Blog-Wars Episode 1

Now in the upcoming posts you may happen to spectate a virtual war all up in this blogworld!!!
Right now I have 2 sworn enemies and for starters I shall start wit Daud El Raud (a.k.a Daud el Japo) and then proceed to one Mama Jacinta (a.k.a Mama-J)

We’ll start wit Daud

Now he commented on my post “what makes a ‘nick’?”…dissed and trashed me real good.
That was the first nuke attack....

But what stood out most, besides the very hilarious( I must admit) comments,is that this nigga actually loves me and expresses his love in via diss mode. (give us a hug David!)

And what was supposed to turn in to a retaliatory diss post, will be a post enlightening you all on who David is and how come we are such friends in spite of all the animosity!

Ok cue “can we feel the love tonight” by Elton John

What makes/is a “david”?

-his name better be David (mwana wa mutinda)
-Well in high school he was a year ahead of me in O’level …however we became classmates in A’Level as he had taken a year off to contemplate on ecological issues.
-He was a top student in his days(10 years ago) and would eagerly teach the form one girls ‘the cell’ in biology
-He wears thick glasses (they kind that are held by tongs on the side!)
-Not nerdy! Despite the fact that he also had a thick fro and don’t-u-dare-touch-my ankles-trousers!!! Personally I think guys were just player-hating
-he is tall
-dark
-and handsome:something about that missing front tooth that makes this nigger rugged.
-very meticulous and thorough:from98-now he has taken enough time to make sure his studies are upto date…while most of us take 4-5years to finish a degree…He doesn’t believe in just completing it for the sake …he makes sure he covers every nook and cranny!!!!…and soon he will graduate summa-take-a-their-time-a-laude…
-He loves to play basketball…however if u were to watch this player in his game you’d swear he was playing netball… (yes, david aim wit the palm, uh huh…throw…swish…curtsey for the crowd!!!)…rumor has it hop-skotch and rounders were his forte as well
-He is funny and hilarious
-Has guts. Not many would challenge the great nicholasgichu to war( cue the lightning and thunder!!!!)
-He is True Kenyan… he has been in the States for so long and is coming back…dying to come back….he could care less that his visa expires in June…he wants to come back!!!
-He ain’t fake!!! Went to the States and he has a cute British accent. U know the kind where “Harry Potter” is pronounced “ Hairy Pott-Uh”
-and as much as he hates me he really is a true fan!!!!
-He is also in the closet!!!! He can deny it. Fight against it. Disown… this brada is a BLOGGER!!! I’ve begged him to get a blog…he declines! My fans have requested him to blog…he declines! But still, he is always on my blog raising hell..posting well…and in fact has his own following…(which better not be more than mine I hope) need I say more...he is one of us!!!
-He is a polite chap-despite him thinking he grew up in the hood wit a rap influence and ghetto talk! He knows his manners, and is a teetotaler…no booze just give him his cup of tea and he’ll be fine
-Was a choir-boy till he left for the States and I hear his solo-performances would bring the church down!!!
-He is your regular average kinda joe; a lil deodorant wouldn’t kill him
-his dressing skills leave a lot to be desired; I’d once written about him still wearing P.E t-shirts in the States…Bata Bullets and ngomas…he is reinventing Kenyan Culture those sides…

All in all he is my buddy…and so as this war begins…at least you all have an idea of who the players are: let the games begin!!!!

1995

This is the sequel to the 1994 post sometime last year..the critically acclaimed blog-post that had rave reviews and fans screamin for more…yada yada yada

It’s been my goal to flashback as we go along. And it’s time to go back in time-10years again. Question is where were u in 95?What do you remember…

Where was I? Hmmh…

-at the tender age of 16 I was a mere form 3. to misquote britney spears “not a boy, not yet a man…”
-it was a year of great tribulations, which we shall not go into …but I guess, I triumphed over them. Damn it was a bad year!
-I started playin chess wit the passion of a geek with bifocals.
-Took part in Provincials Science Congress in the infamous Jamhuri High School. Took first place position for a physics talk(Induction cooker)…went on to National’s and came fourth( NB 4th gets you no-prize!!)
You shoulda been there to hear safety precautions we were given prior going to Jamu!!!
-Took part in a school play. Played the role of a battered husband called Chume in ‘Trials of Brother Jero’ (my best played role…I captured the essence of a whooped-ass brada!)
-Hey in a spirit of maturity, I joined M.U.N. Represented Greenpeace early during the year. It was a time of trying to act all grown up…not to mention the pocket money was huge cause food at the UNE P canteen wasn’t exactly cheap. It was the first time i saw condoms in a public loo…(at UNEP). And I remember this guy leavin us with his briefcase(we all had those) as he ducked to talk to some one. And we looked at the briefcase…at the condom dispenser….briefcase…dispenser….

