Life: 101

Welcome class to Life Academy. My name is Sgt Life. I am the best teacher, and i show no mercy!!!! I'll teach you more than any Ivy League establishment!!! Teach you more than your mama ever can, could, will -so don't you give me that lip saying "my mama told me life's like a box of chocolate!!!" I'm meaner than any venereal disease, and trust me my scars don't heal as easy!!!! Harder than a constipated pregnant rhino patiently waiting to see a dentist! Tougher than any girl at a discount store sale! By the time I'm through with you, I will have earned your respect, and you will know who your bitch is! I will humiliate you, violate you, turn you upside down, inside out-and you will have to take it like the pansy ass pussy that you are!!! Gear up; you're in for a ride!!!

Boy, don't we all wish we attended such an institution where 'Life' was all ready to teach us and all we had to do was listen hard and take notes. Many will argue, "But that will take out all the joy out of life!?" Sure that's true, life has had its good moments, but when the going gets tough it gets rough and bumpy. There are things you learn the cold hard way. So hard it almost changes you for life-heck, redefines you right to the core. All cause of a certain experience. All because u learned it on your own naive/innocent/ignorant self

1.Death: regardless of what you people say or write about. Nothing can ever compare to losing a loved one. There are no words that can explain what one goes through...it's just one of those things that when life deals you lemons-you swallow them whole!

2. Me myself and I: Only life can really tell you who you really are and what you are made of. Have you ever asked yourself 'who am I?' Many have written books on how you have the potential to reach great limits. Many claim that our brains are full of untapped potential...further stating, that we use less than 5% of our grey matter.
But how come no one discusses the potential that we all have to self destruct! Yaani, the greatest critique is none other than ourselves...you think others can make you depressed-think again! We are our own enemy! You are the reason you are in a lousy mood! You are the reason you think you are a failure! You are the reason you think you are unaccomplished, unfulfilled, unhappy! It is you who set those high standards and it is you who has failed to achieve it! So whether you are happy or suicidal-life has simply given you the stage to act out your drama. Think of what a suicidal person is actually thinking as he plummets 20 floors down. A bulimic patient throwing up after every meal because they think Food is forbidden pleasure. An anorexic starving themselves to death because to them being fat is ugly. Sure they are labeled Psychotics-but what do you really know! What demons lie in us that can inhibit and inhabit our very souls? Who am i?

3. Friends: Oh yes. Remember back in the days when you had a best friend...and they'd be interchanged in a heartbeat. "You're no longer my best friend; Ken is my new Best Friend!"
Gradually friendships evolved in meaning. They became people who you shared experiences with and secrets...you enjoyed each others companies and became inseparable.
But soon you came to realise that these same friends later let you down like you wouldn't believe. You'd have sold your soul to the devil to help your buddy out-but as Life would have it they show you their true colors. Many are users! Many only want your friendship when it’s beneficial to them. Friendships for convenience! Friendship for association!
Don't trust easy!

4. Cash: Whoa! This is a tricky one! Lending cash to relatives, friends... my motto 'Lend cash you are willing to lose' Sometimes if you lose a friend over cash-it may have been a small price to pay!
Trust me if you are smart; pause. And think of 5excuses right now that you'd use to avoid lending out cash. Memorize them. And when that nag comes a begging you will already be prepared. Think early, think now. Cause usually you end up lending someone cash, even when you know better, simply because you were unprepared and didn't know how to get out of it!!!

5. Relatives: Whatever you do-DO not make the mistake of living with relatives. Am not talking about siblings shacking up, or cousins shaking up. Am talking about you moving into a different household where they are doing you a favor....Ain't no sunshine when you're around. Regardless if you were close as hell before there will always be uncomfortable tensions and expectations that you could do without.

6. Love: Love hurts. Love is worth giving it another try. Love brings out the best and worst of you....and surprisingly Love doesn't and shouldn't cost a thing.

