Thursday, September 29, 2005

Met Blue Poet

Hmmh the day was going on just well. Woke up late after taking a sleeping pill…two movies in the morning in my favorite spiderman pyjamas… Late in the afternoon I logged onto messenger and started chatting with Mshairi and Blue…Then all of a sudden the Poet has this urge to meet me…like it was some last dying wish before they remove the oxygen tubes! We’re chatting away freely with Mshairi…and it hits him “Am meeting you today, Nick!” No amount of changing the topic…or laughing it off was gonna offset his notion…he had decided he was meeting the son he never had! He is not easily dissuaded-he was up there in his tutu on the balance beam and nothing was going to make him lose balance! I was under pressure/coerced/damn well near bullied!!!! Tried diverting my cell to my answering machine…nada! Tried diverting my phone to his line…nada! Heck said on Wednesdays I’m a transvestite in a tight nighty…nada! Fate had been sealed, BLUE was DESTINED to meet NICK

So I gave up…gave in...not to mention Mshairi was there fanning flames by the sidelines asking why on earth I won’t meet her hubby to be. To paraphrase “Nephew you best behave and meet here your Uncle…you’re not too old to put on my knee for a hard spanking! I’m a spank you into a man, you lil coward! You hear boy!!! Now hush and meet the man! And while you’re at it get him some denture cleanser!!! Now hustle child!

I begged and pleaded with her, “But I don’ wanna!!!” almost throwing a tantrum but Aunty wasn’t having none of that-so this child hustled and for the rest of the story of MEETING WITH BLUE…check tomorrow’s post!!!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

List of 5

Boy Oh Boy don't we hate them tags. I've tried avoiding them by being in an infinite state of 'pax' but that trick aint working! Now, I've gotten tagged by none other than Stunuh Jay. She is a dear friend of mine...whom I've known since way back when she was just Jay.So I will indulge in, hopefully, my last tag-there should be some law out there about tags!!!!!!! Howver i've done the tag with my own ka-twist!

5worst Movies:
>Drop Dead Gorgeous
>Joshua Tree
>Burn Hollywood Burn

5progs i'd watch all over again
>Beverly Hills90210
>Knots Landing and Dallas
>Fresh Prince Of Bell Air
>Lois and Clark:The new adventures of Superman

5tears from Movie Scenes:
>The Champ:when his papa got killed in the boxing game...torrents I'm tellin u...wailing harder than Travolta in that Oprah Ladder49 special
>A scene from a Naional Geographic when some poachers were chasing a herd of elephants and shot one mama-elephant. The herd kept on running and lil baby elephant looked behind and so her mama had fallen. She went back and started nudging her with her small trunk to get up. Woiye and the poor thing went behind her mama and stated to push her up with so much urgency...she tried pushing from different angles...but mama was never gonna wake up again. So she tried and tried and decided to just sit next to her....(who are we kidding try 5more tears!!!!)
>After the Promise. As Mark Hammon was trying to make do...his kids were all taken by the social service and ended up mentally retarded...
>Em hallmark movies e.g For the Love of Aaron. They should come with Viewer Discretion Advisement..'...the following movie could make a sissy out of you-be warned!!!!'
>arent those enough examples for a guy!

5killer couch potato food combinations:
-Hot sausages and Milk
-Cold Nyam Chom. I'm talking about meat that has atleast spend a night in the fridge and eating it cold like that. The fat is usually even sweeter. Bones easier to strip...Couple that with Pick N Peel Apple Juice or Del Monte Mango Juice and you have it made!!!!! Boy oh Boy!!!
-Take a bowl and mix Chevra/crisps/popcorn/njugu's/all kinda snack u can ...then add a couch and remote control...Am not a chocolate kinda person: but big screen theatre has never been right without macademia nuts..or toblerone! kit kat...
-Chilli and everything that goes with. Try it with popcorn, crisps and hotdogs!
-all out buffet! You've been spending entire morning watchin movies and realise're getting hungry so you collect pieces of breakfast and lunch and left over dinner...