Lets just say when he went back in session he got a pleasant surprise! Yaani we emptied the whole dispenser and filled his briefcase with like 50 condoms!!!!

-anyway…later on that year. I took part in Junior-chair Classes. Yes I was determined to be the next Bhoutrous Bhoutrous(I heard u good the first time) Ghali. Every Friday 5 of us would go to I.S.K for them classes 5-6pm what cheap jollies. We high rolling in jisty schools…what wannabe’s…how cute!

-Oh, then there was the introduction of E.R and Lois and Clark on our TV screens. I used to live and dream E.R!!! Actually I’d live E.R and Dream Lois Lane aka Teri Hatcher

-What else was on tv…same ol same ol: Last season of ‘sisters.’ Time Trax wit his comp Selma. Renegade. Commish. Life goes on. Nurses. Herman’s Head. 21 Jump street. Fresh Prince. Benny Hill-not benny hinn-but that perveted chubby comedian…my hero!!!!! Living single. Family Matters

-Remember the introduction of M-Net!!! Damn wit 3channels that they let us taste. Teenie Bop,Mnet and Movie Magic

-It was the year of Mariah’s Daydream(her best album to date) wit hits like ‘One sweet Day’ and my best collabo of hers and babyface ‘MELT AWAY!’ other hot songs included ‘Underneath the stars’ ‘when I saw you’ ‘forever’

-Michael Jackson unleashed HiStory part 1 and 2.
>Scream had the highest debut od a single at number 5
>Above record broken by ‘You are not alone’ the highest debut ever at number1
>Scream at the time was the most expensive music video ever.
>It became evident that previous allegations had affected his selling power
>Remember his wedding to Lisa Marie Pressley???
>He discovered 3T
>He discovered Brownstone-wit hits like
“IF u love me(bitch)-say it! If u trust me(bitch)-prove it! If you need me(bitch)-show it!!!”
“Five miles to empty”
“I heard it thru the grape vine”

-Remember Shy Guy-by Diana King..oh lord have mercy mercy mercy…

-Waterfalls-TLC was hittin Kenya at the time.So were collabo’s of babyface e.g Jon B’s pretty woman(which was also soundtrack to Bad Boys like shy guy) another collabo was Baby face and El Debarge or was it Al Jareeau “Where is my love tell me where…where is the girl of my dreams…”
-Down for whatever-by Nuttin Nyce
-Adina Howard's 'Freak like me!' ..i've got a freakin secret everybody sing cause we don't give a damn about a thing...i will be your freak all thru the day till the early morn....
-Candy Rain-Soul for real
-Brandy and Monica; from ‘I wanna be down’ to ‘before u walk out of my life’

-GoldenEye opened in Kenya. The new Bond had arrived wit a killer villain that always did enjoy a good squeeze!!!! #cheers for Famke Jansen!!!!! Grrrrrrrr Grrrrr Grrrrrr
Plus I got me a poster of GOLDENEYE!!!!(I hope ur singinto the tina turner song and doin the beast with me…den den den den!)

-I watched movies like Specialist,Jungle Fever,..actually that was the time I was going thru a black phase:Menace to society,Jason’s Lyrics…rewatched them all

-Jerry Bruckheimer and his then alive partner Don Simpson ruled the box-office!

-it was a year of serious flirtation wit girls. And this included exchanging letters that were casually swapped durin the school day. Oh, I still cling on to them. Picture this some cutie u were dartin becomes a major politician or some big-shot C.E.O..what do u think she’d pay to have her letters back? where she had offered her bushy triangle and lips of life…(its getting hot in here!!!)

u know we’d swap letters..where u insult each other, or fantasize about each other or just real letters…

am sitting on a gold mine-but that was the year of continuous flirtation wit girls.

-My first real date was in this year…could it have been my first true love as well???