7. Humor: If you ever need a mask to hide behind-that's it! If you ever need a friend that helps lighten the situation-that's him! If you ever need a device to bring out the best of everyone.... A medium through which you should view the whole world...that's it. If there's anything that can conquer life-Humor is it!!! So how bout that Sgt Life?!?!?!?!

8. Sincerity: This is a tough one. They say sincerity is the mother of invention-right? Screw that, if you can fake sincerity YOU have it made!!! No, am not saying be a hypocrite, oh no!! Am just saying life is a bitch, you need to learn some loopholes. If you can lie through your pearly whites, for your own benefit-great for you. Trust me you work in the civil service this is a prerequisite to functioning in such an establishment.

9. Remember:
-Do unto others before it’s done unto you.
-Be nice at all times. A little courtesy will take you a long way.
-But in the same breath don't let people walk all over you.
-Revenge is a dish best served cold!!!

10. Learn to say NO!!! There's nothing more pissing than saying yes to something you already know you will regret to. Either rehearse excuses for possible scenarios or refuse bluntly....and remember fake that sincerity!!!!

So I better wind up here, before I start looking like those-know-it-alls that appear on Oprah. Having written books and look like an authority on life.
My verdict: Life is a bitch (.......and then you get married to one!!!) and you just have no idea!!!
Be warned and Be careful. It gets worse and better at the same time!

Tagged...Movies....

Yaani, ati i got tagged by Soray. And all he has to say is 'chako!' Soray i hate them tags but since its you, i shall oblige.lakini tag me again and you'll know am on 'pax'

1. Total number of films I own on dvd/video:
in my younger days i'd dub left right and centre...got caught in the VCD phase and the DVD phase. So i'd say close to 60. some originals some copies of copies of originals.

2. The last film I bought:
got those shady 4in1's that had the entire American Pie trilogy

3.The last film I watched:
on screen: Kingdom of Heaven-am a big Ridley Scott fan. Oralndo Bloom is ok...but annoyingly i kept seeing scenes from Lord of the Rings...and u know u never compare a movie to Lord of the Rings-cause its unimaginable. so to say the least i didnt like it pretty much.
Tv:Mr 3000-what a waste.

4.Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
this is a dodgy one...i have fav films in different genres which i repeat constantly

-classic endings:would def be Usual Suspects, Fight Club, Memento, Seven
-spoofs: Scary Movie(can't get enough of that one) Not another teen movie. Naked Gun. Lampoon Vacation movies
-Comedies:Mr's Doubtfire. Rob Schneider Movies
-trilogies: Lord of the rings, Godfather...just start anywhere stop anywhere
this is an open ended question for me...i'll stop here

5. Tag five people and have them put this in their journal:
i'll tag the newer members and watch em tag older members of KBW...so in the true spirit of tapo: Kari, Farmgal, Wg-K,Shiroh,Kipepeo ni chako!

Back in School Moments: Pri

When they said “Son, your best days in life are in school!” they knew what they were talking about. It’s funny how we forget the little things that were part and parcel of us back then. It’s even more amazing how we ever acquired those traits in the first place. Am sure psychologists wouldn’t even have a clue, on the nitty gritty of childhood-especially with influence from school. Now during one of my therapy sessions, retrograde memory flash back I uncovered some memories that made me-to put it simply-smile. So I cordially invite you to smile along with me.

TOILET MOMENTS.
-“Please teacher can I go to the toilet?” to which the teacher breaks into a grammar session of the correct usage of the words ‘may’ and ‘can.’ At that time you are fidgeting form foot to foot…so obediently you try again…
-“Please teacher MAY I go to the toilet?” to which she smiles, happy with the correct term but answers, “NO! Wait for the bell!!!!”
-what was with the obsession of us guys writing vulgar (at that time ‘bad’) language. In my first Pri School we had this long urinal…and as u peed you’d read stuff previously written or drawn (by you or others)
-Speaking of peeing. Where on earth or rather who invented that style of peeing? Girls you will not understand this. But guys do you remember? No need to unbutton or unzip them shorts-just reach down under, over and about, and out-convenient and easy.
-In primary what was the big deal about taking a dump?

