friends we have created via him-until some of ur fellow bloggers pull thru for u.

SO a big shout out to Don MentalAcrobatics-we should all visit you with gifts,kiss u on the cheek-and pledge our allegience to you!(i hope thats enough suckin up!)

i hope i have made an offer that u can't refuse![ok enough with the godfather lines:)]

Mshairi and Kui

hi there my very avid and funny readers...thisis in response to your comments on my "we were born evil"

Now u have gone further and proved my point!

Why should u feel good doing good. its not about feeling good..why shouldnt u feel plain..or not have a feeling at all.

There was a debate once on friends(i don't believ am quoting friends)...but any way the argument was there is totally no act that is SELFLESS!!!! whereby all examples led to a person either feelin good or benefitting. When u see a beggar and u give him cash- is it cause its the right thing to do...or its natural...or cause u feel good giving out cash?

anyway my point is you shouldn't say it feels good to do something good...u should just do good irregardless!

Me,my bed and I

MAKING THE BED:is that the title of a movie or song?

i realised i have this habit of not making the bed...and my point is why should i?

-won't i mess it up again.so why bother?
-won't fluffin the duvet just do
-unless u have those annoying visitors that creep into ur bedroom...wait a minute who freakin cares!!!!! tough love. My proverb "i didnt make my bed and am still gon' lie in it!"
-ok when the househelp undid ur blue sheets...washed and ironed them and didnt have the audacity to put them back cause time happened to run out between her 5hr shift...then u can make ur bed.ONLY THEN!!!

Now i shall not go into what a bed is used for... check out ...http://mskohcoh.blogspot.com/ but whether its sleepin or.... u either will be asleep or too bust/busy to notice.

Now i love me some cold blue sheets. A nice piilow-cold pillow...now if u was ever in my bed just sittin, readin ...tafadhali DONT SIT ON MY PILLOW! i think a pillow is the most intimate possesion u could ever have. and someone just lands their butt all over it and then makes the pillow warm...isn't that a crime!!!

I like it when u enter a cold bed-ur toes all curled up and u roll into a ball...and as u warm ur bed ur fall neck deep in slumber.

I don't snore! I at times may drool me a river-but hey tahts my pillow and i can drool if i want to!

I sleep with the lights on!

..to be continued

excerpt of what hell is!

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


*courtesy of lotsofjokes.com

Friday, February 11, 2005

Royal Family:The prince and her

Now if there was ever a soap that i ever did follow..this was...i'm still awed by all those fancy names...duke and earl ... love there british sense of humor and their self righteousness... we all wish we were. I was watchin on sky news and saw that Prince Charles earns or is worth like 300million sterling pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



what on earth do you do with that cash ? i'll tell u! U marry the most handsome and rugged woman i ever did lay my eyes on. Yes none other than Camilla todo sobre!

My God, thank God they not thinkin of siring cause i wouldnt wanna see SHREK'S phenotype out there. Damn now that is one ugly couple!!!!

Anyway...i do wish them all the best...am sure Princess Di is rollin in her grave, kickin her armani shoes off, and screamin like an unamused damsell 6feet under.

We were born evil

In life we discover that there are things within us that are innate. Such that no one taught us, or nor did we observe and learn but we were born with these factors.
For instance no one taught us how to smile when we’re happy. Or to cry when sad. Or even to suckle…

And it is with such explanation that I concur that we were born with bad qualities…we can chose not to be evil-but the most important part is that we were born with EVIL! I have done some evil…or harbored evil thoughts…but how come I am not the only one? Hey am not playing the devil’s advocate on a “Lucifer Commission of enquiry tribunal”…But how come we’re all sinners? It would be futile to try and fathom the origin of evil. Even when we don’t sin, when we chose right from wrong-my point lies in the fact that evil is part and parcel of our every day existence.

-In 1986 I actually told some kid to continuously jump on a sewer cover. I wanted the poor kid to stump hard such that it breaks and he’d topple in…cunnivingly I’d convinced him nothing would happen to him…but I had sincerely hoped he’d plunge in.
Isn’t that transpiring to murder? What would a 7 yr old know…was I an evil child or a child with evil? A very fine line….

-I’ll use another example with kids. If you think of all childhood stunts pulled my kids. Kids enjoy tripping their friends, placing pins on chairs, spitting on someone’s food etc
They maybe clueless on consequences but why perform the act nonetheless?

-Why do people always run to watch a scene of accident or mob justice or a fight? It’s not just curiosity? It’s not out of concern? But somewhere deep inside lays some morbid pleasure in viewing something bad happening to someone else. What do you think someone is thinking when he or she says “weka tyre!” “choma!”

-Gossip: yes that juicy art of conversation that we all do. Why back bite? Why reveal other’s secrets except for the sheer fact that it is so darn enjoyable!!! But why would something evil be enjoyable?