-Oh, the numerous family functions I DID NOT attend. Oh yeah, this was a chubby rebel without a cause..i’d come off age and this punk stopped attending functions for the sake of attending. Please!! Ati ma-weddings, itega’s, farewell parties, welcome-back parties…

Do u have these families that always have some reason for get together? Well I happen to have one and I was getting tired of them…kila saa…

-Oh I got really sick during this year. Had ‘Acute Malaria’ in June(I still query that doctor ati nini?!’ Had severe marathon-runs during the year!!!
Had Back-to-Back Colds… Yaani through M.U.N(a whole week of crazy ass-flu) and just when I recovered the following week it came back better and stronger. Note the following week was my birthday..so I literally turned 16 sniffling.
Payback for Condom Trick???… maybe!!!

-Ati,Dec Hols were spend pensive over the dawnin of the realization that I was going to FORM FOUR!!!! LOL! Kitu gani, I watched those movies like I was being paid!

Speakin of which- DAUD EL OLDO…aren’t u celebratin ur 10th year post high school now!!!!!!

-hey I even wrote my first poem-which to date I think is pretty damn good may post it sometime.in fact my dream was to send it to KNEC and they’d bring it in our English exam…and they’d ask ‘what was the poet going thru?’ and I’d reply ‘I’ll tell u what I was goin thru nigga foo!!!!!’

So that was a quick recap of some of what I remember that transpired in 95…keep on reading…

The freak gets a hair cut

I have always sported an Afro since way back when…hence my visit to the barbers is rare. However, I have been disciplined and nowadays shave my hair every other 2months. Ok this time it was after 3…but anyway… I strolled today to my regular barbershop to pleasantly discover that they have some maendeloes…

The name of the maendeleo is called SHAMPOO GIRL!!!

Oh yeah!!!

Now my cousin owned a salon and barbershop and when I’d go get my hair shaved then, I faced plenty of these species…so today after the hair cut I sauntered over to the wash basin and was ready to start the battle of the sexes.

Now jamaas be warned she will try every trick to arouse you and she will succeed. Trust me she didn’t just go to beauty school to just learn how to shampoo.

So she washes your hair no biggie and rinses it…then round 2 begins-she goes for the kill! The deep-ass scalp massage. Oh, she massages your temples, with her thumbs in circles and spreads backwards to your occiput. Then repeats the procedure but his time harder and with so much vigor you could pass out in bliss. You try to lock eyes but your vision gets blurry…and she knows she has u under her spell. So you look away as you almost rise wit her touch. You swallow deep, fiddle with your lips…its getting kinda awkward…its getting kinda freaky.

I resisted the urge to close my eyes. No way I was gonna submit that she was pleasuring me. I would not give her the satisfaction! Shutting your eyes means conceding that you are weak…easy…cheap! So rule number one-DO NOT CLOSE YOUR EYES! And just when I was contemplating what rule number 2 was…shit! I realized my eyes were bloody closed and I was almost short of cooing like some fat dove!

So I opened my eyes chap chap. Pretended I was just bored when all the same my face was flushed and my follicles stimulated…and my heart was pumpin pumpin!!!

She was working my scalp overtime!!! I knew it! She knew it! I knew she knew I knew!

The problem of having a hair cut after so long is that once the hair has been cut you become sensitive like you wouldn’t believe-heck even a whisper of wind could turn you on!

So here is this fine pretty thing wit Big-G breath! Decent canned perfume! Tight bossom dangling over your face! She is staring into thine eyes right thru ur very soul…I just gave up, gave in, sat back relaxed my head over the wash basin and let her do to me as she damn well pleased.

Evidently I had so lost the battle. I loved every moment of it and probably revealed it all too well wit my sheepish smile as I thanked her…and staggered to the seat that she ordered me to go to-and await her. Am telling you for a moment had lost my bearings.

So as she was combing my hair she caught me stealing glances at the mirror and just like the fool I am I kept smiling like some high school punk! And she knew...she had worked her 150/= worth of magic. She combed my hair…smiled…and she pointed to where I was to pay.

Felt so used!

So I said I sweet bye to her, and a tough manly bye to my barber “tuchekiane baadaye!”

Now am at home wit a really bad hair cut…wit hair smellin of the funny concoctions she used. Arguably, there is something very naughty about a shampoo girl, shampoo and warm hot water…but it was worth every second of sheer violation.

Can’t wait to go back in MAY!

CIVIL SERVANTS ANONYMOUS

A certain friend of mine works in a certain govt hospital... we shall not use their real name so we shall use mine;after this i challenge u to a quintescencial question...can your workin environment change you for the worse regardless of your principals or morals?

*NB:this may or may not be me!!!*

Nick:Hi my name is Nick and i'm a civil servant!