FOOD MOMENTS:
-Oh the competition of the best juice bottles.Form star wars, to non-breakable. To one that keeps liquids ice cold....
-We used to have food camps. A group of 3-5 friends would identify a tree in the field and that would be there camp. Members of other camps were not welcome nor could they swap food with ours.
-Couldn’t they have invented thermoses that didn’t make the githeri/ugali/stew thing reek as soon as you opened the top? There’d be that ‘psssss’ sound as gas escaped then followed by a pungent odour...and you’d mask your facial expression as you dug into the food with a spoon, cause you know mama knew best!!!

-So who said that if you crush crisps/chevra into tinier pieces you get so much more???
-There was also hot lunch/ or food from the dining hall…no one ever told me that Friday fish would be my downfall the following weekend.
-Nick Begs/Nick sharing/No-more-no-less phrases coined to those classmate beggars that always hounded you and you food
-Oh remember the rules of sharing sodas/juice
1. Drink through your sweater
2. No backfiring
3. Heck don’t touch the bottle with your funky lips.

TEACHER’S PET MOMENTS:
There are 2 kinds of these-the sweet ones like lil Nicky, and the evil malicious minions of Lucifer. What’s the difference? The first kind (ME) is the type the teacher wants to adopt and take care of for the rest of their lives-whereas the second type-are those evil malicious….told on you like it was in vogue.

-“teacher, I heard Nick saying ART, stands for another rotten teacher!”
-“teacher, Nick broke his flask!”
-“teacher, Nick was copying my answers!”
-“teacher, Nick was talking and throwing papers!”

EVIL I TELL YOU.

PERSONALITY MOMENTS:
-the cool ones that showed you how to bounce and were a hit with all the girlies.And the hot chicks, that wore perfume and dared to chew gum!!!
-the really dumb kids in class. This was really mean-but face it they were dumber than 2nails.
-the fat ones-yeah right it was just the fat one
-the really thin fast ones. Agile, flexible-admired by the girlies. Hated by the fatties.
-the pumped ones: called first bodies!!! Ever so willing to arm wrestle or bully
-the geeks/geniuses: that had heavy vocab like “rumor-mongering,” “back stabbing,” “contemplating” Oh and they never were number 1-5 but damn it they knew there stuff.
-the smart ones: now these were number 1-5. Gifted sons of….

P.E MOMENTS:
Boy being the fat kid in school was torture.
Heck changing in and out of uniform was torture.
Ha, and what’s with the fact you couldn’t find a floater that could go round my soggy midsection. So I had to get one of those that went halfway round. Picture this: Nick-std 2, cute lil blue (non-Calvin Klein) with a white stripe swimming costume with a black dinosaur floater, waddling in and out of the pool!!!

Torture was everywhere, be it Games or Swimming:

“LET’S WAIT FOR NICK TO FINISH”

Physical torture: the finishing
Emotional torture: the waiting
Mental torture: the fact that you can actually discern the above two

CHEAP MOMENTS:
-In Junior English Comprehensions Homework. I never did question 6 or 7. Would always hand in 9 questions instead of 10. HA! and got away with it.
-I actually handed in a book report, in which I was very honest in explaining how I didn’t remember the character’s name but nonetheless continued explaining what it was all about. THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS SET YOU FREE.
-At one time I used to think “It’s as clear as Brystal.” What the fuh?
-I’d actually write compositions with Frank and Joe Hardy as the main characters. “Frank and Joe were in Class …then the bell rung went out for break. They saw Maina in the climbing frame and they shouted at him to get down…”

GIRL MOMENTS:
-for a period girls were evil. We’d brand them as ‘POISON!’ As Dexter would say they have cooties? Sitting with them was torture. Talking to them was taboo!
-but they’d be so sweet and kind and let you borrow there novels, homework…heck they’d be kind to tell you “Nick Blow your nose!”
-and then they evolved and started asking for your number, and you’d shy off. They’d insist and you'd giggle (who’s the girl here?) …and at home time your bag has mysteriously disappeared and you search 20minutes for it only to find it in the same place you had left it. Reason: they went into your bag into your school diary and retrieved your number. Smart don’t you think.
-Oh the first time u got called by a chile/chick-jumping Jupiter’s.
-Got a note from one- icha wa-wa (Ewoks style!)