4songs for the moment:
>Let me hold you: Bow Wow(formerly lil) and Omarion
>Please:Toni Braxton. Listen to them violins and watch the video
>Don't Cha:Pussy Cats something group...its has a funky beat. "dont u wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...don't cha..."
>Drama, Love and Lationships:Babyface

5things i'd be caught dead in:
>them pointy mocassin like shoes which are also called D.C's or D.O'S shoes
>muscle tops ( i forget the correct term) and speedos
>sports uniform playing an actual sport

5amusing school moments:
>remember crashing a packet of chips into smaller pieces so that there was more to share?
>remember fierce material rivalry and ridicule?
-LOL @u if u had a youth pen!
-LOL @u if ur mama believed knitted sweaters were better than store bought!
-LOL @u if ur juice bottle didn't cool juice till the afternoon or eraser erase pen marks or u had diamond pencils and coloring pencils or didn't have a bensia pencil...
-LOL @u if ur shorts were patched up in the ass and you're bata prefects had been re-soled!
-LOL @u if ur sporting bata bullets instead of high tops on closing day!

>remember building Fort Knox with 5Atlases while doing an exam so that no one could copy from you?
>remember snapping your fingers screaming "teacher me, teacher me, teacher me..." what was the big deal anyway? You'd still get it wrong and remain standing the whole lesson long!
>remember there used to be a survey for some kind of public health and we'd be asked to bring in a stool sample! There was this girl who brought a stool sample that was GREEN in COLOR!!!! Woe unto you fair- traumatised-parasite infested-clueless girl!!!!!

5amusing things in University:
>In first year out of like 40 assignments and practicals i dubbed 38! Nothing to be proud off but hey...survival was survival!
>Dubbing had been perfected to a tee! One would collect other's assignments...photocopy them...return originals to owners and then compile a master piece. Which at the end, the lecturer would even think others copied from you and not the other way around!
>There was this chick called Moraa. We didn't even know who she was but we had all photocopied her notes. She attended all classes, had a very beautiful if she got one equation wrong or spelling wrong we all went down with her!
>Skiving was survival. You'd skive classes to go have fun! You'd skive classes to read for tests and exams. You'd skive to catch up on skived classes...heck once we skived to go play scrabble...
>that we actually passed!

4unfinished blogger business:
-collabo with Milo and Kymmbr
-Return of Lequita and Akiey relationship drama
-Beginning of BigBlogger
-Unfinished war with the BluePoet and a certain Wedding coming up to Mshairi. Now my question is isnce Blue is obsessed with blue and Mshairi obsessed with purple...Will their kid be Indigo?

Friday, September 02, 2005


You know those things that you thought were gonna be all that but reality happens and you realize-it’s no BIGGIE!

After KCPE:12/11/92
Promises had been made that we’d get buck-wild. Classmates had sworn to burn their books and uniform. Scream their cracking voices out loud. So what happens after we hand over our ARTS&CRAFT papers….NOTHING! Just went home like it was some ordinary day carrying our Leaver’s Certificate. I remember some chick quipping, “what do you mean by conduct-satisfactory! Academics-satisfactory!”
No biggie. I borrowed Terminator 2 and Horror movies and my holidays begun. It was the time I discovered that horrors could be an easy way of watching soft porn too! Though after Exorcist I took a break!

And the holidays???? Did we get extra crazy-NO! A time of songs like baby baby baby by TLC (remember the debate of who was hotter amongst the 3 of them), Heal the world by MJ, Humping Around-Bobby Brown, She’s playing hard to get-Hi-five. Nothing was new, all uneventful. Well…until…

The big cut: 29Nov’92
A few grammes lighter. No idea what the big deal was…couldn’t feel the apparent significant social/traditional transition. It wasn’t as painful (thank God for anaesthesia!) or as embarrassing as I thought it would be (yeah right-pure unadulterated violation!)
Points to remember:
-Gallivanting around the house in a ‘don’t touch a/the thing’ leso. It was a hung free week! With the weight of an anvil (you’d be surprised how much bandage can be applied!), one was careful not to elicit an oscillating movement afraid to induce an infinite pendulum motion!
-Peeing was almost an adventure. Cue the ‘chariots of fire’ music. Pick the piece delicately by the already stained bandage strand. Summon all muscles in surrounding environment to coordinate. Will yourself to pee! Wait…wait…radiating warmth…radiating pain…radiating warmth and pain. Wait…wait…finally a stream…then the stream forks-so it’s two or three streams…and if you’re are lucky they are streams in one direction! Funny smell-or is it the abstinence from the shower? Sighs of relief as the vessel isn’t leaking sideways! Drip…drip…drip…replace the piece delicately….remember thou shall treat it like some fragile priceless china!
-My cousin who had the cut same time as I did calling to ask if I was oozing pus??? LORD GOD!!!
-Going back for a suture and bandage removal a week later-and seeing new lil Nicky!
I was quite disappointed:
1. I had lost a mole! (Honestly I am still bitter on that!)
2. (Totally blonde) Was it like new? Or the same old version in less clothing? Would you like tan already?