Group:Hello Nick! Welcome!

Nick: It's been 2 years and i dont think i have been the same since i started.

Group: Mmmmh Hmmmm?! Tell us

Nick: Weeelllll since you asked!


1.i've lost my sensitivity or ability to care.that empathy and sympathy thing-am a cold hearted punk! initially i thought it was heartless..but now i love it!!!...it reaches 12pm and all tha patients have got to get steppin!!!! Honestly..if u really had a toothache-it woulda brought u earlier!!! So no new patients are seen at that time. Reason being,insufficient instruments equivalent to the lack of love!
coming at 12:01 means see you tomorrow very early.

2.Monday mornings are a drag...seein over 60 patients in one go..all in all kinds of pain..nagging...complainin..like they all saved their problems over the weekend and brought me a present early in the mornin!
We've learnt the art of procrastinating or bookin patients for days that you are not present. A little medication buys you time...if you are not in the mood to deal with that particular patients.

3.ok i know some teeth especially lowers have a tendancy of not gettin numb!! ...but lets see how not-numb you really are! instead of having me walk all tha way over there too get more local could u just work wit me...the pain really isnt all that bad....don't let your beads of sweat,increase in breathin rate or the near-faintin-aura fool you. i've done this before-the pain won't kill you!!!!!

4.After all those years of trainin-the MATRON is still the boss of ME!!!
The matron is a bat out of hell.
Patients-trust me don't let her catch you walkin in to the clinic wearing shoes!!!!!
Colleagues-Her bark is as bad as her bite and it don't matter if you're the medical superintendent...provincial officer that is her turf!! And all shall recognise!!!!

No favors get granted without her approval! Even if u know me...i may treat you for free but trust me i will pay for it later. For, when they decide to keep quiet...refuse to assist you...book you crazy 3hr procedures when they know you're leavin or after 12pm....you shall know the wrath of a matron scorned.

5.i've learnt phrases like

-Next!!!
-rudi kesho!!!
-Enda ulipe mia urudi!!!
-Eh kuja kesho!!!
-Hakuna instruments-rudi kesho!!!
-Hakuna dawa-rudi kesho!!!
-lakini ende ununue haya madawa urudi kesho!!!
-Si nimesema urudi kesho!!!
-Usiingie na viatu!!!
-Toa viatu!!!
-Si nimesema utoe viatu??!!!


oh if you're lost... at a certain hospital patients are required to leave their funky smellin shoes outside. what u mean by funky?

picture this-someone removes very tightly tied shoes.revealing woollen socks!!!!!!!!!

6.Am tired of WOOLLEN socks. can u imagine the stench of forty thousand years(thriller copyright) yaani a brother has sweat so hard he's leavin moist footprints on a dusty cement floor. and trust me the vapors emanating from socks obviously re-worn aplenty of times can make u a tad tipsy to say the least! if you're the kind that kinda dangles at the edge of sanity...this will tip u over!

And u wonder why i need help.

7.Halitosis-yes!!! if u want me to fix that fracture that occured as a donkey kicked u in the chin...or husband bitch slapped you to eternity...ur gonna buy you some paste and brush...and some cleanin will be done beofre i enter that mouth

"sasa hiyo mdom yako lazima uiioshe!!!! ukikuja KESHO naiko na hii uchafu..sikufungi na hizo waya utarudi tu hivyo!!! UNASIKIA?"

"sasa nimekufunga na hiyo waya...next week sitaki kuona ati uko na chakula...we ni mtu mzima uoshe kabisa!!!! UNASIKIA?"

trust me u see results!!!! power of a white coat and UNASIKIA?!

8.In short i feel like i have become like all the rest that came before me and will come after me.

am now in the civil service-and there's nothin i can do

-ok daud el blabo thou shall not throw in my workin hours...as i said am a civil servant-damn it.

So for all the patients out there i have tried and tried-but just when i thought i was out they keep pullin me back in(godfather copyright)

i am well beahved with impeccable manners...but if u want to see that please follow me to private practise...where u pay for them manners and courtesy!

Now obviously this sorry ass needs lots of help.

i repeat
- *this may or may not be me*
- *some of the stories may or may not be true...and if they were true..no humans were injured or sustained griveous bodily harm*
- *and people-whats wit the lack of love,and snobbin my meme like that?!?!?!?!*

MJ blog meme

Inspired by sanaa...i have decided to come out with my own meme on MJ. All u haters u all know u were big fans of MJ...and deep down you damn well know he's the KING OF POP.