MOVIE MOMENTS:
Be it at Mid-term and Friday-borrowing tapes from your video lib was justice to a school going kid.

That was the time of Herbie goes …, BMX bandits/kids, Superman, Wonder woman, Super girl/boy, Tarzan, Police academy, James bond, Carry on…. Movies.
Ngai-akina No retreat No surrender, Death before Dishonor, Kickboxer, American Ninja, Missing in Action, Delta Force, Bruce Lee….

Ah Sigh!!!

Nick meets Ms K

Finally the Spiderman met Lisa Simpson yesterday. This is the third blogger I have met so far and am still counting. This was the first female blogger I’ve met, and she ain’t bad at all. and as you read the rest of the post you will see why the pleasure was all mine....

Venue:
Nbi West

Time:
Yesterday Friday the 13th
1:00pm though Ms K reached at 1:47pm

Agenda:
1. To discuss territorial ground on Mshairi’s family. I was there first, hakuna cha stealing my thunder.
2. Swapping of desparately seeked DVD’s that Spidey had(courtesy of Patron Saint) that Lisa woulda killed for.
3. Lunch Date. Though she actually stood me up coming late and all. (Can u imagine first date and am kept waiting...could i be more of a loser???)
4. Any other business…cough cough cough

Initial Reaction:

Spidey: (seated behind his desk looking debonair…wondering where or what to look at in a deep, intellectual, reflective look.)
Lisa: (Elegantly walks in exhuding charisma.)
Spidey: (thinking inside) Wow!! Wowie!!! What a beautiful smile and a lovely pair of…er…teeth!
Lisa: (thinking out loud…and laughing out loud) Damn, You DO have a babyface!
Spidey: Drat!!!
Lisa: (Still pointing and laughing. Short of falling on her back and kicking bicycle-kicks in the air while thumping her fists by her side. Am talking about hysterical giggles. Tears rolling down her eyes, blurring her vision, I had to aid her to a chair. She’s choking in laughter…)
Spidey: (Dumbfounded and evidently not amused!)

Summary:
This babe is gorgeous.
This babe has one of those rich, creamy, husky voices that Toni B/Anita Baker/Ja Rule would envy to have. Not too raspy to clean an oven but hoarse enough to make you wanna listen out for more.
Of course she swore( a.k.a choke-hold) me to secrecy not to reveal anything else. However we decided to blog about it so you could read her version as well.

Endearing traits:
-she had me pinned to enough eye staring contests.
-she has this thing of lookin looney with her eyes. She makes them go round like some cartoon character-totally sweet!

Questions she asked: How old are you? Are you Single? Are you the first born, middle or last? What you do for fun?

Answers she replied: That’s OMAR calling, so stop staring at me that way! No, I will not lend give you my “da vinci code” novel. No, we cannot meet again! I shall from now on live vicariously through you!

Insults she hurled: You’re sweet and cute!!! (pass me a vomitus bucket!)

Did I make an impression?: Hell yeah!!
-I had her laughing at first site. (You’d think that would shatter my self esteem-NOT with what am paying my therapist!)
-she stifled a yawn just once.
-glanced at her watch just twice
-during one of my many stories she read the newspaper and even asked for a pen to do the crossword!
-offered to escort her to which she adamantly refused “PASS me my damn DVD’s.”
ok am kidding, she was like “No, no,no…don’t bother, am just fine. This has been lovely…have a nice life!”