-Why do we sin, period?! Not cause we are weak! Its cause we’re self-centered and it comes naturally. We lie, cheat, embellish incessantly. We covet…lust…envy… we have all stolen… We sin left right and center… sometimes in our subconscious, even in our dreams…

“He without sin cast the first stone…”

How come there is no one casting a stone? …Except little toddlers-the reason being they are not verbal or mobile yet?

-We play pranks at people cause we enjoy making fools of other people. We enjoy when he underdog triumphs in humiliation, anguish and pain. We enjoy a laugh at someone else’s expense…we are shameless and surprisingly proud of it.

Now many of you will criticize my points but herein lies nothing but the truth… Maybe we’re evil incarnate. Evil/sin lies beneath and will always bubble to the surface…we should all accept that fact. With such self-realization, only then can we move forward and become better. Enough with denial, we’re evil but we can embrace that evil and fight it!
Let’s not have people criticizing sinners…or being hypocrites and self righteous. It is human to sin.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Lord God I have internet at home

ok so its for a free 5days-c/o clubinternet(yes i shall advertise it)

but u know am your typical kenyan and a kikuyu at that!!! i shall use it to the max damn it.hell frwkin yeah!!!!

all i can say is thank God i quit my saturday job and let the games begin

Saturday, February 05, 2005

sipping on vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On thepulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to getnervous, I take a sip."So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following noteon the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

*the above article was copy/pasted from deno's(check blogs i read) website...found it funny very funny!!!!!!!!!!!

val's cynic

Tis the season of Valentine and many a lasses have already done there shopping for red clad and are ready to get swooned off their feet. Their day has arrived and their hearts set to get spoilt, molly-coddled, treated…and shown how much they are loved!

Is there too much emphasis placed on love…real love for that matter? How many a romantic comedies have there been,that left us retchin:
-Pretty Ho,
-Sleepy in Seattle,
-When Harry Laid Sally,
-An officer and a not-so-Gentleman
-Shakespeare in Lust
-Four funerals and a wedding
-my best friends divorce
-Nothing Hill
.....evidently u can tell I have no date this year.

but don't u think that the whole val's think is overated..shouldnt every day be vals not just one specific time

Anyway my topic was the love songs…all those mushy mushy songs…I agree there are some good ones out there(and as u all know by now am totally biased to whatever Babyface has ever written)

But there are songs I’d like to bring out: e.g

Secret Lovers-Atlantic Stars: Oh yes for all those having affairs on the side. “here we are the two of us together….we shouldn’t b together but we can’t let go…no no…cause we love each other so!”

Bump and Grind-R Kelly: “My mind’s telling me NO! but my body….my body’s telling me YES!…|”

Doin just fine-Boyz2Men: If you recently just got dumped but are holding your head up high. “….so unfair to me girl…ur no longer my world…and I aint missing you at all!!!!!”

Sleepin in my bed-Dru Hill: all I can say is that you’re not being arrogant and talking about yourself in the third person. “somebody is sleepin in my bed…messing with my head”

Breathe Again-Toni Braxton: If ur suicidal and need blackmail to hold onto your love..."...i promise u i promise u that i shall never breathe again!"

all in all for those in love...or young at heart have a wonderful vals. eat chocolates to ur hearts content,exchange gifts...live love!

24 season 4

A friend of mine once told me that the reason he doesn’t watch 24 is the sheer fact that it has too much suspense!!!!!….I wonder what his point is?

Ladies and gentlemen, I managed to get 24:season 4,episode 1-4…yes I know that the first episode aired on 9th January…less than a month back. Am as dumbfounded as you all are…except I’m not bestowed with envy. Honestly I have no idea how a Kenyan video lib has clear copies of 24. Of course camera copies are impossible(since its tv show and all!) But how we have them? How they got here…to hell with piracy laws one Nick is a happy tv addict.

I went through these emotions:
-It’s impossible!
-No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-No $hi*, it actually is SEASON FOUR!!!!!!!!!
-O yes!( As I pulled the tape of its cover)
-OH YES! (some kind soul had rewound the tape!)
-O O OH OH OH! (pronounced like in that Kanye West, Jamie Foxx, Twista song “oh oh oh…. she said she wants some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross, a little Anita …..”)
-Hot damn!!!!! (it was clear)
-inhale slowly…exhale deeply…
-The following takes place between 7 am and 8 am…beep beep beep

I love giving spoilers but what can I say- get it your own damn selves-yes u get a bit arrogant if ur one of the first people to watch it in Kenya.

The great Willliam Devane-of Knots Landing aka Greg Somner is now a cast member. Just as before it still is exquisite.

Its 9.29 pm. This is Nick and tonight I shall sleep well!!!! Beep beep beep