Joining Uni: Sept98. No idea what the big deal was. What happened to freedom? A chance for intellectual growth? Discovering self? Classes were 8am-5pm every freaking day of each year…difference between that and high school was the uniform! Still had to suck up! Still had to cram stuff instead of inhaling and understanding. Survival was the game. I usually pass by main campus envying and wishing that I had been part of such an institution of higher academic learning. Those buildings are so inspiring…then it hits me been there done that. I graduated dumber and more ignorant than I was before.

Driving: 31/08/98 passed my driving test. I’d been itching to get my licence-Big whoopee! As much as it is fun driving(wind in your hair driving into the sunset with loud rock music)-try getting driven around. Screw balancing-and yes I’ve had of automatics-but frankly my left leg feels kind of left out??? Screw fighting with matatus for an inch of space! Screw traffic jams! Screw looking for safe parking. Or paying parking fees. Or the parking boys that you’ve formed a rapport with so that you find your ramshackle in one rusty piece after the movies! It gets worse when you’re the one fueling!

Getting a job: Nov’03 Boy aren’t things different when it’s YOUR money! In our case we waited 3 months before the salary first came so when it came we had plans…cash was spent only to realize you have cleared 3 months salary in 2weeks. Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
So you get yourself a bank account with aims of saving and to eventually watch your millions grow!...growing …growing…still growing…one year after, if your lucky your balance is still the same-BUT growing…Stress! Depression! Some curses! Some lost weight!
With money comes needs/responsibilities/obligations which lead to expenses which lead to priorities which lead to economizing and accounting which leads to sacrificing which leads to hatred …it’s all downhill!!!

Honey: mid 86. For somemisconstrued reason i thought honey was like the most delicious thing. I had never tasted it before-WAIT! Am talkin about honey the product from bees not that other honey! Which summarised would be CLIMAX=ANTICLIMAX or the other way around!!!Talk about a peak that wasn't a curve but a straight line wit a gradient of almost 1. Anyway back to the topic at hand..yeah poor kid hadn't tasted it only just seen it in jars. It had never occured to me that the reference of it being sweet was sweet as in sugary. Not delicious! Not finger licking good! So there I am opening the jar anticiapting a taste equivalent to:
-Wimpy's coleslaw
-Nyama Choma from Dagoretti Corner
-Kenchic chicken or New Stanley Chicken in the basket
-Mandy's Pan Fried Steak
-Strikes Breakfast special

But to my utter taste disappointment the freaking thing was just sweet! Talk about false advertisement!!! Heartbreak!

First encounter with ‘death’: Oct2000. Thought I was dying. Yeah it is kind of an anticlimax when you are so certain you are dying only to realize you were but a fool!

Had been losing weight that year. Looking anorexic is not synonymous with Nick. I used to be a turgid bundle of health! Well not this year. Belt size was less. Trousers sagging-it was like exfoliation and I was watching it happen!

In April I had a pure bout of dysentery! Forget common food poisoning with cramps, fever and the runs-ladies and gentlemen in dysentery you pass blood as stool. Not bloody stool-nope! Not traces of blood-nope! Not popping a vein from constipation-NOPE! Fresh frank blood-voluminous liquid, torrents, waterfalls, maji maji, I’m talking about peeing twice at the same time!!!!!
Surprise gender-prank periods-If ONLY!
Had I eaten some salad somewhere-NO!
Unboiled water-NO!
Contamination from microbiology lab-OF COURSE NOT!
Has this ever happened before-NO!

Later on had some unexplained rashes-though they were kinda cute and felt good scratching! Chicken pox-NOPE-had them in August ‘88 after a silly classmate decided to give the whole class a going away August Hol’s present!!!(may you itch in hell woman…where the sun don’t shine, where the rain don’t drop, where the fish don’t swim, where the leaves don’t fall and where the snow don’t land!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Last major symptom together with the rashes-unexplained diarrhea! Stops and comes again, stops comes again. As in, I’m talking about the same day. Pass normal stool in the morning, come afternoon runs! Come evening, normal!
Eating only from home-diarrhoea.
Not eating at all-diarrhoea.
Irritable bowel syndrome-maybe!
Worried-definitely. But trust me, I was suffering psychologically-you know the words- strumming my ass severally, telling my life with the signs… killing me softly with the rashes…killing me softly with the weight loss…

Dying? Er…uhm…well-giggle-I’m still here!