Meeting again: You better believe it. So my ego insists.

Musically Funny

Guys are usually subjected to enough male bashin songs...apparently we don't:
-Act right!
-Love right!
-Make love right!
-Write cheques right!
-Have credit right!
-do anything right

But despite those endless cheap shots in songs,those lyrics leave me in stitches...

-just listened to an old song by en vogue and i had to laugh. Yaani, chicks have been dissin us guys way before "no scrubs" and "bills bills bills" This song is just too funny. There's a bridge that went "never gonna get it,never gonna get it, never gonna get it...my loving...not this time"

ati " maybe next time u'll give ur woman some lil respect, so u won't be hearin her say...never never gonna get it(x4)..had ur chance to make a change..." i'm not picturing Wamaitha singin that song to me. Am seeing her bluntly saying, "Haiya ni haku!" as she packs her luggage and re-assigns me to do the milking and cooking... she bundles lil Nick Jnr on her back and storms off.....wait a minute what is that tune she is whistling????

-u gots to have a J.O.B if u wanna be with me:whatever happened to true love? can't we all just get along? With or without cash...who said u can't raise kids on love

-There was Whitney's "my name is not susan!":and your point is? didn't Tyrese put it right when he said "...why u wanna trip? How u gonna act like that... u know we be makin love, breakin stuff..that ghetto love!!!" Cammon sweetie, quit playin? Why of all times is the name 'Susan' buggin you now? You know u look like a Susan! Kwanza a ka-Suzie-you pretty young thang'

Haiya ni haku!!!!

-Ruffneckby mc lyte:By the time i was through with that song i was thoroughly insecure about my manhood/manness/ruffneckness. Could u talk about us with some respect? We have some feelings you know? Why u wanna talk like am a 83kg piece of meat

-Ms Badu had ati "u better call tyrone and ask him t hellp u come and get your shit!!! but u can't use my phone!!!...damn that's just cold! Colder than your idea of cheap foreplay!!!Colder than all those nights i spent alone while u were out there earning US some dough?

-Superwoman.( i have always loved this song) "...now u say the juice is sour..it used to be so sweet and i...i..can't help but to wonder if ur talkin bout me....." woiye lets give this chick a hug and flowers. I feel her pain "...i fight my way thru the rush hour tryin to make it in time for u..."
Woiye-Tomorrow AM wakin up early-and i'll put YOUR breakfast on ur table...but the dishes are on you!!!!!!

-Straight up:Paula Abdul.... As in the dame is tellin us jamaas 'tujipange', jo!!!!' "straight up now tell me is it gonna be u and me together..oh oh oh..or are u just having fun!!!!! Whatever happened to playing hard to get...numerous inuendo's...just rolling with the tide?

-Freak like Me:Adina Howard...."I need a freak in the morning freak in the evening!" Talk about demands. I may be young looking, but i ain't young no more! I ain't no machine! The whole multiple orgasm theory is lost on the male species....whatever happened to hugs and kisses and buying y'all chocolate and flowers? And talkin of freaks..how come u don't entertain my idea of biting? ice? telephone wire?

-One minute man by Missy: Excuse me? You better enjoy that mindblowing SIXTY seconds of pure unadulterated loving...bearin in mind we're on a commercial break and 24 is about to return....beep beep beep... Take it or leave it?....Either that or YOU can Call Tyrone and ask him to come help u get ur shit!!!

-Shy Guy by Diana King: I don't want no fly guy, i just want a shy guy. Hol' up! Damn it am a fly shy guy last time i checked. 2 for the price of one...but she goes ahead and says that she doesn't want no ruffnecked man....ok now am confused between her and mc lyte what's a brother supposed to do????

To all those female musicians out there keep us entertained. We're male and we can't help it!

Haiya

Yaani am beginning to love this freelance style of writin. Honestly, i do have something in the works. But until then...