An artist extraordinaire, a superbly talented dancer...and what most don't appreciate that he was quite a performer and entertainer on stage.there is a difference between bein an artist an a performer!



His music without a doubt shall forever withstand the test of time-he took music and videos to a whole new level.Undisputably the GREATEST!

So my challenge to u is unleash your answers to these questions-feel no shame.

1.Best RnB song?
-man in the mirror
-little suzie
-do u remember the time
-will u be there
-leave me alone (everyone's taken control of me ...seems like the world's got a role for me..)
-ben

2.Best pop song?
-Billie jean
-beat it
-all the teddy Riley influenced songs in dangerous(why u wanna trip on me,who is it,jam...)
-rock wit you
-don't stop till u get enough

3.Best Rock song?
-give in to me (love is a feeling quench my desire....)

4.Best Album?
-Dangerous
-Bad

5.Best Dance Video?
-smooth criminal
-thriller
-ghosts

6.underrated album?
-Invincible

7.underrated collabo?
-good friends wit stevie wonder

8.Overrated collabo?
-scream wit lil sister

9.Best sound
-heeeeeee heeeeeeee
-hoooooooooooo

10.what about MJ u'll never forget?
-he made short trousers look good
-one gloved hand
-revolutionalised the art of makin videos

11.Do u think he is guilty or innocent?
-heeeee heeeeeee

12. did u like him better black? black-white? white?
-black

13.his song that u cant stand?
-heal the world..make it a better place... ok now am just hating

14.if he was to come perform in a stadium near you-would you

a) lie that u would not attend?
b) attend?
c) only attend cause u were forced to

i'd camp like there was no tomorrow and sing along...heck i'd break my back doin the moonwalk...and u know this brother cant dance. heee heeeeeeee hooooooo!


15. do u think MJ is a freak or misunderstood? do u believe him in "have u seen my childhood?"
no comment...well not now anyway

16.are those kids fruits of his occassionally grabbed loins?

i doubt it?


So i invite all kenyan bloggers to particiapte in this one and daud-el-MJ wanna be

new look

1.Yes you got the right website!

2.don't even ask....am still tryin this out..if i like it shall stay.

3.Doesnt mean the content will change...

4.All those in favor of DAUD-EL-RAUD gettin himself his own blog..please leave a comment...he is still welcomed here unless i make hima regular commenter V.I style

5.keep readin

Oscars 2005

Jamie Foxx:I must admit as much as Jamie Foxx deserved it-i honestly didnt think they'd actually give it to a black actor so soon...am happy cause finally recognition was given where it was due!!!! lets jump up and down in ululation.My God this guy has come such a long long way.Remember him as Roc's annoyin retarded neighbour?
after watchin ray it was obvious his one talented mother-fanta!! he captured the essence of Ray-each mannerism. Outstanding acting!!!!!
Many critics said he over acted...is inexperienced as an actor-in reference to movies like Booty Call...washindwe!!!!!!

and i'd like to thank the cacademy for not being biased this time!!!


Morgan Freeman:-atleast he has finally won an oscar...typical of oscars he'll just have to be content with supporting actor...like all others, worthy of the bigger prize. It was long over due


Clint Eastwood-this oakwood tree has been around for a long long time...so what the hell let him scoop 2more awards-best pic and best director.atleast this time he deserves them-watch UNFORGIVEN and get back to me.

As for Scorcese losing again-woishe!


Hilary Swank-hooray for her(sarcasm in voice). 2oscars in a life time with a perfect score of 2nominations 2wins(excuse me while i tickle my uvula-see what i ate for lunch)...she just came and won unlike all the other damsels in disgrace who have waited and waited and waited...Annete Benning,Laura Linney,heck even Kate winslet(though was not routing for her-i was prayin for Annete-since BUGSY!)

Many numerous blacks have been nominated(Oprah,Whoopi,Samuel L. Jackson,Will Smith,Queen Latifah,Angela Basset,Lawrence Fishburne,Alfre Woodard)...i wonder if any will win again so soon-let alone get nominated...only time will tell.

self centred bast$*@!!!!!

ok i confess am a lil hungry for attention bein an only child and all...and main reason i havent posted in a while was to see the maximum number of comments i'd get! so 19wasn't bad...(ok 18 butty happened to have misdeleted his comment)

so ur fav blogger is back...lets get the ball rolling once again!