So, in the same newly acquired spirit

1.I am honored and flattered but honestly am not bloggin as Lucy/Roocy/Loose-say...and no am not disowning but to quote Jill Scott...i better back down before i get smacked down i better chill

On the same topic, I actually think her actions were to say the least, uncouth! If, at all she has a point,with her powers of FIRST LADY she could diplomatically put the press in place. If her war is with the media...surely she can tackle that headstong with non-ghetto manners!!! She can even use the same media to her advantage...i mean doesn't she have political advisor???(Too much West wing)...She shouldn't stoop down/or in her case rise up to the level she did. From shoving,confiscating items, holding people at ransom, hurling cheap insults( "ati who are u? do u even have university degrees, like my children?"), slapping, not forgettin that high pitched voice...she should know better. Quite frankly i expect better.

moving on...

2.However, i have thought of bloggin as some one else. I mean its workin great for Ms K
But she's honest about it...my question is how many people out there are bloggin as two people?? hmmm(cue the X-Files theme music....)
3.Speakin of which...on Sunday Night she posted her real picture and within hours she removed it.
Trust me fellows-she is all that and the Kenya Times!!! Grrr!!! Grrrrrr!!! Yaani, a ka-hottie! Ka-supuu! the kind u wanna take home and introduce to mummy and say "...see,what did i tell u? she is really beautifull...and pretty...even without her two lower teeth!"

Now being cunning, self-proclaimed KBW Bad-BOY, i saved the picture which has her pretty name on it as well.
Would u want to see it posted here as well? Trust me you'd wanna see our hot Ms K!

Blogi wiki hii

-am wondering how much change my blog is going thru. i'm receiving quorum complaints( ati just 1) that the tone has changed...no longer nutty and witty as before. well trust me the real nick is somewhere deep inside waitin to come up wit a good post...am tellin u this inspired works of arts take their time-u cant push michaelangelo to work his magic....yeah right i've hit a mental-blog-block vibayas..its not even funny

-i got comments from the Pope and our first lady, Lucy. I love political clout...ebu uguys hook me up with a decent job position. I asked the ?pope? to give me a shout at mass....as for ?lucy?...i dare not say anything-baring in mind my name is all over this blog!!!!

-Someone told me(don't ask who)that kymmbr's first name starts with 'I'....oh and btw we're still waiting for that transition my man.

oh and don't ask me what's my obsession with finding out all kbw's names

-at work i had a patient come to enquire our fees and after i explained everything to her she went "...and who will do the root canal?" hmmm.... i looked at my coat, looked at her, was about to yell 'your mama' but settled for "what do u mean?" To which she giggled at her own amusement, hesitated but nevertheless asked "Er...have you finished, school? "
Trust me, for that comment, she shall be paying a whole lot extra. For crying out loud-give a smooth faced brother-a flipping break!!!

-Am still yet to start thinkin about the kenya blog awards...ebu u guys start unleashin names-suggestions for possible titles...am workin logistics out wit KBW admin...or rather they are waitin for me to get my act together.(and deno hakuna cha ku-hijack my idea again)

-i've come to realise i miss the blog wars. in retrospect there was one wit jere and soray about "hero." and of course the most recent one MJY and Daud...and Guess and Ms K are also walking a very fine line

-to put it as lay and plain as possible i had a boil up the inner linning of my lower left eyelid. felt like a pebble scratchin with every motion of the eyeball. its quite irritating...its all healed now.

-went to nyeri outspan on tuesday night-had the most glorious and sumptuous mixed grill dinner i've had all week. yaani the meats(chicken, mutton, beef, goat...) well done..tender and spicy(that should be the name of a music group-well done,tender and spicy)...cartilages ever so soft...by mornin i was still burpin out spices. And best of all no food poisoning!!!!!

-discovered that with XP u dictate to your microsoft-office and so far this is workin out great

Well since i'm bila post today let me link you wit a lil flash from my past :
-Nick/s Names

-The First Time!!! (torments) was right this may have been my funniest post....when i was younger and talented....oh memories